burnin

So far it seems that we've dodged a huge freezing rain bullet, although it's just past noon and the rain is still lightly falling. The trees have slowly become glazed and I can see the branches drooping under the weight. Luckily it's about 2C warmer than they forecast so the rain is not getting as much chance to freeze before it hits the ground - good for the trees, but just as bad for the roads! This year's ice storm is a bit early - they are often in April - so I hope it's not a two-fer this year!

My new favorite singer is Jelly Roll - have you listened to him at all? ‘Burnin’ came on while I was on the treadmill this morning so I took the time to think about what it is I like about his music… First there's the lyrics that seem to be saying my words, singing my struggles - you can hear the pain in his voice, but there's also strength and hope in the notes behind him. The hard beat drives my steps forward - there's no giving up! The melody raises my spirits and reminds me that while I've had some hard times, the good times far outweigh any struggle, and that perhaps the struggle is what makes everything else so wonderful.

I'm doing an experiment with the tamoxifen… the last two days I've tried taking it in the morning, but it's too soon to tell if the time change will help. Both yesterday and today I had a hard time pushing through exercise - yesterday I couldn't even manage anything other than a slowish walk on the treadmill - weights were out of the question. This morning I did my regular routine but gosh, it was hard. Really hard. And I can still feel it a few hours later - that is not my norm. I had to slow down and decrease incline on the treadmill at times today as my strength seemed to drain out of me a few times, but I kept on and DID IT!

I'm pretty good at pushing through hard things, probably with all the practice with my mental health, but I can honestly say that it is much easier to press myself physically than it is mentally. For the physical I have a strong feeling of ‘try’, while when I'm having mood issues the ‘try’ is what is missing or if not missing, only faintly there. Actually, maybe it's only rarely missing, and usually there, even if faint.

I just saw the mallards in the pond while I was making tea. There's been a pair that visits for a few days every year since I can remember. I spend ages watching out that window in the kitchen - it's a wonder that I haven't sliced a finger off when using the cutting board! It overlooks the bird feeder which is a hub of activity. Lately the goldfinches have been there in huge flocks - they are starting to turn back to their brilliant yellow. The early red-wing blackbirds visit as well - their red & yellow epaulets are slowly becoming more vivid.

Behind the bird feeder and about 20 feet downhill is the pond. We've seen kingfishers, great grey herons, owls, turkey vultures, otters, beavers (one built a lodge for a few months), racoons, and of course squirrels and chippies. Oh and a few foxes, coyotes and of course deer! That window is tied for my favorite place in the house. My favorite is my bathtub - it's got huge windows on two sides, and a mirror on the third side that reflects what is out the other window. I can often see birds hopping around in the trees.  I wonder how many ‘joy points’ these windows have given me over the years!

Thursday we celebrated Carm's birthday with some friends over dinner. Trudie, Leo, Pat, Marie, and Liston gathered around the table with us for an evening of laughter and reminiscing. Trudie & Leo have decided to put their farm up for sale and move into a retirement community - it is a big change for them and certainly the end of an era. Last night we had a last minute dinner at their place which is just 1km down the road - those easy dinners will come to an end…

Awesome!

“friends around the table”

“music”

“the best night sleep in weeks”

sugar in the air

I'm going to start this post like I did the last one, but it's the opposite so good! Well, that didn't last long… I was back to normal for part of yesterday but awful for the other part… this morning I'm great with only tendrils of anxiety and dark thoughts, although not tons of motivation. So I guess I'll just have to hang on for the ride and keep reminding myself that nothing is forever! Or in other words ‘Carry on as if I were Normal!” ha ha ha!

I can do this!

Today there is a haze of sugar in the air as so often happens on March 27th! I made Carm's burnt sugar cake yesterday and just now finished with the fudge icing. We'll be on a good sugar high tonight! Friends are coming for supper to help Carm celebrate the flipping of the calendar to a new and bigger year.  I cheated a bit with supper though with pre-made lasagne as the main. I'm making some ribs (Italian style) and a broccoli salad to round things out. Easy peasy! 

Later in the afternoon… hang on and fake it till you make it! I have to remember that it's just my brain playing tricks on me - ignore and smile!

Awesome!

“a good morning!”

“licking the beaters - oh that sugar!”

