but to the happy, I am at peace

It's been close to 3 weeks of an emotional rollercoaster, culminating in Graham's Celebration of Life which was held last night. The days raced by but the minutes creeped. Now we can start to move forward and somehow process the loss without the distraction of preparations. I can see that it won't be easy…

The celebration (it's honestly hard to call it that as who can truly celebrate an untimely death after years of struggle), perhaps I will call it a Remembrance, was heartwarming, Hearing stories of Graham from people I had never met and how he touched other people's lives helped me to remember him before things went so badly. More people attended than we expected and I was personally touched by my friends and family who dropped in, some from long distances. The momentary respite from grief in the arms of those I love was a balm that helped me through the night. Each warm embrace strengthened me.

When it came time for the words of remembrance, Shawn took the helm, introducing each of us as we said our words. Olaf did the eulogy in the form of a poem that he wrote; Juliette was composed, sharing her memories of her father; Erik managed his speech well. Kirsten and I read a simple poem together - I knew I wasn't strong enough to do more than that. Standing beside Kirsten made it possible to speak. Shenna stood with Nissa while she read her beautifully written tribute which was followed by a recording of 'Over the rainbow'. I couldn't tell how many dry eyes there were as my vision was obliterated by my own tears.

I can write my feelings (and yes, cry while I'm doing it),  but saying those same words out loud would have been impossible for something so raw. As it was, I practiced reading the poem over and over again until I could get through it without breaking up.

Remember Me by Margaret Mead

To the living, I am gone,

To the sorrowful, I will never return,

To the angry, I was cheated,

But to the happy, I am at peace,

And to the faithful, I have never left.

I cannot speak, but I can listen.

I cannot be seen, but I can be heard.

So as you stand upon a shore gazing at a beautiful sea,

As you look upon a flower and admire its simplicity,

Remember me.

Remember me in your heart:

Your thoughts, and your memories,

Of the times we loved,

The times we cried,

The times we fought,

The times we laughed.

For if you always think of me, I will never have gone.

Then it was over and we gathered his artifacts that we used to personalize the space. Pictures, musical instruments, a mini drone, his viking horn drinking vessel, the carved Valhalla sign, other odds and ends were collected into a green bin. I carried Graham into Mom's van to be taken to theirs, where he will rest until some ashes are spread. A full but tragic life broken down to a few tokens. 

Mom brought most of the flowers to her place, while I brought the beautiful arrangement from Trudie & Leo home. I might press a few flowers to make a little frame to tuck on a shelf.

In the afternoon, before the event, twenty one (I think) of us gathered at Mom and Dad's for catered sandwiches and sweet treats to fortify us for the long evening. We should have done a family photo as we were all dressed up and looking fine… but it would have seemed so weird and somehow inappropriate.

Thankfully Pat was here looking after the animals so that was one giant load off my mind - thank you Pat 😊 

All that was just yesterday and doesn't account for the multiple trips to the funeral home, trips to the photo printing stores, shopping for frames, making this arrangement and that arrangement. Posting the final copy of his obituary was a moment of reality. Lots of little tasks to keep us busy between the tears. 

Uncle Graham arrived last Tuesday to help share the load and to support Mom and Dad. He shared a name with brother Graham which must have been triggering - seeing your name on the door to a funeral home would be confronting - a double whammy - today's loss and glimpse into the future.

Last weekend the siblings gathered at Kirsten's for our annual night with Juliette and Erik attending to represent Graham. It was a night of high emotion and crazy release. I danced like I was afflicted by the 1518 dancing plague, music played, skull shaped shot glasses were toasted in his honour, some with black skull vodka - Graham was big into skulls - we dug out photos of better days, Erik's girlfriend Nourlynn impressed us with her rendition of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' - we all sang along, raising our voices in harmony.

Difficult times forge strong bonds.

I've learned that grief comes in waves… sometimes it's barely a thought that suddenly turns into a pit of regret and sorrow. Regret for what I did say but more regret for what I never said. If I had sent him a link to a song he might like, or a funny video, just to say that I am thinking of you, would that have helped to keep him in reality? If I had said 'I love you' more; if I had apologised for the times I didn't listen; if I had met him with Lupa like he suggested would he have felt more seen? I was too concerned with accidently saying the wrong thing and triggering a rage and kept him at arms length, communicating through texts for the moment. 

I didn't want to risk closing off the lines of communication, but now he is cut off forever, the opportunity wasted. Of course that's all hypothetical and honestly, it seems that the ending was written in the wind, but those what if's haunt me.

If there is anything to be learned, it's to tell loved ones that they are loved. It's to reach out in little ways to let someone know you are thinking of them and that they have a residence in your heart. It's to forgive and to have compassion for other's struggles. It's to not take things personally and realize that sometimes people act out because of inner challenges and unhappiness which has nothing to do with me. It's to remember.

Awesome!

"friends and family"

heartfelt thanks

I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from everyone. Your kind words have taken a share of the sadness and grief from my heart - thank you.

I started trying to write to everyone individually but you'll have to excuse the single post… it just became too hard to put into words the feelings that I've gotten from reading your messages and honestly how much crying can a person do in one go? As it is, I have a handy box of tissues for this simple message.

Plus you know how verbose I am! Why say something in 10 words when I can say it in 1000!

It's times like this that we find so much comfort from family and friends. There is a drawing together that strengthens bonds in the shared grief. But more than tears, there is laughter and warm feelings as we remember Graham through the years. So many funny stories remind us of his sense of humour and fun - it's been good to remember him as he was years ago.

That renewal of connections has been a gift. Years ago the minister that gave the eulogy for my Great Aunt Jean's funeral talked about how the gathering of everyone is the final gift from the departed and that we should not only grieve with each other but also rekindle the relationships between all of us, family and friends.

