summer begins

First day of summer and we are spending the night in the villetta!

I’ve had a week of sleeping at home and today is Mom & Dad's first full day alone. Mom is getting stronger every day and I imagine it won't be long before she'll want to go out for groceries.  Last weekend Olaf and Steph stayed with them for a night - Sunday was my first day fully at home since the end of May! And today is my second! It feels a little weird to be back to a semi-normal routine, at least for a day, but instead of getting back to my fitness routine, I made a cake! 

Last Saturday after a night in my own bed, I went to Mom & Dad's first thing in the morning - it was Mom's birthday! Kirsten & Nissa joined Olaf & Steph for a badly sung song and some delicious lemon birthday cake.

I hope Olaf doesn't mind but I'm including the awesome photo that Steph took of us last weekend.

Then the next day, Sunday, Father's Day, we met up with Carm's family at the funeral home for lunch. The cemetery puts on a bbq for Father's day so we enjoyed a hamburger and a cooler while having a nice visit. I was glad that Carm got to spend some time with his family…

When we got home, Carm got the chainsaw out so we could clear a few trees from the gate going into the hayfield… it's haying time so the farmer will be by with his machinery any day now. Our field is usually the last one he cuts and since he needs 3 days with no rain it could be any time soon or not soon at all - it's totally weather dependent. I remember in our horse-owning days standing in the field, arms raised to the sky, asking Mother Nature to split the rain clouds and spare our little field. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes we got rain… Rain can wreck the hay or at the very least, make it dusty and hard on horsey lungs.

Our photo memories have had lots of foal pictures popping up this week - it seems that many of our babies were born mid June - oh the memories that it brings back 😀 It seems like a whole lifetime ago and even that it happened to someone else, but no! It was me crouched on the ground welcoming a wet foal into my lap.

It's a bit bitter sweet though - looking at the foals that had so much promise for our breeding program which was trashed by my illness. Petra was our first filly - my plan was to keep her. She would have been a good mare but alas, she was sold along with Fiorgyn and Ulfrun… both beauties with laid back, steady temperaments. I have to remind myself that I got to live my dream, if only for a few years…

I deployed the new, matching chair cushion in the villetta and I'm pleased! Along with a little lamp, it seems homey and comfortable, a little oasis away from home. I always get that ‘peaceful easy feeling’ when we settle into our home on wheels 😀 

Awesome!

“gathering with Carm's family”

“getting the trees taken care of”

“a dunk in the pool”

“Mom’s doctor appointment with her oncologist”

“an afternoon with Carm”

“supper with Nissa!”

a stroll in the garden

It's a beautiful sunny day again, but cool for Friday June 13th. I'm still at Mom & Dad's but think they will be okay overnight so I'll start spending nights at home and come back in the mornings. I've been letting them do more and more things on their own and they seem to be managing better every day.

Yesterday I left them to fend for themselves to make a dash to Ikea! I got to check out the new sofa on Tuesday night at the camper and thought that the matching chair would be nice… out came the measuring tape - yikes! There is no way that it would fit. Luckily a search on the Ikea website revealed a matching seat cushion for the existing Ikea poang chair  😉 so off to Ikea I went! Can't wait to see how everything looks!

Later in the day, Dad and I went to his doctor for meningitis vaccines that the Ottawa Health Unit arranged for us to get. I had an appointment set up for mine in a town about an hour from here, but Dad's doctor offered to jab me which saved me a lot of driving around!

This morning Mom made it downstairs to make her own breakfast! After she was settled back upstairs in her lair, Dad and I went for a walk. There are beautiful paths near their house that meander through treed and open areas. It's a lovely walk - Dad does it at least once a day and often twice!

Mom was downstairs again for a late lunch and afternoon of TV. She even managed to walk around her garden for a short while, but then she was exhausted and slept for several more hours.

It's 8pm - I'm home, have had supper, and am just about to move clothes from the washer to the dryer. Next up, a nice hot bath! And then a long sleep in my own bed :-)

Awesome!

“Mom making her own breakfast”

“walk with Dad”

“getting a matching cushion! Excited to try it out!”

“getting my jab”

“long charging cable”

tally rally o

This lovely Wednesday morning, way way too early, just at the cracking of dawn, I got up to enjoy the sunrise over the lake. Yes! I made it to Kingston for 1 day of the rally 😀 . Mom is doing so much better so we figured that with Dad's help she could be left alone for a few hours until Kirsten could get here, so I drove to Kirsten's where I caught a ride with Nissa to Kingston!

I'd forgotten how much I enjoy this campground… after visiting with everyone, Carm and I went for a long walk through the park. Beautiful wooded areas, pretty campsites with flowers and a belvedere looking over the Cataraqi river were a welcome vista after days in a hospital and more days in the city. And we were blessed with an absolutely glorious day with sunshine and the perfect warmth.

Everyone at the rally had tickets to the theatre in Gananque so Carm and I did a bit of retail therapy. I should go shopping with him after being away all the time as he was the perfect shopping companion, carrying my purse and bags and bags of shopping as I gleaned the racks.

First stop was Mountain - I tried on a gorgeous fluffy sweater and put it on my ‘think about it’ list until I took it off and my black t-shirt was absolutely COVERED in pink lint - definitely a no go! It was an over the head type of sweater which isn't the best for me and my frequent hot flashes anyway so I wasn't too disappointed but gosh, it was so fluffy and soft.

At some other store I found a white gauzy dress that will be perfect next winter at the all-inclusive that we've booked for November. Did I mention that already? Olaf, Steph, Carm and I are booked into an all-inclusive in the Dominican Republic! I'm excited to try something new. Carm and I went all out and booked a swim up room which should be fun!

Then at Columbia I found another little dress that rolls up into a wrinkle free ball that will be cute in the summer and perfect for November with its tropical print  😀 . Carm got a shirt with a tropical motif as well. The last stop was a deek into Laura and Melanie Lyne where just as we were about to go out the door I spied some blingy jeans on sale. I'm a bit like a magpie as anything bling or shiny draws me like a moth to a flame. The jeans are cute and will be nice for slightly dressing up. I love them!

There were a few more stops after the outlet mall - Canadian Tire for a better mat for outside the camper door - we wanted something that would grab all the vegetation from our shoes before we tracked it into the camper. Luckily we found just what we were looking for at Canadian Tire. At the beer store I grabbed an orange cream spritz that I thought would be like the old bacardi coolers that we used to get years ago… alas… at the campfire last night I cracked it open and was not impressed - yuck!

We weren't back at the camper for long before we decided to drive across town to Raxx for their fish and chips special. It was good but it left me feeling slightly gross from all the frying. By the time we got back to camp, everyone was back from the theatre so we all gathered around a propane campfire for an evening of conversation and laughter. I wasn't sad to get back to the villetta for bed. I slept well until just before 5am, and now here I am… 6:15… a bit bleary headed but I can't seem to fall back to sleep.

Everything is covered in a fine green powder and when the wind gusts the air is thick with pollen from the pine trees. It's excessive and makes me especially grateful that I don't have an allergy!

Later today we'll pack up and haul the trailer to Kirsten's, get set up, then Carm will go home and I'll go back to Mom and Dad's for another few nights. I think they'll be mostly self-sufficient in a few days.

……

7:30 pm. I'm back with Mom and Dad after a busy day! After our first morning coffee we put on our shoes and went for a long walk then visited with people for a while before slowly starting to get ready to head out. We had an uneventful drive to Kirsten's and got all set up by 5:00 pm. Carm went home and I came back here. It was a great break but now my back is sore and spasmy… who knows why, perhaps too much tension. We are waiting for the nurse to come to do a few things and then it will be an early night to bed for me!