“a sunny morning - always uplifting”

“dogs asleep in the sunspot that they love so much”

“the right song playing just as my energy is flagging”

while it lasted

Well, that didn't last long… from about 2pm on Sunday to 2pm on Monday I felt great… One day of ‘normal’ and now I'm back deep into anxiety about everything… I'm always an optimist or pessimist, depending on which way on the pendulum my mood swings - if I'm depressed, it will never end… also, if I'm on the upside, I think that it will never end… hurray and alas for being wrong…

For the last several months I've been so wrapped up in fatigue and teetering on the edge of depression, that I've not been there for people, both friends and family. So many people I care about are having their own issues, but I can't seem to get myself together to help out where I could. I don't know how to get past this stagnation and its accompanying spiral of guilt. 

Then there's the piles of stuff around the house that need addressing, but I look at them and feel defeated and wonder if this will be my life for the next 4 ½ years... 

But I had one day! Surely there will be more…

Somehow though, I'm able to exercise and eat reasonably well most days, so not all is lost! I can't seem to heal my brain but gosh darn! I'm not going to give up on my body as well! 😱  I guess it's one thing that I seem able to control so my efforts go there, leaving not much left for anything else…

A quick dash into the google rabbit hole suggests that tamoxifen has shown promise in diminishing bipolar mania, but it can also trigger bipolar depression. So there's always that 😞 … I'll just make up my mind to get through it… will the power of positive thinking be enough?

ENOUGH WHINING!

Zumba was great yesterday (it was in the morning before the crash). I was starting to know where my feet should be based on the beat of the music. Oh sure, some of the steps were too fast for me so I just jogged in place, but I got some! It energized me so I got onto the treadmill for a leisurely walk when we got home - part way through is when I nosedived…

The owl was back again! This time I got a blurry photo - I really had to zoom in as it was all the way past the barn. We've still got some snow on the ground, but I'd estimate that 90% of the field has melted. It was a slow and orderly melt this year - the creek flooded as usual but the waters went down quickly once the river's ice jam had released. The last few days have been grey with spatters of snow and rain… and the upcoming week looks like more of the same with little sun…

Awesome!

“24 hours of feeling like my own self!”

myself again

Today is the first day since I've been fully back on tamoxifen that I've felt like myself. I'm not dragging myself around in a haze and still have some energy even after walking an extra 50 minutes on top of the hour that I had done in the morning. My head is still a bit foggy but I suspect that will never go away - hopefully it will improve some more as I often don't feel very alert to what is going on around me. It’s a bit discouraging as I was so happy to get some of my brain back after I stopped lithium 2 years ago - alas, it's even worse…

Friday night we had some last minute guests. Olaf & Steph came after work on Friday for a short visit - they were gone by 10:30 the next morning. It was fun to see them… although I was in bed 2 hours before everyone else!

On Friday I got busy with a bit of cooking and had two failures and one near failure :-( First I burnt the chickpeas to a blackened crisp. Dooh. Then I made scarpaccia from zucchini that we'd pre prepped and frozen last summer… It was on the verge of turning black when I took it out of the oven. We were able to rescue some of it but it didn't turn out like it normally does. Then the focaccia! That can't burn! It's too much darn work to get it to that point (as was the scarpaccia but let's not go there!)... so I set the timer for 16 minutes instead of the 19 that it normally takes. It came out on the dark side of perfect at the reduced time! If I had gone by the normal time it would have burned!

What the actual heck! I burned things in two different ovens… but, both the scarpaccia and the focaccia were in the big oven. My theory is that the garlic oil that I used had more suspended particles that were maybe more prone to burning… I guess I'll have to run a few experiments (but even though I feel better today than I have for a while, I do not have the energy to futz around with the oven…)

This morning Carm took the dogs out like normal and as I was fixing their breakfast in the kitchen I happened to look out the window and there on the fence down by the barn was a giant owl! I grabbed the binocs and watched it for ages. The dogs were sniffing around but it didn't fly away until Carm wandered down - he didn't see it until it flew away! There are so many squirrels and mice around that it could feast for days. 

Awesome!

“a quiet night in”

“feasting on finger food”

“the owl!”

