two turkeys

 The sound of raindrops lulled me into a comfortable doze… I'd been awake since 5am but stayed snuggled under the covers for a few hours, dozing in and out of a weird half awake, half dream state with spikes of anxiety about the day. Lupa was pressed against my side, a nice little lump of heat. Finally at around 8am, Kirsten rolled by with the garbage bin which set off a flurry of barking. It was time to get up!

We had plans to bring the trailer home today, but after looking at the weather for today and going forward, we decided to come home without the trailer and bring it home another day. There's a night at zero or possibly just below zero on the weekend so maybe we'll get it then. The days till the first snowfall are rapidly passing and with our trip looming on the horizon, we'd like to get it settled and winterized.

There are a few big jobs to get done before we leave, but we can get a head start on some of them before the trailer comes home so at least we won't be behind the 8 ball! (is that even a saying and what exactly does it mean?).

The house was… shall we say, cold… when we got home so after unpacking, Carm set a fire which has taken the chill out of the air. I'm still bundled up in fluffy pyjamas topped with my special quilt. Lupa is glued to my side but her heat isn't radiating far!

We arrived at Kirsten's on Friday afternoon, ready for a full weekend of celebrations. Friday night Kirsten and Shawn came over for supper (just a simple chili with beans, cauliflower, tofu, all drowned in Franks Red Hot sauce. Next up, Saturday: Thanksgiving dinner with Kirsten's family (obviously since we were there!), Mom & Dad, Olaf & Steph, Ted & Marion (the magicians), Shenna’s friend Emma, and of course Shenna & Nissa's ‘young men’! 

It was a feast as usual! Kirsten managed the whole thing with me contributing what I could make ahead of time… the stuffing balls were a big hit again - they are 100% worth the effort! We ate cardamom buns for days, and I froze half a cake. Mom brought turnip and a few cakes, including her most amazing carrot cake.

I was a bit of help on the day, but I was carefully managing my energy… as it was, I failed! and suffered on Sunday… Sitting in a giant armchair in the kitchen as everyone swirled around getting the last minute things done was not the greatest. I felt so useless… it would have been really awful, but Kirsten kept me in the loop, asking for advice which made me feel included. After we ate, I had to remove myself from the festivities and crashed on the sofa. I could hear the festivities going on in the next room which left me feeling both left out and included! But really, I was just grateful to have somewhere to put my head down!

I suffered on Sunday, but not as badly as I could have. I tried to take lots of rest breaks (well, I say tried, but honestly I had to!), between visiting everyone. Mom, Dad, Olaf, Steph left mid afternoon… Juliette & Erik came not long after so we had a second thanksgiving with leftovers, and a tray of focaccia with a spread with goats cheese, caramelised onion & figs. 

Sunday afternoon Carm drove home as he had golf on Monday, while I stayed back for another night in the viletta! Must get every last night in! He came back Monday afternoon, by which time I felt pretty much fully recovered from Saturday. This morning I felt great again, although when we got home I crashed on the sofa for the rest of the day… 

Over the weekend, Kirsten and I walked the dogs several times a day, had them in the field a few times, and drank scads of coffee while we visited. It was a great weekend for both siblings and puppy cousins!

Awesome!

“two perfect turkeys”

“dogs running in the field”

“family gatherings”

“Olaf's new blue hotsauce”

“getting safely home after driving for an hour in the pouring rain”

sunshine on my shoulders

The sun was already shining when I opened my eyes this morning and as I took a moment to enjoy the golden light coming in the door, I realized that the sun was shining inside me as well :-)

I know I've said this before, but somehow, for some reason, writing out what I'm going through sorts it all out in my head which releases negative feelings leaving room for hope again. It helps that I'm not feeling so wiped out and actually had energy to move around the house getting the odd thing done. 

It didn't feel like I was in hell as I made 2 cakes for the weekend - no! It felt good and comfortable. I felt at peace as the kitchen-aid whipped each batch of eggs & sugar till fluffy. Carm helped me fold in the flour and cranberries for the second cake - it's surprisingly physical! The first cake had my arms like rubber. But I didn't fret about it and was able to (barely) accept that this is where I am… for now!

I even had the spoons to make the biga for 2 batches of focaccia that I'll finish tomorrow. And now, writing this at 4:30, I still have enough energy to make supper! Carm helped by peeling and cubing a big butternut squash while I got the rest of the ingredients ready: caramelised onions from the freezer, dried lentils, garlic, sage from the garden, and some brussels sprouts which I will roast. It will be a change to all the sandwiches that Carm has been forced to subsist on!

The dogs got two short trips to the field - the first outing was peaceful… the second outing this afternoon was not… the cows were just over the fence line which had Adia & Lupa in a tizzy! But they were good and mostly listened to me calling them back.

