Sunday, March 3, 2024

carry on

 Carry on as if you are normal is my mantra these last few days, and carrying on I am! Thanks to Kirsten I've gotten back walking - an hour Thursday and Friday, 50 minutes yesterday, and another hour today. Today was a bit faster, but the other days I wasn't walking at record speed, in fact I was moving at a slow amble, but I did it! Having an exercise buddy is awesome!!! Especially on the days when I really don't want to do anything other than curl up on the sofa 😀

Friday we lost Lupa for about half an hour!!! Panic! She'd been missing for 10 minutes before Carm came in to get me - I took off towards the creek with visions of her drowned body being swept downriver, Carm went towards the back before going to the road… where she was waiting to be let back in 😱 She must have gotten through the underbrush along the road where there is no fence and found herself unable to get back. She could have LITERALLY walked under the gate to get back to us but instead made us freak out for ages!

The red-wing blackbirds are busy staking their territories - first come first served I guess. It sounds like spring! High of 6C yesterday and again today with mid teens forecast later in the week. It's overcast though. The grey sky is like an incubus sucking all energy and life as it lies heavily on the earth.

We watched a segment on the news the other night about a group of swimmers who have kept a ‘lane’ open in the Ottawa River and swim daily! Yikes - they have to cut the ice out to keep it clear… I think my new swimming temp will be 15C/60F… If they can swim in near freezing temps I guess I won't die if I go in at 15C! Think how many more swimming days there'll be! At least I'll try…

Last week I got Carm to pick up carrots at Costco - yes, another 10 pounds! That 20 pounds that I complained about a month ago are long gone. It was handy having them already prepared so we cut up and froze half of them yesterday, keeping some for a ginger carrot soup to serve to Pat last night. The lowly carrot is not so humble when married with lots of garlic, ginger, and lime! Or when dressed with parmesan and hot honey!

We finished watching ‘Lessons in Chemistry’ last night while Pat was here. It's a great series but if you've read the book be forewarned that the story is wildly different in some aspects! Good but different.


“my exercise buddy”

“almost all the snow is gone”

“Lupa showing up at the gate”

“feeling better getting off the treadmill than I did getting on! REMEMBER THIS!”

Thursday, February 29, 2024


 Yesterday, in my daze, I heard red-wing blackbirds in the wind-whipped trees. There seemed to be a flock of them calling as they tried to find a spot out of the wind. And there was wind last night - oh my gosh! The hawthorns outside the bedroom windows morphed into craggy monsters that were clawing at the glass trying to get inside. I tried to get to sleep, the dogs tried to settle, but until Carm was there, and we were all together, none of us could relax. Miraculously, the power stayed on.

Today I got out of bed at the semi-regular time (late! but the same time as everyone else) - I consider that the first big win of the day... Looking back at the past few days, even though it was the worst I've been for years (I can't remember the last time I spent 1 day in bed, let alone 3!), there was a difference. This time I knew that it would end… that it would pass… that if I were just a little patient I'd feel better eventually. I didn't beat myself up, thinking that I'm a loser, making it worse than it had to be. It's taken 20 years to learn this… I'm a slow learner I guess.

On some level I may have known it would end, but I also gave in and didn't fight it, even that little voice in the back of my head was silent for a while. Perhaps that's why the worst lasted so long.

One of the ‘Modern Love’ episodes that I watched featured Anne Hathaway as a bipolar woman swinging from low to high - it was a bit of a caricature of what living with bipolar looks like but at the same time it depicted the mood swings rather well. There were moments in the program where I was “yes, that is exactly how it is”... Sequins and bedazzle on the upswing, soporific flannel on the slump.

It's sunny and a bonus February day so I should try to get the rest of the ‘winter’ garlands and little trees put away until next Christmas. I’m feeling somewhat better but at this point in the day (10 am), I'm not sure if I have the energy or will to get it done… maybe if I put some music on…

Later in the day… With Carm's help we got the garlands and little trees packed away! The ‘summer’ valances are re-installed. The house looks vaguely like it's missing something but our eyes will adapt!

My third big win today: I got on the treadmill for an hour, slower than a snail's pace, but chatting with Kirsten kept my feet moving long past the time they wanted to quit… it's not all mood - there's often a profound fatigue, it feels like I am moving through a bowl of cream of wheat, slow and with great effort. (hummm… I might be a bit hungry!). Anne Hathaway played it well. I could not have walked for an hour a day or two ago.

GEESE! Huge flocks circled over the river before splitting up into smaller groups as they spiralled down from the blustery sky, their wings flapping madly as they made the turn into the wind. It seems they are early this year.


“no trees down after the huge windstorm”

“feeling much better today”

“geese! the harbinger of spring”

“60 minute amble”

Wednesday, February 28, 2024

not quite the way I want

 Well… I was premature with my celebration… Monday I crashed… hard… I can't remember the last time I spent 3 days in bed but there you have it. That will teach me to gloat! It’s been so long that I'd forgotten what it's like to be in this state - I’d forgotten the absolute inability to communicate, and perhaps worse, the social withdrawal. It was impossible to string more than one word together, not that I wanted to. Greta Garbo said it best “I want to be alone; I just want to be alone.” 

I still feel leaden and dull - body and brain…  but managed to get the dogs out to their nail appointment - it felt like a major accomplishment. Leftovers for supper again tonight though…

I just have to be patient as it will pass and then I'll be back to normal again. Right?

I did watch 4 mindless movies on Monday and a season of ‘Modern Love’ yesterday…  when I wasn't just blankly staring at the wall. I now know more about the Bee Gees than I wanted to know. I watched ‘the Book Club’ where they go to Italy, then something called ‘the big wedding’, and I ended with ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding #3”... they went to Greece. 

“Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it, or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to.”

Sylvia Plath

Last Friday Christina came by for a test night while we went to Olaf's! I think it went well and we had fun with Olaf & Stephanie. We got a wildly excited greeting when we got home, but then as we were sitting around having tea, Lupa was on Christina's lap! A far cry from Spike who was not a happy camper when we went away.

 Sunday I made a turkey breast roll and we had Trudie, Leo, & Marie over for supper. I had some of the stuffing balls left (and still have a dozen or more in the freezer!). We've been living on leftovers since.

I guess I should mention that we've been having record breaking heat - a high of 14C today! Cold front moving in tonight for another few days of cold and then it's warming up again. Sadly, I haven't gone outside at all since Saturday… although today I managed a few minutes. Most of the snow is gone, leaving an icy path down to the barn. There's muck and half dissolved dog poop everywhere.


“homemade lox”

“a big enough bag of expired batteries to weigh down the piece of fish”

“laughs at Olaf's”