I took a deep breath

 The day started with blue skies and sunshine but as the day wore on the clouds socked in. After lunch Carm went foraging at Costco while I stayed home puttering around getting some food ready for camping tomorrow. The music was blaring and I’d done my share of dancing and singing but then, like a sledgehammer had hit me in the head, I nearly collapsed to the floor in a puddle of tears. 

Why, oh why? It’s obviously chemicals in my brain having some sort of exothermic reaction as I wasn’t thinking of anything other than making sure I had the ingredients for tomorrow night's supper. But damn it! Leave me alone! Is it just me or does this sort of out of the blue thing happen to you too?

Thinking back to all the springs and falls since I got sick it seems that this is a regular occurance as the light changes. So... I don’t indulge those aberrant feelings and instead pick myself up and continue on as if everything is normal. I think of Jo Ellen’s ‘Smile and Wave’ and fake it till I make it. And then write about it as spilling my guts over every little blip seems to help. I do try to keep my posts positive and uplifting but gosh, my brain isn’t always so cooperative.

I did do a bit of self-care tonight: leftover meatballs with scalloped potatoes and broccoli was the ultimate comfort food; and this evening I luxuriated in the cooling comfort of the rose petal mask that I got for my birthday. Smile and Wave...

On the positive side, yesterday we had a lovely picnic with Mom and Dad and Kirsten. The locks are beautiful and in Carm’s words always leaves him feeling soothed. It was a lovely day and I’m glad I made myself get out into the world.

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.”

~Sylvia Plath