Sunday, March 30, 2025

burnin

So far it seems that we've dodged a huge freezing rain bullet, although it's just past noon and the rain is still lightly falling. The trees have slowly become glazed and I can see the branches drooping under the weight. Luckily it's about 2C warmer than they forecast so the rain is not getting as much chance to freeze before it hits the ground - good for the trees, but just as bad for the roads! This year's ice storm is a bit early - they are often in April - so I hope it's not a two-fer this year!


My new favorite singer is Jelly Roll - have you listened to him at all? ‘Burnin’ came on while I was on the treadmill this morning so I took the time to think about what it is I like about his music… First there's the lyrics that seem to be saying my words, singing my struggles - you can hear the pain in his voice, but there's also strength and hope in the notes behind him. The hard beat drives my steps forward - there's no giving up! The melody raises my spirits and reminds me that while I've had some hard times, the good times far outweigh any struggle, and that perhaps the struggle is what makes everything else so wonderful.


I'm doing an experiment with the tamoxifen… the last two days I've tried taking it in the morning, but it's too soon to tell if the time change will help. Both yesterday and today I had a hard time pushing through exercise - yesterday I couldn't even manage anything other than a slowish walk on the treadmill - weights were out of the question. This morning I did my regular routine but gosh, it was hard. Really hard. And I can still feel it a few hours later - that is not my norm. I had to slow down and decrease incline on the treadmill at times today as my strength seemed to drain out of me a few times, but I kept on and DID IT!


I'm pretty good at pushing through hard things, probably with all the practice with my mental health, but I can honestly say that it is much easier to press myself physically than it is mentally. For the physical I have a strong feeling of ‘try’, while when I'm having mood issues the ‘try’ is what is missing or if not missing, only faintly there. Actually, maybe it's only rarely missing, and usually there, even if faint.


I just saw the mallards in the pond while I was making tea. There's been a pair that visits for a few days every year since I can remember. I spend ages watching out that window in the kitchen - it's a wonder that I haven't sliced a finger off when using the cutting board! It overlooks the bird feeder which is a hub of activity. Lately the goldfinches have been there in huge flocks - they are starting to turn back to their brilliant yellow. The early red-wing blackbirds visit as well - their red & yellow epaulets are slowly becoming more vivid.


Behind the bird feeder and about 20 feet downhill is the pond. We've seen kingfishers, great grey herons, owls, turkey vultures, otters, beavers (one built a lodge for a few months), racoons, and of course squirrels and chippies. Oh and a few foxes, coyotes and of course deer! That window is tied for my favorite place in the house. My favorite is my bathtub - it's got huge windows on two sides, and a mirror on the third side that reflects what is out the other window. I can often see birds hopping around in the trees.  I wonder how many ‘joy points’ these windows have given me over the years!


Thursday we celebrated Carm's birthday with some friends over dinner. Trudie, Leo, Pat, Marie, and Liston gathered around the table with us for an evening of laughter and reminiscing. Trudie & Leo have decided to put their farm up for sale and move into a retirement community - it is a big change for them and certainly the end of an era. Last night we had a last minute dinner at their place which is just 1km down the road - those easy dinners will come to an end…




Awesome!


“friends around the table”

“music”

“the best night sleep in weeks”

Thursday, March 27, 2025

sugar in the air

I'm going to start this post like I did the last one, but it's the opposite so good! Well, that didn't last long… I was back to normal for part of yesterday but awful for the other part… this morning I'm great with only tendrils of anxiety and dark thoughts, although not tons of motivation. So I guess I'll just have to hang on for the ride and keep reminding myself that nothing is forever! Or in other words ‘Carry on as if I were Normal!” ha ha ha!


I can do this!


Today there is a haze of sugar in the air as so often happens on March 27th! I made Carm's burnt sugar cake yesterday and just now finished with the fudge icing. We'll be on a good sugar high tonight! Friends are coming for supper to help Carm celebrate the flipping of the calendar to a new and bigger year.  I cheated a bit with supper though with pre-made lasagne as the main. I'm making some ribs (Italian style) and a broccoli salad to round things out. Easy peasy! 


Later in the afternoon… hang on and fake it till you make it! I have to remember that it's just my brain playing tricks on me - ignore and smile!



Awesome!


“a good morning!”

“licking the beaters - oh that sugar!”

“a sunny morning - always uplifting”

“dogs asleep in the sunspot that they love so much”

“the right song playing just as my energy is flagging”

Tuesday, March 25, 2025

while it lasted

Well, that didn't last long… from about 2pm on Sunday to 2pm on Monday I felt great… One day of ‘normal’ and now I'm back deep into anxiety about everything… I'm always an optimist or pessimist, depending on which way on the pendulum my mood swings - if I'm depressed, it will never end… also, if I'm on the upside, I think that it will never end… hurray and alas for being wrong…


For the last several months I've been so wrapped up in fatigue and teetering on the edge of depression, that I've not been there for people, both friends and family. So many people I care about are having their own issues, but I can't seem to get myself together to help out where I could. I don't know how to get past this stagnation and its accompanying spiral of guilt. 


Then there's the piles of stuff around the house that need addressing, but I look at them and feel defeated and wonder if this will be my life for the next 4 ½ years... 


But I had one day! Surely there will be more…


Somehow though, I'm able to exercise and eat reasonably well most days, so not all is lost! I can't seem to heal my brain but gosh darn! I'm not going to give up on my body as well! 😱  I guess it's one thing that I seem able to control so my efforts go there, leaving not much left for anything else…


A quick dash into the google rabbit hole suggests that tamoxifen has shown promise in diminishing bipolar mania, but it can also trigger bipolar depression. So there's always that 😞 … I'll just make up my mind to get through it… will the power of positive thinking be enough?


ENOUGH WHINING!


Zumba was great yesterday (it was in the morning before the crash). I was starting to know where my feet should be based on the beat of the music. Oh sure, some of the steps were too fast for me so I just jogged in place, but I got some! It energized me so I got onto the treadmill for a leisurely walk when we got home - part way through is when I nosedived…


The owl was back again! This time I got a blurry photo - I really had to zoom in as it was all the way past the barn. We've still got some snow on the ground, but I'd estimate that 90% of the field has melted. It was a slow and orderly melt this year - the creek flooded as usual but the waters went down quickly once the river's ice jam had released. The last few days have been grey with spatters of snow and rain… and the upcoming week looks like more of the same with little sun…




Awesome!


“24 hours of feeling like my own self!”