when I look in the mirror

 It’s 3:30 on a mostly sunny afternoon. I haven’t been out of the house nor have I gotten out of my pajamas… not out of any sort of malaise, quite the opposite, but I am a bit tired from a long night of lying awake looking at the ceiling. 

Late into the night I got up to change rooms thinking that might help. It did eventually. But while I had my glasses on I stood at the window of the spare bedroom staring at a million stars. The sky was still bright from the moon, but still those stars from untold distances shone brightly. For a few moments I was glad that I couldn’t sleep.

Yesterday I did a deep dive into a photo album… I was looking for a particular set of photos and yes, I found them. We laughed a bit at all of us looking so young in our 80s outfits, the boys in sailor suits with matching hats. (Oh Mom!). When we were young, Kirsten and I had a few matching outfits - who could forget the plaid skirts and yellow blouses that we were forced to wear in England. But nothing like Olaf and Graham. Almost every photo of them before they hit their teenage years they wore matching outfits. Very cute but oh, so funny now!

This morning I pulled out another album. This one was from the mid 80s when I was in my twenties. Oh gosh - so many bad perms!!! What on earth was I thinking? There was a period when I sported the same haircut that I have now with a much different effect. My body was much thinner and my hair much thicker. Somehow that has now reversed.

I look at those photos from so long ago and wonder why I was self conscious about my looks - so silly. I feel a little wistful about the beauty long gone, but at the same time feel grateful for the personal growth I’ve had. If a genie popped out of a bottle would I go back in time? I say no, not unless what I know goes back with me, but maybe out of vanity I would.

Would it be worth relearning all over again and reliving the years of angst? Maybe not. It’s funny though, when I picture myself I see myself looking as I did years ago, it is only when I look in the mirror that I am shocked at how old I have become.

“When it rains, look for rainbows; when it's dark, look for stars."

~Oscar Wilde