but to the happy, I am at peace

It's been close to 3 weeks of an emotional rollercoaster, culminating in Graham's Celebration of Life which was held last night. The days raced by but the minutes creeped. Now we can start to move forward and somehow process the loss without the distraction of preparations. I can see that it won't be easy…

The celebration (it's honestly hard to call it that as who can truly celebrate an untimely death after years of struggle), perhaps I will call it a Remembrance, was heartwarming, Hearing stories of Graham from people I had never met and how he touched other people's lives helped me to remember him before things went so badly. More people attended than we expected and I was personally touched by my friends and family who dropped in, some from long distances. The momentary respite from grief in the arms of those I love was a balm that helped me through the night. Each warm embrace strengthened me.

When it came time for the words of remembrance, Shawn took the helm, introducing each of us as we said our words. Olaf did the eulogy in the form of a poem that he wrote; Juliette was composed, sharing her memories of her father; Erik managed his speech well. Kirsten and I read a simple poem together - I knew I wasn't strong enough to do more than that. Standing beside Kirsten made it possible to speak. Shenna stood with Nissa while she read her beautifully written tribute which was followed by a recording of 'Over the rainbow'. I couldn't tell how many dry eyes there were as my vision was obliterated by my own tears.

I can write my feelings (and yes, cry while I'm doing it),  but saying those same words out loud would have been impossible for something so raw. As it was, I practiced reading the poem over and over again until I could get through it without breaking up.

Remember Me by Margaret Mead

To the living, I am gone,

To the sorrowful, I will never return,

To the angry, I was cheated,

But to the happy, I am at peace,

And to the faithful, I have never left.

I cannot speak, but I can listen.

I cannot be seen, but I can be heard.

So as you stand upon a shore gazing at a beautiful sea,

As you look upon a flower and admire its simplicity,

Remember me.

Remember me in your heart:

Your thoughts, and your memories,

Of the times we loved,

The times we cried,

The times we fought,

The times we laughed.

For if you always think of me, I will never have gone.

Then it was over and we gathered his artifacts that we used to personalize the space. Pictures, musical instruments, a mini drone, his viking horn drinking vessel, the carved Valhalla sign, other odds and ends were collected into a green bin. I carried Graham into Mom's van to be taken to theirs, where he will rest until some ashes are spread. A full but tragic life broken down to a few tokens. 

Mom brought most of the flowers to her place, while I brought the beautiful arrangement from Trudie & Leo home. I might press a few flowers to make a little frame to tuck on a shelf.

In the afternoon, before the event, twenty one (I think) of us gathered at Mom and Dad's for catered sandwiches and sweet treats to fortify us for the long evening. We should have done a family photo as we were all dressed up and looking fine… but it would have seemed so weird and somehow inappropriate.

Thankfully Pat was here looking after the animals so that was one giant load off my mind - thank you Pat 😊 

All that was just yesterday and doesn't account for the multiple trips to the funeral home, trips to the photo printing stores, shopping for frames, making this arrangement and that arrangement. Posting the final copy of his obituary was a moment of reality. Lots of little tasks to keep us busy between the tears. 

Uncle Graham arrived last Tuesday to help share the load and to support Mom and Dad. He shared a name with brother Graham which must have been triggering - seeing your name on the door to a funeral home would be confronting - a double whammy - today's loss and glimpse into the future.

Last weekend the siblings gathered at Kirsten's for our annual night with Juliette and Erik attending to represent Graham. It was a night of high emotion and crazy release. I danced like I was afflicted by the 1518 dancing plague, music played, skull shaped shot glasses were toasted in his honour, some with black skull vodka - Graham was big into skulls - we dug out photos of better days, Erik's girlfriend Nourlynn impressed us with her rendition of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' - we all sang along, raising our voices in harmony.

Difficult times forge strong bonds.

I've learned that grief comes in waves… sometimes it's barely a thought that suddenly turns into a pit of regret and sorrow. Regret for what I did say but more regret for what I never said. If I had sent him a link to a song he might like, or a funny video, just to say that I am thinking of you, would that have helped to keep him in reality? If I had said 'I love you' more; if I had apologised for the times I didn't listen; if I had met him with Lupa like he suggested would he have felt more seen? I was too concerned with accidently saying the wrong thing and triggering a rage and kept him at arms length, communicating through texts for the moment. 

I didn't want to risk closing off the lines of communication, but now he is cut off forever, the opportunity wasted. Of course that's all hypothetical and honestly, it seems that the ending was written in the wind, but those what if's haunt me.

If there is anything to be learned, it's to tell loved ones that they are loved. It's to reach out in little ways to let someone know you are thinking of them and that they have a residence in your heart. It's to forgive and to have compassion for other's struggles. It's to not take things personally and realize that sometimes people act out because of inner challenges and unhappiness which has nothing to do with me. It's to remember.

Awesome!

"friends and family"