obsessing

 After almost a week of rain I'm back outside, stretched out in the dappled shade at the sofa end of the deck. The sun is about to pass to the blank space which means I'll have to go inside for an hour till the shade of the house descends onto that edge of the deck. I've been in the pool, briefly… the week of cold rain has dropped the temp to 20C - yikes!

The last week has been spent in a haze of inactivity… I have a mountain of zucchini to do something with, and the tomato plants are dragged to the ground with ripe tomatoes that need picking but I've had as close to zero motivation as you can get while still sitting upright. I might have slightly more energy today so hopefully the tide of tired is changing. 

I'll make some tomato sauce tomorrow… but the freezers have become black holes from which nothing is extracted… time to do a reorg and inventory!

Yesterday I went with Mom to her follow-up appointment with the surgeon - he seemed pleased with her recovery but also stressed that radiation side effects can last for years, and that new ones can pop up as time goes on… On a personal note, my skin is starting to show more effects from the radiation than even last week - some of the swelling has gone down but I've started a bit of a rash 😞  but I'm sure it will pass… (she said hopefully - I’m really tired of being tired!). 

We also went to a ‘celebration of life’ for the wife of an old co-worker of Carm's yesterday. It was pretty sad as she was only 70 and passed away suddenly in her sleep - a spouse's worst nightmare.

I've finished reading yet another book about eating for health… ‘Eat to Beat Disease’ by Dr. William Li, was super interesting - if I were young and starting out on my career this is a path I'd be interested in. Research on food is a new field but it makes so much sense to me - our bodies are constantly having chemical reactions so eating to either help or hinder those reactions just seems logical. The book gets into some detail about our bodies 5 defence systems and how certain foods boost each aspect. I'm already eating pretty healthily but with this new knowledge I can fine tune a bit for optimum nutrition and disease prevention.

I've had an interest in food for health for a long time although, unfortunately, COVID turned me from the path and I spent the whole pandemic making recipe after recipe of unhealthy food, with nary a vegetable or fruit in sight unless you could the pineapple in an upside down cake!… but disease is no longer a hypothetical possibility but is a certainty. It certainly changed my mindset. I'm going to take every care that I can to not have to go through this again… 

Broccoli sprouts are apparently some sort of super food to help fight against cancer, so I ordered a sprouting kit from Amazon and have started making them for my salad and to top sandwiches. Pumpernickel is the healthiest bread to eat (the sourdough feeds our biome), so I've been having my sandwiches on that. And green tea is almost a super food so I've upped my consumption of that. Mushrooms, broccoli, cherry tomatoes, blueberries, kiwifruit, kale, pumpkin seeds are all on the disease fighting list - I've been eating those consistently for the last few months.

So what does my food look like on a typical day? I start with a cup of blueberries, 2 kiwis, black coffee, and a vegan protein drink. Lunch is a giant salad with mixed greens, kale, roasted mushrooms & broccoli, tofu, pumpkin seeds, a beet, and half a cup of some sort of legume. Supper is a bit of a wild card - some days I'm tired and give in to my craving for a burger, but usually I keep to healthy. Lately we've been having lots of tomato sandwiches - tonight's was a fried egg on pumpernickel stacked with tomatoes from the garden with a drizzle of balsamic glaze and a heap of broccoli sprouts. I also had some parmesan cheese and a sliced up yellow pepper.  Dr. Li advocates for a mostly plant based diet with some exceptions, like the odd egg or bit of cheese… Tonight I'll have a banana with peanut butter and some dark chocolate! So I'm hardly deprived!

I'm still in the obsessive stage!

Awesome!

“good news at Mom's appointment”

“sunshine back again!”

“Lupa's new orange monkey toy”

“egg salad on pumpernickel with broccoli sprouts”

tar and asphalt

 A lazy hazy day of summer… perfect for stretching out on the sofa outside with a book or two… except! They have been doing roadworks on our corner since first thing this morning… the scent of asphalt is heavy in the air and the sound of trucks and machinery is loud enough to drown out the lawnmower! And I have to blast my music. Still the cicadas are the loudest. I will persevere though, especially as we have rain and cooler temps in the forecast for the next week :-(  This could be it for summer but I'll keep that thought on the back burner and just use it as motivation to enjoy this day to the fullest!