Awesome!

“conversations in the car with Nissa”

“seeing my honey”

“getting to Kingston”

“a walk around the park”

“new jeans”

home

Sunday June 8th

early AM… Yesterday, after a painfully long day waiting in limbo, Mom finally got her discharge papers at 6pm… She needed a few sign offs, the pivotal one being the clearance from physio. She came in around 11:30 am and got mom up and down a flight of stairs - she did great! After that the doctor came, and then we had to see him AGAIN later to get the final clearance.

A quick stop at the pharmacy and we pulled into the laneway. Dad was already outside ready to greet her. With a bit of steadying help, Mom made it into the house, checked out her back garden from the window then climbed up the stairs to her bedroom with just a bit of help from me. It was great to get her settled in comfortable real clothes - no more hospital gown! - and into her comfy bed.

By the time we got her settled, the home care nurse was here to set up her IV antibiotics which she'll need for a few more days before switching to oral antibiotics.

It was such a relief to get her home that I will admit to stepping outside her room for a few tears of relief! My stress level is pretty much back to normal 😀 And joy of joy's I was able to have a shower! And not being trapped in the room is heaven, plus I’m up and down stairs which is getting my blood flowing 😉 I'm so used to exercising that it feels weird to be so sedentary.  I started doing lunges, squats, and wall pushups the other day just so my muscles didn't atrophy from being in a recliner chair for so many hours!

It's also nice to have access to real food as I don't know how much longer I could stomach Tim Horton's food! I love(d) the breakfast egg & cheese on a biscuit but don't mind if it's a while before I have another one. I'm pretty sick of hamburgers (I had 3 between Saturday and Thursday), and if I never have another Tim's wraps (breakfast or otherwise) I won't be sad. Yesterday I had a scrambled egg bowl which I thought would be a healthier choice - NOT - it was some scrambled eggs served over 2 hash browns and doused with some sort of slightly spicy sauce… it was okay but I won't order it again, not because it wasn't healthy, but because I didn't like it enough, or if I need to in a pinch I would just ask for the sauce on the side, or maybe skipped all together..

We were ‘lucky’ to be in an isolation room for the whole week, even though they had taken down precautions a few days ago - the nurse left the sign up but we didn't have to wear PPE anymore - it's so much easier to sleep without a mask and rubber gloves! But the room was quiet as there was a double door and certainly felt isolated… and let's talk about THE chair for a moment! It was fantastic. It reclined fully (if I pulled it away from the wall enough which I was too stunned to do one night), and it had a handy swivel table which I could eat at, plus it nicely held my tablet. I was pretty comfortable!

Dad is pretty happy that Mom is home - it had been a long long week for him without her here, and we just couldn't manage getting him to the hospital - I think he wore a path down the driveway with his pacing. One day he walked over 8000 steps without going for a walk. I can only imagine how hard it was to be away from her… hopefully he can relax a bit now. I think it would have freaked him out even more if he had seen how sick she was…

The public health nurse was in touch and will set Kirsten, Dad, and me up to get a vaccine that will protect us against meningitis since we are giving home care. Hopefully I can hopefully get that set up with my doctor early this week.

Meanwhile, Carm is having fun at the rally, although he does admit to missing me… he said the novelty has worn off a bit without me there. We are so used to spending all our time together that the absence leaves a big gap. And Pat is still with the dogs :-) They love her so it's no hardship for them that we are gone!

—---------------

7:30 pm Well! My stress levels went through the roof not long after I typed up the above. I got a text from Pat that Lupa was sick! She had been outside, vomited, then lay limp in the grass. Pat had to carry her inside. We were both freaking out but I couldn't run home right away so Pat kept an eye on her and I called every 15 minutes to get an update. The great thing about technology, specifically FB messenger, is video chatting. I could see Lupa and her behaviour so together with Pat we could monitor to see if we'd have to take her to the emergency vet. After 30 minutes she was starting to be more alert and after a few hours she was fully back to herself. What the heck could have gone wrong? She's never been sick before. At one point early on she had no control of her bowels and was pooping where she lay. Very scary! It was a relief to see her on the back of the loveseat later in the day.

The nurse came by in the afternoon to get Mom's IV set up again - they'll be by daily until Tuesday. Apparently she has to keep the ‘pic line’ in for 2 weeks though so she won't be unstuck from tubing for a while yet!

Kirsten and Nissa have come and gone. They did a big grocery run for us so we are well provisioned for the next while. They also brought supper :-) A yummy Costco chicken with their dilly salad hit the spot. Real food! Hurrah!

A stream of neighbours were at the door today bringing beautiful flowers and well wishes - Mom and Dad live in a fantastic neighbourhood where they all keep an eye out for each other. Dad had lots of meals brought over to him, the lady across the street came over and weeded Mom's front garden, and the neighbors on the other side kept a special eye out for him all week.

Awesome!

“Mom home!”

“lilacs at Mom and Dad's”

“yogurt and fruit for supper - no more Tim’s”

“turning the corner”

“chicken and salad”

“sore glutes after a million stairs”

one more day

Friday June 6th - Yesterday was a big day for Carm - he decided to go to the rally in Kingston so armed with a to do list that I threw together by gleaning old lists, he spent the last few days preparing to leave with little help from me. I was glad that I had done so much last week and not procrastinated on things so there wasn't as much to do as there could have been. 

Kirsten came to spend the night here Wednesday night so that I'd be home for his departure to look over his shoulder as he got the trailer ready for the road and hitched up. I had a little cry when he pulled out of the laneway - I was so freaking worried - I’m pretty emotionally fragile these last few days - probably the lack of sleep catching up on me. Finally in the early afternoon I got a message that he'd arrived safely which of course made me cry with relief! Okay, I'm tearing now! But I should have had more confidence in him as he made the trip without issue and got himself all set up with no outside help - he even managed to get the satellite working, which is the most frustrating part!

I got back here around 1 yesterday after dropping food and half my closet at Mom and Dad's - I'm ready to spend a few days there… we are hoping that she gets to go home today, but I think they have to evaluate getting her up some stairs first. They'll come by around 11 to see how she does. That's the only obstacle to overcome when she gets home. We can manage everything else.

Yesterday she started eating a bit which has given her a tiny bit more energy. I've been channeling Carm's Italian mother: Eat eat! Mange mange! And I'm a bit bossy too  😉 She takes it in stride! She probably remembers from a few years ago how bossy I am! But she finished ½ a yogurt, 2 puddings, an apple juice, and half a cup of a pudding type thing called ‘magic cup’. That's more than she's eaten since Saturday - a good sign!

I never thought I would see the day, but I'm pretty sick of Tim Hortons breakfast sandwich! Yesterday I brought yogurt with fruit again as well as some cut up veggies to have for lunch today. Oh, and I made popcorn and several dates with chocolate and peanut butter - my favourite indulgence!

A few weeks ago I bought 2 pairs of jeans that are like track pants from liquidation (Costco returns) and have been living in them since Sunday - they are super comfortable, even for sleeping :-)

Pat is at home with the dogs and Grace which is a huge load off my back. Yay Pat!

5pm… we'll be here for another night. Mom's fever has come back a little bit so out of an abundance of caution (the doctors words!) they want to keep an eye on her overnight. Maybe tomorrow. In the meantime my nephew Erik has been conscripted to help get her up the stairs to her room when she does get home. She's incredibly weak so might need a fireman's carry! Ha ha, just joking, kind of.

I'm sure tonight I will get a better sleep as I'm pretty exhausted. I don't think being home would help anything though so I might as well stay here. It looks like they will let us keep the private room for another night with its awesome recliner chair - I think I'd cry if I had to sleep in a regular chair at this point!

