battening down for winter

Time has a way of getting away from me, somehow slipping away without leaving a mark. I started writing this post several days ago but keep forgetting to get back to it… 

I'll do a bit of time travel and am sure to mess up the tense as I update what I wrote a week ago!

The Thursday before last, (October 16th) we went to the villetta for a few nights - a last hurrah before bringing the beast home. We eeked out every last minute of enjoyment and then Saturday morning we were up and at'em after a quick coffee. It didn't take long to get travel ready… well, not long considering we'd been parked for 4 months and had settled in comfortably. A few pictures came down off the walls in the bedroom, the baskets were hoisted down from above the high cupboards, carpets were vacuumed and rolled up. Odds and ends were secured.

It was an easy hitch and we were on our way after a teary good-bye. It will be over 7 months before we return. It's a long time to wait, but I also know that the time will fly by and we'll be driving into our spot before we know it.

We got home with no trouble, got backed into the laneway after a few high emotion tries, and we were home. The weather was good so I got right to it, initially thinking I'd just empty the fridge, but as these sorts of things go, once inertia is overcome the job flies. By mid afternoon the camper had been emptied of everything that can freeze, including all the food, and various odds and ends. Carm carried loads of stuff into the basement - we've gotten a lot more organized over the years and what used to take a few days is now compressed into a few hours. For years, the dining room table would be covered with 'stuff' to be distributed around the house, but now, dedicated bins and duplicates of everything that doesn't freeze makes it a breeze with no giant mess.

While I finished up inside, Carm got the pink anti-freeze ready to run through the water system. And then it was done!

Sunday was another beautiful day in the high 20s, so we got busy and planted the garlic. While Carm worked at that, I deeked away to wash and wax the hardwood in the camper. Two jobs done! There are just odds and ends left in the trailer - easily taken care of over the next few days. So that leaves us mostly ready for our trip in 10 6 days!

But surely we've done more than that! I've made a few trips into the city to visit Mom & Dad, we've run errands, I've walked on the treadmill but have been too lazy to do weights. We've had covid and flu vaccines. It's taken me over a week to recover from the busyness of the previous few weeks - I don't have the stamina for long periods of activity. It's always been that way for me but it's worse since I started all my bipolar medications. It's great when I'm a bit hypomanic, unfortunately I can't call that up when needed!

This past Saturday we had lunch with Jo Ellen and Don. They treated us to a Greek lunch at their place which was lovely :-) 

The spare bedroom looks like a tsunami of clothes crashed upon the bed and desk. So many pairs of shoes are heaped on the floor. How many bathing suits should I pack? Is 4 pairs of shorts too many? I've got my dinner clothes all sorted out along with their accoutrements (those shoes again!) - that was the easy part. 

A throng of suitcases have been brought upstairs, most empty except for the giant one that contains our dedicated travel paraphernalia. The idea of sorting through all that stuff has me paralysed on the sofa. Most of my clothes are ready to be folded and tucked into bags. Carm is easy - I have historically packed his things and will continue to do so. I've been mostly successful but did forget proper socks one trip which resulted in him getting a bad blister - I'll do better this time! (update: I packed a few extra pairs jic!).

The weather has been more seasonal since the weekend with not enough much needed rain. But we did manage to get Grace's cage hefted out of the house and pressure washed. It seems to get heavier each time!

Today Carm got the hitch out of the truck and more hoses picked up… slowly but surely we are getting battened down for winter!

Through all of this I've been struggling a bit mentally. Vestiges of sorrow have been joined with seasonal ugh… but I've been pushing through and mostly managing well. It's not really a surprise after such an emotional fall. Having our trip planned has been a blessing and a curse… I'm finding the preparations to be overwhelming even though there's really not much left to do. Even packing is mostly done, I just need to shift a few things around and then add the hanging clothes so there's really no excuse for feeling so discombobulated but I guess I'm used to it!

