tread some more

 A peaceful, easy feeling… I'm already standing on the ground, and seventy two hours after surgery I walked thirty five minutes on the treadmill - it was at a snail's pace but I did it! Stretching exercises are going well, still not lifting heavy things… 

Yesterday after my chat with Kirsten (I only walked around the room a bit), Carm and I headed to the village to pick up a few things. It was senior's day at the pet food place so we stocked up on food and biscuits, then dashed into the nursery for a few more flowers. After that we popped into the pharmacy for a zinc supplement. I've been tracking my food in an app for a few months and zinc is the only thing I'm having trouble getting enough of. Research shows that it is essential for speedy wound healing so I'll take a daily supplement to top up what I do get from food for a month or so.

Yesterday was also the day my dressing came off and I could take a shower! There was so much tape, but with Carm's help I got it off without ripping my skin - everything looks really good although with the swelling and bits missing my boob is a weird shape! 🫠 but with a bra on it will be hard to tell that there are any misshapen areas. There are no stitches - the wounds are taped together - it will stay on for another week or so. I wonder if the tape is better for scarring? We shall see. 

The weather has been sunny but a bit cool - perfect for chilling on the sofa and looking outside, with the occasional wander out to the yard to take the dogs out. Maybe in a day or two I'll want to sit outside, but for now I'm content to be cocooned in the house. 

FYI - when they tell you to eat lightly for the first few days after surgery it's because your digestive system shuts down… I made the mistake of eating a big pasta dinner last night - it was delicious but ouch!

Snippets of my life float into my consciousness, triggered by the music playing in the background as I read a book by Anne Pratchett about writing and I wonder how did I get to this point in my life and where am I going from here? I've been coasting for years, making up excuses for myself and using my mental health as a crutch for not doing anything meaningful. But maybe meaning is to be found in the mundane, day to day life activities? I don't feel inspired or motivated to do more and maybe that's okay.

I can see my life as a series of events that prepared me for each next challenge, helping me to take on what life would throw at me. Is it wrong to be content and not to feel a burning desire for something else? Sitting in my little corner of the room, nothing much changes except the trees growing outside the window. The sun and rain feed them, helping them to grow into better homes for the birds that nest in their boughs… what about me?

When I was in the OR, on the table waiting to be put under, someone asked me what I'd be doing if I wasn't there… I didn't have an answer. I said I'd maybe be gardening, but that's far from the truth - it would have been more accurate to say I'd be doing not much of anything! I tried to clarify that I enjoyed container gardening but it seemed lame… if I'd been thinking clearly I could have said that I enjoy making food out of what's been produced by Carm's hard work in the garden… but I guess what struck me is that I had no real answer.

For the next few months I'll focus on my health but will keep my mind open for other ideas. At the very least, I will be the best at just being… There is something to be said for contentment and a peaceful, easy feeling…

Awesome!

“sunny cool days”

“digestive system working again”

“resting in bed with quiet music”

“shady tree outside the bedroom window”

“tapering down meds already”

“getting the date for my followup appointment”

“a shower!”

only a smurf for a day

 Well! I am feeling great today :-) It was as I expected before I had the pre-op meeting which scared me into thinking I would be decrepit and barely able to do anything - I can’t lift more than a pound or two, but have almost full range of motion and the pain is easily managed with Tylenol and Advil. I expect I'll be able to cut one of them out tomorrow!

I had nightmares of getting to the hospital on time - so many obstacles to get there, but calmed down once we were on our way and by the time I was sitting in the waiting room I was ready - Carm was perhaps more anxious than I was ;-) 

The nurse got me in and all prepped so I was just waiting to be wheeled into the OR when a woman burst into the room, introduced herself as the head OR nurse and told me that Dr. Carrier was sick and wouldn't be able to do the surgery! WHAT THE ACTUAL F! She quickly said that he'd arranged with a colleague to take over - she had done lots before, maybe even more than he had - so of course I agreed right away. I'd only seen him once so had no special attachment, plus it felt better that it was a woman.