Awesome!

“Carm getting there safely”

“Mom eating a bit more”

blue skies

Tuesday June 3rs - The last few days have had it's ups and downs… but today is definitely an up day. Yesterday morning Mom was in so much pain and was feeling so nauseous and miserable that it seemed like a major setback. I'll admit that I was freaking out internally but aside from a few private ‘moments’ kept it together.

It was a busy day with an MRI, lots of doctors popping in, blood being drawn, nurses in and out - a hospital is not somewhere to go and rest! Then there were lots of phone calls and messages with the public health unit and struggles to get in touch with Dad's doctor as he needed a prophylactic antibiotic. The office was not answering their phone so Kirsten popped in on her way here to light a fire under them… finally today after another phone message and an email, they let us know that they sent the prescription to their pharmacy. I was able to get it to dad before coming into the hospital this afternoon.

look at the ☀️ sun... So much smoke.

Kirsten held down the fort overnight - apparently the night nurse was a bit of a Nurse Krampet and made Kirsten wear not only a mask, but a face shield. Which is weird, as none of the doctors wear anything other than a mask to come in! I asked the infectious disease doctor about it this afternoon and he said that she shouldn't be contagious anymore so I guess it's just protocol? There’s an upside though - she's in a quiet private room with a comfortable sleeping chair! Today's nurse is efficient and kind. I hope that the same overnight nurse isn't here tonight - Kirsten had a rough night trying to sleep with the shield!

I have to remember to ask the nurse to clarify on the instructions that Mom is to get painkillers overnight as for some reason Nurse K, figured they were unnecessary 🙄 which left mom in a bad state this morning.

Anyway, after getting home last night and doing evening chores (the dogs were ecstatic when I got home), I soaked in the bath for ages then had one of my favourite effort-free comfort foods - pasta with a jar of tomato sauce in the instant pot. I just had to dump the jar, plus some water into the pot, stir in the dried pasta, then set the pot to cook for 4 minutes. Easy and oh, so comforting. I gobbled a giant bowl!

I'm back to the hospital for the night tonight, this time armed with some healthy snacks. Greek yogurt with fruit, sliced cucumber, dates with peanut butter and dark chocolate, and some roasted tofu. I did have my third hamburger since Saturday though! I picked up burgers and frostys for a quick lunch for Dad and I - I figured getting us both some realish food would not be a bad thing.

I sort of screwed up though as I didn't realize that Dad couldn't have any dairy products for 6 hours before and 2 hours after the special pill… so he's under strict orders to not eat anything other than crackers and peanut butter until 8pm!

Mom and Dad's neighbors have been lovely, sending Dad food and checking in on him. As Kirsten pointed out - everyone jumps to help the man, but if the roles were reversed, there wouldn't be as much help for the woman! I guess everyone assumes that men are helpless… and maybe some of them are. Luckily for me, Carm easily holds down the fort so I don't worry about him at all. (although I do anyway!)

I did another screw up the other day by posting my blog about what was going on. It seemed like some people had not been notified so they found out on my blog. I felt so stupid, especially as Mom had given the okay to post, but I didn't confirm with everyone else that they had notified everybody. What a terrible way to find something like this out.

Meanwhile, at home, Carm is holding down the fort! He's considering going to the rally on his own - it would be his first time driving and setting up the trailer by himself. Of course I'll worry like a maniac while he's on the road, but have complete confidence in his ability to take care of himself. We had already arranged for Pat to stay at the house to keep tabs on the plants outside (which is another topic), and Grace, but now she's agreed to care for the dogs as well. That will free me up to continue to care for mom.

Okay, back to the plants! We took them outside last week, oh, maybe the week before, when we had a few nice days, but unfortunately the weather turned back to cold and rainy so everything is struggling. We've lost some vegetable plants that Carm carefully planted in the garden, and those plants that are still alive do not look robust. I think the weather is going to transition to blazing hot in the next day or two which won't help them much either!

Typing with gloves on is a challenge, especially on my phone, but today I remembered to bring my tablet. It took a bit to get the hang of it, but now I'm typing like normal.

Awesome!

“Mom feeling a bit better today and luckily not in much pain”

“a summer day”

“Getting a parking space”

bedside manner

Sunday May 31st (I think) - It's 6am and I'm sitting here sweating in full PPE at mom's bedside at the hospital. She made a trip here in the ambulance at 3am Saturday morning… Carm and I were at Olaf's in Montreal sound asleep after a night of celebrating the trip we booked for next November… we had barely been asleep when the phone rang…

It was a nice paramedic letting me know about the dire situation… Mom was unresponsive and Dad was at home freaking out. We jumped out of bed and I ran upstairs to let Olaf and Steph the situation and got on the road.

Kirsten was the next to get woken up with a scary phone call - once the shock was over, she and Shawn headed to the hospital as well. Olaf and Steph were on the road not long after us.

We stopped to pick up Dad then got to the hospital just after everyone else. Mom was not in good shape - she was not even opening her eyes. We were all keeping it together… barely. The doctors suspected a blood infection and started bombarding her with every antibiotic known to man, as well as an antiviral to cover all the bases.

It was a long day but hour by hour she slowly improved. By supper time she was having conversations. She's still in a lot of pain with a headache and body aches but Mom is strong and is ever positive. They don't know for sure what the problem is but suspect meningitis.

We've taken turns staying with her and Dad. I stayed overnight… which sounds more awful than it was. They brought in a sleeping chair which was quite comfortable so I slept pretty well until 5:30, despite wearing an n95 mask, gloves, and a sweaty plastic gown.

Kirsten and Olaf are both great nurses and probably much less bossy than I am!

Going back in time we had a busy week! Tuesday we went to Ikea for a new sofa for the trailer. With some difficulty and several bruises we got it onboard but then the real challenge started. How the heck were we going to get the old one out! It weighs about a million pounds which made it nearly impossible for me to even lift one end… and that's after a few months of lifting weights!

Out came the tools so we could try taking it apart! Which was a challenge. The thing is made like a brick s house with a heavy metal frame. We got 2 bolts out then hit a road block. Nothing would budge. We took some time to make a plan then got to work in the morning. The pivotal (as it turns out) bolts were nearly impossible to get at so Carm put a grinder disk on the Dremel and basically cut through them - suddenly we had success! We got it broken down into 3 easily carried pieces and it was done!

It didn't take long to get the new one set up! It's much more comfortable than the old one… which was also peeling like crazy, shedding all its crappy ‘leather' (I use that term with some chagrin).

The rest of the week was spent getting the trailer ready for our upcoming trip! I'm trying not to load every last thing that we might need for the whole summer!

Friday night we went to Olaf and Steph's for the night and now we are full circle!

It seems that there is always some crisis! We planned on 2025 being an uneventful year after the last two!

It's now after 7pm and I am back at the bedside after being home for several hours. Carm and I raced around doing preparation for the rally in 5 days… I feel pretty much under control and am thankful that I made myself do so much last week. Carm drove me back here. I think he was just tempted by the burger for supper and not my (no so) sparkling personality!

Tomorrow he'll go to the last class of Zumba without me… I'm sure he's not averse to being fussed over by a bunch of lovely women!

The results of all the tests came back confirming bacterial meningitis… the doctors said that it was a textbook case and they are pleased with her progress. Public health has contacted us and will be keeping an eye. They will arrange for Dad to go on antibiotics and may have the rest of us vaccinated for it. She wasn't too concerned about the rest of us (fingers crossed!).

Awesome!

