self-indulgence

Warning! Long-winded self-indulgent rant… skip the first several paragraphs!

The days since I last wrote have somehow flown by even though I've been dragging myself around. It's taken herculean efforts to walk (except one day I was bursting with energy and even managed some weights)... I can't seem to get a handle on the energy and mood fluctuations I'm having - it's very discouraging but I won't give up. 

For years I've been bouncing between feeling great with lots of energy and then days where I can barely get myself off the sofa - it's a real rollercoaster… It's clear that bipolar is more than a mood issue, it's also an energy issue. I'm not sure which comes first, the low mood or low energy, but I think a drop in energy is my first cue that I'm on a downward trend. When I'm strong it's much easier to keep my thoughts in order, but when I'm tired or low, my brain gets the upper hand at times. 

I've always had this ebb and flow of energy but it's more obvious now as I'm wanting to get consistent with exercise but keep getting waylaid… I've managed to walk every day, sometimes for only 20 or 30 minutes but strength training is a hit or miss with no real consistency :-(

I’m wondering if perhaps I'm pushing myself too hard on my tired days… I've spent the last 20 or more years learning how to get myself going despite medications and fatigue from depression, and honestly, I've gotten pretty good at it… however, I'm wondering if pushing myself physically so hard is the right thing to do when I'm in a low cycle.

I find it difficult to scale back because mentally (at first) I feel so motivated but then my body doesn't cooperate but it feels impossible (or undesireable) to just give up and take a break. I have a fear that if I stop I will spiral down to the depths and won't be able to get myself going again… I guess historically that has not been the case, so I have to remind myself that it's not permanent but a transition that I just have to adapt to.

I would just like to live like a normal person and to be able to just exist without constantly checking in on myself… Maybe I'm too self-aware and causing the problem myself? Maybe I overthink everything!

I feel stupid for complaining though… so many other people are going through so much worse that my problems seem trite, so I know, that really in the scheme of things, I am quite lucky!

Sorry for going on. Sometimes it helps me to put it out there. Hopefully too, it helps you to understand why I don't always fully show up.

Chapter 53 Cato and Bailey Meet Laura's Brother

The parrots and dogs knew that something was happening because Laura and Carm were rushing around getting things ready. Laura and Carm spent a long time in the kitchen and they both did some cleaning even though the cleaning lady was at the house the day before. Cato and Bailey knew now that when those things happened, someone was coming to the house.

After the animals had their supper, Laura and Carm answered the door and in came Aunt Kari! Cato and Bailey liked it when Kari visited because there was always lots of fun conversation. Bailey was surprised that they all sat down at the sofas without having supper because when company came they always had supper first.

Laura told them that her brother Olaf and his partner were coming as well so we had to wait for them to make the long drive. Finally they arrived so everyone went to the kitchen. Cato and Bailey were happy that the people were going to have their supper as it usually meant there'd be something good for them to eat too! All the parrots were happy to have a little bit of roast beef but the dogs thought it was unfair for them to only get a tiny bit as well.

Cato and Bailey were not sure what to think about Olaf but after a while they thought that he was okay and could see why Laura said that he'd be the life of the party. There was lots of music playing but the birds were disappointed that no body would dance.

https://youtu.be/zjdgmAvh-dI?si=GtQYIFvoZL4Y_LcT (Rock n’ Roll all Nite Kiss)

Gosh though! Let's get back to regular life! Friday Kari, Olaf & Steph came for supper and a late night of visiting. It was fun, but I felt kind of low key so there was no wild and crazy dancing! 😜 Yesterday the whole family plus all the plus one's, and some extended almost family, gathered at Kirsten's for a Saturday Easter Lunch. Kirsten pulled off an amazing gathering of 22 people - she made a crustless smoked salmon and asparagus quiche which was divine, and a gorgeous lemon loaf. Mom brought her special carrot cake with icing that you could eat out of a bowl. Marion brought a salad, and I brought hummus and cardamom bun sandwiches. It was a group effort with Kirsten hefting the bulk!

Sadly, it was a miserable grey day :-( I wore white summer pants with a summery pink top, but should have had fleece & wool! I did wear my biggest parka though…

Awesome!

“family gatherings”

“focaccia is always a favourite”

“all the snow is gone!”