A string of doctors and nurses came into my room to introduce themselves and tell me what the plan was - they were all lovely and one of the doctors said I could start up cannabis after recovery when I explained all the help it was giving me :-) 

Not too long after, I was on the table and asleep… then in no time (although maybe it was two and a half hours), I was waking up in the recovery room. It took a while for me to warm up (so much shivering!), but then I was in the wheelchair being taken out to Carm. It all went really well and I think the doctor said they only had to take one or two lymph nodes out which is awesome.

Lots of ‘Ted Lasso’ and lounging on the sofa once we got home, but not before stopping at Tim's for a breakfast sandwich 😀  I had to choke it down, my throat was sore and dry, but I managed it ;-) I was starving!

The dogs were quieter than usual and perhaps a bit more clingy. Lupa stopped herself from climbing all over me - I’m pretty sure they knew something was up.

All in all, a good experience, and I'm a bit embarrassed that I made such a big thing about it!

Oh! I did turn blue for a while but with lots and lots of fluid I think I've flushed most of it out and look almost like a normal person today!

Mom and Dad came out to see me this morning while Carm was golfing - they brought me a lovely pot of flowers for the deck which I will be able to enjoy all summer. However, I ended up doing a bit too much in the first part of the day and am paying for it this afternoon… I'm more tired and my heart rate is speeding along at 38 bpm 😱 

Awesome!

“waking up and feeling fine”

“the staff at the hospital”

“all the support from you guys - I know all your thoughts and good wishes made a difference!”

will I be a smurf

 If you have it in your heart, please send a thought my way tomorrow morning! I have to be at the hospital for 6:45 and then there is about an hour of prep before they put me under… I've been pretty calm about the whole thing, but today I've got butterflies - both about my procedure this afternoon and then tomorrow.

Not sure which is the worst anxiety today - the anxiety about getting to the hospital in the city on time or the procedure itself. They will be injecting some sort of radioactive isotope… which apparently will make me look like a smurf afterwards! 🥶  I've pre-written about it in my head and the main gist is that it was no big deal! Ha ha, let's see if that's true!

Yesterday I dragged myself around all day again… finally coming to the conclusion that it was the lorazepam that the doctors okayed for sleep and anxiety. I felt light-headed and woozy - it was very unpleasant and made every effort gargantuan. I did manage to get a bean salad made, my favourite roasted mushrooms done, as well as a double batch of roasted broccoli. So I've got some healthy choices ready for the next few days.

We went to Trudie and Leo's for an early supper yesterday. We were outside in her lovely garden - it really is an oasis. She made hamburgers, which I was going to pass on (I'd brought a bean salad to share), but the smell of the cooking meat swayed my resolve! It was delicious 😋  and I didn't feel guilty at all.

2pm… Well, I can't recall a time that I have been this stressed… an hour before we were due to leave we got a tornado warning and the radar showed a line of thunderstorms from home to the city. I paced and started freaking out so we decided to leave even earlier in case the drive took a lot of extra time… it was pouring buckets for the first half of the drive, we could barely see the road… luckily it slowed down when we got to the highway! So we made it with plenty of time and even got to the right place 😄 now waiting…

Later in the day… that was easy and quick and painless! Hurrah! It was just one needle with both the local anaesthetic and isotope in one go. There was no tornado and I didn't embarrass myself and pass out! The whole thing took maybe 10 minutes (max), the technician was lovely, and I walked out of there starving! Such a release of stress I could have eaten a couple of hamburgers (and still might have one for supper!).

We were in the neighbourhood so popped in to see Mom, Dad, Graham for a short visit and were on our way home in just light rain. I'm glad to have that over with, now just tomorrow to get through!

Awesome!

“supper in Trudie's lush garden”

“a somewhat better sleep”

“over and done in 10 minutes”

“no tornado!”

callooh callay

 O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

It was a glorious day with lots of sunshine and a cool breeze. Not hot enough for a swim (so ironic!) but beautiful to get the planting done. Carm golfed first thing this morning so I had a leisurely morning starting with a power walk with Kirsten and then I puttered around on the deck planting my herbs, my favourite playlist blasting. I even had a bit of time to enjoy the day stretched out on my outdoor sofa. Bliss!

