Yesterday, in my daze, I heard red-wing blackbirds in the wind-whipped trees. There seemed to be a flock of them calling as they tried to find a spot out of the wind. And there was wind last night - oh my gosh! The hawthorns outside the bedroom windows morphed into craggy monsters that were clawing at the glass trying to get inside. I tried to get to sleep, the dogs tried to settle, but until Carm was there, and we were all together, none of us could relax. Miraculously, the power stayed on.
Today I got out of bed at the semi-regular time (late! but the same time as everyone else) - I consider that the first big win of the day... Looking back at the past few days, even though it was the worst I've been for years (I can't remember the last time I spent 1 day in bed, let alone 3!), there was a difference. This time I knew that it would end… that it would pass… that if I were just a little patient I'd feel better eventually. I didn't beat myself up, thinking that I'm a loser, making it worse than it had to be. It's taken 20 years to learn this… I'm a slow learner I guess.
On some level I may have known it would end, but I also gave in and didn't fight it, even that little voice in the back of my head was silent for a while. Perhaps that's why the worst lasted so long.
One of the ‘Modern Love’ episodes that I watched featured Anne Hathaway as a bipolar woman swinging from low to high - it was a bit of a caricature of what living with bipolar looks like but at the same time it depicted the mood swings rather well. There were moments in the program where I was “yes, that is exactly how it is”... Sequins and bedazzle on the upswing, soporific flannel on the slump.
It's sunny and a bonus February day so I should try to get the rest of the ‘winter’ garlands and little trees put away until next Christmas. I’m feeling somewhat better but at this point in the day (10 am), I'm not sure if I have the energy or will to get it done… maybe if I put some music on…
Later in the day… With Carm's help we got the garlands and little trees packed away! The ‘summer’ valances are re-installed. The house looks vaguely like it's missing something but our eyes will adapt!
My third big win today: I got on the treadmill for an hour, slower than a snail's pace, but chatting with Kirsten kept my feet moving long past the time they wanted to quit… it's not all mood - there's often a profound fatigue, it feels like I am moving through a bowl of cream of wheat, slow and with great effort. (hummm… I might be a bit hungry!). Anne Hathaway played it well. I could not have walked for an hour a day or two ago.
GEESE! Huge flocks circled over the river before splitting up into smaller groups as they spiralled down from the blustery sky, their wings flapping madly as they made the turn into the wind. It seems they are early this year.
Awesome!
“no trees down after the huge windstorm”
“feeling much better today”
“geese! the harbinger of spring”
“60 minute amble”