Oh, and the repair guy from Bell was here again! This time it was a different connection that had come undone! If we've had two connection failures, how many other people are having difficulty as well? It seems that something could be improved - either equipment or procedure…

Awesome!

“waking up to sunshine”

“the milkweed in the field is turning red”

“the sky was an impossible blue”

“cooking and eating food from our garden”

“getting the internet fixed”

“having enough energy to actually do a few things”

“ending the day feeling as good as I started the day!!!!!!”

a long and whiny road

We are well and truly into October now…the deck has been fully put to bed (our living room looks like a furniture showroom again!), and the pool has been winterized. Boo hiss! It sucks that summer is over! It started late and was shortened by hordes of mosquitos… now mosquitos are gone but the temps are in the mid teens Celcius. I'm not even sure if I actually swam entirely around the whole pool more than a handful of times over the whole summer - I was usually in for a quick dip, not even swimming fully across - I usually didn't have the energy to do more… There were only a handful of outdoor showers.

But! Here we are, battening down for winter. We harvested most of the butternut squash today - it was a bumper crop! We'll be eating squash often through the winter :-)  I love the bright orange flesh in the middle of a dull winter day - a bit of summer sunshine captured for later.

I had seen recipes online that made a sauce with tofu & other vegetables, so the other day I roasted a butternut & zucchini (oh yes, another 2 zucchini were discovered this afternoon, hidden within the green leaves), and blended it with a block of firm tofu, garlic, sage, and a few cherry tomatoes… I cooked some gnocchi in a skillet and then added the sauce to cook for a few minutes - it turned out great and best of all, it made enough sauce to freeze two packets for a day when cooking doesn't seem doable.

Going back in time, after I helped Carm last week (Tuesday I think when I last posted), I struggled with energy for a few days, and then got cracking for a weekend at the villetta. It was good but not amazing. I did lots of walking but not much else - it took a day to recover from just the drive there. I probably pushed myself a bit more than I should but honestly it's hard to not do things. I feel so useless and don't want to be the person that says “I can't”... I struggle with the idea of honouring my limits! I've spent years pushing through fatigue and always figure if I can make myself do it, everything will turn out okay. That is not my reality anymore!

Anyway, it was great to be there! Kirsten and I had lots of fun with the dogs - they got a few shortish walks on the road and at least one outing a day to the ‘back 40’ where they could run and play. Lupa was better with Basel than I thought she would be, and didn't even freak out at him too much when he'd get a bit rough, although she did tell him off a bit. 

Tuesday, the day we went home, we had to go back out in the afternoon for another hour of total drive time to take the dogs for a booster at the vet… I was destroyed when we got home but somehow made it into bed… Even pulling the covers back seemed almost impossible - I thought of calling Carm to help, but didn’t... Car travel seems to be especially exhausting for me and over 2 hours was way too much… 

It took me a few days to recover from all of that, but finally I was able to get a few things cooked ahead of time for Thanksgiving - a batch of cardamom buns, and stuffing balls! Still a few things left to cook but I'll get started on that tomorrow.

Yesterday we had lunch at Mom & Dad's with Kari & Kirsten filling up the table. Mom made a turkey and we had delicious sandwiches on croissants with turkey, stuffing, and cranberries. I'm afraid I wasn't much help with anything - I felt so useless but just couldn't conjure up the energy to get off the sofa 😞 

Today I've been dragging myself around - the struggle is real, but is it all in my head? I sometimes wonder if I feel tired because I expect to feel tired? It's all so confusing and frustrating! I know the power of the brain can work for us, but also against us… I don't know how to reconcile which is which, but I do know that coming up from the basement a little while ago, I had to stop at each step to gather energy for the next - am I fabricating?

There is research about neuroplasticity and chronic illness and I just watched a video from CFS Health along those same lines (Overcoming Fear and Anxiety)... It's something that I believe in but can't figure out how to do all the time. Honestly, the amount of energy my brain drains from me to keep my thoughts in line is overwhelming at times… I was doing well for a few weeks but then it all fell apart and I can't seem to get my thinking back to where I was. My bipolar brain has not been helping the last few days either - it's throwing despair and giving up vibes which I have to figure out how to tamp down.

Meanwhile, as I move through the day, I notice all the things that need to get done and feel totally overwhelmed and barely able to cope - if I could snap my fingers and cease to exist, today I would 😞 But, I'll carry on and hope that tomorrow is better… no, let me rephrase that: I'll carry on and tomorrow WILL be better!

Awesome!

“Lupa quietly asleep beside me”

“Adia snoring on her bed”

“Saturday was a glorious sunny day”

“having a few big jobs out of the way”

“countdown to Punta Cana - 27 days!”