When Carm got home he got busy in the garden and with some more digging and setting up a strip of fence, got the tomatoes, butternut, zucchini, cucumber, and dill planted. Everything is done, except for the rosemary. I still need some flowers to add a bit of colour but even if I don't get them, there will be lots of greenery.

I feel more human today than I have for a few weeks - last night I went to bed at 8pm, and aside from a few minutes here and there, slept until 6:30! A few more nights like that and I'll be caught up :-)

Awesome!

“sunshine in the morning”

“plants in the ground”

“amazing blue sky”

"got time for Tuesday - 6:45am"

a squish and a jab

A squish here and a jab there and a poke over there and 3 hours later we left the hospital with me fully ambulatory… and with lots of handouts and instructions in-hand. I'm all set for Tuesday, except for Monday's dreaded lymphoscintigraphy!

One of my nightmares almost came true!!! After the mammogram I asked where to go for the pre-op appointment and must have misunderstood as we waited at the wrong place, and when 1pm rolled on by I started to panic and looked for someone else to ask! Yikes! We were definitely in the wrong location so beetled it to where we needed to be. Thank goodness for small hospitals as we didn't have far to go. The receiving nurse was very calm and joked that it gave her a few extra minutes for her lunch… she didn't take my blood pressure right away 😅 as it was surely very elevated!

Anyway, we made it and had the meeting, after which the anesthesiologist decided to send me for an ECG due to my low heart rate, and then blood work just to make sure everything was okay since I blacked out yesterday. All was good :-)

Once we were freed from the confines of the hospital we dashed over to liquidation so I could look at the folding chairs Carm had seen there - they are padded and perhaps more comfortable than the little wooden chairs on the camper that we pull out when we have company. Twenty three bucks plus 30% off! A good score!

The dogs went berserk when we got home, jumping and running and going crazy but they settled down quickly. They've been getting better with shorter excited times but I think I better check the camera to see if Lupa relaxes at all…

The garden has been postponed for another day… but tomorrow for sure!

It was another sleepless night though… I thought that being so wiped out yesterday would have had me asleep in no time, but alas, I started feeling better and then my mind started worrying about this and that. Mom had an appointment with her cancer doctors today and since she hadn't gotten her scan results back I was awfulizing (she got the all-clear!)… then I was sure that I'd pass out during the mammogram again… then there was the worry about getting to the right place… and then and then… I am my own worst enemy!

Yesterday was a day for comfort food… a big hot bowl of pasta with tomato sauce was just what I wanted and followed that up with a chocolate bar. 😱 Tonight we got back to taking care of ourselves with a giant bowl of vegetables and beans - it looked good and tasted good!

Awesome!

“five minute mammogram”

“quick bloodwork”

“heart checks out fine”

phase one done

 Another beautiful summer day after yesterday's rain! Carm got the garden spaded and will plant tomorrow, I'll do the herbs tomorrow morning if I can fit it in. We also had to clean out some of the gutters that were overtopping during the heavy rain yesterday.

Today was phase one of my treatment: insertion of a magnetic seed. Sounds easy right? It was… mostly, but after the 3rd of 4th time of inserting the needle to get it correctly placed and perhaps my 8th mammogram, I passed out cold! It took about 45 minutes of cold cloths on my head and feet before I could stand under my own power and even then they wheeled me to the car. So frustrating that I couldn't MAKE my body behave! I felt like such a woos but just couldn't overcome it with willpower… I still feel woozy and weak hours later… This was supposed to be the easy one.

I was really glad that Carm insisted on coming as I don't know how I would have driven home!

Everyone was really nice but! It was the technician's third time doing it and the doctor's FIRST. Gosh, I'm all for learning, but maybe not on me 😱  A representative from the magnetic seed company (Molli Surgical) was there to explain things and oversee. She was lovely. She'll be there on the day of surgery as well to help the surgeon with using the new technology. It's pretty cool how it works (but I'm glad I'll be under general anaesthetic)... 