“everything and nothing!”

below normal

I know that I celebrated summer with my last post (was that actually a week ago?), however, after only a day or two, and only 1 day of swimming, summer ended and we are well into late October weather. We've been setting records - but not in a good way! Yesterday we were 11 degrees below normal temps. BOO HISS! Most of our plants have been hoisted outside (except a few that are less hardy), and are struggling in the cold rain. Carm has planted the garden and I’ve done most of the herbs when we could get out between raindrops. We need some heat units!

It's been a pretty quiet week with only a few outings. Yesterday we met up with Kirsten to meet the dog that she's fostering (and will maybe keep!). After we left her, we dropped into the greasy spoon restaurant that we used to frequent for ‘all day breakfast’, which is basically just 2 eggs, 3 slices of bacon, 2 pieces of regular sliced bread toast, and a tiny cup of average coffee - all for over $50!!!!! What the actual F! I'm still in shock.

We've been to the nursery a few times, so many herbs and vegetables! Carm planted tomatoes, zucchini, cucumber, and butternut squash in the lower garden, while the herbs, cherry tomatoes, etc. are all on the deck or patio.

Yesterday, we visited the pet store with Lupa to try out harnesses - I made a mess of the store as we tried every variation but in the end, nothing fit very well so we left disappointed. She's weirdly short in the body and shoulder… Maybe Lupa wasn't too upset though - she HATES her harnesses. Spike was the same which was the reason I retired him as a service dog, he loved coming to work with me but hated the uniform... 

We'll be at the Titanium rally in a few weeks so I'd hoped for something a little more comfortable for Lupa than what she currently wears. I want to be prepared for the chaos of being in a new place 😱 

On another more personal note, my moods seem to be leveling out with only minor blips. My energy levels are up - I'm getting lots done around the house. I'd spent months letting Carm pick up the slack so he was a bit surprised when I started getting things done myself. I just hope it lasts for at least a while…

I've been slowly going through my closet to sort out all the clothes that don't fit me anymore and have a giant bin overflowing already - I'll save them ‘just in case’ but gosh! That also means replenishing my wardrobe with things that fit - that's the fun part!

Carm got his 10th COVID vaccine today - I plan on waiting till the fall for mine.

We've been researching all inclusive resorts!

 

Awesome!

“increasing reps to 14”

“Cranberry cake made with rhubarb“

“lilacs blooming outside the living room window”

polar express

Hurrah! Today was my first swim of the year! I had to channel a polar bear to give me the courage to get in using the ladder but I managed to even dunk my head in the end. The water was a sparkling 66.5F/19.5C! I went in twice! The weather is meant to be raining tomorrow but I'm counting the days till the first outdoor shower after my morning workout - that will be absolute bliss 😊 

I'm enveloped in my favorite music while Carm and Pat watch Reacher… it's a bit too violent for me but they are sure to alert me to the shower scenes ;-)

Speaking of music, I tend to listen to the same stuff all the time while Carm gets tired of music quickly. For me a familiar song is like changing into my fluffiest pyjamas and curling up with a hot tea and buttered toast with honey - it really is that level of comfort.

Thank goodness for earphones! I love the earbuds that came with my phone. They have a noise reduction setting that blocks 99% of the sound. I only hear a faint mumble when Pat and Carm talk. He has to physically touch me to get my attention! 

Oh, so as you can guess with the swim, summer has blessed us for a few days. Sunday (Mother's Day) was gorgeous. We met up with Carm's siblings at the funeral home his parents are in and then went to Mom's for a visit. I was having a bad day and should have taken my emergency meds but for some stupid reason didn't think to 🤔 But it was a lovely day anyway.

Monday we danced and sweated the morning away at zumba. We scoped out the plant situation in the village and I browsed a local dress shop (I might have to go back someday not directly after zumba!) on our way home. The moment we arrived home there was a call from Trudie asking for some help. I won't get into details except to say that in the end everything worked out okay.

Tuesday the dogs had their jabs and then we took Trudie to the hospital to visit Leo - by the time we got home the day was done! It was another gorgeous day :-) Wednesday we got caught up around the house which left us time to clip Lupa on Thursday… and here we are! Time flashing by.

Carm skipped cutting the grass this morning so that we could hit up the nurseries before the long weekend, this time with money in hand… I got a few hanging plants and some herbs. Carm got some tomatoes, zucchini, and cucumbers! We aren't sure when we'll stick all this in the ground… Sunday night is forecast to be 4C which is too close to freezing to be comfortable!

Awesome!

“first swim!!!”

“pink flowers”

“did I mention first swim?”

driving miss Daisy

Spring is still teasing us with the occasional warm day interspersed with lots of cold days with and without rain. The ground is waterlogged in places… but the trees have thrown out leaves and some are starting flower buds - I figure we are a good week behind!

Has it really been almost 2 weeks since I last put my fingers to the keyboard? Time flies even when I'm dragging myself through life! I had several days of complete fatigue but slowly I've been getting my strength back… I figure it was the fallout of so many months of mood struggles, but every day has been better - both strength and most happily, mood! I've had several days in a row of feeling pretty much normal! Hurrah!!!

Last Friday I drove myself to Kirsten's to spend a few nights - we were signed up for a horse driving clinic! I almost turned the car around as I was so exhausted that day but I kept on driving… and I'm SO GLAD that I did! We had a fantastic time Saturday learning how to harness and then hitch. After that we got to ground drive the single horse that we were assigned to, and also a pair of huge percherons. The lines seemed to go every which way but I eventually figured out the steering…

They served us box lunches in a covered arena. It was good to be out of the wind… I froze all day even though I was wearing a t-shirt, sweatshirt, fleece jacket, all topped with a wind-breaker jacket! But it didn't ruin the day at all :-) I was however, very happy to get into a warm car at the end!

After lunch we got to drive! It was pretty cool and brought to mind my first time in the cart with Pat Wolfe, behind his two Fjord geldings - I was hooked on Fjords after being behind those lovely horse haunches!

Have you read anything by Ann Patchett? I checked ‘Truth and Beauty’ out of the library the other day and am enjoying it immensely… there are so many quotable passages that I find myself reading over and over, and sure enough, when I looked her up on GoodReads, there are hundreds gleaned from her many books. She reminds me a bit of Alice Munroe but much less depressing!

I'm hoping that she'll rub off on me a tiny bit!

Writing is a job, a talent, but it's also the place to go in your head. It is the imaginary friend you drink your tea with in the afternoon.

Ann Patchett, Truth & Beauty

Awesome!

“ground driving a massive team of percherons”

“driving an actual cart pulled by an actual horse!”

“going back to liquidation to find a second pair of the jeans that I bought last week and finding a pair”

“rose-breasted grosbeak at the feeder”

“Carm getting the garden dug and the pool open… although we are likely ages away from swimming”

water woes

It's 11am on Monday and I'm sitting on one of the black plastic (ugh! plastic), adirondack chairs on the back deck. I can't really see the screen with the sun glare but I'll revisit when I'm back inside. So yes!!!! It's sunny and warm. I'm still in my workout shorts and sports bra but I'm hot :-)  Maybe I'll get a tiny bit of sunburn or at the very least a huge dose of vitamin D!

A while later… hurrah! The tiniest haze of pink adorns my beluga white body and vitamin D is coursing through my sun starved cells. The tendrils of summer have pushed aside the dregs of the dreary winter for a few hours… 

We have been without running water since supper time on Saturday - take note of how often you turn on the tap or flush the toilet! Luckily we had some jugs of drinking water (which Carm refilled yesterday from a neighbour) and the pool for flushing. We put a big black bucket of water from the pool on the back deck for a sponge bath later today. We both have a doctor appointment this afternoon so have to somehow get cleaned up. If the pool water was 10 degrees warmer I'd jump in to rinse away a few days worth of living, but alas… it's only in the low 50s F. I am not that hardy! Or desperate!

