it will never happen to me

 Well… we always think that it will never happen to us, but guess what, sometimes it does… it all started on January 19th with a way, way overdue mammogram. That was a Friday. The following Monday I got the results that suggested a followup mammogram with an ultrasound and an appointment booked for March 13th. Okay, well, that's a long time to wait, but I've been called back before so I just had a mild freakout.

At the March 13th appointment, after they'd done the scans, they booked me for a biopsy on April 10th, they also booked an appointment with a surgeon for May 9th, letting me know that if nothing shows up on the biopsy, they'll cancel the appointment. Okay, now I'm starting to freak out a bit, but the real freakout happened when my results report showed up online a few hours later which changed the rating of the mass from a bi-rads 4b to a bi-rads 5 - or in other words, a 95% chance that it is cancer. 

Yikes! Time to get serious about diet and exercise… it's a bit like closing the barn door after the horse has run out (that literally happened to me once at my Aunt Rena's farm!)... but I figured I had nothing to lose except extra weight, and that it if was something, starting from a point of good nutrition and lower body fat would be best.

Time really drags when waiting for a possible life changing event to happen, but finally it was April 10th, biopsy day, and then the waiting started to get more anxious. Day after day with no results. I walked off a lot of anxiety on the treadmill thanks to Kirsten. Maybe I was trying to run away from the possibilities.

I mostly corralled the anxiety in the back of my mind, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't pop to the front more often than I wanted. There was still a chance that it was nothing - I grasped onto that possibility like it was a life raft in a stormy sea.

Yesterday, late afternoon, an email came in from my family doctor - it's cancer. I have cancer. I have breast cancer. Gosh those words are hard to say but maybe if I say it over and over again it will cease to have an effect. I checked MyChart and sure enough the lab reports were there and they clearly stated ‘invasive ductal carcinoma’. Gulp.

Of course, I got right onto the internet and started trying to figure out with the pathology report meant… the good news is that we caught it very early - thank goodness for my delayed mammogram - if I had had it on schedule the mass would not have been there yet and it would have been another year or more before the next one… which would have given it a whole lot more time for it to grow. So lucky I guess!

I don't know what my treatment plan will be but most likely surgery, followed by a possible round of radiation and then hormone therapy for 5 years. But that's just guessing based on the pathology and what I have gleaned from the internet. I'll have to wait till May 9th to hear the plan from the doctor… in the meantime, my summer is up in the air.

I hate unknowns and I hate not being able to plan. I don't know what our summer is going to look like at this point. Will it be a wasted summer with no swimming (NO!) and just hiding in our air-conditioned house between being shleped to the hospital for treatments? I hope not.

And then there's the whole ‘I have cancer’ punch in the gut. But I tell myself that it was caught early and is very treatable, and that my chance of dying from it is close to zero (not to jinx myself!). I console myself by thinking of a friend who has survived the same diagnosis and try not to think of my grandmother who passed away 64 years ago from the same thing. Cancer treatment has come so far since then.

But I am blessed with a husband who has been my rock through the bipolar years, and who I know will be a boulder for the next challenge. I have a family who will be supportive. I have a wonderful sister that will keep me motivated. I am not alone.

If ‘effort’ will get me through this, I'll be fine. Several weeks ago I switched up my diet from junk to mostly plant-based (fyi I feel fantastic!), then yesterday I upgraded the food tracking app that I've been using to include nutrients so that I can be sure I'm getting everything that I need nutritionally. I'll keep exercising. I'll focus on the end-goal and not let any mood disturbances derail me! As Olaf says, I'll kick it's ass!!!

There were some snowflakes carried on the wind this morning 🤔, and by wind I mean a bloody gale! Spring continues to elude us :-( 

Yesterday we dashed into town for the most dreaded of all activities… shoe shopping! We went straight to the Sketchers store as I usually have good luck with their shoes. I wanted a pair of cushiony walking sandals for the treadmill - my feet boil in my sneakers (feet of flames!). I found what I think is a good pair (I bought 2 on the sale just in case) - I tested them out on the treadmill today and they were great, but I’m afraid I had to be a total dork and wear socks with them!

