the old bray of my heart

I’m struggling… it started yesterday or maybe the day before. Little tendrils of grey snaked through my brain, choking out the sunshine. Not the literal sunshine as there hasn’t been any for a few days, but the rays of peaceful easy feeling that I thought had settled in for the long run. I could feel my limbs become leaden and a weariness furrowed my brow. Oh sure, I fought it… you know, all those platitudes about positive thinking and replacing black thoughts with rosy ones. 

But I still struggle.

I’m trying to get the camper cleaned for company but I can only do one small task at a time before I collapse on the sofa, head in hands and on the verge of weeping, an almost physical illness threatening to overwhelm me. I indulge for a few minutes then get up again. One small task at a time. 

The grey demon in my head says to cancel and just go to bed with the covers over my head. But my logical self is still stronger. I KNOW that having company is what I NEED. I just need to take one step at a time and push myself through this. It's worked before and will work again. I tell myself that over and over.

It’s freezing here and there hasn’t been more than a peep of sun for days. One day of cocooning is good, two okay, three really bad. I’ve dug out a winter hat and warm mittens for walks with the dogs. I can wear the mitts until the dogs poop, and then my hands are bare and turn purple. Please remind me again how much I love fall camping. Next week (and maybe even tomorrow) will be better.

It probably doesn’t help that Carm has been away playing golf for day after day. I don’t talk to anyone all day and am alone walking the dogs. Alone with my grim thoughts. It’s so much better when we do these things together.

Well! Believe it or not just blurbing all this out has helped and now I’m going to get cracking. Thanks for listening. I can even detect a small tinkle of enthusiasm - I think I’ll make a cup of tea to nurture it.

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.” 

~Sylvia Plath