The boss of the plumber workers dropped by this morning to assess the situation but the guys who do the actual work are on another big job today… our fingers are crossed that they'll have enough time to fit us in. The pressure switch is broken which he thought was due to the bladder in the tank twisting so that might need replacing as well. 

Yesterday we met up with Francine & Ken for supper at a local restaurant. The difficulty in doing dishes was a good excuse to go out! I ordered chicken parmesan, hoping that it would be like the veal parm that they made years and years ago. Alas, it was a poor facsimile although perhaps the simpler tomato sauce and lack of breading made it a bit healthier. HOWEVER! I was not looking for healthy! I wanted the cheesie, salty, fatty version of old! If I wanted healthier I would have ordered the salmon…

Who knows, maybe we'll eat there again tonight if the water situation isn't sorted today.

The lilac tree outside the window is looking a little more green today. I suspect that the heat today will hasten the greening of the fields. Maybe it will even dry up the ground a bit so that farmers can start to get into their fields.

I got Carm to take a few ‘after’ photos of me but he doesn't look at what's in the viewfinder so I have a light sprouting from my head and a bucket emerging from my side. He needs Olaf to give him a little course on looking and seeing! Also, they are at weird angles and since I'm not an experienced model, they all have me standing in really weird ways and none of them flattering…

Way later in the day… the plumbers were here and gone in a flash, leaving just as we had to dash out the door for our appointment. It was the switch so an easy (although expensive) fix. Yay for running water and hurrah for a hot bath!

Awesome!

“a sunburn”

“running water”

“finding 2 pairs of jeans my size at liquidation”

still raining or raining again

Here's a surprise… it's cloudy and raining. It seems like the air itself is grey and just by merely breathing it in, my cells themselves have become grey as well, sapping all energy and motivation! That's okay as I know it's temporary so I'll give myself some grace, letting myself off the hook for doing more than the basics today. 

I did force myself to walk this morning which mentally was good (although it left too much time for rumination)!

The days seem to be flying by! Was it actually only last Monday that I wrote - it seems like ages ago yet was only 5 days ago! I guess it was a semi-busy week with a haircut, zumba, Pat for supper one night and Trudie & Leo for supper last night. That was the extent of my cooking - the rest of the time I gleaned soup from the freezer or sat down to a giant salad. I've had caramelised onion lentils on my menu plan for weeks now but it's a lot of work so I keep shifting the day to make it. 

Yesterday I ‘met up’ with June over the internet for a long walk and chat. She is in Basel, Switzerland so it's fun to get together even virtually! After I collapsed on the sofa for 15 minutes, I got cleaned up and we did a spur of the moment trip into the city to pick up the cases of pomegranate juice that we ordered. Since the shopping centre was just up the road we took a quick trip into the Bay to see what was on clearance. It was sad walking around knowing that after its long history, it would be no more.

I've said (over and over) that the spring has been crappy and cold, yet, out the window to the west I can see the lilac tree that snugs up against the house has buds, and to the north, the tree that the bird feeder hangs from also has buds. The trees say “ ‘F’ you! We are going to grow! Nothing will stop us!”. And in fact it seems that nothing will stop the growth on the bird feeder tree. Half of that maple crashed to the ground a few years ago during an ice storm so Carm had to hack the rest of it down, leaving just a 8 foot ‘stump’, where the woodpeckers have made countless holes, further weakening it. Actually, it's pretty much dead. However, little green leaves are on the crown that grew last year.

I have to channel Nature's power!

Awesome!

“buds on the trees”

“Lupa snuggled up against me on a rainy afternoon”

“A&W burgers for a lazy supper”

“dark chocolate, dates, peanut butter”

cheerleading

Easter has come and gone and still the days are cold… This morning I took the dogs out and had to have the hood of my winter coat pulled over my head. The wind was brisk and chilly. The sun was out but I could see clouds to the west and south so knew the sun wouldn't shine much longer.

Yesterday we made the trek to Kirsten's for a lovely Easter lunch with some of the family. Kirsten made salmon asparagus quiches that were fantastic! I've never made a quiche before but I'm inspired to try… although maybe it can be Kirsten's special dish :-)

It was also Shenna's birthday yesterday so we also got to celebrate with her… 2 kinds of cake for her, and millions of chocolate eggs from the Easter bunny. Kirsten had strategically placed bowls of various kinds of chocolate eggs throughout the house… it seemed that anywhere I stood, a bowl was within arms reach… OR could it have been that I subconsciously made sure that there was one nearby at all times 😀 By the time I rolled into the car to go home I had a slight jittery sick feeling of having had too much sugar. But it was worth it! (and I'd do it again today!)

Last week was mostly quiet. I'm still trying to recover from my crash and it's taking a bit longer than I hoped. My energy has somewhat returned - I'm no longer staying in bed for most of the day, partially disabled with brain fog and fatigue, but it is still a struggle to get through my exercise, and did scale back a certain amount for a few days after I was able to start back up. All said, I wasn't sorry to take a break yesterday. I'm still a bit fragile emotionally so it doesn't take much to knock me back down but I'm like one of those punching bags from the 70s that pop back up with every punch, although a bit deflated!

It probably doesn't help that my sleep is still messed up - short nights are not good for my mental health. The quickest way to screw up my brain is to have a few sleepless nights and unfortunately I've been waking up with the sun and not falling back to sleep for weeks (months?). I don't have the energy to get out of bed so I end up ruminating which is not helpful AT ALL! I have to time my emergence from under the covers to be between hot flashes! Ugh!

Carm has been a big support through all of this with never a complaint when I can't get it together enough to make more than a salad or soup from the freezer for supper. We've eaten A LOT of soup! One of Carm's greatest traits is how easy it is to feed him - he loves soup and can eat it day in and day out. I've mostly been making a sort of bean minestrone without the pasta - I do all my prep in the early afternoon when I have the most energy and then later pile it all into the instant pot so it's ready for supper. I ALWAYS cut up way too many vegetables and sometimes have to cook them separately then add at the end. But it makes 8 huge servings so that's dinner for 4 nights! Not in a row! I'll label a few and pop them into the freezer for another time.

On Wednesday, Carm went with Pat to negotiate for a new car! We are excited for her 😀  There's nothing like that ‘new car smell’ (hmmm… I wonder which chemicals are being released…)

I just had a chuckle when I wrote down the entry in my awesome list about adding another rep. I am my own best cheerleader and can stoke myself up at the tiniest improvement! It took years of practice to get halfway good at it but it's worth the effort! 

Awesome!

“all the ice from the pool is melted”

“ducks in the pond”

“adding another rep! 10 now!”

we are tyred

It's sunny this morning but I can see dark clouds to the west so I guess it isn't going to last for much longer. We did have a little taste of spring on Sunday and Monday but unfortunately I didn’t really get outside to enjoy it.

I'm doing better but not great yet… I’ll be back to myself soon but have had to get through a few days of extreme fatigue and brain fog. I'd forgotten that a swing up is always followed by a crash down that is more physical than emotional. And yes, I guess I did have a swing up first… at least according to Carm… I had little alarm bells in my head last week when I felt I could do everything and anything but I chose to ignore them, hoping that it was just a normal mood state.

Alas… the crash this time was hard mentally but that's mostly passed and I'm left feeling like a damp rag with no energy or strength. My brain is foggy and it's difficult to string two thoughts together, but it's a neutral feeling without upset or anguish. It's almost as if I went through an extreme physical challenge and now I'm left just feeling drained. It's nearly impossible to push through… so I've spent a few days in bed just staring at the ceiling, too fatigued to do more than mindlessly scroll through FB, and even that is too much effort at times. It's almost like having a really bad flu without the congestion but instead of a virus to fight, I'm fighting myself. I have to remind myself that it won't last forever! Soon I'll be raring to go again!

