heartfelt thanks

I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from everyone. Your kind words have taken a share of the sadness and grief from my heart - thank you.

I started trying to write to everyone individually but you'll have to excuse the single post… it just became too hard to put into words the feelings that I've gotten from reading your messages and honestly how much crying can a person do in one go? As it is, I have a handy box of tissues for this simple message.

Plus you know how verbose I am! Why say something in 10 words when I can say it in 1000!

It's times like this that we find so much comfort from family and friends. There is a drawing together that strengthens bonds in the shared grief. But more than tears, there is laughter and warm feelings as we remember Graham through the years. So many funny stories remind us of his sense of humour and fun - it's been good to remember him as he was years ago.

That renewal of connections has been a gift. Years ago the minister that gave the eulogy for my Great Aunt Jean's funeral talked about how the gathering of everyone is the final gift from the departed and that we should not only grieve with each other but also rekindle the relationships between all of us, family and friends.

Mental illness and addiction are such hard roads to travel, for the person experiencing it as well as for those around them. Is there more help that we as a society can give those suffering? I don't know. My hope, and this has been my own journey for years, is that sharing and talking about these things brings it out into the open where maybe something can be done. It doesn't help anyone to keep struggles locked away out of sight, at least that has been my experience. Stigma is a killer.

On a more personal note, (making this about me as usual!), I feel blessed for my own mental health as his journey could have easily become mine and honestly, that scares the shit out of me… Maybe that's partially why I feel so much angst about what he was feeling and going through. I have always felt a connection to Graham through our shared illness as maybe I have more of a feeling of what he was experiencing than someone who has never had the black demon… but maybe I'm delusional and just projecting…

Unfortunately that feeling of shared connection made it more difficult for me when he would reject my help. I wanted to help him find his way to a more stable life but he didn't always want to hear it which caused friction between us. I always felt that if he would just take my advice, life would be better for him but of course we all have to make those decisions for ourselves. I hope that he knew my advice was coming from a place of love and caring.

I wanted to fix him which of course no one can do. All we can really do is be the support for when he did want to hear. I never really learned that though…

We are still in the process of making the arrangements. Mom has been amazing at keeping it together as we go through things with the funeral home, etc. Basic decisions seem so hard to make and talking about them seems unreal, almost as if I was sitting outside of my body, watching myself go through the motions.

I know that all of you have experienced your own losses and I appreciate your sharing. I see you all and see that you've gone through bereavements which helps me to believe that it will end up okay here too. A load shared is a load lessened. 

Hold your loved ones close. ❤️ 

Awesome!

"everyone who has been so kind"

"family"

long goodbyes

I never expected to be writing here at one in the morning but I can't sleep and need someone to talk to. I won't post this for a few days, once everyone has been notified… (update, it's less than 24 hours later).

My baby brother Graham passed away suddenly and unexpectedly sometime Sunday or Monday morning. He was found in his room at his apartment but details are sketchy leaving us with lots of questions that will probably never be answered. There is no cause of death yet and won't be for a few weeks. We are all in shock and having difficulty believing it.

Mom and I were able to tell his kids and ex wife all at once and in person on Monday afternoon. I can't think of more heartbreaking news to tell someone…I don't feel that I imparted the news well but I guess in the end, the news is the news and no matter the delivery, the result is devestating.  I have my own sadness but it can never compare to their's… please keep them in your thoughts as this will be a difficult time for them all. And my parents. Maybe especially them…

A bunch of photos of Graham and the kids came up in my photo memories yesterday just before Mom and Dad called me. They were fresh in my mind when I got the news so the picture I have of him in my mind is from when he was healthy and things were better.

from a few years ago

Graham will be remembered by many people in the community for his caring and empathy. He was kind to strangers and seemed to attract the downtrodden and lost souls. He always wanted to help people. Maybe giving help to others gave help to himself… I don't know. Wild rabbits would sit with him on the front porch. He loved nature. He had a curious mind and was interested in so many different things. He walked the city taking photos of people, sharing his talent and hobby. He befriended the shop keepers where he frequented, and the dog walkers, and the larpers who gathered in his favourite park. And others that we didn't know about.

He especially loved his dog Gimli.

He was also a lost soul with demons dragging him down to an almost unreasonable hell. I hope in his last minutes that he knew how much we all loved him. That is my hopest hope.

