beauty in the hard honesty

 I could go back over the post that I wrote yesterday but forgot to post, but no, I’ll just tag it at the end. We did have snippets of sun today which was pleasurable and it’s not very cold out. I was out with Adia for a while, trying to get her to burn off some energy but there were footprints in the snow that looked surprisingly like Spike’s, as well as some smaller prints that looked like they belonged to a cat, so she snuffled around with her nose in the snow for ages. There must be something left that she can smell.

I made it onto the treadmill for the third day in a row… hardly a huge accomplishment but these days anything is a win.

Carbonara was on the menu for tonight… I was so looking forward to the garlicy, creamy pasta... I forgot the garlic and salt. Damn.

Wednesday:

The clouds obliterated the sun again today and cold air kept the snow crisp. Adia’s outings were a bit shorter but she did take time to dig up a couple of apples. I have no idea how she eats frozen solid fruit. I wonder if it’s cleaning her teeth?

The sun wasn’t to be seen but somehow I managed to let a little sunshine into my heart. Talking about my thoughts and fears Monday helped to clarify things in my mind and helped me to formulate a bit of a plan. Well, it’s not much of a plan but a start. Carm and I are both having trouble moving past grief - maybe that’s just the way it should be, or will be. 

But today was a bit better.

We had a virtual party tonight to celebrate Stephanie’s birthday. In the days before Covid and our discovery of video calls, we would have had a quick phone call and that would be it. But now we get together virtually to celebrate birthdays and every other event we can use as an excuse to gather.

As I sat on the sofa reading something on my phone, Adia started crying and jumping at me. She’d been outside but was maybe trying to get me outside again… or… could she have been wanting me to sit on the loveseat so she could cuddle with me? I had barely settled into my seat when she jumped up to snuggle against my legs. 

I wish I’d gotten a haircut before restrictions were implemented again.

Awesome!

“feeling a little better”

“getting on the treadmill again”

“virtual parties”

“purple and sequins”

“perfect footprints in the snow”

“Dogs' lives are short, too short, but you know that going in. You know the pain is coming, you're going to lose a dog, and there's going to be great anguish, so you live fully in the moment with her, never fail to share her joy or delight in her innocence, because you can't support the illusion that a dog can be your lifelong companion. There's such beauty in the hard honesty of that, in accepting and giving love while always aware that it comes with an unbearable price. Maybe loving dogs is a way we do penance for all the other illusions we allow ourselves and the mistakes we make because of those illusions.”

― Dean Koontz