Luckily there isn't too much going on this week! There was zumba yesterday but I stayed at the back of the room and shuffled my feet around, trying to look like I was having fun when all I wanted to do was grab my stuff and wait in the car… but I didn't want to draw attention to myself so I did my best which was pretty darn pathetic! Next class will be better! 😀 

Sunday night we were invited to Trudie & Leo's for supper but I sent Carm by himself and barely emerged from my warm cocoon the whole time he was gone.

Did I mention that we lost Adia for a while on Tuesday last week? It was the snowy day, so we were able to eventually find her tracks which we followed down the creek. This time of year the creek is not a sleepy, meandering waterway but is instead a roaring river that would wash her away to never be found again… luckily we picked up her footprints a bit further down the creek and then saw that she went over a low spot in the fence. Onto the road. Carm went one way and I went the other. Finally, after over 30 minutes of looking and calling I saw her way way way across the field on the other side of the road - a busy, high speed road 😱 . Luckily she was able to hear me and came running. 

Nothing like a bit of adrenaline to start the day!

A sure sign of spring today! We changed the tires from winters to summers :-)  Hopefully that doesn't summon the winter gods back! I say ‘we’ when really it's Carm doing the heavy work. I just stand around looking beautiful and handing him the correct tools - merely decorative and not that useful! But I am a second set of eyes to make sure all the lugs get tightened!

Awesome!

“snow gone again”

“icicles in the pool - we are finally starting to see the giant ice block melt”

“little bursts of sunshine”

I can see clearly now... mostly

It's mid day on Saturday and the snow is mostly gone… AGAIN! Last Tuesday we had over 15cm of snow fall which created a white blanket over everything… ugh… yuck… and boo hiss! But it was pretty and I knew in my head that it was only temporary and would hopefully be gone in a few days… and it was. But it's grey and damp out today, not motivating at all. (update - the sun came out around 4:30).

Well, it became clear on Thursday that the tamoxifen is not going to work for me… I tried wishful thinking and focusing on the positive but it was becoming harder and harder to fight off the thoughts in my head and finally after a bad day on Wednesday and a horrible morning on Thursday the decision to stop it was obvious. It’s been a bit like a rollercoaster - sometimes I'm good and almost hypomanic and then I'll have periods of anxiety and panic, but worst of all, thoughts of ending it all were lodging themselves in my head for longer and longer periods.

I thought I could push through it all, but on Thursday morning the thoughts were so strongly in my head I shut myself in the bedroom trying to escape from myself… I was supposed to drive into the city to spend the night at my parents with Kirsten and Shenna, but honestly, at that point I was pretty sure it would be unsafe for me to drive… 

Thankfully, Carm came in to check on me and didn't leave right away when I told him I was fine. This is the thing - when I'm in that state it is almost impossible to talk or ask for help. I just want to be left alone and withdraw… but that's not the right answer and luckily, for once, I was able to reach out. I don't know how long he stayed beside me but eventually his warmth and presence calmed me until I was able to drag myself away from the precipice and carry on with my day… I'll have to say that it was a bit of an epiphany for me - I tend to internalize my feelings and withdraw, but having that physical and emotional comfort helped more than I ever imagined.  (note to self: remember this; note to Carm: remember this!).

I haven't been as distraught for years. In fact, I went years without thinking about suicide at all, but for the last few months it’s been sneaking into my thoughts more and more often… usually just flitting but sometimes settling in for longer. It was clear to me on Thursday that I couldn't continue with the tamoxifen - it just isn't worth it. Maybe it's too risky.

I'm not telling you all of this to get sympathy or special treatment! In fact I would be devastated if I thought people treated me differently or felt that they had to walk on eggshells around me. I'm generally not very sensitive at all so don't worry! It's my problem to deal with. 

It's nearly impossible to talk about when I'm in the middle of things, and later it's hard to put into words, plus I try to move on and put it behind me. Today I'm taking a closer look back to see what else I could do to mitigate. All my normal activities were not enough - how can I make sure to never get to that place again. Also, putting things into words and sharing through writing is incredibly therapeutic for me. I think that by writing it down, I analyze and try to phrase things in a way that makes sense - it's almost like what I'd do with my old psychiatrist. 

That all happened on Thursday morning… once I started to feel a bit better I forced myself to get up and get cooking. I was determined that I'd still go to Mom and Dad's - I wanted to get a chance to see Shenna before she left for her next rotation. By 3pm I was calm enough to make the drive and I was so glad that I did. Not only were Kirsten and Shenna there, my other niece, Juliette, was there lighting up the room with her beautiful smile.

Friday we mooched around all morning, enjoying each other's company and then I came home to my honey and a couple of wild dogs. Grace gave me a friendly whistle. 

Today I'm okay although not yet awesome - maybe in another day or two. I managed to do my exercise with only a moderate amount of internal encouragement and feel good about that! Actually I will credit exercise with keeping me as level as I have been these last months. Feeling physically stronger is awesome - I get an incredible boost with seeing a new muscle or adding an extra weight or rep! Even when it's hard, I have the satisfaction of knowing that I've done something good for myself.

Awesome!

“being here”

got the all clear

Yesterday afternoon we gathered with ‘old’ coworkers for lunch. For years we would all trapse downstairs in our office tower to chat over a coffee in the morning, or sometimes we'd travel as a group to a favorite restaurant for lunch (Thai and Chinese were our favorites). It was a great time to catch up on what was happening work wise, but also a time to create bonds that have lasted decades. I worked with some great people!

I worked with Deirdre on and off over the years but we were friends beyond work… horses were our common bond. In 1995 (oh gosh! is that actually 30 years ago - I had to get out my calculator cause I didn’t trust my math - it seems impossible!)... anyway, 30 years ago we each leased a horse at a run-down stable with a tiny indoor arena. We'd hack out down the roads that used to be sleepy country roads (they are now high speed throughways…). It was a great time that started me on my quest for my first Fjord horse. Then in 1996 we went on a cattle drive in Alberta. It was perhaps the most awesome 5 days of my life. I got to live, if only for a short period of time, my dream of riding through the prairie landscape.

Jo Ellen and Chris were part of the team that ran the databases for the government department that we worked for. Jo Ellen was a great leader whose support meant so much to me during and after the major depression that triggered me into full blown bipolar. She was a big supporter of Spike. Chris was a friend through almost my entire working career as he started just a few years after me. There were others on the team but my friendship with Jo Ellen and Chris has endured beyond our working years.

I kept it simple for lunch, just a hearty bean soup and freshly made focaccia. Oh, and the rest of the cranberry cake that I had made to take to my overnight visit to Mom & Dad's on Thursday night.

So backtracking one day to Saturday, we met up with Carm's old co-workers and their spouses for supper at a restaurant in town. It was old home week! Saturday was a whirlwind day with lots of cooking including a bit of a rush to get some cooking done for Sunday. Soup is always a bit better the second day so I made it ahead of time - also it made for a more leisurely Sunday morning for me. Thanks to Carm taking over the house cleaning, I was able to fit in my routine and still didn't have to rush around - thanks honey!