“flocks and flocks of geese overhead”

“my amazing sketchers that I wear on the treadmill everyday! Still going strong after over a 1000 km!”

past the ides of march

 Spring arrived officially today at 5:01am! The robins showed up today as if on cue - I saw several rooting around in the brown grass outside the treadmill window. The geese have been arriving for several days, as have the odd red-wing blackbird. The birdsong has several new voices creating a cacophony of discordant music. But oh what a sound! It's gotta be on my top 20 favorites 😉 

I've been fully on a half dose of tamoxifen for over a week now and as I expected, I had a few rough days of insane fatigue and nausea when I increased from ¼ to ½. But the last few days have been a bit better so hopefully the trend will continue - it's been 3 days now that I've started back into my workout routine but gosh, I’m having to push myself through the fatigue... In the meantime, my temperature regulator has been going haywire - I'm grateful for any break from dripping with sweat or being chilled to the bone - I will never take having a ‘normal’ temperature for granted again!

The temps have been unseasonably warm so yesterday Carm and I ventured out for a long walk along the quiet part of our country road. It was spectacular! We are debating on whether to bring the dogs next time… we don't ever walk them off the property as I figure it's less likely that they will take themselves out for a solo walk, but maybe I'm being over cautious. They would certainly enjoy the outing 😀 

This morning I ventured into town with Carm on his trip to Costco and had him drop me off to see Mom & Dad. It had been ages so it was nice to spend some time with them. It's been a long winter for all of us I think!

Zumba has been cancelled two weeks in a row but should resume again next Monday - we'll see if the break made me more agile on my feet - I highly doubt it! In the evenings I distract myself with FB reels - sometimes the algorithm brings me lots of exercise videos which are very motivating. I've saved dozens of dance/zumba reels but never seem to remember to try practicing with one or two of them. I feel that if I were to practice moving my feet more, I might improve… ha ha ha. Sometimes I think it's a miracle that I can even walk without tripping!

I've droned on and on this last year about diet and exercise - it's almost an obsession… but anyway, I log my food into an app that calculates not only calories and macros, but also micros (vitamins and minerals). It's a challenge to meet everything in the calorie deficit that I've been keeping and no matter what I did, I could not lose weight but was gaining, even on 1200 calories a day. That sucked! And I was hungry all the time… So I delved deeper into the internet to get some ideas on what I was doing wrong.

It seems that I was not eating enough calories and that they were the wrong kind. I rarely hit my protein goal, well actually, I didn't pay much attention to it. So after reading a ton of stuff, I started adding my exercise to the app and ADDING the extra calories I burned in the form of protein and wouldn't you know! My weight has been stable for a few weeks (I actually lost 5 pounds when I started) even though I'm eating a ton more calories. I'm HOPING that I've been gaining muscle, but my fancy scale doesn't seem to think I have. I'm not worrying about it at the moment, especially since I started back on the tamoxifen which does cause weight gain… I know I seem hung up on the numbers on the scale, but it's the easiest metric to gauge my progress.

AND GOSH DARN IT - I've worked so hard to get to this point I don't want to backslide! I like the way I look in the mirror 😉 It thrills me to see a new muscle pop out! 💪 

We had a little earthquake here yesterday! It sounded and felt like a giant truck driving by but it went on and on and rattled things that wouldn't be rattled by a truck. I found a website that showed a chart of tremors and sure enough, it wasn't our imagination.

I think the restart of the tamoxifen played havoc with my mood and anxiety as I was on the verge of a full blown panic attack 80% of the time, on top of everything else… that has calmed down somewhat the last few days. Plus I've been better at staying off of social media which is a cesspool of anxiety causing conversations. I keep up to date by reading a few daily emails from trusted sources and mostly stay away from everything else. I'm not perfect though and sometimes end up down a rabbit hole into a quagmire of manure.

An old song came on my playlist this afternoon which seemed apropos given the current state of global affairs... 'Eve of Destruction' by Barry Maguire is an oldy from the sixties when fears of nuclear war was in the backs of everyone's mind...

Don't you understand what I'm trying to say
Can't you feel the fears I'm feeling today?
If the button is pushed, there's no runnin' away
There'll be no one to save with the world in a grave
Take a look around you boy, it's bound to scare you, boy

And you tell me
Over and over and over again, my friend
How you don't believe
We're on the eve of destruction

Yeah, my blood's so mad, feels like coagulatin'
I'm sittin' here just contemplatin'
I can't twist the truth, it knows no regulation
Handful of senators don't pass legislation
And marches alone can't bring integration
When human respect is disintegratin'
This whole crazy world is just too frustratin'

And you tell me
Over and over and over again, my friend
How you don't believe
We're on the eve of destruction

I'm writing this in 'Blogger' as my old method no longer works but unfortunately the numbers and extra characters don't work... very frustrating and annoying. Not even an exclamation mark... and there's no formatting like indent. Boo hiss.

