shocking

It’s a glorious day today: bright sun in an impossibly blue sky, little to no wind, just cold enough to keep the snow from melting, although a bit cold on my butt wearing fur lined leggings.

Adia managed 3 hours loose in the house on Sunday. With Spike’s unruffled demeanor calming her, we could see her relaxing on the futon, although she also paced around the room looking out of windows. But she was reasonably calm and not on the verge of eating the sofa (we think!). She’s turning into an adult dog right in front of our eyes. Very pleased.

It will be another Adia centric post… Friday was busy with an appointment for Adia’s rabies jabs, and a discussion with the vet about tick solutions. Note to self: never go on the internet to investigate these meds… it’s a scary place.

Later in the day I had my postponed manicure. We got home in time for me to get supper ready (corned beef & cabbage) for Trudie and Leo, finally home from their trip. We missed them! 

Christina came over on Saturday and again today for some Adia training. She is a great partner as she understands the training process. We quickly moved from greetings with and without a hello, to walking past Christina with distractions. The squeaky toy was a challenge, as was her food dish, but as always Adia excelled. 

Sunday morning we met up with Kirsten and Nissa for a giant breakfast - I couldn’t believe how much bacon was on my plate. This is when Adia was left loose. 

There have been a few oddities with Adia over the last few days. Initially I thought she might be feeling off from her jabs. Friday night when Trudie and Leo were over she was on her best behaviour. I couldn’t believe how good she was about not mobbing the guests on the sofa but thought that she is just getting so much better behaved from all the training. Then yesterday I tried to get her to do a long down in the sofa area but she wouldn’t stay and tried to hide in the bedroom. As soon as I got her back to her mat for a few seconds I released her - no point in training a break in the stay :-(  I was perplexed as usually she is cooperative and eager to play the training game.

Last night Pat was over for supper (we had a lovely time - thanks again Pat for cheering me up), and if you remember from last week Adia got a nasty shock from Pat. Adia greeted her at the door enthusiastically, was basically well behaved at supper, and when it came time for us to sit at the sofas she disappeared into the bedroom. Huh? And then it hit me… she associates guests and sofas with shocks. I want her to be comfortable with guests, and don’t really want her hanging around in the living room so have to figure out how to balance the two opposing goals. Thankfully she emerged and got a good pat away from the sofas so the association isn’t just Pat.

It just goes to show that you have to be aware of what you are reinforcing, either positively or negatively! Christina helped me work on this a bit today but I don’t have a clear plan on how to move forward.

Today’s quote made me cry… it resonates with what I have been and where I have come from, and gratefully where I am not now. I think of all who have been at the precipice of oblivion and those that are there now. I don’t revisit those times often (for good reason), but maybe it is good to remind myself to keep working hard and that those moments that I want to yield to the temptation of temporary darkness and hide in my bed, must be fought against. My memory has faded and at times it tries to trick me into thinking that surrender would be easier - thankfully the stronger part of my mind knows this is a lie and gives me the encouragement that I need.

My world falls apart, crumbles, “The centre cannot hold.” There is no integrating force, only the naked fear, the urge of self-preservation. I am afraid. I am not solid, but hollow. I feel behind my eyes a numb, paralysed cavern, a pit of hell, a mimicking nothingness. I never thought. I never wrote, I never suffered. I want to kill myself, to escape from responsibility, to crawl back abjectly into the womb. I do not know who I am, where I am going—and I am the one who has to decide the answers to these hideous questions. I long for a noble escape from freedom—I am weak, tired, in revolt from the strong constructive humanitarian faith which presupposes a healthy, active intellect and will. There is nowhere to go.”

~Sylvia Plath