One of his favourite songs is 'somewhere over the rainbow' sung by Israel Kamakawiwoʻole, the beloved Hawaiian singer. somewhere over The rainbow 

We spent many hours in the past listening to music together and sharing our favourites.

Graham is the youngest - this was at my wedding when the boys were just little kids.

Tuesday night: we all got together this afternoon to empty his apartment of his belongings. The housing case workers talked about how much everybody liked Graham and how he seemed to bring out the best of a rag tag group of misfits… however it was not enough and he was dragged down by a few. He was naive, thinking only the best of people which left him vulnerable to being taken advantage of and being led astray. 

Steph and I took a turn keeping an eye on all our vehicles while the others started sorting through his things. While we were there, the neighbour in a nearby house came out to talk to us and share with us her experience of being friends with Graham. Gimli and her dog often got together to play. We are so grateful to hear the stories.

Countless flights of stairs later the cars and truck were loaded with what was his. We unloaded everything at Mom and Dad's, milled around not sure of what to do next then gathered in the family room to share stories, tears, and laughter. The kids, Olaf, Steph and I met up with some of the boy's high school friends. Shawn and Carm were able to join us. We had some heartfelt conversations over some IPAs before calling it a night. I'm back at Mom and Dad's for another night - tomorrow we'll start figuring out funeral arrangements - none of us have done this before and I guess we aren't rushing to get the job done. Perhaps it seems so final and an invitation for reality to barge in.

It seems like another era but just a few days ago we had a great visit with Olaf and Stephanie. They even played 9 holes of golf on Sunday (was that really just two days ago?). I went along for the walk. It was an absolutely stunning day with a cloudless blue sky and the perfect temperature for a country walk.

It seems unreal now. Juliette said it best when she said we have been grieving him for a while and now it starts all over again. So many mixed emotions of sadness, guilt, remorse, and yes, a bit of relief and hope that he's in a better place, free of pain and unhappiness. Graham, we loved you and you will be missed. There's been a hole in our family that we all hoped was just temporary… but now that opportunity has been lost.

Olaf and I with Graham's kids.

Awesome!

"golf"

"seriously though, I'll have to pass on the awesome today, although I could say that family and being together was good"

three times 21

Thank you for all the birthday wishes :-) It seems like just last year that I turned 21 but also another lifetime ago… multiply that by 3 and here I am! Three times older! And maybe 3 times better! 

Thinking back to my 21st birthday is like visiting ancient history - from what I remember, I was living in Ottawa with my boyfriend Steve and our friend Alan in a 2 bedroom townhouse. My parents had come to visit, maybe bringing my brothers, but I don't remember Kirsten being there. I remember being sad as I knew it would be the last time I'd see Thor, my childhood dog. I got a briefcase from Mom and Dad, and some table legs and a bench from Steve's family. I still have the bench (it's in the main bathroom) but the briefcase is long gone…

I seem to remember struggling with a bit of depression at the time but that was a common occurrence back then, maybe even more so than now. I know I didn't have the self confidence I have now, that took a long time to develop (and I credit much of that to Carm's unwavering support)... If my fairy godmother showed up with her wand and offered to send me back to that time, I would refuse! Twenty one wasn't my best year, in fact it was during that year that I first came closest to ending it all… it was actually a really terrible year! 

Multiply 21 by 2 makes me 42 years old, another turning point year. On my birthday I was on sick leave with major depression… I hadn't been diagnosed bipolar yet, that would happen at the beginning of October of that year. That was a pretty tough year but I learned so much about myself and it started me on the path of learning how to better navigate life… 

I'm not unique in having obstacles - everyone has challenges thrown at them and I know you are all awesome at dealing with everything. It was actually a bit depressing to look back but after thinking about it for a while, I feel good about my journey and feel that there were way more ups than downs.

This year? I feel great physically and emotionally. So yeah, life is good now!

Today the sun is shining and it's a balmy 25C, perfect for a trip to the golf driving range. We went on Monday and I was able to hit the ball reasonably consistently… but only for 80 yards max… today I struggled a bit more but I was feeling tired from walking over 8km in the morning and my arm was still a bit sore from a vaccine yesterday. But it was fun! Next summer I'm going to try to work on hitting the ball so that maybe I could do an actual golf game ha ha!

We did get into the pool briefly this afternoon… just so I could say I did! It was a chilly 19C or 66F… brrr.