Mental illness and addiction are such hard roads to travel, for the person experiencing it as well as for those around them. Is there more help that we as a society can give those suffering? I don't know. My hope, and this has been my own journey for years, is that sharing and talking about these things brings it out into the open where maybe something can be done. It doesn't help anyone to keep struggles locked away out of sight, at least that has been my experience. Stigma is a killer.

On a more personal note, (making this about me as usual!), I feel blessed for my own mental health as his journey could have easily become mine and honestly, that scares the shit out of me… Maybe that's partially why I feel so much angst about what he was feeling and going through. I have always felt a connection to Graham through our shared illness as maybe I have more of a feeling of what he was experiencing than someone who has never had the black demon… but maybe I'm delusional and just projecting…

Unfortunately that feeling of shared connection made it more difficult for me when he would reject my help. I wanted to help him find his way to a more stable life but he didn't always want to hear it which caused friction between us. I always felt that if he would just take my advice, life would be better for him but of course we all have to make those decisions for ourselves. I hope that he knew my advice was coming from a place of love and caring.

I wanted to fix him which of course no one can do. All we can really do is be the support for when he did want to hear. I never really learned that though…

We are still in the process of making the arrangements. Mom has been amazing at keeping it together as we go through things with the funeral home, etc. Basic decisions seem so hard to make and talking about them seems unreal, almost as if I was sitting outside of my body, watching myself go through the motions.

I know that all of you have experienced your own losses and I appreciate your sharing. I see you all and see that you've gone through bereavements which helps me to believe that it will end up okay here too. A load shared is a load lessened. 

Hold your loved ones close. ❤️ 

Awesome!

"everyone who has been so kind"

"family"

long goodbyes

I never expected to be writing here at one in the morning but I can't sleep and need someone to talk to. I won't post this for a few days, once everyone has been notified… (update, it's less than 24 hours later).

My baby brother Graham passed away suddenly and unexpectedly sometime Sunday or Monday morning. He was found in his room at his apartment but details are sketchy leaving us with lots of questions that will probably never be answered. There is no cause of death yet and won't be for a few weeks. We are all in shock and having difficulty believing it.

Mom and I were able to tell his kids and ex wife all at once and in person on Monday afternoon. I can't think of more heartbreaking news to tell someone…I don't feel that I imparted the news well but I guess in the end, the news is the news and no matter the delivery, the result is devestating.  I have my own sadness but it can never compare to their's… please keep them in your thoughts as this will be a difficult time for them all. And my parents. Maybe especially them…

A bunch of photos of Graham and the kids came up in my photo memories yesterday just before Mom and Dad called me. They were fresh in my mind when I got the news so the picture I have of him in my mind is from when he was healthy and things were better.

from a few years ago

Graham will be remembered by many people in the community for his caring and empathy. He was kind to strangers and seemed to attract the downtrodden and lost souls. He always wanted to help people. Maybe giving help to others gave help to himself… I don't know. Wild rabbits would sit with him on the front porch. He loved nature. He had a curious mind and was interested in so many different things. He walked the city taking photos of people, sharing his talent and hobby. He befriended the shop keepers where he frequented, and the dog walkers, and the larpers who gathered in his favourite park. And others that we didn't know about.

He especially loved his dog Gimli.

He was also a lost soul with demons dragging him down to an almost unreasonable hell. I hope in his last minutes that he knew how much we all loved him. That is my hopest hope.

One of his favourite songs is 'somewhere over the rainbow' sung by Israel Kamakawiwoʻole, the beloved Hawaiian singer. somewhere over The rainbow 

We spent many hours in the past listening to music together and sharing our favourites.

Graham is the youngest - this was at my wedding when the boys were just little kids.

Tuesday night: we all got together this afternoon to empty his apartment of his belongings. The housing case workers talked about how much everybody liked Graham and how he seemed to bring out the best of a rag tag group of misfits… however it was not enough and he was dragged down by a few. He was naive, thinking only the best of people which left him vulnerable to being taken advantage of and being led astray. 

Steph and I took a turn keeping an eye on all our vehicles while the others started sorting through his things. While we were there, the neighbour in a nearby house came out to talk to us and share with us her experience of being friends with Graham. Gimli and her dog often got together to play. We are so grateful to hear the stories.

Countless flights of stairs later the cars and truck were loaded with what was his. We unloaded everything at Mom and Dad's, milled around not sure of what to do next then gathered in the family room to share stories, tears, and laughter. The kids, Olaf, Steph and I met up with some of the boy's high school friends. Shawn and Carm were able to join us. We had some heartfelt conversations over some IPAs before calling it a night. I'm back at Mom and Dad's for another night - tomorrow we'll start figuring out funeral arrangements - none of us have done this before and I guess we aren't rushing to get the job done. Perhaps it seems so final and an invitation for reality to barge in.

It seems like another era but just a few days ago we had a great visit with Olaf and Stephanie. They even played 9 holes of golf on Sunday (was that really just two days ago?). I went along for the walk. It was an absolutely stunning day with a cloudless blue sky and the perfect temperature for a country walk.

It seems unreal now. Juliette said it best when she said we have been grieving him for a while and now it starts all over again. So many mixed emotions of sadness, guilt, remorse, and yes, a bit of relief and hope that he's in a better place, free of pain and unhappiness. Graham, we loved you and you will be missed. There's been a hole in our family that we all hoped was just temporary… but now that opportunity has been lost.

Olaf and I with Graham's kids.

Awesome!

"golf"

"seriously though, I'll have to pass on the awesome today, although I could say that family and being together was good"