Awesome!

“first long walk of the year”

“robins! red-winged blackbirds! geese!”

“tofu crumbles”

“snow melting”

into March

I was shocked this afternoon when I checked my blog for my last post… which is over a month ago! I guess it's a barometer of sorts although I've been feeling okay for the last few weeks. So what's been happening… well, I'm often in freak out mode with what is going on south of the border. I don't have much optimism for the next few years but try not to dwell on my fear. 

Well, I do have a faint amount of optimism with our new prime minister but we shall see if he can swing the gloves at Trump. Of course, with the bullshit in politics the conservatives are already making stuff up. And we'll have lots of election interference from the USA… so everybody - CHECK FACTS! And why the F! has PP not bothered getting a security clearance so that he can be briefed on national security. WHY?

When I'm not curled up in a ball nearly hysterical, I'm on the treadmill and for the last few weeks I've added weights to my daily workout. I feel stronger and can even see some muscles (although at the moment I'm wiped - it was a big day for me today! 30 minutes of weights & floor exercises, 5 minutes on the bike, 90 minutes on the treadmill at high incline, and then 15 minutes out on the snowshoes - it was warm and sunny!) I certainly earned my dinner tonight!

Speaking of supper… a few weeks ago I made buckwheat groats as a side… they were okay but very bland. Today I chopped an onion, added garlic & herbs, then stirred in chopped yellow peppers and cherry tomatoes. Much better! (note to self: 1 cup broth, ⅔ cup groats, 3 min HP, 10 NR). Easy and quick :-) Buckwheat is a whole grain that feeds our microbiome. It was delicious with the salmon that we treated ourselves with.

We've had only a tiny bit of social life - last week we had Trudie & Leo for supper one night and Pat for supper another night. Tomorrow J&D are coming for lunch and then Pat again later in the week for supper. There've been other forays into the world but they've been few and far between. The weather has been a factor keeping us home.

In late January I took a break from Tamoxifen… the depression was getting real, not to mention weight gain, hair loss, hot flashes & cold chills, and a myriad of other irritations… my side effects cleared up eventually, although some took a good 4 weeks to resolve… I had an appointment with the medical oncologist a few weeks ago and she suggested trying 10mg every other day for a few weeks and then try 10mg daily - down from 20mg every day. It's been a week and things are going okay.

The dogs have been enjoying the occasional foray into the field - we've got a grid of paths that wind through the field. It's probably been the best winter for snowshoeing in years.

The weather forecast for the next week is looking awesome with a few days in a row of double digits! Hurrah!

I miss the simplicity of COVID!

Awesome!

“flashes of spring”

“date walnut oat chocolate squares”

“just dates in general - who knew they were so healthy!”

“roasted chickpeas”

where are you shopping

Thursday… We are hunkered down today, out of the wicked wind and blowing snow. My view out the window is almost obliterated by the snow being pelted from the sky at a 45 degree angle. The trees across the hay field are faint through the wintery shroud.  I haven't been outside yet but will at some point, if only to experience the true fury of Mother Nature.

Yesterday we were blessed with a sunny, but cold day. I picked up visiting aunts from Kari's and met up with Kirsten and Mom at a cute village about 40 minutes from here. We had a lovely lunch in a little non-profit cafe, staffed with volunteers.

Tuesday was beautiful as well - imagine two sunny days in a row! Carm and I met up with friends in the village for lunch. We all agreed that we have to make it a more regular get together!

Going back one more day, Monday was snowing and cold, but we braved the roads (which weren't too bad) for our second Zumba class  😀 I still had two left feet but somehow didn't trip over myself and may have gotten some of the foot work slightly right.

I think it was Friday that I wrenched my back which left me decrepit for a few days. I took it really easy on Saturday, no treadmill or other exercise, just gentle movement regularly throughout the day. Luckily I felt a bit better on Sunday as we went to a birthday party for Carm's aunt who turned 95! We hadn't seen some of Carm’s family since before the pandemic! so it was nice to catch up with everyone.