The day started off grey, but by the time our guests arrived the sun was shining. 😀 

Thursday, Carm dropped me off at my parents after a quick (and expensive) shop at Costco. Kirsten and Shenna were also there for the night so we had a great time catching up. We even had time to go through a few boxes of dolls that Mom unearthed from her basement… neither Kirsten and I were keen on dolls as children so it wasn't a nostalgic journey into the past. But we did find the Colonel Custer that we got for Christmas in the early 1970s. The horses and chuckwagon that came with him must be around somewhere! Those are the toys that hold fond memories! Kirsten and I were animal crazy straight out of the womb… 

Wednesday we clipped Lupa… she needs a haircut every 65-70 days as she gets pretty scruffy, especially in her face. She was reasonably good, thanks to Carm's steadying hand, but of course got the zoomies right after from the joy of being freed from the grooming table!

On Monday's we have Zumba (that's today too!) - last week I started to feel that I wasn't going to trip on my own feet but there were still times when I basically jogged in place because my feet could not fly like our instructors! Today was not much better… I was distracted and a bit stressed as I was going for a mammogram and ultrasound right after the class… several weeks ago I thought I felt something in my other breast, but luckily they didn't find anything. I'd managed to not think about it too much over the weeks, but it was on my mind this morning and I had trouble not awfulizing… the fear was real… gulp! But YAY - I got the all clear! The radiologist looked at the results while I was still at the hospital - I was grateful to not have to wait days or weeks to hear anything.

The experiment with tamoxifen has been somewhat successful, at least I think it has. I started taking it in the morning as soon as I got up, instead of bedtime… the mid afternoon mood crash was a bit improved although that might be wishful thinking… it did trigger many hot flashes through my exercise which is disruptive and unpleasant, so I've tried taking it afterwards which was maybe better. Will try for another week before I make a conclusion.

Mood wise, I've been pretty good in the morning and into the afternoon but still have a bit of a crash some afternoons… but I've really restricted social media and it is helping. There are a few email newsletters that I read in the morning which are informative but not too hyperbolic…

Spring is being stubborn… we had snow and freezing rain last week on Tuesday… more is forecast for this Tuesday… it feels like winter will never end…

Awesome!

“friends around the table”

“a sunny day today”

“getting a clear result without having to wait”

“new pants! (but the medium yoga pants are going back - they are like sausage casings for my legs!)”

burnin

So far it seems that we've dodged a huge freezing rain bullet, although it's just past noon and the rain is still lightly falling. The trees have slowly become glazed and I can see the branches drooping under the weight. Luckily it's about 2C warmer than they forecast so the rain is not getting as much chance to freeze before it hits the ground - good for the trees, but just as bad for the roads! This year's ice storm is a bit early - they are often in April - so I hope it's not a two-fer this year!

My new favorite singer is Jelly Roll - have you listened to him at all? ‘Burnin’ came on while I was on the treadmill this morning so I took the time to think about what it is I like about his music… First there's the lyrics that seem to be saying my words, singing my struggles - you can hear the pain in his voice, but there's also strength and hope in the notes behind him. The hard beat drives my steps forward - there's no giving up! The melody raises my spirits and reminds me that while I've had some hard times, the good times far outweigh any struggle, and that perhaps the struggle is what makes everything else so wonderful.

I'm doing an experiment with the tamoxifen… the last two days I've tried taking it in the morning, but it's too soon to tell if the time change will help. Both yesterday and today I had a hard time pushing through exercise - yesterday I couldn't even manage anything other than a slowish walk on the treadmill - weights were out of the question. This morning I did my regular routine but gosh, it was hard. Really hard. And I can still feel it a few hours later - that is not my norm. I had to slow down and decrease incline on the treadmill at times today as my strength seemed to drain out of me a few times, but I kept on and DID IT!

I'm pretty good at pushing through hard things, probably with all the practice with my mental health, but I can honestly say that it is much easier to press myself physically than it is mentally. For the physical I have a strong feeling of ‘try’, while when I'm having mood issues the ‘try’ is what is missing or if not missing, only faintly there. Actually, maybe it's only rarely missing, and usually there, even if faint.

I just saw the mallards in the pond while I was making tea. There's been a pair that visits for a few days every year since I can remember. I spend ages watching out that window in the kitchen - it's a wonder that I haven't sliced a finger off when using the cutting board! It overlooks the bird feeder which is a hub of activity. Lately the goldfinches have been there in huge flocks - they are starting to turn back to their brilliant yellow. The early red-wing blackbirds visit as well - their red & yellow epaulets are slowly becoming more vivid.

Behind the bird feeder and about 20 feet downhill is the pond. We've seen kingfishers, great grey herons, owls, turkey vultures, otters, beavers (one built a lodge for a few months), racoons, and of course squirrels and chippies. Oh and a few foxes, coyotes and of course deer! That window is tied for my favorite place in the house. My favorite is my bathtub - it's got huge windows on two sides, and a mirror on the third side that reflects what is out the other window. I can often see birds hopping around in the trees.  I wonder how many ‘joy points’ these windows have given me over the years!

Thursday we celebrated Carm's birthday with some friends over dinner. Trudie, Leo, Pat, Marie, and Liston gathered around the table with us for an evening of laughter and reminiscing. Trudie & Leo have decided to put their farm up for sale and move into a retirement community - it is a big change for them and certainly the end of an era. Last night we had a last minute dinner at their place which is just 1km down the road - those easy dinners will come to an end…

Awesome!

“friends around the table”

“music”

“the best night sleep in weeks”

sugar in the air

I'm going to start this post like I did the last one, but it's the opposite so good! Well, that didn't last long… I was back to normal for part of yesterday but awful for the other part… this morning I'm great with only tendrils of anxiety and dark thoughts, although not tons of motivation. So I guess I'll just have to hang on for the ride and keep reminding myself that nothing is forever! Or in other words ‘Carry on as if I were Normal!” ha ha ha!

I can do this!

Today there is a haze of sugar in the air as so often happens on March 27th! I made Carm's burnt sugar cake yesterday and just now finished with the fudge icing. We'll be on a good sugar high tonight! Friends are coming for supper to help Carm celebrate the flipping of the calendar to a new and bigger year.  I cheated a bit with supper though with pre-made lasagne as the main. I'm making some ribs (Italian style) and a broccoli salad to round things out. Easy peasy! 

Later in the afternoon… hang on and fake it till you make it! I have to remember that it's just my brain playing tricks on me - ignore and smile!

Awesome!

“a good morning!”

“licking the beaters - oh that sugar!”

“a sunny morning - always uplifting”

“dogs asleep in the sunspot that they love so much”

“the right song playing just as my energy is flagging”

while it lasted

Well, that didn't last long… from about 2pm on Sunday to 2pm on Monday I felt great… One day of ‘normal’ and now I'm back deep into anxiety about everything… I'm always an optimist or pessimist, depending on which way on the pendulum my mood swings - if I'm depressed, it will never end… also, if I'm on the upside, I think that it will never end… hurray and alas for being wrong…

For the last several months I've been so wrapped up in fatigue and teetering on the edge of depression, that I've not been there for people, both friends and family. So many people I care about are having their own issues, but I can't seem to get myself together to help out where I could. I don't know how to get past this stagnation and its accompanying spiral of guilt. 

Then there's the piles of stuff around the house that need addressing, but I look at them and feel defeated and wonder if this will be my life for the next 4 ½ years... 

But I had one day! Surely there will be more…

Somehow though, I'm able to exercise and eat reasonably well most days, so not all is lost! I can't seem to heal my brain but gosh darn! I'm not going to give up on my body as well! 😱  I guess it's one thing that I seem able to control so my efforts go there, leaving not much left for anything else…

A quick dash into the google rabbit hole suggests that tamoxifen has shown promise in diminishing bipolar mania, but it can also trigger bipolar depression. So there's always that 😞 … I'll just make up my mind to get through it… will the power of positive thinking be enough?

ENOUGH WHINING!

