adjustments

I’d like to thank everyone who responded to my post yesterday - it made a hard day a little bit easier. You’ll have to bear with me though for the next little while. Writing my blog, my letters to you, are my outlet. I find that writing helps me to process things, somehow I can communicate better while writing than face-to-face. I’ll understand if you don’t read, and nor do I expect you to comment, it’s just me babbling.

I won’t tell you that it’s been easy so far - the image of her curled up in her grave is seared into my brain. Everywhere I look is a reminder of her absence: her dishes piled on the counter, an extra leash hanging on the door, bottles of half-used meds on the counter… I’m not sobbing, and am mostly okay, but sometimes the tears just overflow.

The futon in the living room is empty - Bella and Spike don’t seem to want to be on it without her (update: Spike is up there now). It was her favorite place to sleep, her head resting on a pillow - she was the queen of comfort and wasn’t a hardy, outside sort of dog at all.

Yesterday Kirsten was with me as Carm had a dentist appointment that he couldn’t cancel… thank goodness for sisters. Shenna and Nissa were at home holding down the fort - they unloaded the dishwasher and helped Carm strip the futon (there were 3 loads of laundry done yesterday!). Carm had time to dig her grave before heading to the dentist and there it was, a scar on the earth, no, in the earth, waiting to turn Kabira back to the earth from whence she came. Kirsten and the girls helped me carry her down the freshly mowed path and then we all arranged her at the bottom of the hole. I couldn’t have done it without them.

Carm came home not long after and the 5 of us had a hand in burying her. Bella’s grave will be right beside Kabira’s and I think we’ll plant a red maple between them.

I felt bad that they all had to experience such sadness on their holiday but am grateful that they were there.

Oh boy. I’m writing all this in the hopes that maybe I’ll out-cry myself but so far it isn’t working. I find I’m fine and then if I talk to someone, or look at photos, or see something that reminds me of her, I am overcome with grief, which surprises me… somehow I thought that one day or maybe a certain number of tears would leave me with loving memories and no wrenching emotion..

Later in the day: Kirsten and the girls just left - we met them for lunch at Tim’s, they came back for a relaxing afternoon swim, followed by a diabetic adventure at DQ. It was a lovely diversion.

Strangely the poodles are playing together - it’s been a long time since they’ve done that. Were they ‘tip-toeing’ around for the last few months because Kabira was sick? A sick that they saw but we didn’t? Oh boy - now Spike is licking Bella as she's lying down - this is very strange behaviour.

“To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.”

~Thomas Campbell