The shoe shopping took less time than we planned and it was lunchtime. Hummm… go home for a salad OR go for Pho! We haven't been to our little hole in the wall place since before COVID, so with a flash of inspiration and a mouthful of drool, off we went for a bowl of noodles. Yum! Interestingly, I haven't been eating much sugar or white carbs for about 6 weeks - well, by the time we got home I was barely able to stay awake. The carb crash was a 5 car pileup. I'll have to do some experimentation, but for now, I'll continue to avoid those foods.

Awesome!

“being able to walk fast for 80 minutes and not being exhausted! A trip to Europe with all the walking would be a breeze for me now.”

“finding good shoes (fingers crossed that they really are good)”

“vietnamese noodles”

sugar high

 I spent a few hours in the kitchen today trying two new recipes… it has been a while since I’ve made something new as I've been subsisting on a combination of beans and vegetables for weeks! The vegan Swedish meatballs and red cabbage salad both turned out great and will become regular visitors to our table. It's always a bit of a ‘crap shoot’ picking new recipes - I had mixed feelings about the cabbage salad… Carm baulked at it… and then tried it - I had to drag him away from the bowl!

Yesterday we traipsed across the countryside to Kirsten's for an afternoon of celebrating Shenna's birthday. I brought cardamom buns made into little ham & cheese sandwiches (I ate 2!), and of course there was cake! A beautiful gelato cake. I haven't had much sugar in the past 6 weeks and my gosh, talk about a sugar high! And then low… It may have been a coincidence, but the sword of anxiety slashed my guts afterwards. Could it have been sugar related?

The weather continues to baffle… spring arrived very early this year with lots of above normal temps, but for the last few weeks we’ve been having unseasonably cold weather! The tulips are retreating back into the earth, not literally of course!

Watching the last quarter of the last Lord of the Rings movie… brilliant! I will admit to tears… they really drag the sadness out! How awesome is it that my brother-in-law has his name in the credits!

Awesome!

“birthday parties”

“red cabbage salad”

viridscent

 I've tried to write the first sentence for today's post for the past half hour but my brain is not cooperating… I know that I want to talk about how the earth is coming to life - grass is turning green and the leaves on the trees are budding with life. 

The treadmill stands sentry in front of a window looking south through a few trees to the hay field. The brown fields are quickly turning green as Nature wakes from her long sleep. Everytime I glance out the window it seems that another viridescent layer has been brushed onto the slopes. A few weeks ago, the race to summer was on, but since then, there's been a slowdown… cold weather with not much sun has slowed the return of life.

Speaking of the treadmill, it's seen lots of use this week! I've walked with Kirsten every day and even snuck in an hour-long tromp on the road with Christina. My weakling legs walked 2 ½ hours Wednesday!.  I was surprised at my fitness :-) I thought that I'd be gimping around on Thursday but NOT!

I've been making only the most basic of meals: veggies and beans in multiple formats… Carm doesn't complain but he'd probably love something else! (although he has had leftover beef stew a few nights). Next week I'm going to try making sun-dried tomato chickpea burgers for something different. And gosh, I need new ways to cook broccoli, and I have a purple cabbage that I have to figure out how to cook… I might try making a vegan ‘exploded eggroll’ with lentils instead of pork.

I have to capitalize on my motivation as it's sure to wane at some point…

Lupa was on the road again… we think she gets out by the bridge and can't find her way back… I'm debating on taking her out there on her leash and showing her how to get ‘home’. We also have plans to add some chicken wire along part of the perimeter. Luckily the passing truck stopped and didn't run her over.

Wednesday we opened the slides on the villetta :-) I can start taking stock and figuring out exactly how and what I'm going to redecorate. Plans, like sugar plum fairies, dance in my head as I try to fall asleep at night, pushing out any other worries and anxieties. I have a vision in my head of what I want, now for the execution!

Awesome!

“numbers on the scale”

“no sore legs the next day”

“slides out”

unconnected

 This morning I am reminded of how dependent on the internet I am, especially for my morning routine. Most mornings, while I drink my coffee (with protein powder these days - gotta build muscle on the treadmill!), I update my daily log files, which includes the weather from yesterday… no internet, no weather. Then I'll check my email… then I'll browse a bit on facebook. Instead of doing all that, I'm bothering you with meaningless babble!

