thunk

It happened a few days ago in the tub. It was a barely perceptible thunk in my head, a slight shift of my universe, just a little twist in my brain. Anxiety has started to make an occasional appearance, at first just a little peek, but as the last few days have gone by it is spending more time in broad daylight. I’ve been having long conversations with myself about how good things are and that there is nothing to be anxious about - it’s working… a bit.

I can feel my thoughts turning a little more negative and I’m overcome at times with “I can’t do this”. Thankfully, I can still talk myself past these points of discombobulation.

The anxiety tightens my throat and makes my extremities tingle. My stomach feels like it is pinned to my spine. My head spins and I feel out of balance. It is like the feeling when you are about to fall on ice, a quick panic that never leaves.

Pat came for supper last night and she was a good distraction. I’m pretty sure that I’ve been so mentally good this winter is all the supper company we are having. Making supper, gathering around the table with friends, long conversations, are all good salves for a bipolar brain.

So, this week will be an exercise in doing everything I can to get back to equilibrium.

Yesterday and today have had glorious sun with blue skies. We’ve been out and about in the car. Yesterday we visited with my Mom, Dad, brother Graham, and niece & nephew. It was just Erik’s 15th birthday so we wanted to give him some well wishes.

Then we did some groceries and of course treated ourselves to a chicken shawarma. We were home in time for me to have a quick nap and then get ready for Pat. Today we went shopping for a ‘dry pouch’ for our money and cards on our beach days. We had a short visit with Carm’s mom & sister, then hotdogs at Costco. Lots of running around.

The table is a meeting place, a gathering ground, the source of sustenance and nourishment, festivity, safety, and satisfaction. A person cooking is a person giving: Even the simplest food is a gift. ~Laurie Colwin