Last thursday (a week ago!), Carm took the car into Subaru for a repair… it turns out that we were super lucky that the screws that came loose didn't fall into the engine as they would have destroyed it 😱  Carm's sister lent us her car so that we could leave the subie at the shop overnight as they had to order a part… 

But of course the big thing in our lives has been the threat of tariffs… we've been doubling down on shopping Canadian, or at least not made in the USA. We've found lots of substitutions. SHOP CANADIAN! I never paid much attention to where things were from but that has changed. The USA is imploding in front of our eyes :-(

Well, here we are and it's Friday. The snow has stopped but the wind is still blowing so I imagine the roads are still crappy. Carm is out wrestling with the snow blower while we wait for a call from the place we get the dog's chicken hearts  so may have to drive into the city but fingers crossed it will be next week! 

Meanwhile, I'm taking it easy again today with lots of gentle stretching!

Awesome!

“getting to know distant relatives”

“the fury of nature”

howling wind

 The wind is howling, its invisible hand thrashing trees and power lines. Luckily it hasn't started snowing yet (it's 2pm) but will this evening… it's going to be wild out there! Nature at her most dramatic.

As it was, even without snow already falling, the roads to the village were snow covered and icy but luckily we didn't have far to go… and what would get us out of the house on a blizzardy January morning? Our first zumba class!!

One morning on the cruise we had picked up coffees in the piazza where a zumba class was going on so we sat down to watch - it looked like a great workout and honestly, I'm all in for anything set to music! We decided then that we'd look into classes when we got back home… and as it turns out, our local municipality organizes all sorts of classes, one of which is zumba - and wouldn't luck be with us - they started today AND are during the day :-) Uncharacteristically,  we actually signed up and didn't just talk about it.

We were like a couple of bumbling idiots but everyone was really friendly and encouraging 😀 But oh boy - walking on the treadmill does not prepare you for an hour of jumping around waving my arms. I'm exhausted and my legs and arms are like rubber. Yay! I did have a long soak in the tub with epsom salts!

It's probably not a surprise that Carm was the only man in a room full of 25+ women but if you know Carm, that doesn't bother him at all - he has never been afflicted with fragile masculinity - hey, he didn't let living in a basically pink 🩷 house define him…

It's funny how the same phrase can mean two different things. I often say that I've pushed myself on the treadmill and yes, there are times when I push myself to exercise and to exercise hard, to test my limits. I might be tired but I still feel strong and can feel my muscles working - it feels good and I feel powerful (ha ha, relatively!). It’s a bit of a high… Then there are times when I have to push myself to even get moving. Those days are harder, both physically and mentally. But even on those days, or maybe especially on those days, I feel like I've accomplished something good for myself. 

A few hours later… wind has picked up even more and I can definitely tell that I used some muscle today, I'm a bit stiff and rubbery!

A few more hours… lots of roads have been shut down due to drifting snow ❄️ 

Awesome!

“zumba”

“snow holding off till we were home”

“subaru came through with an expensive ˋgood willˋ repair”

chilly

I haven't decided which is worse… hot flashes or cold chills… I've ‘enjoyed’ hot flashes for years and years now but they got a bit worse after I started tamoxifen, which is a selective estrogen receptor modulator… i.e. it blocks estrogen which feeds breast cancer… but also, when I started taking it I also started getting more and more cold chills and now I'm freezing all the time except if I'm having a hot flash!!! It's a crazy ride! Especially when they happen at the same time! I went from wearing a camisole and shorts to bed to cami, heavy flannel pjs and covers over my head. Yikes! It's very unpleasant! 

Poor Carm has done the lion's share of taking the dogs out for months now - between being exhausted and freezing to death I'm loath to go outside into the cold, instead I'm usually bundled under a blanket. Who knew that the quilt Jo Ellen arranged for me to get from Victoria's Quilts would be used on a daily basis!

But!!!! I'm coming out of the gloom and my energy is slowly coming back! On Monday, after months of struggle with my mood, I decided that I'd go off the tamoxifen until I see the oncologist mid February. My mood improved immediately! Obviously all the side effects have been wearing me down and just the thought of a break boosted me. 