It's another beautiful morning! Yesterday was sunny and warm - no winter coat required for the trip to the city to take Mom to an appointment. Yes, I got into and out of the dreaded Civic Hospital parking garage without dinging the car on something. I'm happy to say that they have finished the construction that had me weaving between fences and posts. It's still not my favourite place though! Mom's appointment went well - hopefully her obturator will fit better and she'll be able to eat more real food.

Talking about food - I've been sticking pretty firmly to a mostly plant based diet. Oh sure, I had beef stew on Sunday when we had my family over to celebrate Kari's birthday, and I had cake, although I could have done without it - I ate it more out of politeness than desire for cake - this is a big thing for me! I am a cake feind! I've cut out tons of sugar this past month, and honestly, my craving for it is mostly gone. I find blueberries to be plenty sweet :-)

In fact, my cravings are almost non-existent and I'm rarely hungry. That said, I'm eating regular meals, just lots of fruits and vegetables. My theory is that since I'm eating nutrient rich foods, my body is not crying out for nutrition. I'm 1 pound short of my lowest weight in 25 years! It's been a slow but steady decline…

This morning is glorious with perhaps a bit more wind than yesterday. 

Internet is still down… time to find out which books live on my tablet, and which ones live in the library app!

… later in the day… the internet came back, I walked with Kirsten, then we changed the tires on the car, and changed the oil in the snowblower and put it to bed, did some other minor things around the house, and finally had Trudie & Leo over for beef stew leftovers! Whew :-) Time for bed!

Awesome!

“sunny spring mornings”

“birds singing in the trees”

“the view from the top of the parking garage”

cultivate the habit

 With the excitement of the eclipse over we are back to a daily grind, well, not a grind, but day after day of sameness as we wait for proper spring and then summer to arrive. It would be easy, for multiple reasons, to get into a bit of a funk but I am determined to make it through these next few weeks with optimism and positivity.

To that end, Kirsten and I walked and walked yesterday, and then again this morning. We've walked over 240km together so far this year! We’ll be able to walk ‘the Way’ if we keep this up 😀 ha ha… It's gotten so that I can do an hour (usually 5.6km) and have more energy than I started with! It's wonderful and empowering. Now if only I could get rid of some of this stubborn excess (dare I say fat), that pads my body. I've been changing shape so maybe I'm replacing fat with muscle, but I doubt it!

I’ve been trying to watch what I eat and have cut out a tremendous amount of sugar and a fair amount of fat. I’ve eaten more greens and vegetables in the last month than I have since the beginning of COVID! We got into some pretty bad eating habits back then - time to make some changes.

We've been watching ‘the Masters’, an annual golf tournament that we watch every year... I guess it’s good background chatter… I have noticed a difference in the crowds and commentators over the years - the voices are no longer so hushed and the crowd is sometimes boisterous - it's not as good for napping as it once was. But there are shots of the beautiful azaleas that are fully in bloom. 

Years ago, just before we got Spike, we looked at a little one year old poodle that I would have called ‘Redbud Ruffina’, after one of the holes at Augusta. She wasn't the right fit for us but we found Spike just a few weeks later.

Just saw a commercial with the soundtrack by 10CC. They are not a mainstream band by any stretch of the imagination and were more of an alternate genre in the 70s, but I've always loved them. I remember being a young teenie bopper in the Kmart on Portage Avenue in Winnipeg, flipping through bins of albums - I picked two: 10cc ‘How Dare You’, and the Partridge Family greatest hits! The first two records I bought… WHAT THE ACTUAL heck! I've always had eclectic taste…

Pat came over for supper last night - as soon as we'd finished eating, we were at the tv trying to get signed onto Apple TV so we could watch more ‘Ted Lasso’ :-)  We watched 3 episodes together - I don't mind binge watching it.

Now that the weather has settled down (hopefully no more snow storms), I can get out to the trailer and start taking stock of what changes/enhancements I want to make this spring. Years ago, we would have had the slides out and would have had supper out there at least once by now. I would have even slept out there a few times! I don't feel the overwhelming need to have a change of scenery though, BUT, I can hardly wait till we are parked at Kirsten's again this summer :-) We'll be able to walk in person!

Awesome!