Good news though :-) I've been given the go ahead for pool time after today. Monday that will change, but I feel like I've been given a gift of a few extra days of summer.

Ha ha! I thought I'd be able to walk on the treadmill and plant the herbs this afternoon… Not!

Oh! I was sitting on the back steps while Carm cooled himself and a hummingbird came within 2 feet of me to check out a geranium blossom. It was only there for a few seconds but made my day.

Tomorrow I have to go back for another mammogram and a pre-op meeting with anesthesiologist.

Awesome!

“waking up”

“lovely people at the hospital”

“hummingbird”

“step one done”

first days of summer

 The trailer is situated, the plants are on the deck, Lupa is clipped… still to go: planting herbs and the garden! But it's raining today so perhaps that last big task will be postponed for another day, or maybe we'll be lucky later this afternoon to at least get the pots planted :-)

Summer has arrived with a big bang! Sunday was a scorcher - we were happy to dip into Kirsten's pool once we arrived there and got set up. Everything went smoothly and we were even level without any boards… we didn't get stuck… hurrah.

The rest of Sunday was spent gathered around Kirsten's kitchen island feasting on leftover food from Carm's birthday party and some extras that Kirsten provided - there was enough for 9 people to fill up on and there were even a few leftover vegetables and hummus (a nice lunch yesterday when we got home). I skipped out of the party by 9pm as I was totally exhausted and done for. But I had a pretty decent sleep, although slightly shorter than I wanted.

Monday morning Kirsten and I were up early and thinking of a walk before everyone else was awake but by the time we lingered over our second cup the house was starting to waken. Gradually everyone (the adults) migrated over to the villetta for coffee, eggbites, and chickpea brownies. A wonderful start to another beautiful summer day :-)

We didn't stay past 11am though - we were anxious to get home to get a few things done… Carm was the strong man again, carrying giant pots of plants from the basement and living room onto the deck. The living room looks empty and forlorn without the excess foliage, but the deck looks like summer :-) Oh, some of the plants need a good trim but we'll let them adjust to being outside before scalping them.

Christina managed to enjoy time with the dogs (she said!), and also spent lots of time outside with her bird song identification app… she heard 27 different types of birds from our back deck!!!! I gotta get me one of those 😀

Later in the day… Carm got the barrels planted with cherry tomatoes and some of the garden spaded. I cleaned up the pots for the herbs but no planting yet… I had a nap and Carm got a covid booster... we just got hit with a big thunderstorm but haven't checked for destruction yet!

Awesome!

“family time”

“summer’s blazing arrival”

“Lupa is clipped for another few months”

summer berth

 The days have passed in a whirlwind of activity and exhaustion, but here it is, 9:30am on Sunday and I'm almost all ready to take the camper to Kirsten's! The panic is over, leaving just a few ‘strong man’ things to finish before Wednesday. I'm excited!!!

Tuesday we will check the long range forecast and hopefully drag all the pots of plants out of the house and onto the deck! We have all of our herbs and garden plants (tomatoes, zucchini, butternut squash, lettuce), but no flowers yet. I can't visualize what I need and also, the place we used to get our flowers from has closed :-(  Next week I'll have a better idea so we'll comb the countryside looking for petunias! I haven't decided on white or pink yet.

We got the furniture out on Friday afternoon - I promptly fell asleep on the sofa until the mosquitos found me! The first nap outside 😀 . We've been in the pool at least twice a day since our first swim on Thursday. It was up to 20C yesterday! I've been going for a quick dip before bed and have found that to help my hot flashes  - I'm having hardly any at night now.

Sadly, and this may be the worst part of my whole ‘journey’, I likely won't be able to swim for at least three weeks starting this Wednesday after they insert a magnetic seed to help locate the tumour during surgery. If anything will bring me to tears, it's missing 3 weeks of summer… I live for a refreshing dip, even when it does turn me blue.

I'll be sure to luxuriate in the refreshing waters tomorrow when the air temps hit the low 30s! Summer is bearing down on us at full speed!

