sunshine on my shoulders

The sun was already shining when I opened my eyes this morning and as I took a moment to enjoy the golden light coming in the door, I realized that the sun was shining inside me as well :-)

I know I've said this before, but somehow, for some reason, writing out what I'm going through sorts it all out in my head which releases negative feelings leaving room for hope again. It helps that I'm not feeling so wiped out and actually had energy to move around the house getting the odd thing done. 

It didn't feel like I was in hell as I made 2 cakes for the weekend - no! It felt good and comfortable. I felt at peace as the kitchen-aid whipped each batch of eggs & sugar till fluffy. Carm helped me fold in the flour and cranberries for the second cake - it's surprisingly physical! The first cake had my arms like rubber. But I didn't fret about it and was able to (barely) accept that this is where I am… for now!

I even had the spoons to make the biga for 2 batches of focaccia that I'll finish tomorrow. And now, writing this at 4:30, I still have enough energy to make supper! Carm helped by peeling and cubing a big butternut squash while I got the rest of the ingredients ready: caramelised onions from the freezer, dried lentils, garlic, sage from the garden, and some brussels sprouts which I will roast. It will be a change to all the sandwiches that Carm has been forced to subsist on!

The dogs got two short trips to the field - the first outing was peaceful… the second outing this afternoon was not… the cows were just over the fence line which had Adia & Lupa in a tizzy! But they were good and mostly listened to me calling them back.

Oh, and the repair guy from Bell was here again! This time it was a different connection that had come undone! If we've had two connection failures, how many other people are having difficulty as well? It seems that something could be improved - either equipment or procedure…

Awesome!

“waking up to sunshine”

“the milkweed in the field is turning red”

“the sky was an impossible blue”

“cooking and eating food from our garden”

“getting the internet fixed”

“having enough energy to actually do a few things”

“ending the day feeling as good as I started the day!!!!!!”

a long and whiny road

We are well and truly into October now…the deck has been fully put to bed (our living room looks like a furniture showroom again!), and the pool has been winterized. Boo hiss! It sucks that summer is over! It started late and was shortened by hordes of mosquitos… now mosquitos are gone but the temps are in the mid teens Celcius. I'm not even sure if I actually swam entirely around the whole pool more than a handful of times over the whole summer - I was usually in for a quick dip, not even swimming fully across - I usually didn't have the energy to do more… There were only a handful of outdoor showers.

But! Here we are, battening down for winter. We harvested most of the butternut squash today - it was a bumper crop! We'll be eating squash often through the winter :-)  I love the bright orange flesh in the middle of a dull winter day - a bit of summer sunshine captured for later.

I had seen recipes online that made a sauce with tofu & other vegetables, so the other day I roasted a butternut & zucchini (oh yes, another 2 zucchini were discovered this afternoon, hidden within the green leaves), and blended it with a block of firm tofu, garlic, sage, and a few cherry tomatoes… I cooked some gnocchi in a skillet and then added the sauce to cook for a few minutes - it turned out great and best of all, it made enough sauce to freeze two packets for a day when cooking doesn't seem doable.

Going back in time, after I helped Carm last week (Tuesday I think when I last posted), I struggled with energy for a few days, and then got cracking for a weekend at the villetta. It was good but not amazing. I did lots of walking but not much else - it took a day to recover from just the drive there. I probably pushed myself a bit more than I should but honestly it's hard to not do things. I feel so useless and don't want to be the person that says “I can't”... I struggle with the idea of honouring my limits! I've spent years pushing through fatigue and always figure if I can make myself do it, everything will turn out okay. That is not my reality anymore!

Anyway, it was great to be there! Kirsten and I had lots of fun with the dogs - they got a few shortish walks on the road and at least one outing a day to the ‘back 40’ where they could run and play. Lupa was better with Basel than I thought she would be, and didn't even freak out at him too much when he'd get a bit rough, although she did tell him off a bit. 

Tuesday, the day we went home, we had to go back out in the afternoon for another hour of total drive time to take the dogs for a booster at the vet… I was destroyed when we got home but somehow made it into bed… Even pulling the covers back seemed almost impossible - I thought of calling Carm to help, but didn’t... Car travel seems to be especially exhausting for me and over 2 hours was way too much… 

It took me a few days to recover from all of that, but finally I was able to get a few things cooked ahead of time for Thanksgiving - a batch of cardamom buns, and stuffing balls! Still a few things left to cook but I'll get started on that tomorrow.

