self-indulgence

Warning! Long-winded self-indulgent rant… skip the first several paragraphs!

The days since I last wrote have somehow flown by even though I've been dragging myself around. It's taken herculean efforts to walk (except one day I was bursting with energy and even managed some weights)... I can't seem to get a handle on the energy and mood fluctuations I'm having - it's very discouraging but I won't give up. 

For years I've been bouncing between feeling great with lots of energy and then days where I can barely get myself off the sofa - it's a real rollercoaster… It's clear that bipolar is more than a mood issue, it's also an energy issue. I'm not sure which comes first, the low mood or low energy, but I think a drop in energy is my first cue that I'm on a downward trend. When I'm strong it's much easier to keep my thoughts in order, but when I'm tired or low, my brain gets the upper hand at times. 

I've always had this ebb and flow of energy but it's more obvious now as I'm wanting to get consistent with exercise but keep getting waylaid… I've managed to walk every day, sometimes for only 20 or 30 minutes but strength training is a hit or miss with no real consistency :-(

I’m wondering if perhaps I'm pushing myself too hard on my tired days… I've spent the last 20 or more years learning how to get myself going despite medications and fatigue from depression, and honestly, I've gotten pretty good at it… however, I'm wondering if pushing myself physically so hard is the right thing to do when I'm in a low cycle.

I find it difficult to scale back because mentally (at first) I feel so motivated but then my body doesn't cooperate but it feels impossible (or undesireable) to just give up and take a break. I have a fear that if I stop I will spiral down to the depths and won't be able to get myself going again… I guess historically that has not been the case, so I have to remind myself that it's not permanent but a transition that I just have to adapt to.

I would just like to live like a normal person and to be able to just exist without constantly checking in on myself… Maybe I'm too self-aware and causing the problem myself? Maybe I overthink everything!

I feel stupid for complaining though… so many other people are going through so much worse that my problems seem trite, so I know, that really in the scheme of things, I am quite lucky!

Sorry for going on. Sometimes it helps me to put it out there. Hopefully too, it helps you to understand why I don't always fully show up.

Chapter 53 Cato and Bailey Meet Laura's Brother

The parrots and dogs knew that something was happening because Laura and Carm were rushing around getting things ready. Laura and Carm spent a long time in the kitchen and they both did some cleaning even though the cleaning lady was at the house the day before. Cato and Bailey knew now that when those things happened, someone was coming to the house.

After the animals had their supper, Laura and Carm answered the door and in came Aunt Kari! Cato and Bailey liked it when Kari visited because there was always lots of fun conversation. Bailey was surprised that they all sat down at the sofas without having supper because when company came they always had supper first.

Laura told them that her brother Olaf and his partner were coming as well so we had to wait for them to make the long drive. Finally they arrived so everyone went to the kitchen. Cato and Bailey were happy that the people were going to have their supper as it usually meant there'd be something good for them to eat too! All the parrots were happy to have a little bit of roast beef but the dogs thought it was unfair for them to only get a tiny bit as well.

Cato and Bailey were not sure what to think about Olaf but after a while they thought that he was okay and could see why Laura said that he'd be the life of the party. There was lots of music playing but the birds were disappointed that no body would dance.

https://youtu.be/zjdgmAvh-dI?si=GtQYIFvoZL4Y_LcT (Rock n’ Roll all Nite Kiss)

Gosh though! Let's get back to regular life! Friday Kari, Olaf & Steph came for supper and a late night of visiting. It was fun, but I felt kind of low key so there was no wild and crazy dancing! 😜 Yesterday the whole family plus all the plus one's, and some extended almost family, gathered at Kirsten's for a Saturday Easter Lunch. Kirsten pulled off an amazing gathering of 22 people - she made a crustless smoked salmon and asparagus quiche which was divine, and a gorgeous lemon loaf. Mom brought her special carrot cake with icing that you could eat out of a bowl. Marion brought a salad, and I brought hummus and cardamom bun sandwiches. It was a group effort with Kirsten hefting the bulk!

Sadly, it was a miserable grey day :-( I wore white summer pants with a summery pink top, but should have had fleece & wool! I did wear my biggest parka though…

Awesome!

“family gatherings”

“focaccia is always a favourite”

“all the snow is gone!”

driving to and fro

Of course, on the day that I absolutely HAD to drive into the city - twice - it was freezing rain, or if not actually freezing at the moment, was threatening. Luckily, Carm has been my hero today volunteering to do the driving back and forth. For the early morning drive the roads were just wet, but the ice was still threatening this afternoon. In the end, both trips would have been fine for me to make on my own but it was nicer to do it together!

Yesterday was a beautiful day with temps reaching into the mid teens and full on sun. Today, the opposite. That's pretty lousy luck!