I have to remember to tell myself that 'today is a better day' and get on with things!

"you are no longer where you were, but you are everywhere that I am"  Victor Hugo

Awesome!

"camper parked safely in the driveway for the long winter"

"164 cloves of garlic tucked into the nourishing ground"

"the new food basics in the village"

"house cleaner"

but to the happy, I am at peace

It's been close to 3 weeks of an emotional rollercoaster, culminating in Graham's Celebration of Life which was held last night. The days raced by but the minutes creeped. Now we can start to move forward and somehow process the loss without the distraction of preparations. I can see that it won't be easy…

The celebration (it's honestly hard to call it that as who can truly celebrate an untimely death after years of struggle), perhaps I will call it a Remembrance, was heartwarming, Hearing stories of Graham from people I had never met and how he touched other people's lives helped me to remember him before things went so badly. More people attended than we expected and I was personally touched by my friends and family who dropped in, some from long distances. The momentary respite from grief in the arms of those I love was a balm that helped me through the night. Each warm embrace strengthened me.

When it came time for the words of remembrance, Shawn took the helm, introducing each of us as we said our words. Olaf did the eulogy in the form of a poem that he wrote; Juliette was composed, sharing her memories of her father; Erik managed his speech well. Kirsten and I read a simple poem together - I knew I wasn't strong enough to do more than that. Standing beside Kirsten made it possible to speak. Shenna stood with Nissa while she read her beautifully written tribute which was followed by a recording of 'Over the rainbow'. I couldn't tell how many dry eyes there were as my vision was obliterated by my own tears.

I can write my feelings (and yes, cry while I'm doing it),  but saying those same words out loud would have been impossible for something so raw. As it was, I practiced reading the poem over and over again until I could get through it without breaking up.

Remember Me by Margaret Mead

To the living, I am gone,

To the sorrowful, I will never return,

To the angry, I was cheated,

But to the happy, I am at peace,

And to the faithful, I have never left.

I cannot speak, but I can listen.

I cannot be seen, but I can be heard.

So as you stand upon a shore gazing at a beautiful sea,

As you look upon a flower and admire its simplicity,

Remember me.

Remember me in your heart:

Your thoughts, and your memories,

Of the times we loved,

The times we cried,

The times we fought,

The times we laughed.

For if you always think of me, I will never have gone.

Then it was over and we gathered his artifacts that we used to personalize the space. Pictures, musical instruments, a mini drone, his viking horn drinking vessel, the carved Valhalla sign, other odds and ends were collected into a green bin. I carried Graham into Mom's van to be taken to theirs, where he will rest until some ashes are spread. A full but tragic life broken down to a few tokens. 

Mom brought most of the flowers to her place, while I brought the beautiful arrangement from Trudie & Leo home. I might press a few flowers to make a little frame to tuck on a shelf.

In the afternoon, before the event, twenty one (I think) of us gathered at Mom and Dad's for catered sandwiches and sweet treats to fortify us for the long evening. We should have done a family photo as we were all dressed up and looking fine… but it would have seemed so weird and somehow inappropriate.

Thankfully Pat was here looking after the animals so that was one giant load off my mind - thank you Pat 😊 

All that was just yesterday and doesn't account for the multiple trips to the funeral home, trips to the photo printing stores, shopping for frames, making this arrangement and that arrangement. Posting the final copy of his obituary was a moment of reality. Lots of little tasks to keep us busy between the tears. 

Uncle Graham arrived last Tuesday to help share the load and to support Mom and Dad. He shared a name with brother Graham which must have been triggering - seeing your name on the door to a funeral home would be confronting - a double whammy - today's loss and glimpse into the future.

Last weekend the siblings gathered at Kirsten's for our annual night with Juliette and Erik attending to represent Graham. It was a night of high emotion and crazy release. I danced like I was afflicted by the 1518 dancing plague, music played, skull shaped shot glasses were toasted in his honour, some with black skull vodka - Graham was big into skulls - we dug out photos of better days, Erik's girlfriend Nourlynn impressed us with her rendition of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' - we all sang along, raising our voices in harmony.