There's something about the smell of fresh asphalt that transports me back to my youth - creosote railway ties and pavement hot from the baking summer sun, heat rising in visible waves, a mirage on the roads that look like water in the distance, the sound of cicadas figure in there as well. I can close my eyes and be on my blue bike pedalling down back country roads. Maybe I'd stop at the creek - were all creeks called ‘Devil's Creek’? Those endless days of summer are tucked into my memory.

Sometimes on those long summer days I'd pitch my tent in the backyard and hang out shrouded with stinky canvas, my transistor radio picking up stations playing 70s pop music. I loved those days and nights in the tent - there are some songs that transport me as if in a time machine to an exact moment. Oh oh oh, it's magic you know, never believe it's not so… 

Well, I just looked up that song and learned that the band broke up in the early 70s, with some of the members going on to 10cc which was a favourite of mine! And when I listen to it, I can hear 10cc in parts of it.

Carm was busy today with the lawn and then cleaned up and stored the garlic harvest while my big accomplishment was walking with Kirsten for an hour and then prepping a bunch of vegetables for supper. Hardly much but more than yesterday and the day before that.

I did take a break from walking on Wednesday - I spent the whole day reading outside, barely getting up except to make more tea… and eat more cake! I unearthed a giant slab of pineapple upside down cake from the freezer and during the course of the day nibbled the whole thing. Comfort food which did not energize me at all and probably had the opposite effect but YUM!

From what I could glean from the internet, the fatigue can last for weeks which is unacceptable! Especially with the garden going crazy with zucchini and tomatoes. 

I've spent much of my life fighting against low energy, either from errant moods, or medications, which often needs to be just pushed or muscled through so it's hard to accept that this might be real and not all in my head. 

It's too nice to be inside today, but tomorrow the kitchen will get trashed with cooking. With Carm's help, I'll get some zucchini ready for scarpaccia, make some tomato sauce, roast some tomatoes and onions for salsa, slice up last year's garlic to make garlic chili crisp oil, and gosh I downloaded a recipe for chocolate zucchini bread so I might make us a treat ;-)

It's almost 3pm on a Friday afternoon and the construction crews are still hard at it 😞 

update: 3:30 and I think they are done for the day!

I've spent too much time on facebook these last few days, but even still, I've managed to read some interesting health stuff, as well as a trashy novel… all good, except in the trashy novel one of the characters died from breast cancer! Who the heck needs a reminder of their close call like that 😞 it left me feeling a bit discombobulated for a while… 

Awesome!

“the silence once the machinery is gone”

“old music on the radio”

“the song of the cicadas”

“I'm going to morph the annoying smell of road construction into an awesome trip down memory lane”

plodding

 I got a phone call out of the blue from my Dad this afternoon, wondering how I was. He had just read my last blog post but didn't realize that it was from a few days ago, so I took a look back at it and saw that I should do an update! 

As I expected, the day or two of feeling down has passed. I'm not awesome though and am still struggling a bit with energy, and although I have still been walking on the treadmill for an hour or more every day, I have not been doing anything extra, and in fact barely get myself moving otherwise! I'm not sure if it's a side effect from the radiation, a release of adrenaline which has surely been coursing through my body for months, or maybe a combination of both. 

I have spent lots of time cuddled under the ‘cancer quilt’ that I got from Victoria's Quilts - I often seem to have a bit of a chill - there is something nice about being bundled up 😀 We did have a few cold, rainy days that felt like September, including one day that drenched us with over 3 inches of rain! Definitely needed a blanket then, but I still used it this afternoon on the deck.

I've been watching youtube videos of diet and health, one of which prompted me to buy ‘Eat to Beat Disease’ which is a fascinating foray into how the body works and what foods help and which hinder optimal health. There is nothing earth shattering as it's mostly a rehash of things that I've gleaned from reading health stuff over the years, but it does put together lists of foods that help with various aspects of the body. It is strongly plant based with some exceptions and has a looser approach to food than another plant-based doctor that I follow. I think it's a worthwhile read if you are interested in your health.