We are still eating tomatoes and hope to have a few more before the week is out. I'm not sick of them yet! I've started the process of making focaccia for tomorrow's lunch with Jo Ellen and Don. Although the tomatoes are so good we could probably just have plain white bread!

Carm cut down a giant tree in the backyard that has been throwing lots of shade on the pool and lower deck. It's really opened up the view from the deck and will maybe stretch out the season a bit by letting the sun warm up the water. It was a tremendous amount of work which is still ongoing, although I think he got the last of the wood split and stacked this afternoon. Unfortunately there are a few more that have to be cut down… the darn Manitoba Maples are a pita, seeming to sprout out of nothing into suddenly huge trees that are a challenge to deal with.

Last Saturday most of the family got together for lunch at Mom and Dad's. We were missing a few people but it was still a crowd. Carm was off to his 'friendly golf league' banquet so missed out on some of the fun… he didn't get home until quite late which upset Lupa tremendously… I had to stick her in her crate to calm her down. We know who's dog she is 😉 

The weather has been warm and sunny so far this fall but we are in desperate need of rain. The earth is cracked and dry, even in the area below the house that is usually a bit wet. It's crazy but I guess the whole world is crazy right now… weather and other…

Awesome!

"beautiful fall weather"

"feeling awesome at 63"

i would walk 600 miles

I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 hundred more - do you recognize the song by the Proclaimers? I'll do my own version, substituting 500 miles with 600 miles as that's how far I've walked on the treadmill so far this year! I've done some calculations (I made a spreadsheet!) and would have to walk almost 4 miles a day from now until the end of December to make it to an even 1000 miles… I don't think that's achievable but I'm on a mission to see how close I can get! I love a challenge and goals get me up in the morning!

Yesterday was Pat's birthday so we took her out for supper to the local restaurant in the village and then we came back here for cake and bubbles… and a few more episodes of the show she and Carm are watching together (a bit too much violence for me so I just watch out of the corner of my eye while Doom Scrolling FB).

The days have been zooming by… it seems impossible that we are already ⅓ of the way through September… pool use has gone way down but we were both in for a few nanoseconds this afternoon after cutting down a tree. We were hot and sweaty and the crystal clear waters beconned… thankfully no iceburgs but it was a chilly 17.5C/65F! Yikes! That is really my limit.

The harvest from the garden has pretty much slowed down… there's still all the butternut squash to harvest, a few more tomatoes, and we haven't had zucchini for ages. I still have 2 on the counter waiting to be turned into ribbons for a salad or chopped to be roasted. Last week I made 3 chocolate zucchini cakes for the freezer as well as a few bags of roasted zucchini… the freezer is filled to the brim, and that's after a giant garbage bag of ancient food was tossed. I've got lots of tomato sauce, a bit of roasted zucchini, some cakes, and hopefully some zucchini that can be transformed into scarpaccia on a cold winter day.

I had a few days on my own at the villetta last week for a 'girls' night. Kirsten and I walked a few times a day, I did a long overdue deep clean of the trailer, we played tennis with Nissa. And by that I mean I tried to hit the ball in the general direction of the other person… it was a big excitement to even hit the ball let alone get it over the net!

Last Friday we drove down to the St. Lawrence past some of our old camping stomping grounds. Lots of fun memories! I think we'll plan a few trips back this fall, with the dogs as there are some nice walks along the parkway. We had lunch at a (new to us) bakery in one of the villages. I had a Thai peanut chicken wrap which was delicious. Carm had an equally good Philly cheese steak sandwich. We finished off with butter tarts… our first ones this year. It brought back fond memories of 'buttertart' summers camping at Presquille. Oh so many buttertarts!

We've had some rain but the ground is still dry and cracked in some areas.

Today I'm actually cooking food! There's a soup in the instant pot with the last of 2024 butternut squash (yes!), mushrooms, kale, romano beans, etc… We've had lots of tomato sandwiches over the last few weeks which has been a great vacation from cooking!

Awesome!

"heaps of tomatoes in the freezer"

"birthday cake"

"spending time in the villetta"

"feeling confident driving to Kirsten's and back - I've come a long way with my confidence in the last two years!"

"no cooking for weeks"

the start of better days

Let's give this another chance… I wrote a few paragraphs a week ago but haven't had the mental accum to write any more since… my brain is still not working at full capacity though!