Difficult times forge strong bonds.

I've learned that grief comes in waves… sometimes it's barely a thought that suddenly turns into a pit of regret and sorrow. Regret for what I did say but more regret for what I never said. If I had sent him a link to a song he might like, or a funny video, just to say that I am thinking of you, would that have helped to keep him in reality? If I had said 'I love you' more; if I had apologised for the times I didn't listen; if I had met him with Lupa like he suggested would he have felt more seen? I was too concerned with accidently saying the wrong thing and triggering a rage and kept him at arms length, communicating through texts for the moment. 

I didn't want to risk closing off the lines of communication, but now he is cut off forever, the opportunity wasted. Of course that's all hypothetical and honestly, it seems that the ending was written in the wind, but those what if's haunt me.

If there is anything to be learned, it's to tell loved ones that they are loved. It's to reach out in little ways to let someone know you are thinking of them and that they have a residence in your heart. It's to forgive and to have compassion for other's struggles. It's to not take things personally and realize that sometimes people act out because of inner challenges and unhappiness which has nothing to do with me. It's to remember.

Awesome!

"friends and family"

heartfelt thanks

I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from everyone. Your kind words have taken a share of the sadness and grief from my heart - thank you.

I started trying to write to everyone individually but you'll have to excuse the single post… it just became too hard to put into words the feelings that I've gotten from reading your messages and honestly how much crying can a person do in one go? As it is, I have a handy box of tissues for this simple message.

Plus you know how verbose I am! Why say something in 10 words when I can say it in 1000!

It's times like this that we find so much comfort from family and friends. There is a drawing together that strengthens bonds in the shared grief. But more than tears, there is laughter and warm feelings as we remember Graham through the years. So many funny stories remind us of his sense of humour and fun - it's been good to remember him as he was years ago.

That renewal of connections has been a gift. Years ago the minister that gave the eulogy for my Great Aunt Jean's funeral talked about how the gathering of everyone is the final gift from the departed and that we should not only grieve with each other but also rekindle the relationships between all of us, family and friends.

Mental illness and addiction are such hard roads to travel, for the person experiencing it as well as for those around them. Is there more help that we as a society can give those suffering? I don't know. My hope, and this has been my own journey for years, is that sharing and talking about these things brings it out into the open where maybe something can be done. It doesn't help anyone to keep struggles locked away out of sight, at least that has been my experience. Stigma is a killer.

On a more personal note, (making this about me as usual!), I feel blessed for my own mental health as his journey could have easily become mine and honestly, that scares the shit out of me… Maybe that's partially why I feel so much angst about what he was feeling and going through. I have always felt a connection to Graham through our shared illness as maybe I have more of a feeling of what he was experiencing than someone who has never had the black demon… but maybe I'm delusional and just projecting…

Unfortunately that feeling of shared connection made it more difficult for me when he would reject my help. I wanted to help him find his way to a more stable life but he didn't always want to hear it which caused friction between us. I always felt that if he would just take my advice, life would be better for him but of course we all have to make those decisions for ourselves. I hope that he knew my advice was coming from a place of love and caring.

I wanted to fix him which of course no one can do. All we can really do is be the support for when he did want to hear. I never really learned that though…

We are still in the process of making the arrangements. Mom has been amazing at keeping it together as we go through things with the funeral home, etc. Basic decisions seem so hard to make and talking about them seems unreal, almost as if I was sitting outside of my body, watching myself go through the motions.

I know that all of you have experienced your own losses and I appreciate your sharing. I see you all and see that you've gone through bereavements which helps me to believe that it will end up okay here too. A load shared is a load lessened. 

Hold your loved ones close. ❤️ 

Awesome!

"everyone who has been so kind"

"family"