“walking for 90 minutes and still feeling fine”

“my new bra! ha ha - so comfortable!”

Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

total eclipse of the heart

 WOW! Talk about a moment! Monday, we decided to head east of here to get out of the cloud cover… so we got into the car and started driving south and east down country roads. There was a line of cars going the same direction but it wasn't crazy. We ended up all the way to the St. Laurence in a little mall's parking lot. We stood at the edge of an open field watching the moon slowly start to obliterate the sun. It was cool to see the light change and dim but it didn't really prepare us for the WOW moment!

There was an actual gasp as the crowd of people took off their glasses to see totality. I can't say what others were feeling but I was emotional… I wasn't expecting that as I was only vaguely interested, but gosh, tears came to my eyes and a lump formed in my throat.

It was totally worth the drive!

As we waited for the moon to traverse the sky, we chatted with a nice man from Ottawa. There was a feeling of congelaity as people walked around waiting for the star event. It was a mini festival :-)

Graham, his son Erik, and Erik's girlfriend (Norlyn sp wrong probably) also went south but to another town. Graham got a few good shots of the moon, but the one with the sunset/sunrise in an arc was stunning.

Yesterday we dashed into town, Carm to Costco to refresh our produce section of the fridge, and me to my parents to see Graham for his birthday. It was a busy day… after we got home, I walked with Kirsten for an hour, took the dogs to their pedicure appointment, then got supper ready for our dinner guest! Carm's ‘old’ co-worker, Ken, lives not too far from here and was on his own for a few nights so it seemed a good time for them to catch up on the current, and rehash the past.

Today… well… today is another day… I had an appointment in the city which wasn't a big deal but has left some things up in the air…

Awesome!

“the SUN AND THE MOON”

“little yellow flowers on the side of the road”

“outside in a t-shirt”

“still walking with Kirsten”

party hardy

 The snow has come and now it's gone (almost)… we were somewhat spared last Thursday and got only 10ish cm of the predicted 25cm, even though it snowed into Friday morning. There was enough that Carm decided to snowblow so that the driveway would be dry for our party Saturday night.

Once he was finished wrestling the orange machine up and down the laneway, he got busy in the house helping me with prep for Saturday. We zoomed through the task list, leaving me enough time to ‘meet up’ with Kirsten for 40 minutes on the treadmill!

Saturday we were up early and got busy right away so by noon, the house was clean(ish!), and we'd run out of things to do - everything left on the list was a last minute sort of job. I had time for the treadmill and time to relax. It was very strange and left me feeling discombobulated for the rest of the day!

My task list kept us on track!

Finally the nineteenth hour arrived and the first of our guests started arriving. The house gradually filled up and soon it was rocking! With a menu list on the fridge as my guide, I started heating and serving food - can't have hungry guests! I was certain that we would run out of food, but strangely we had twice as much as we needed… and I didn't even serve everything 😱  Either I am a terrible estimator, or a terrible cook! Or maybe both!

Today has been a day of washing a million glasses, putting away a ton of serving things, relaxation… and 50 minutes on the treadmill! Thanks Kirsten for getting me moving 😀 

Awesome!

“a snow day”

“friends”

“warm sunny day today”

“time to relax on the day of”

off the face of the earth

 The wind is howling, sending the clouds racing across the blue sky - it's mostly clear at the moment, but later there will be rain and then snow overnight and all day tomorrow… maybe up to 25cm… it’s been a very strange winter… Carm has been out with the snowblower only 3 times! Luckily he hasn't winterized it yet! 

Unfortunately, this early spring weather has not fired my creativity! As it is, it's been two weeks since my last post - I have no idea how that happened! I’ve had a few things on my mind which has been a distraction, but I can't seem to get my muse dancing in my head - she's sound asleep under the covers somewhere.

My muse might be snoozing, but I haven't been!