It seems that one of the worst things you can eat is artificial sweeteners! They not only disrupt a healthy biome, but also cause DNA damage, and contrary to what you'd think, they mess up your insulin response… and I think it was mentioned that they mess with your immune system as well. I'm not a big pop drinker but did drink a fair amount of G2 Gatorade which does have sucralose - I guess I have extra motivation to continue to cut that out!

Saturday we packed up the pets and went to the trailer for a night 😀 which was a lovely diversion! Other than that, we haven't seen anyone for ages - hopefully I'll get my energy back soon so that I can start cooking again! We've been living on tomato salads and beans cooked with kale for days now… oh, and a giant platter of chicken shwarma from the THIRD place that just opened up in the village!

It was nice enough, and I was energetic enough, for us to have our supper outside on the deck - it has been the rare night that we've done so this summer.

Awesome!

“sunshine”

“tomatoes from the garden”

what the heck

 I thought that today I would be ecstatic and happy, but instead, I've been tired and depressed or maybe not depressed but demoralised. During this whole journey I've kept myself focused and positive, pushing myself to eat healthily and exercise… I've had the goal of getting through treatment the best that I can and that there was an end in sight but today, the reality struck - there is no end. What was once a dim hypothetical is now a sure thing. I got cancer, I could get it again, and maybe not be so lucky next time. 

I'm sure I just need a few days to recover from treatment and get my head around life going forward. I need to reengage my drive for healthy eating and then focus on increasing my fitness. But most importantly, I have to get back to being more mindful and to living in the moment.

Awesome!

“Carm driving to the pharmacy for me”

“an hour on the deck”

“all the support from you! Thank you for being there.”

done and dusted

 This afternoon is finally my last treatment so I'll be home free from appointments for 6 months or so… It's funny, but today I am having more mental trouble with the whole experience than anytime so far. It's like I've gotten through it (almost! just 2 more hours to go) so now I am out of doing mode and am now just reacting…

I get to ring the bell today but I'm not sure if I will - I feel like it's been so easy compared to other people that it just seems weird to celebrate - like what am I celebrating? But then I have to remember that it could have gone so much worse which is certainly something worth celebrating!

The hot weather broke a few days ago leaving us with sunshine and cooler temperatures - nice for running around to appointments and shopping, and with appointments these last few days, I'm not spending time outside anyway. And now we are getting heavy rainfall warnings for tomorrow night.

It has been a bit of a relief to not be fasting, so yesterday we treated ourselves to Wendy's frostys after my treatment - it seemed much kinder to my soul than gnawing on a cucumber… speaking of cucumbers, our plants, which were inundating us with the juicy vegetables, have petered out :-( The zucchini has slowed down too 😞 It's only the beginning of August! Hopefully the bit of cooler weather will get the plants flowering again otherwise, a disappointing harvest.

later on in the evening…

Well, it's done and dusted! Mom & Dad showed up as a surprise and so with them and Carm (who was choked up) cheering me on, I did ring it once or twice :-) I will admit to feeling a bit choked up myself and nearly broke down crying - it's like a huge stress was removed. And maybe there was a bit of reality of what could have been (and if I'm honest, what still could be). It's left me feeling deflated and exhausted, mentally, more than physically. 

Today's treatment was a super dose targeting the surgical site - it went on and on and on… they reminded me that the burn will start to get bad in the next two weeks so I'm not out of the woods yet, but maybe it won't be too bad.

So now summer can start!

Awesome!

“it's over!”

“Mom & Dad showing up at the hospital”

stop the presses

 I've spent hours and hours over the last 2 weeks reading about fasting and cancer - everything that I'd read up to today summarised that it can't hurt and may help… well, today I did an even deeper dive using terms I learned in a video I watched this morning which was pro-fasting - I was gung ho as the videos I watched were very encouraging, but unfortunately my research has muddied the water… it is possible, in some types of cancer, that fasting makes things worse. Which is obviously the opposite effect that I was looking for. 