We are leaving the dogs and Grace home this weekend in the capable hands of Christina! We'll be able to get situated easier, and have our first night of socializing without worrying about the dogs alone in the trailer for hours on our first night out. Thanks Christina!

The lilacs and honeysuckles are in full bloom - it's like stepping into a perfume shop when I go outside. It's heavenly! Our apple trees are a bust this year - hardly any blossoms at all so there will be no apple harvest this fall. There have been years that the trees have been white with blooms, but there are only a handful on one tree. Spring started early this year and then ground to a halt with below freezing temps so that may have impacted the trees.

Later in the day! We are here and all settled in! Hurrah!

Awesome!

“a swim before bed”

“ready to hit the road”

“lilac tree pressing against the living room window”

“getting settled into our summer berth”

lily pink

 I breathed a sigh of relief this afternoon after checking off three of the biggest (for this week) tasks. The camper has been dewinterized and the fresh water tank is being sanitzed as we speak. I'll leave the bleachy water in until Saturday morning and then will flush it with fresh. We'll be ready to hit the road! Bar a few miscellaneous tasks, like loading the fridge and most critical, checking the weather forecast (will the ground be dry enough to pull into our spot without excitement?)

My mind has been spinning with to-do's for the last week so I've been pushing myself through tremendous exhaustion. Yeah… the doctor wanted me off all cannabis before surgery and I'm afraid I use(d) it nightly to help with sleep, hot flashes, and anxiety. My anxiety has been more or less under control without it, but GOSH sleep is just not happening… and the hot flashes are intolerable. It seems that every time I drift to sleep I start to boil which makes me wake up fully so I have to go through the whole get to sleep routine again. I'm having them multiple times an hour… day and night 😞 

Last night I went to my big gun emergency meds to give myself at least one good night of sleep. It mostly worked but I need another night or two to get caught up.

In between getting through my task list, I've been trying to visit Pat in the hospital as often as possible. Luckily she (was) in the local hospital which is just 25 minutes away. She was finally released into the wild yesterday!

Speaking of hospitals… I finally got all the appointments for the surgery. Two next week (one for inserting the magnetic seed, and the other just a pre-op appointment). The week after I have one to insert dye into my lymph nodes to identify the ‘sentinel’ nodes, and then surgery the next day on the 28th! I'm looking forward to getting it all over with.

But you can see why I'm a bit stressed about getting everything done! There are a few tasks that require lifting heavy things, there's also planting (we've got some of our plants but still need more), clipping Lupa, and countless other things to get done - in between 4 days of appointments. One of my biggest stressors is having to rush from place to place - that's sure to get my brain in a bad spot.

Carm's been getting some good golf rounds in!

Sunday we dashed into town to wish Mom for Mother's Day and then dashed home again to get ready for Leo's 80th birthday party that afternoon. The weather cooperated so about 20 of us gathered around Trudie's huge outdoor table and enjoyed an afternoon of congenial conversation :-) There were lots of people that we knew and some that we made new connections with.

Oh, the bird feeder is about to come down - I'll miss the birds but not the squirrels. Lately we've had a rose-breasted grosbeak and a red-bellied woodpecker. A lone turkey lurks somewhere on the property. There's always a few other woodpeckers, jays, cardinals, goldfinches, chickadees, nuthatches, sparrows, red-wing blackbirds, mourning doves, and others not on the top of my head.  Last night we saw a hummingbird at the lilac tree.

Awesome!

“Carm jumped in the pool today - first swim 2024 18C”

“I followed later in the afternoon when it reached a ‘balmy’ 19C brrrr”

“lilacs in bloom”

“beautiful lilies that Carm got me last week”

“getting to my goal weight”

“shopping for new clothes - size 8!”

“time on the treadmill”

rolling

 rolling rolling rolling, keep those doggies rolling, rawhide! We made it to the tire place this afternoon and even better, back and into the laneway without even a harsh word! Yay! There have been times in the past that tempers on both sides have flared as it's a tricky back-in with only one way to get it done. A foot too soon or too late puts us into the deep ditch so it's fraught with anxiety. Over the years we've gotten better and today was as close to perfect as you can get :-) Yay Carm!

