We are well and truly into October now…the deck has been fully put to bed (our living room looks like a furniture showroom again!), and the pool has been winterized. Boo hiss! It sucks that summer is over! It started late and was shortened by hordes of mosquitos… now mosquitos are gone but the temps are in the mid teens Celcius. I'm not even sure if I actually swam entirely around the whole pool more than a handful of times over the whole summer - I was usually in for a quick dip, not even swimming fully across - I usually didn't have the energy to do more… There were only a handful of outdoor showers.
But! Here we are, battening down for winter. We harvested most of the butternut squash today - it was a bumper crop! We'll be eating squash often through the winter :-) I love the bright orange flesh in the middle of a dull winter day - a bit of summer sunshine captured for later.
I had seen recipes online that made a sauce with tofu & other vegetables, so the other day I roasted a butternut & zucchini (oh yes, another 2 zucchini were discovered this afternoon, hidden within the green leaves), and blended it with a block of firm tofu, garlic, sage, and a few cherry tomatoes… I cooked some gnocchi in a skillet and then added the sauce to cook for a few minutes - it turned out great and best of all, it made enough sauce to freeze two packets for a day when cooking doesn't seem doable.
Going back in time, after I helped Carm last week (Tuesday I think when I last posted), I struggled with energy for a few days, and then got cracking for a weekend at the villetta. It was good but not amazing. I did lots of walking but not much else - it took a day to recover from just the drive there. I probably pushed myself a bit more than I should but honestly it's hard to not do things. I feel so useless and don't want to be the person that says “I can't”... I struggle with the idea of honouring my limits! I've spent years pushing through fatigue and always figure if I can make myself do it, everything will turn out okay. That is not my reality anymore!
Anyway, it was great to be there! Kirsten and I had lots of fun with the dogs - they got a few shortish walks on the road and at least one outing a day to the ‘back 40’ where they could run and play. Lupa was better with Basel than I thought she would be, and didn't even freak out at him too much when he'd get a bit rough, although she did tell him off a bit.
Tuesday, the day we went home, we had to go back out in the afternoon for another hour of total drive time to take the dogs for a booster at the vet… I was destroyed when we got home but somehow made it into bed… Even pulling the covers back seemed almost impossible - I thought of calling Carm to help, but didn’t... Car travel seems to be especially exhausting for me and over 2 hours was way too much…
It took me a few days to recover from all of that, but finally I was able to get a few things cooked ahead of time for Thanksgiving - a batch of cardamom buns, and stuffing balls! Still a few things left to cook but I'll get started on that tomorrow.
Yesterday we had lunch at Mom & Dad's with Kari & Kirsten filling up the table. Mom made a turkey and we had delicious sandwiches on croissants with turkey, stuffing, and cranberries. I'm afraid I wasn't much help with anything - I felt so useless but just couldn't conjure up the energy to get off the sofa 😞
Today I've been dragging myself around - the struggle is real, but is it all in my head? I sometimes wonder if I feel tired because I expect to feel tired? It's all so confusing and frustrating! I know the power of the brain can work for us, but also against us… I don't know how to reconcile which is which, but I do know that coming up from the basement a little while ago, I had to stop at each step to gather energy for the next - am I fabricating?
There is research about neuroplasticity and chronic illness and I just watched a video from CFS Health along those same lines (Overcoming Fear and Anxiety)... It's something that I believe in but can't figure out how to do all the time. Honestly, the amount of energy my brain drains from me to keep my thoughts in line is overwhelming at times… I was doing well for a few weeks but then it all fell apart and I can't seem to get my thinking back to where I was. My bipolar brain has not been helping the last few days either - it's throwing despair and giving up vibes which I have to figure out how to tamp down.
Meanwhile, as I move through the day, I notice all the things that need to get done and feel totally overwhelmed and barely able to cope - if I could snap my fingers and cease to exist, today I would 😞 But, I'll carry on and hope that tomorrow is better… no, let me rephrase that: I'll carry on and tomorrow WILL be better!
Awesome!
“Lupa quietly asleep beside me”
“Adia snoring on her bed”
“Saturday was a glorious sunny day”
“having a few big jobs out of the way”
“countdown to Punta Cana - 27 days!”