I'll step back into time and see what I can remember…

A week ago today, I threw lots of sugar and butter around to make Carm his favourite burnt sugar birthday cake. It was a milestone for him last Wednesday (I can't believe I'm married to a 70 year old man!!!). But as Kirsten said, ‘70 is the new 60’ and I think in Carm's case this couldn't be more true. We celebrated at noon on the 27th with my family via zoom and then again Wednesday night with Bruce & Tina at the Keg. Bruce’s birthday is on the 27th as well so we've had a long tradition of dinners in town with them :-)

Thursday Carm did Costco while I visited with Mom and Dad; Friday I spent the day in the kitchen cooking for Saturday's Easter celebration with the family out at Kirsten's. We were a big crowd of 19 people, and still there were leftovers since Olaf brought a giant bag of hamburgers! It was a group effort with everyone pitching in to help.

Sunday we mooched around the house, feeling lazy and unmotivated! Oh sure, we got a mountain of laundry done, but otherwise… Yesterday I started cooking for next Saturday's party. Cardamom buns (another batch!), and mashed potato cheese puffs are nicely tucked into the freezer. My to-do list has been fine tuned and the menu has been set :-)

In the past 2 weeks, I've walked for an hour almost every day - I’ve only missed 2 days in 35 days! I'm not losing weight, despite calorie counting for weeks but I think I'm changing shape (in a good way)... some spots that were convex are now looking a little concave :-) I feel much stronger and can walk faster for longer.

I've read a few books in the past two weeks: one about the advantages of small dogs and I'm in the middle of a book about how we remember. 

In all that time, we had Pat for supper but otherwise it's been a company wasteland! Our friends probably think we've dropped off the face of the earth! It's not that I've turned anti-social but have hibernated more than usual this winter.

Awesome!

“all the garlic is up”

“pool has thawed! It's 9.5C so not swimming temps yet!”

“a good birthday celebration”

“family together”

a new start

 A whole week has passed and what have I done? I've walked on the treadmill for 7 hours and 40 minutes! That's 460 minutes! Today I did 6 km in 60 minutes - my fitness has improved tremendously and I look forward to improving even more. I can push myself harder and longer :-) And I get off the treadmill feeling energised, not drained, and in a great mood! I think I've made the transition from dread to anticipation 😀 

Yesterday morning I drove into town to visit my parents (and of course Graham), and then Mom and I did some serious retail therapy! We had fun! Mom scored some patterned leggings and matching scarfs (and purse!) - she looks fantastic! 

lunch: 4 cups mixed greens, ½ cup chickpeas, roasted sweet potato, roasted mushrooms, steamed broccoli, grilled tofu. 

Since last wednesday, I've been focusing on healthy foods and thinking about food as medicine. There is so much research coming out about what foods fight cancer and other health conditions: tofu, mushrooms, berries, cruciferous vegetables - they all play a role in nourishing our cells and reversing disease. With all that in mind, as well as wanting to lose some weight, I've mostly transitioned back to plant based eating. I know it works, and I know I feel great… 

I won't cut out all animal products but will reduce them significantly (we have a big steak dinner planned for Carm's birthday next week and I won't pass on a giant chunk of beef!). Over covid, I started adding too many unhealthy meals and it showed. It's time to think of our health again! (and I've lost 2 pounds in a week! probably lots of water though…)

Lupa got a haircut today - it's much less of an ordeal than it was with the two poodles - 45 minutes from start to finish, vs over 2 hours. Still, I'm always glad to have that job out of the way for another 60 days! She's pretty good for the whole thing, but I do have Carm help to steady her. 

(before her haircut!)

We are under a winter weather warning today!

Awesome!

“Lupa's haircut done!”

“a few beautiful days”

“feeling good driving”

“fun outing with Mom”

“walking with Kirsten”

“tulips pushing their way out of the earth”

“Carm saw little green garlic shoots (gosh, I hope this isn't too early - forecast for -16 tomorrow night”

spring forward

 Sunday morning, while I was lying in bed struggling to find a reason to get up, I decided that instead of dreading my time on the treadmill, it will be something to look forward to. Don't get me wrong, I do look forward to chatting with Kirsten, but the physical effort? Not always. 

Looking back I can see that all my failed attempts at consistent exercise were based on mindset. I'd tell myself that I only had to get on for 10 minutes, like it was some sort of punishment, in the hopes that I'd get into the groove and walk longer. It usually worked but I'd go through the same mind games the next day and the next - motivation did not endure! 