Now that the trailer is back in its berth and the slides have been deployed, it will be time to start getting ready to head to its summer home :-)  I think we've decided to forgo taking the trailer to the annual titanium rally as it starts just a week after surgery - I'm not sure how I'll feel and I'm pretty sure I don’t want the stress and excitement of travel and dealing with the dogs, at least not there. 

Being at Kirsten's for a few nights is a lot different than camping for 7 nights with navy showers, where the dogs have to be walked on leash every outing in overly exciting surroundings. Not to mention having to stick around the trailer to keep them quiet. 

Will we miss it? YES! I think we will stage ourselves at Kirsten's and drive the hour to Kingston for a day visit or even two. Maybe we could plan supper at Raxx one night. Carm could even go for supper and an evening campfire if he wanted to. There will be lots of people to catch up with (except for Andy & Edna whose absence will be huge). Maybe I'm wimping out but I don't need the extra stress at the moment… it will be comforting to know that we are situated for the summer before madness descends!

Awesome!

“hitching without a hitch!”

“new tires, but gulp for our bank account”

“backing into the laneway perfectly! Yay Carm”

“Adia with the zoomies outside”

starting the process

 It's been a long month, but today was finally the day of my appointment with the surgeon… It seemed like I had to wait forever, although I was pretty good about putting things out of my mind and keeping an optimistic outlook. Perhaps I had a tiny bit of denial which kept me in a good frame of mind - I wasn't dwelling or awfulizing! My daily walk with Kirsten has kept me motivated and on the right track with proper nutrition and exercise - it’s helped to walk away any anxiety that I might have felt!

My surgery has been tentatively scheduled for May 30th, but that has to be confirmed. There will be several appointments before that but those have yet to be arranged and I'm not really sure what they are for... Carm was there taking notes, but that's one place where we fell down! The doctor is pretty certain that I will be having radiation but chemo is unlikely - that will be confirmed once they do the pathology on the lump and lymph nodes that they remove. It seems to me that one of my upcoming appointments will be to inject dye into my lymph nodes to identify the ‘sentinel’ node.

The doctor thinks that I will get 5 to 20 radiation treatments, depending on what they find. I can't remember if I'll be seeing the radiation oncologist before or after surgery - probably after.

There is a small chance (10%), that the ‘margins’ won't be good enough and they'd have to do another surgery which would be a drag - my cousin had a similar thing and she said the second worst thing was having the second surgery so fingers crossed!

Dr. Carrier has lots of experience doing this surgery (he is pretty young though!) and gave both Carm and I a feeling of confidence.

I do want to thank everyone who reached out with their success stories - it helps so much :-) I feel pretty optimistic although I am having a bit of a crash in that area this afternoon, I guess it suddenly seems a bit overwhelming and has become more real. Still, I know that it will be a walk in the park compared to what Mom went through - if she can troop through that horror, my little hiccup will seem easy.

The local hospital is becoming more familiar than I'd like as our friend P is still there (3 weeks now!) so I've been trying to visit on a regular basis. I even have a favourite parking spot!

Oh! My bruises are gone and I have no new ones so it looks like the omega 3 was to blame! Carm is taking it without issue so I'm just an oddity…

I've been so focused on diet and health that I've not been making meals that are worthy of guests so we've been hermits… Carm is a good sport about it and hasn't been pressuring me for better eats, in fact he's fully on board and starting to lose a bit of weight himself :-)  I did trott out my favourite lentil recipe for Cathey on Saturday - I fed her caramelised onion lentils & rice, with a side of a few vegetables. Not fancy!

Tomorrow we take the trailer in for a new set of treads - ugh, which means backing into the laneway again… not my favourite activity and already I feel anxiety about it. Nothing like compounding things…

And for a treat tonight, chicken shawarma was on the menu! (big garlicy burp)...

Awesome!

“art!”

“gorgeous tulips”

“a sunny morning”

“getting the process going”

“garlic”