Tamoxifen has a half life of 7 days so it will take forever to get out of my system - I'll need the 4 weeks before my appointment for side effects to go away. For my stage and type of cancer, I believe the benefit of the T. is only a few percentage points less risk of recurrence (your mileage may vary)… BUT! I was finding that my mood made it harder and harder to do the things that are healthy for me and that will ALSO reduce risk of recurrence. I was finding it too easy to binge eat chocolates and other sweets and there were days that I didn't exercise at all. My other food choices weren't always the greatest either. And let's be honest, sitting like a lump on the sofa with feelings of doom and depression nipping is not the best!

So, that was Monday. Since then I've walked 22 miles (34km) on the treadmill and ridden the exercise bike 3 miles! Today during my 60 minute walk I included two ¼ mile laps, with a slower break in between, of 8% incline (the highest ours will go) and 4mph/6.4kph. It was hard and the sweat was pouring off me but I did it! I wouldn't have been able to do even one minute at that intensity a year ago :-)  This week I've started using some weights with a bit more consistency and can see the faint beginnings of muscles :-) Give me another few weeks and I'll be kicking butt!

Tuesday morning Kirsten picked me up and we went to look at some Bernese Mountain Dog puppies… they were so gosh darn cute but not a breed for me - way way too much hair. But they were lovely! And the adults were equally nice :-) There have been periods in my life that I have been obsessive in my quest to hoard pets! Not anymore. I'm pretty sure that Carm isn't missing the relentless pressure 😜

On Monday I finished the 14 days of wearing the Holter monitor. Oh! Maybe I've been so darn cold this week because I don't have the warm battery pack against me 24/7…

My most recent food obsession is toasted pumpernickel topped with a mushroom spread, grilled tofu, sprouted lentils that I sauteed with garlic and chili peppers, some broccoli sprouts and then the whole thing is topped with a fried egg. So delicious! And a nice deviation from the buckets of soup that we have been eating.

Awesome!

“having a bit more energy”

“A few sunny days”

“it was still light at 5pm!”

“Lupa freshly shorn”

celebrate

Ten thirty am on Sunday… the rhythmic ‘whosh’ of the dishwasher lulling me into a groggy doze on the sofa. Last night we hosted a little birthday party for Trudie which must have been a bit of a success as the last people left at 11:30! 

We were all happy to gather to celebrate with Trudie - her birthday often goes uncelebrated as they are usually somewhere warm this time of year… alas, I believe southern trips are off the table for them going forward though… life sometimes throws curveballs that hit us out of nowhere and somehow we just have to cope and do our best to make each day count.

We basically did a ‘re-do’ of the New Years Eve menu with a bit less food - almost everything got eaten so I didn't way way over cater!!! Jirina brought homemade cream puffs which were absolutely wonderful :-) Who doesn't love a cream puff? Gio brought a giant panettone imported from Italy. It has to be the best panettone that I've ever had - it was so light and fluffy and the flavour so citrusy :-) Marie brought a huge tray of cold meats - I think she overcaters as well!

Lupa of course loves these gatherings… once she gets over her initial apprehension, then she's all over everybody's laps, settling for a few minutes with each person before moving on. I've long given up trying to train her away from guests, but it's a losing battle as most people seem charmed to have her visit them… speaking of Lupa - today is her 3rd ‘getting day’ anniversary! It seems we've had her forever, but it's ‘only’ been 3 years! She was a little puff of scraggly hair ❤️ The first few weeks I lamanted getting her… I was still grieving for Spike and with her few weeks of nightly diarrhoea, and non-stop motion, I was seriously sleep deprived. But here we are now and if I were to go back in time, I'd still pick her 😀 

Last night was our 5th ‘gathering’ here since mid December which is some sort of miracle as there have been many days where I've barely gotten out of bed and I'm pretty sure I've worn the same clothes for a week… I've felt a bit perkier the last few days - I think the benefit of having a responsibility that cannot be shifted to someone else (and Carm is very good about picking up the slack when I'm down), should not be downplayed. I had to get up and get things done so guess what… I did. It wasn't easy at first but it did get easier.