The times that I've been most successful was when I was fired up about the exercise and feeling of getting stronger. This is what I have to recapture, and I think I'm starting to get there. All that said, I cannot discount the absolute awesomeness of having an exercise buddy!

down by the creek

Sunday was mostly rainy but finished off with some snow that stuck to the ground. We had to scrape the car when we left Trudie & Leo's after supper. By the time I got up Monday, (shockingly late again!), the snow was mostly gone. It's sunny this afternoon with the forecast showing above zero across the board for the next week. Unheard of.

Several weeks ago I might have mentioned that I made preserved lemons - well, Saturday was the day to try it. I took one quarter of a lemon, rinsed it, chopped it finely, then stirred it into garlic & fennel that I was sauteeing for a rice pilaf - it gave a delicate lemon flavour to the rice. The jar should keep in the fridge for several months :-)

I also made lox from some salmon that we got on sale. Easy and so so good!

Last night we had Trudie & Leo over for a quick supper. They were gone by 7:30 - we are definitely all getting older and sleepier ;-)

I had to get some imaging done at our small local hospital this morning. The technicians were all friendly and helpful, and it was an easy shift from one area to the other. In the city I might have even needed to change hospitals for the second image - yay for small towns!

Scamper… a word that aptly describes Lupa running from room to room with her toys. The dogs have scads of toys, some of which are around 2 years old. The little monkey, with the long brown tail, still survives despite it being Adia's favourite. Lupa prefers the giant toys that are almost as big as she is! She wrestles and drags the dragon all over the house, and can even jump onto the bed with it, although not always on her first try!

Awesome!

“walking for an hour on my own”

“small town hospitals”

“salmon”

“a gorgeous sunny day - almost shirtsleeve temps!”

“dogs asleep in the sun spot”

“Lupa lying flat on her tummy with her legs stretched out behind her - so cute!”

"daylight savings time"

just when I thought

It seems that anytime things are looking like they are getting back to normal, something else pops up. Sunday night I twisted the wrong way and screwed up my back… very painful with spasms at every movement… I was in slightly better shape when I got up on Monday morning but it wasn't ideal and movement was painful! Kirsten was walking so I figured I'd just gimp around the house while she did, but at the last minute got onto the treadmill and being careful with my movement had a huge improvement - I was able to keep it up for 50 minutes - at a snails pace again but hey! I even went out for a half hour walk with Carm later in the afternoon 🤪

I think the initial walking and lots of careful stretching ‘massaged’ a nerve back into place, so now I'm just left with some inflammation but no spasms. I've walked every day since which seems to be helping!

I continue to carry on as if I were normal!

Last week, a few days before we went to Olaf's, our hot water suddenly became SCALDING hot! We don't know what caused the change, perhaps one of the thermometers malfunctioned. Over a few days he was able to adjust the temp until it's acceptable, but why? He chatted with the hot water tank company and they sent replacement thermometers :-)

There are only a few tiny patches of snow left where the snowblower had piled it especially high! We've had record breaking heat for a few days, even today, with the cold front dropping the temperature from the teens, it's still unseasonably warm at 5C. We should still be in the thick of winter…

Eleven percent of Americans have type II diabetes. Photos of kids lunchboxes have been showing up in my feed lately - it is shocking what is considered food in the US. Lunches with mostly pre-packaged sweets and chips seem almost the norm. And often a sandwich on white bread with nutella is included for protein...

Having said that - I am not a perfect eater - not by a long shot! But I hope I'd send real food in a lunch box! It’s time for me to do better with my own nutrition!

I’ve been doing a pretty good job of tuning out the nightly news but sometimes it intrudes and I'll have to say, the world is shit.

Awesome!

“record breaking temperatures”

“goulash with white beans instead of pasta”

“Carm's garlicy crostini”

“cuddling back into the sofa with a hot coffee after an hour of walking”

“cold cucumber”

carry on

 Carry on as if you are normal is my mantra these last few days, and carrying on I am! Thanks to Kirsten I've gotten back walking - an hour Thursday and Friday, 50 minutes yesterday, and another hour today. Today was a bit faster, but the other days I wasn't walking at record speed, in fact I was moving at a slow amble, but I did it! Having an exercise buddy is awesome!!! Especially on the days when I really don't want to do anything other than curl up on the sofa 😀

Friday we lost Lupa for about half an hour!!! Panic! She'd been missing for 10 minutes before Carm came in to get me - I took off towards the creek with visions of her drowned body being swept downriver, Carm went towards the back before going to the road… where she was waiting to be let back in 😱 She must have gotten through the underbrush along the road where there is no fence and found herself unable to get back. She could have LITERALLY walked under the gate to get back to us but instead made us freak out for ages!