Zumba was great yesterday (it was in the morning before the crash). I was starting to know where my feet should be based on the beat of the music. Oh sure, some of the steps were too fast for me so I just jogged in place, but I got some! It energized me so I got onto the treadmill for a leisurely walk when we got home - part way through is when I nosedived…

The owl was back again! This time I got a blurry photo - I really had to zoom in as it was all the way past the barn. We've still got some snow on the ground, but I'd estimate that 90% of the field has melted. It was a slow and orderly melt this year - the creek flooded as usual but the waters went down quickly once the river's ice jam had released. The last few days have been grey with spatters of snow and rain… and the upcoming week looks like more of the same with little sun…

Awesome!

“24 hours of feeling like my own self!”

myself again

Today is the first day since I've been fully back on tamoxifen that I've felt like myself. I'm not dragging myself around in a haze and still have some energy even after walking an extra 50 minutes on top of the hour that I had done in the morning. My head is still a bit foggy but I suspect that will never go away - hopefully it will improve some more as I often don't feel very alert to what is going on around me. It’s a bit discouraging as I was so happy to get some of my brain back after I stopped lithium 2 years ago - alas, it's even worse…

Friday night we had some last minute guests. Olaf & Steph came after work on Friday for a short visit - they were gone by 10:30 the next morning. It was fun to see them… although I was in bed 2 hours before everyone else!

On Friday I got busy with a bit of cooking and had two failures and one near failure :-( First I burnt the chickpeas to a blackened crisp. Dooh. Then I made scarpaccia from zucchini that we'd pre prepped and frozen last summer… It was on the verge of turning black when I took it out of the oven. We were able to rescue some of it but it didn't turn out like it normally does. Then the focaccia! That can't burn! It's too much darn work to get it to that point (as was the scarpaccia but let's not go there!)... so I set the timer for 16 minutes instead of the 19 that it normally takes. It came out on the dark side of perfect at the reduced time! If I had gone by the normal time it would have burned!

What the actual heck! I burned things in two different ovens… but, both the scarpaccia and the focaccia were in the big oven. My theory is that the garlic oil that I used had more suspended particles that were maybe more prone to burning… I guess I'll have to run a few experiments (but even though I feel better today than I have for a while, I do not have the energy to futz around with the oven…)

This morning Carm took the dogs out like normal and as I was fixing their breakfast in the kitchen I happened to look out the window and there on the fence down by the barn was a giant owl! I grabbed the binocs and watched it for ages. The dogs were sniffing around but it didn't fly away until Carm wandered down - he didn't see it until it flew away! There are so many squirrels and mice around that it could feast for days. 

Awesome!

“a quiet night in”

“feasting on finger food”

“the owl!”

“flocks and flocks of geese overhead”

“my amazing sketchers that I wear on the treadmill everyday! Still going strong after over a 1000 km!”

past the ides of march

 Spring arrived officially today at 5:01am! The robins showed up today as if on cue - I saw several rooting around in the brown grass outside the treadmill window. The geese have been arriving for several days, as have the odd red-wing blackbird. The birdsong has several new voices creating a cacophony of discordant music. But oh what a sound! It's gotta be on my top 20 favorites 😉 

I've been fully on a half dose of tamoxifen for over a week now and as I expected, I had a few rough days of insane fatigue and nausea when I increased from ¼ to ½. But the last few days have been a bit better so hopefully the trend will continue - it's been 3 days now that I've started back into my workout routine but gosh, I’m having to push myself through the fatigue... In the meantime, my temperature regulator has been going haywire - I'm grateful for any break from dripping with sweat or being chilled to the bone - I will never take having a ‘normal’ temperature for granted again!

The temps have been unseasonably warm so yesterday Carm and I ventured out for a long walk along the quiet part of our country road. It was spectacular! We are debating on whether to bring the dogs next time… we don't ever walk them off the property as I figure it's less likely that they will take themselves out for a solo walk, but maybe I'm being over cautious. They would certainly enjoy the outing 😀 

This morning I ventured into town with Carm on his trip to Costco and had him drop me off to see Mom & Dad. It had been ages so it was nice to spend some time with them. It's been a long winter for all of us I think!

Zumba has been cancelled two weeks in a row but should resume again next Monday - we'll see if the break made me more agile on my feet - I highly doubt it! In the evenings I distract myself with FB reels - sometimes the algorithm brings me lots of exercise videos which are very motivating. I've saved dozens of dance/zumba reels but never seem to remember to try practicing with one or two of them. I feel that if I were to practice moving my feet more, I might improve… ha ha ha. Sometimes I think it's a miracle that I can even walk without tripping!

I've droned on and on this last year about diet and exercise - it's almost an obsession… but anyway, I log my food into an app that calculates not only calories and macros, but also micros (vitamins and minerals). It's a challenge to meet everything in the calorie deficit that I've been keeping and no matter what I did, I could not lose weight but was gaining, even on 1200 calories a day. That sucked! And I was hungry all the time… So I delved deeper into the internet to get some ideas on what I was doing wrong.

It seems that I was not eating enough calories and that they were the wrong kind. I rarely hit my protein goal, well actually, I didn't pay much attention to it. So after reading a ton of stuff, I started adding my exercise to the app and ADDING the extra calories I burned in the form of protein and wouldn't you know! My weight has been stable for a few weeks (I actually lost 5 pounds when I started) even though I'm eating a ton more calories. I'm HOPING that I've been gaining muscle, but my fancy scale doesn't seem to think I have. I'm not worrying about it at the moment, especially since I started back on the tamoxifen which does cause weight gain… I know I seem hung up on the numbers on the scale, but it's the easiest metric to gauge my progress.

AND GOSH DARN IT - I've worked so hard to get to this point I don't want to backslide! I like the way I look in the mirror 😉 It thrills me to see a new muscle pop out! 💪 

We had a little earthquake here yesterday! It sounded and felt like a giant truck driving by but it went on and on and rattled things that wouldn't be rattled by a truck. I found a website that showed a chart of tremors and sure enough, it wasn't our imagination.

I think the restart of the tamoxifen played havoc with my mood and anxiety as I was on the verge of a full blown panic attack 80% of the time, on top of everything else… that has calmed down somewhat the last few days. Plus I've been better at staying off of social media which is a cesspool of anxiety causing conversations. I keep up to date by reading a few daily emails from trusted sources and mostly stay away from everything else. I'm not perfect though and sometimes end up down a rabbit hole into a quagmire of manure.

An old song came on my playlist this afternoon which seemed apropos given the current state of global affairs... 'Eve of Destruction' by Barry Maguire is an oldy from the sixties when fears of nuclear war was in the backs of everyone's mind...

Don't you understand what I'm trying to say
Can't you feel the fears I'm feeling today?
If the button is pushed, there's no runnin' away
There'll be no one to save with the world in a grave
Take a look around you boy, it's bound to scare you, boy

And you tell me
Over and over and over again, my friend
How you don't believe
We're on the eve of destruction

Yeah, my blood's so mad, feels like coagulatin'
I'm sittin' here just contemplatin'
I can't twist the truth, it knows no regulation
Handful of senators don't pass legislation
And marches alone can't bring integration
When human respect is disintegratin'
This whole crazy world is just too frustratin'

And you tell me
Over and over and over again, my friend
How you don't believe
We're on the eve of destruction

I'm writing this in 'Blogger' as my old method no longer works but unfortunately the numbers and extra characters don't work... very frustrating and annoying. Not even an exclamation mark... and there's no formatting like indent. Boo hiss.

Awesome!

“first long walk of the year”

“robins! red-winged blackbirds! geese!”

“tofu crumbles”

“snow melting”