Of course there's the question of who to believe and which research is the best, but if there is a chance of harm, I won't go that way. Maybe I was just looking for an excuse to get out of doing hard things…

So it's back to just a plant-based diet which is recommended by many cancer centres and research. There is no conflicting research showing that it might harm… so, my 3 day fast has been shelved and instead I will focus on getting optimum nutrition. I feel a bit discouraged about the whole thing - I thought that it was something that I could DO to help myself but now I'm left feeling that I have no control and that it is up to the fates. I don't like that! It is not just a matter of the power of my mind and willpower which leaves me feeling powerless.

On Friday I met with a radiation oncologist and I tried to discuss what I'd read but he didn't know anything about it so it was a wasted conversation which left me feeling a bit frustrated. I did mention that I'd lost weight which he said was a good thing as people who lose weight before or after treatment have better outcomes… I guess I'll hold that as something in my control.

All that aside, I'm doing well. I have two more appointments this week and then it will just be recovery. Dr. Cross handed me a prescription for a hydrocortisone cream which he felt I will probably need in a few weeks - I guess the burn on my skin will worsen over the next 2 weeks - for now it's only slightly pink. I've been slathering CeraVe cream every chance I get!

My life is not all cancer treatment though (although it feels like it at the moment), Saturday we had visitors! Kirsten & Nissa came late afternoon and then Olaf & Stephanie arrived around 7pm so we had a standing supper around the island before Kirsten departed, leaving O&S for the night. We had a great visit and it was a lovely distraction from life…

Sunday, after Olaf & Steph left, Carm and I headed into the city to water Mom's plants. I was exhausted but since we had made the drive we went for a bit of retail therapy 😀 Carm got new golf shoes and I scored a bunch of summer tops in smaller sizes! Lots of sales!

The hot weather broke today - it was cold and rainy, perfect for curling up with the dog and reading! Oh, and we took a bit of time to slice and squeeze some zucchini to make bags for the freezer ready to be mixed into scarpaccia. 

Awesome!

“visitors”

“a bit of sun casting a golden glow over the early evening landscape”

at the halfway point

 I'm halfway through radiation! It's been going well - treatments are easy and the breath holding has not been a problem. I've started to get some redness on the skin but not too much at this point, more like a mild sunburn.

So far I've been keeping up with the FMD (fasting mimicking diet) although it's been hard to keep my resolve at times. I just have to get through today and part of tomorrow and then I'll eat regularly until bedtime on Sunday when I'll start the same regime. It would be great to know if it's working but there's no way to know… it's days like this that I would reach for something comforting and maybe sweet but instead I'm just having vegetables and olives… in some ways I wish I hadn't read about it as I could really use the boost of an icecream cone on the way home! It’s hard being bloody-minded!

Over the last few weeks I've read countless meta analysis studies about fasting and cancer treatment - there is nothing definitive at this point as most research has been done on mice and dogs with only a few small studies done with people, but what every paper does conclude is that there might be benefits, there is no harm, and it needs to be studied more. I guess I'll take a chance that it will help!

I'm dreaming of the pasta supper I have planned for tomorrow night…

What I have learned by trying to follow the FMD, is that there is protein in everything - I'm supposed to stay at 9% but that is nearly impossible even with just eating vegetables. And it's got a fairly high fat percentage which is also difficult to plan - I can see why people just buy the pre-formulated food packages… 

I don't generally spend much time thinking about cancer, but when I'm lying on the slab, with the machine aiming its rays at me, it hits me a bit. I suppose that's the only time when it seems real. I'm not sure what Carm is thinking while he's waiting for me, maybe it's real for him then too.

It was another scorcher today - with the humidex we hit the high 30s - nice for going into the pool but not so nice for Carm cutting the grass! He still does it with a push mower so he gets a full body workout, and in this heat it's tough. I think it's all made worth it though when he jumps into the pool ;-)  (speaking of which, I might have to take a break from my tablet and jump in myself - not sure if it's the heat or another infernal hot flash but I'm boiling!).

I could have a nap right now (4:30 pm, home for almost an hour)...

Awesome!

“half way through”

“hot summer days”

“finding parking on Lynda Lane”