The red-wing blackbirds are busy staking their territories - first come first served I guess. It sounds like spring! High of 6C yesterday and again today with mid teens forecast later in the week. It's overcast though. The grey sky is like an incubus sucking all energy and life as it lies heavily on the earth.

We watched a segment on the news the other night about a group of swimmers who have kept a ‘lane’ open in the Ottawa River and swim daily! Yikes - they have to cut the ice out to keep it clear… I think my new swimming temp will be 15C/60F… If they can swim in near freezing temps I guess I won't die if I go in at 15C! Think how many more swimming days there'll be! At least I'll try…

Last week I got Carm to pick up carrots at Costco - yes, another 10 pounds! That 20 pounds that I complained about a month ago are long gone. It was handy having them already prepared so we cut up and froze half of them yesterday, keeping some for a ginger carrot soup to serve to Pat last night. The lowly carrot is not so humble when married with lots of garlic, ginger, and lime! Or when dressed with parmesan and hot honey!

We finished watching ‘Lessons in Chemistry’ last night while Pat was here. It's a great series but if you've read the book be forewarned that the story is wildly different in some aspects! Good but different.

Awesome!

“my exercise buddy”

“almost all the snow is gone”

“Lupa showing up at the gate”

“feeling better getting off the treadmill than I did getting on! REMEMBER THIS!”

geese

 Yesterday, in my daze, I heard red-wing blackbirds in the wind-whipped trees. There seemed to be a flock of them calling as they tried to find a spot out of the wind. And there was wind last night - oh my gosh! The hawthorns outside the bedroom windows morphed into craggy monsters that were clawing at the glass trying to get inside. I tried to get to sleep, the dogs tried to settle, but until Carm was there, and we were all together, none of us could relax. Miraculously, the power stayed on.

Today I got out of bed at the semi-regular time (late! but the same time as everyone else) - I consider that the first big win of the day... Looking back at the past few days, even though it was the worst I've been for years (I can't remember the last time I spent 1 day in bed, let alone 3!), there was a difference. This time I knew that it would end… that it would pass… that if I were just a little patient I'd feel better eventually. I didn't beat myself up, thinking that I'm a loser, making it worse than it had to be. It's taken 20 years to learn this… I'm a slow learner I guess.

On some level I may have known it would end, but I also gave in and didn't fight it, even that little voice in the back of my head was silent for a while. Perhaps that's why the worst lasted so long.

One of the ‘Modern Love’ episodes that I watched featured Anne Hathaway as a bipolar woman swinging from low to high - it was a bit of a caricature of what living with bipolar looks like but at the same time it depicted the mood swings rather well. There were moments in the program where I was “yes, that is exactly how it is”... Sequins and bedazzle on the upswing, soporific flannel on the slump.

It's sunny and a bonus February day so I should try to get the rest of the ‘winter’ garlands and little trees put away until next Christmas. I’m feeling somewhat better but at this point in the day (10 am), I'm not sure if I have the energy or will to get it done… maybe if I put some music on…

Later in the day… With Carm's help we got the garlands and little trees packed away! The ‘summer’ valances are re-installed. The house looks vaguely like it's missing something but our eyes will adapt!

My third big win today: I got on the treadmill for an hour, slower than a snail's pace, but chatting with Kirsten kept my feet moving long past the time they wanted to quit… it's not all mood - there's often a profound fatigue, it feels like I am moving through a bowl of cream of wheat, slow and with great effort. (hummm… I might be a bit hungry!). Anne Hathaway played it well. I could not have walked for an hour a day or two ago.

GEESE! Huge flocks circled over the river before splitting up into smaller groups as they spiralled down from the blustery sky, their wings flapping madly as they made the turn into the wind. It seems they are early this year.

Awesome!

“no trees down after the huge windstorm”

“feeling much better today”

“geese! the harbinger of spring”

“60 minute amble”