selfish

A bit more rain this morning. The hayfield is gloriously green and (sadly), the lawn has grown and will need to be cut soon. Carm had a long break this summer from the heinous chore but alas… 

The power came back last night just before midnight. I felt slightly guilty for a moment that everyone around us was in the dark while we just carried on with our lives as if nothing had happened.

caught in the act

Last week at Costco I’d purchased 2 t-shirts that were made of recycled plastic and after a trial wear decided that I liked them enough to get another two… so… we braved the crowds (and there were crowds). I found the tops (no longer on sale) and looked at a few other things before I was driven off by pushy women coming into my space. We had some groceries to pick up as well.

Once home it was clear that the weather would be suitable for laneway visits so I tossed a message off to Pat and a phone call to Trudie. I only had a short period of time to prep for tonight's supper (Creamy Mushroom Pasta which was da bomb) before I had to dash out to get the chairs arranged. Pat got there first and we had a good hour or more to catch up before Trudie & Leo arrived. It’s nice to feel a slight bit of normality.

I took advantage of sitting in one spot for a while to practice Adia with her ‘mat’ command. She did well although I did reinforce periodically with tiny pieces of hotdog or chicken heart. 

Just before I turned the lights off last night I read an article that referenced Dr. Tam and her assertions that we could be under restrictions for a few years. The next article talked about Doug Ford’s thoughts that our social circles will stay at 10 into next year. I would be a liar if I said I felt blessed with good fortune at that point. I was UPSET… I felt dejected, ripped off, angry, defeated, sad all at the same time. I thought about all the plans I had for Adia this year, all the classes I wanted to take with her, the competitions I wanted us to enter. I thought about how I wanted her to become a therapy dog and we’d go into retirement homes.

That is all kaput. Not even on the back burner, but kaput. I’ve felt no purpose for a few years and this was something that I could glom onto so it was such a disappointment to have my hopes crushed. As the clock ticked towards midnight I was selfish and only thought of myself. Carm reminded me how good I have it - how horrible it could be - but I didn’t care. 

I lay in bed for ages thinking about all this, eventually burning through the bad thoughts, getting back to the point where I again feel thankful for my good fortune. (to be honest though there’s a little bit of me that’s still feeling ripped off).

Am I wrong to forget about my luck every now and again? How do you keep your positive outlook when things seem bleak? I thank my lucky stars that I have an illness that has forced me to learn how to manage my thoughts and feelings and that I’m not rudderless like so many others.

 Headline tonight: 4,973,317 cases with 161,581 deaths in the US. There are a total of 118,187 (117,792 yesterday) cases of Covid-19 in Canada today, with 8,962 (8,958 yesterday) deaths today.

“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection - or compassionate action.”

~Daniel Goleman