eleven days

Day eleven!

It's been a good stretch of feeling a bit tired, and occasionally nausea (honestly, lunch of broccoli & sardines makes me gag)... but nothing like what I was experiencing before. There was only one afternoon where I spent time resting in bed (that was after taking the dogs to the vet). Overall, I think I've found the sweet spot of activity - I can do more than I thought but less than I'd like! No treadmill or other exercise for another few weeks but I can see that I'll be increasing activity slightly in another week or two of relative stability.

If I pace myself properly I can actually get quite a bit done - I've roasted several zucchini, made flavoured salt again - this time Thai Awry - Thai basil, garlic, and Olaf's ‘Awry & Ginger’. It’s a flavour bomb! I've harvested some cherry tomatoes and packaged them into the freezer - little orbs of summer delight for winter stews.

I've been playing with the dogs - getting out the clicker for some fun games. It’s been years since I've done much with them - they get pretty excited when I get all the training stuff out. I can take the dogs outside a few times during the day, including one slow walk to the end of the field and back. 

TV and videos are still a bit hard - reels of music etc are energy neutral, but anything that uses my brain wears me out quickly. Still, I'm able to watch some things! And of course music energizes me - my ‘Thrive’ playlist is wearing out!

The trend is in the right direction!

Carm has noticed the trend to normal and said that he didn't think it would go this well!

I’ve been reflecting on how different bipolar depression is from the feeling of discouragement that I sometimes have whispers of. Being discouraged feels temporary and not all consuming. It's more like a cloak and not my whole being. It doesn't turn the world grey and there is always a thread of hope and belief that it will pass. Depression feels like it will be for eternity making life too hard to live. It feels heavy and a bit like that rock in Greek mythology. It's grey and black and fog and neverending rain. 

It’s the same thing with fatigue - there are differences. Bipolar depression fatigue is real - it feels heavy and like I'm walking through water. Pushing through it often helps and can even energize me. It makes the depression a bit easier to bear for a while. I’ve gotten good at pushing myself when I feel tired or overwhelmed… which has served me well in the past but not so much now!

The fatigue that I've been experiencing lately is different. It feels like the energy is gone from every cell and when I’m having a bad day, even holding my head up is hard. I notice how still I am - just shifting my weight sitting down is hard. I notice in the car how much effort it takes to stabilise myself when braking or turning a corner - it's exhausting - even as a passenger! The visuals of traffic and scenery passing quickly is tiring. If I continue to push through I feel worse and worse. Over exertion in bipolar depression doesn't last. For me now though - over exertion sets me back days… 

But! I've got 11 days of stability under my belt!

Two different illnesses… two different approaches!

I know I've been repetitive but I'm trying to drill into my head that I have to slow down to get better! If I say it over and over, maybe it will sink in! Being patient does not come naturally to me!

This has been the summer of mosquitos! We've had so much rain and never had even a hint of drought this summer. The field still has areas of squishy waterlogged ground. We haven't been able to sit outside on the deck for weeks now :-( I guess if I didn't mind dousing myself with mosquito repellant but honestly, it doesn't seem worth bathing in toxic chemicals.

The mosquitos have also kept us home from the villetta for another week - it's West Nile season and there have been pockets found in the area - I really can't risk getting sick. But I wanted to go so badly! We need to keep the dogs getting together as Basel grows up…

Awesome!

“feeling mostly okay for 11 full days”

“2 days without rain”

“tomato sandwiches still appear on the supper table!”

“Thai Awry salt on crackers with processed cheese and strawberry jam”