I did spend 3 days this past week in a bad way though… perhaps the worst I've been for ages… I wouldn't say I'm exactly depressed but I was well on my way to getting there. I don't feel sad or like crying, but I do have an overwhelming feeling of dread and a strong desire to isolate. Staying in bed with the curtains drawn and the covers over my head was about all I could manage. When the chemicals shift in my brain, words get stuck in my throat making it difficult to communicate… It's like being in some sort of mute grey cocoon devoid of caring. Cause that's really what it boils down to - I just didn't have the energy to care about anything…

I don't give him a shout out often enough, but gosh, I don't know where I'd be without Carm's constant, steady presence… The last year has had a lot of ups and downs and some challenges, but everything felt doable with Carm by my side. And on those days when I can barely function, I might not say much but I do appreciate his support and that he doesn't put extra pressure on me… I'm generally hard enough on myself!

Awesome!

“gathering of friends for Trudie's birthday”

“cream puffs & panettone”

“Lupa making new friends”

blah

The last week has passed in a blur of inactivity… my motivation and energy levels have hit new lows and honestly, I'm having trouble dragging myself back to the land of the living… and barely care if I do… Usually by now I would be sick of myself which would somehow help to realign me… that is not happening at all… well, maybe I have a modicum more caring today than I did yesterday, but will it be enough to get me out of bed tomorrow morning?

I haven't been on the treadmill for days…

I know some of this is seasonal but I also wonder how much of it is tamoxifen… I've been running numbers in my head to suss out where the risk/reward line lies for me, at this point I might ask the oncologist about stopping it for a month or two to see if my mood improves and other side effects abate. I see him mid-February so still have lots of time to weigh my options. And who knows - maybe I'll feel great this time next week!

Thank goodness for the giant pot of soup I made last week as I've not been cooking much… tonight I dug out a soup from the freezer, so yes, more soup. I will be forever grateful that Carm loves soup and would not complain if I served it to him night after night. I'm not so far gone that I don't appreciate that I have it pretty good!

We've been binge watching ‘Rick Steves Europe’ for the last few weeks - I've learned so much art history!

Awesome!

“half way through January”

well into 2025 already

It's obviously been cloudy here for ages as yesterday was the first day in forever that the sun was shining in my eyes while I sipped my afternoon tea on the sofa. Yes, full blazing sun! It's fantastic :-) And here we are, well into 2025 already!

We celebrated the arrival of the new year in traditional fashion. Cathey, Jim, Trudie, Leo, and Pat, joined us for an evening of eating and laughing. It was subdued compared to some of our more recent NYE, as we were without Olaf & Steph to liven up the party. As usual, I made too much food. 

I made the fig & caramelised onion goat cheese dip with focaccia again. We had wings, roasted carrots wrapped in prosciutto, stuffed mushrooms, lots of veggies & dips. I made a ‘dirty martini’ dip with blue cheese & gin soaked olives which was good. We made food that never got served! No complaints though - it was great to have leftovers for 2 nights!

Last Saturday we made the trek into town to celebrate Stephanie's birthday. We couldn't remember the last time that we had driven into the city at night - it was probably years! Of course it was snowing… But we did it, and it was nice, although we probably won't return to the same restaurant - it was easily a 1 star meal!

Aside from all of that, there's been an awful lot of malingering on the sofa… I tried fasting two days ago but only made it to the 24 hour mark before binging on all sorts of unhealthy foods - I just can't seem to get back on track no matter what I tell myself…

My energy has not returned, but I have been forcing myself to walk on the treadmill or ride the bike… I've not been going hard at it yet… I'm wearing a holter monitor for 2 weeks so I have (!) to cut back on some of my plank exercises as the monitor and wires get all tangled up! Or that's my excuse…

I never did get much ‘Christmas’ distributed around the house this year so it was a simple task to wrap the tree in its sheet and get Carm to carry it back down to the basement and voila! most of the cleanup was done… oh, there are a few tiny trees left which will only take a few minutes to put away but I'll wait till February or March. 

I would really like to ‘care’ again…

Last night we had a lovely winter dinner at Trudie & Leo's. In years past this would have been a weekly occurrence and the nights would have been late with more than one bottle of wine emptied. Now it's much less frequent and not even half a bottle gets consumed. 

Today, after a quick haircut in the village, we dashed to liquidation. I picked up a few random things, and Carm got a solar light, but honestly, there's not much interesting… HOWEVER on the way home we saw a wolf on the side of the road. Carm stopped and backed up - we stared at each other for quite a while before it ambled off.

Awesome!

“a bit of sunshine”

“dogs asleep in a sun spot”

“welcoming in the new year with friends”

“getting home after a snowy drive”

“a wolf!”