eleven days

Day eleven!

It's been a good stretch of feeling a bit tired, and occasionally nausea (honestly, lunch of broccoli & sardines makes me gag)... but nothing like what I was experiencing before. There was only one afternoon where I spent time resting in bed (that was after taking the dogs to the vet). Overall, I think I've found the sweet spot of activity - I can do more than I thought but less than I'd like! No treadmill or other exercise for another few weeks but I can see that I'll be increasing activity slightly in another week or two of relative stability.

If I pace myself properly I can actually get quite a bit done - I've roasted several zucchini, made flavoured salt again - this time Thai Awry - Thai basil, garlic, and Olaf's ‘Awry & Ginger’. It’s a flavour bomb! I've harvested some cherry tomatoes and packaged them into the freezer - little orbs of summer delight for winter stews.

I've been playing with the dogs - getting out the clicker for some fun games. It’s been years since I've done much with them - they get pretty excited when I get all the training stuff out. I can take the dogs outside a few times during the day, including one slow walk to the end of the field and back. 

TV and videos are still a bit hard - reels of music etc are energy neutral, but anything that uses my brain wears me out quickly. Still, I'm able to watch some things! And of course music energizes me - my ‘Thrive’ playlist is wearing out!

The trend is in the right direction!

Carm has noticed the trend to normal and said that he didn't think it would go this well!

I’ve been reflecting on how different bipolar depression is from the feeling of discouragement that I sometimes have whispers of. Being discouraged feels temporary and not all consuming. It's more like a cloak and not my whole being. It doesn't turn the world grey and there is always a thread of hope and belief that it will pass. Depression feels like it will be for eternity making life too hard to live. It feels heavy and a bit like that rock in Greek mythology. It's grey and black and fog and neverending rain. 

It’s the same thing with fatigue - there are differences. Bipolar depression fatigue is real - it feels heavy and like I'm walking through water. Pushing through it often helps and can even energize me. It makes the depression a bit easier to bear for a while. I’ve gotten good at pushing myself when I feel tired or overwhelmed… which has served me well in the past but not so much now!

The fatigue that I've been experiencing lately is different. It feels like the energy is gone from every cell and when I’m having a bad day, even holding my head up is hard. I notice how still I am - just shifting my weight sitting down is hard. I notice in the car how much effort it takes to stabilise myself when braking or turning a corner - it's exhausting - even as a passenger! The visuals of traffic and scenery passing quickly is tiring. If I continue to push through I feel worse and worse. Over exertion in bipolar depression doesn't last. For me now though - over exertion sets me back days… 

But! I've got 11 days of stability under my belt!

Two different illnesses… two different approaches!

I know I've been repetitive but I'm trying to drill into my head that I have to slow down to get better! If I say it over and over, maybe it will sink in! Being patient does not come naturally to me!

This has been the summer of mosquitos! We've had so much rain and never had even a hint of drought this summer. The field still has areas of squishy waterlogged ground. We haven't been able to sit outside on the deck for weeks now :-( I guess if I didn't mind dousing myself with mosquito repellant but honestly, it doesn't seem worth bathing in toxic chemicals.

The mosquitos have also kept us home from the villetta for another week - it's West Nile season and there have been pockets found in the area - I really can't risk getting sick. But I wanted to go so badly! We need to keep the dogs getting together as Basel grows up…

Awesome!

“feeling mostly okay for 11 full days”

“2 days without rain”

“tomato sandwiches still appear on the supper table!”

“Thai Awry salt on crackers with processed cheese and strawberry jam”

three in a row

Day three!

Yesterday was another great day, with perhaps a bit less energy than Thursday, but still pretty decent. I wasn't quite as busy but still puttered around getting a few minor things accomplished. I'd had a really lousy sleep going into Friday so had to scale back to keep within my energy envelope. At the end of the day, I still had energy left and had no ‘hungover’ feeling!

Today was more of the same :-) It's the end of the day and I still feel good!

I'm feeling pretty optimistic!

