done and dusted

 This afternoon is finally my last treatment so I'll be home free from appointments for 6 months or so… It's funny, but today I am having more mental trouble with the whole experience than anytime so far. It's like I've gotten through it (almost! just 2 more hours to go) so now I am out of doing mode and am now just reacting…

I get to ring the bell today but I'm not sure if I will - I feel like it's been so easy compared to other people that it just seems weird to celebrate - like what am I celebrating? But then I have to remember that it could have gone so much worse which is certainly something worth celebrating!

The hot weather broke a few days ago leaving us with sunshine and cooler temperatures - nice for running around to appointments and shopping, and with appointments these last few days, I'm not spending time outside anyway. And now we are getting heavy rainfall warnings for tomorrow night.

It has been a bit of a relief to not be fasting, so yesterday we treated ourselves to Wendy's frostys after my treatment - it seemed much kinder to my soul than gnawing on a cucumber… speaking of cucumbers, our plants, which were inundating us with the juicy vegetables, have petered out :-( The zucchini has slowed down too 😞 It's only the beginning of August! Hopefully the bit of cooler weather will get the plants flowering again otherwise, a disappointing harvest.

later on in the evening…

Well, it's done and dusted! Mom & Dad showed up as a surprise and so with them and Carm (who was choked up) cheering me on, I did ring it once or twice :-) I will admit to feeling a bit choked up myself and nearly broke down crying - it's like a huge stress was removed. And maybe there was a bit of reality of what could have been (and if I'm honest, what still could be). It's left me feeling deflated and exhausted, mentally, more than physically. 

Today's treatment was a super dose targeting the surgical site - it went on and on and on… they reminded me that the burn will start to get bad in the next two weeks so I'm not out of the woods yet, but maybe it won't be too bad.

So now summer can start!

Awesome!

“it's over!”

“Mom & Dad showing up at the hospital”

stop the presses

 I've spent hours and hours over the last 2 weeks reading about fasting and cancer - everything that I'd read up to today summarised that it can't hurt and may help… well, today I did an even deeper dive using terms I learned in a video I watched this morning which was pro-fasting - I was gung ho as the videos I watched were very encouraging, but unfortunately my research has muddied the water… it is possible, in some types of cancer, that fasting makes things worse. Which is obviously the opposite effect that I was looking for. 

Of course there's the question of who to believe and which research is the best, but if there is a chance of harm, I won't go that way. Maybe I was just looking for an excuse to get out of doing hard things…

So it's back to just a plant-based diet which is recommended by many cancer centres and research. There is no conflicting research showing that it might harm… so, my 3 day fast has been shelved and instead I will focus on getting optimum nutrition. I feel a bit discouraged about the whole thing - I thought that it was something that I could DO to help myself but now I'm left feeling that I have no control and that it is up to the fates. I don't like that! It is not just a matter of the power of my mind and willpower which leaves me feeling powerless.

On Friday I met with a radiation oncologist and I tried to discuss what I'd read but he didn't know anything about it so it was a wasted conversation which left me feeling a bit frustrated. I did mention that I'd lost weight which he said was a good thing as people who lose weight before or after treatment have better outcomes… I guess I'll hold that as something in my control.

All that aside, I'm doing well. I have two more appointments this week and then it will just be recovery. Dr. Cross handed me a prescription for a hydrocortisone cream which he felt I will probably need in a few weeks - I guess the burn on my skin will worsen over the next 2 weeks - for now it's only slightly pink. I've been slathering CeraVe cream every chance I get!

My life is not all cancer treatment though (although it feels like it at the moment), Saturday we had visitors! Kirsten & Nissa came late afternoon and then Olaf & Stephanie arrived around 7pm so we had a standing supper around the island before Kirsten departed, leaving O&S for the night. We had a great visit and it was a lovely distraction from life…

Sunday, after Olaf & Steph left, Carm and I headed into the city to water Mom's plants. I was exhausted but since we had made the drive we went for a bit of retail therapy 😀 Carm got new golf shoes and I scored a bunch of summer tops in smaller sizes! Lots of sales!

The hot weather broke today - it was cold and rainy, perfect for curling up with the dog and reading! Oh, and we took a bit of time to slice and squeeze some zucchini to make bags for the freezer ready to be mixed into scarpaccia. 

Awesome!

“visitors”

“a bit of sun casting a golden glow over the early evening landscape”

at the halfway point

 I'm halfway through radiation! It's been going well - treatments are easy and the breath holding has not been a problem. I've started to get some redness on the skin but not too much at this point, more like a mild sunburn.

So far I've been keeping up with the FMD (fasting mimicking diet) although it's been hard to keep my resolve at times. I just have to get through today and part of tomorrow and then I'll eat regularly until bedtime on Sunday when I'll start the same regime. It would be great to know if it's working but there's no way to know… it's days like this that I would reach for something comforting and maybe sweet but instead I'm just having vegetables and olives… in some ways I wish I hadn't read about it as I could really use the boost of an icecream cone on the way home! It’s hard being bloody-minded!

Over the last few weeks I've read countless meta analysis studies about fasting and cancer treatment - there is nothing definitive at this point as most research has been done on mice and dogs with only a few small studies done with people, but what every paper does conclude is that there might be benefits, there is no harm, and it needs to be studied more. I guess I'll take a chance that it will help!

I'm dreaming of the pasta supper I have planned for tomorrow night…

What I have learned by trying to follow the FMD, is that there is protein in everything - I'm supposed to stay at 9% but that is nearly impossible even with just eating vegetables. And it's got a fairly high fat percentage which is also difficult to plan - I can see why people just buy the pre-formulated food packages… 

I don't generally spend much time thinking about cancer, but when I'm lying on the slab, with the machine aiming its rays at me, it hits me a bit. I suppose that's the only time when it seems real. I'm not sure what Carm is thinking while he's waiting for me, maybe it's real for him then too.

It was another scorcher today - with the humidex we hit the high 30s - nice for going into the pool but not so nice for Carm cutting the grass! He still does it with a push mower so he gets a full body workout, and in this heat it's tough. I think it's all made worth it though when he jumps into the pool ;-)  (speaking of which, I might have to take a break from my tablet and jump in myself - not sure if it's the heat or another infernal hot flash but I'm boiling!).

I could have a nap right now (4:30 pm, home for almost an hour)...

Awesome!

“half way through”

“hot summer days”

“finding parking on Lynda Lane”