Yesterday we had lunch at Mom & Dad's with Kari & Kirsten filling up the table. Mom made a turkey and we had delicious sandwiches on croissants with turkey, stuffing, and cranberries. I'm afraid I wasn't much help with anything - I felt so useless but just couldn't conjure up the energy to get off the sofa 😞 

Today I've been dragging myself around - the struggle is real, but is it all in my head? I sometimes wonder if I feel tired because I expect to feel tired? It's all so confusing and frustrating! I know the power of the brain can work for us, but also against us… I don't know how to reconcile which is which, but I do know that coming up from the basement a little while ago, I had to stop at each step to gather energy for the next - am I fabricating?

There is research about neuroplasticity and chronic illness and I just watched a video from CFS Health along those same lines (Overcoming Fear and Anxiety)... It's something that I believe in but can't figure out how to do all the time. Honestly, the amount of energy my brain drains from me to keep my thoughts in line is overwhelming at times… I was doing well for a few weeks but then it all fell apart and I can't seem to get my thinking back to where I was. My bipolar brain has not been helping the last few days either - it's throwing despair and giving up vibes which I have to figure out how to tamp down.

Meanwhile, as I move through the day, I notice all the things that need to get done and feel totally overwhelmed and barely able to cope - if I could snap my fingers and cease to exist, today I would 😞 But, I'll carry on and hope that tomorrow is better… no, let me rephrase that: I'll carry on and tomorrow WILL be better!

Awesome!

“Lupa quietly asleep beside me”

“Adia snoring on her bed”

“Saturday was a glorious sunny day”

“having a few big jobs out of the way”

“countdown to Punta Cana - 27 days!”

chateau earwig

It hardly seems possible but here we are, September 22nd and the deck plants are inside. We also started bringing furniture in too - sofa, and green chairs from the pool level. Tomorrow we'll bring a few more things in - I have to pace myself!

The weather has certainly become more fall-like, with frost warnings overnight and low mid-day temperatures. I definitely needed a sweater outside, despite the sunshine! And thankfully there is enough wind to flummox even the most determined mosquito…

It's been a busy few days or at least it's felt that way… Saturday we spent part of the day at ‘Heating up the Capital’ hot sauce festival. Olaf aka ‘Uncle Awful’, had a booth showcasing his flight of hot sauces and people were all over it! There seemed to always be a line to try a taste and it seemed that most people left with at least one bottle! It was an awesome day - so much fun to see Olaf in his element. The weather was perfect as well, with slightly cool temps but a blazing sun.

After the hot sauce festival we raced to Marie's house (across the street from us) to be there for the Monarch butterfly release. It was pretty cool to see it warm its wings in the sun before taking off into the trees. The lady figured that it would reach Kingston which is about 90 miles away as the ‘butterflies fly’, by Sunday or maybe not until Monday, and there it would start the long journey to Mexico.

And how did I fare… not great although not the worst either. I was totally wiped by the time we got home so crashed for the rest of the day. Carm left soon after we got home for his annual ‘Friendly Golf League’ supper - I indulged in tons of junk food…

Sunday was not the greatest… lots of fatigue and sick feeling - I was definitely experiencing PEM, or post-exertional malaise… I took it easy all day so it didn't get worse. But gosh! I can usually keep a positive and hopeful mindset, but I'll admit to a few minutes of frustration and tears. I flipped out on Carm for no reason - I felt terrible about letting him take the brunt of my outburst as he's been a great support and certainly doesn't deserve my rants!

Today is much better although I think I'm still experiencing the tail end of PEM… but that didn't stop me from helping Carm start to get the deck cleared off. The sofa came in - there'd been some sort of creature on the deck so I didn't want to risk it being a desirable spot to create a nest for the winter! Then Carm did the heavy work of bringing the plants in… I carried some light ones, but otherwise mostly just manned the door. A few extra chairs made it into the basement as well. Still lots to go but we are on track.

Oh, and I got stung on my wrist while I was washing out the tubs that the indoor plants will sit in - it hurts like crazy and I feel a bit derpy from the benadryl!

Awesome!

“feeling mostly okay for 15 full days”

“biggest job done - plants inside’

“Uncle Awful”

“butterflies”

“sunny day”