There's not much on the internet about recovery programs for me/cfs so I guess I'm lucky to have stumbled on something that seems like it might work. And no pills or devices… Hopefully it’s legit, but the person who created the program is just ‘some guy’ who spent 4 years of his youth with cfs. He has no credentials other than anecdotal. I'm not a scientist but it seems plausible that his program might work. I've read in multiple places that pushing through the fatigue creates a cycle of crashes that slowly lower your baseline until you are basically bedbound… I think I nipped it in the bud (fingers crossed).

I have no idea how possible this is when life actually happens… Tuesday will be a test as I have to take the dogs to the vet by myself which will involve 45 minutes of driving - actual driving, not just being a passenger - and then wrangling the dogs in the vet office. They are not well behaved out of the house!

Yesterday I made two jars of basil/scape salt - it's pretty easy to do: harvest basil, chop scapes, whizz scapes & basil in a food processor until finely chopped, add salt, pulse a few times to mix, then dehydrate! Today I made ‘Tropical Bromance’ salt from one of Olaf's new hot sauces. I love the ‘Tears of Agnes’ purple salt so figured I'd try another flavour. 

I'd not checked the zucchini patch for a few days… yikes! Carm picked 7 (yes SEVEN) big yellow ones this morning… I've just finished roasting a big green one that I picked a few days ago and I have another big green one to roast later in the weekend…  now 7 more… I took a ‘stroll’ through the freezer and saw that I have grated zucchini leftover from last year so obviously not the best way to preserve. I did use all the packages of roasted zucchini - I like tossing it in with pasta!

The airfryer will be doing extra duty this weekend!

I know I've been repetitive but I'm trying to drill into my head that I have to slow down to get better! If I say it over and over, maybe it will sink in! Being patient does not come naturally to me!

Awesome!

“feeling okay for 3 full days!”

“swim before lunch”

“watching Grace play on her bong”

out of the pit

Today I finally climbed out of the pit that I dug myself last week… one full week to recover from a busy day… I woke up feeling pretty good and still do now (7pm), after a slightly busy day although I have made sure to have lots of rest periods between activities. I'll know tomorrow if it was too much for one day.

I've started noting all activities that I do so that I can start to figure out my baseline… I've also watched the video and listened to the chapter in the book about recovery again (and again!). I'll get this figured out but expect that it might be a bit of trial and error.

It's hard to scale back activity and tasks when I feel energy though!

Carm helped get the last batch of tomato sauce made - leaving a platter of ripe tomatoes on the counter - hopefully enough for a few more nights of tomato sandwiches. The garden is more or less bare of the juicy red fruit… This year we only got 6 containers of sauce… I'll have to use it carefully over the winter. But it's also good not to have a giant task hanging over our heads.

I'm pretty sure that last year we had tomatoes on the counter until November! Not so lucky this year :-(

Speaking of tasks though… zucchini continues to crowd the kitchen counter. I made some scarpaccia this morning, but it didn't turn out very well. Maybe I'll roast a bunch to have in the freezer - it's nice to toss in a tomato sauce or soup mid winter.

The beauty of the day mirrored my mood - a beautiful day with a mix of sun and cloud… but no rain… today… last night we had 1.5 inches (42mm). Today we had a short break from flying intruders though! We bathed the dogs without being attacked by mossies, and I was able to sit outside for a while - perhaps there was a bit of wind keeping them at bay? They did eventually drive me back into the house though…  We took advantage of the sunshine to get the dogs bathed, and of course to dip our toes in the cool (cold!) water. I can't remember when I'd last swam!

I had my last appointment (touch wood!) with the oncologist yesterday - she gave me a clean bill of health! Hurrah! On the same day, my friend had a full masectomy… she'll have a much harder road than I did - yet again, I was lucky and I am grateful.

Awesome!

“feeling okay for a full day!”

“dancing in the water in the grass”

“finding new music (Cassandra Wilson)”

“a break from the mosquitos”

“feeling okay after an active day”

“making a proper supper after a week of no cooking”