Let's time travel back to Friday… I overcooked the roast and the yorkshire pudding… I may never make another prime rib roast again! Hopefully I learned a lesson this time - take it out way before it reaches the rare temp (138F). In fact I might take it out at 134F since it seems to continue cooking for ages as it rests. The yorkshire pudding was just a dumb mistake. I'd pre-cooked them a few days earlier and stuck them in the freezer but when it came time to warm them up, I slid them into the oven which I THOUGHT I’d turned off but hadn't so they sat in a 350F oven for way too many minutes :-(

The other failure was the icing on the cake. The actual cake turned out well but of course the icing just flowed off, leaving just a thin layer of almost fudge. It was okay but not amazing…

All that said, it was a great night!

Chapter 52 Cato and Bailey Hear about Magicians

It was a normal afternoon except that Carm was out golfing. The parrots knew because they saw his golf clubs at the door. Laura started playing music right away which of course Cato and Bailey loved. Grace too! They all really liked the song that talked about Magic especially since Laura told them that she was friends with actual magicians!

https://youtu.be/h6o38MN8yqE?si=2pW-uPtw4xrTH_F4 (Magic Pilot)

Laura told Cato and Bailey that she'd see the Outerbridges on Saturday for Easter dinner but that the animals would all have to stay home because there would be too many people there. Cato and Bailey were sad about this and wondered if they'd get a chance to see the magic show sometime. Laura thought that might be a possibility but not for a while as the magicians were going to China to put on shows. They weren't sure where China is so Laura told them that it was on the other side of the world from here and that it is even farther away than Florida where they went for a vacation many years ago. Laura got out a globe so that she could show them how far it was!

Cato knew that she could do tricks as well but they weren't magic, although everyone who saw her do the tricks thought that it was a great show. She wondered if she should be part of the magic show that went to China. Bailey thought that might be a good idea, but wasn't sure if there would be glop or toast in China. Laura said there might be other good things to eat but it didn't matter since it would be impossible to get a passport that would let the parrots go there.

Plus Laura knew that Ruth and John would not like them to go so far away!

Awesome!

“my honey driving”

“no actual ice on the roads in the morning”

how many rotations around the sun

It seems impossible but 39 years ago today I first met Carm! It was a series of coincidents that led me to be at that place at that moment… the day before I'd gone to sign a lease at a new apartment but when I mentioned that I had a dog, they backed out. Boo hiss! So I was starting to walk back to my current apartment when I passed a man putting a 'for rent' sign out! It was for a one bedroom on the first floor of a two apartment house. I loved it and it was in my price range. I mentioned Chetta but Gene wanted to meet her before signing the lease so we set up a time for the next day for me to bring her over. That next afternoon, as Gene was meeting Chetta, Carm walked through the entry hall so Gene introduced me as the new neighbour! No one could have predicted that 39 years later, we'd be celebrating Carm's birthday together still!

I thought I'd get a bit ahead of the game yesterday by getting Carm's birthday cake done… it was a  burnt sugar disaster 😞  I think the cake turned out okay (but won't know until tonight when we finally cut into it), but the icing, which is really the best part, was an utter failure. I THINK I measured 2 half cups of brown sugar instead of 2 full cups… I felt that something was off, but I had measured everything out in the morning so it wasn't fresh in my mind. By the time the butter and sugar had melted it was too late to re-measure. When the final step was done, I should have followed my gut and started over. As it turned out it never thickened (it's usually like fudge) so ran all over the place.

Tonight, instead of supper at the Keg with Bruce and Tina, we are making a prime rib roast with all the fixings. They'll stay the night 😀  We don't eat meat very often, and I cook it even less frequently but gosh! The smell of a prime rib roasting in the oven is heavenly!

Chapter 51 Cato and Bailey Sing Happy Birthday

Laura wasn't singing the usual morning song but instead was belting out 'Happy Birthday'. All the parrots wondered for a minute who's birthday it was. Cato knew it wasn't hers or Bailey's. Grace quickly figured out that it was Carm that Laura was singing to! The parrots all thought that it was very exciting and that perhaps there would be special food for supper.

They could tell that people were coming over as the people were cleaning and spending lots of time in the kitchen. Grace told them that it was probably Tina and Bruce as it was also Bruce's birthday on the same day. She remembered Laura and Carm talking about it many times. She was glad that they weren't going out, which is what they usually do on Carm's birthday. The birds were all happy that there would be company and hopefully interesting things to listen to.

Later in the day Bailey noticed that there was the smell of meat cooking and was certain that the parrots would get some for second supper! It made all their tummies rumble and their mouth water to think of such a delicious second supper.

https://youtu.be/Cs5vUfddkT8?si=oYe_8-Sl22oWxdbM (Birthday Beatles)

Awesome!

"licking the beaters"

"anticipation of cake"

"bright sunny day"

"the smell of cooking roast"