Sunday, Aug 24th…

Well, it's been over one and a half weeks since I last took up the logical pen… It turns out that my immune system was not working well and I ended up with an infection which brought me to my knees for a few days before I finally called the doctor… he took care of the problem and then prescribed 5 days of antibiotics…

I've always been a bit sensitive to medications and this antibiotic was no different as it caused days and days of fatigue and nausea… some of the days I barely moved around the house but gradually I was able to start getting busier. By late last week I was almost back to normal - just in time as there were heaps of tomatoes and zucchini to process and preserve.

Our harvest has been on and off again… the brutal heat of July and the first half (or more) of August slowed down the garden, but with a few cooler days lately it seems to be flourishing… that is, if we can keep enough water on it. It's been a long drought and no relief in sight yet 😞 

I had my last appointment with the radiation oncologist last week - hurrah… now I'll just have regular checkups with my family doctor and annual mammograms. Meanwhile, I'll keep up with a mostly healthy lifestyle and keep my fingers crossed that stopping tamoxifen was the right decision!

Thursday we had Pat over for supper and a tv watching night, then Friday we packed up and went to the villetta for the weekend. 

Carm and I decided Saturday was a perfect day for a drive and lunch out so we headed over to Chaffey's Lock for lunch at the Opionicon, a grand old resort from time past. Sadly, they closed all the accommodations 10 years ago, but 3 restaurants remained on site. We lucked in with a table on the porch overlooking the grounds (sadly not the water though)... I had arancini which are fried balls of rice and mushrooms, an Italian street dish, while Carm continued his quest for the best club sandwich in Eastern Ontario. We took back roads that wound through the wilds of the Rideau Lakes. I would have loved to have been on my motorcycle (oh so many years ago)!

—--------------

And wait! This was yesterday…

so that was 5 days ago and not much has improved. Monday I thought I was getting better so did a bit of resistance exercise and then a walk… well, that wasn't such a great idea as I was still struggling with nausea and fatigue but I thought maybe I could force myself to get better! Alas, it didn't work out that way and I just ended up still struggling…

I also thought it would be a good idea to cut out my sleep aid for a few nights to see if that would make a difference, but then I was just exhausted from lack of sleep and constant hot flashes!

And then, just because my body wasn't assaulted enough, we had our first twinrx vaccination on Tuesday… cue more fatigue and nausea. 

I can't say I'm much better today except I will tell myself that I'm feeling stronger every day and try to focus on the improvement! Goodness knows, I've probably been making it worse by whingeing about my woes ad nauseum!

We did get a day of rain yesterday! Thirty six mm of rain was enough to soak the ground but probably not enough to end the drought…

This morning I walked with June - logically that is! She lives in Basal, Switzerland but with a video chat as we walked it was almost like being in person :-)  It was fun to see more of her neighbourhood. And we managed to chat each other up instead of just complaining about our woes for the win! I did feel better and more energized after our chat - just goes to show how much our thoughts affect our bodies.

Wednesday was a horrific day for the dogs… first they had their teeth cleaned and then their nails clipped - I wonder how excited they will be for the next car ride!

Yesterday I made 3 more containers of pureed tomato sauce - my new method is to roughly chop the washed tomatoes until the instant pot is filled, then 10 minutes at high pressure and a natural release. I strain the liquid out, which at that point is basically tomato flavoured water (I'll call it juice). The rest, pulp and skins is whizzed with an immersion blender and voila! a simple sauce ready to be turned into anything. The only waste is the stem!

I also made Pat's recipe for chocolate zucchini cake - yum! I'll make a few more on the weekend so the freezer will have a cache of desserts.

Oh yes, Monday I also had a great visit with Christina :-) We drank heaps of tomato 'juice' while we enjoyed a cooler day on the deck. Alas, I believe the heat of summer is over and certainly the days of lazing around in the oppressive heat are over as well - boo hiss!

Today is going to be the start of better days… today is going to be the start of better days… today IS the start of better days…

Awesome!

"tomatoes every which way"

"heaps of zucchini, but somehow not enough"

Lindsie's Beginner's Glossary of Horse Riding Terms

I got an email today from a woman involved with a children's project. One of her charges, Lindsie, found my skjennagard.ca website about our horses and used that as one of her resources for creating an amazing web page with lots of information that people, (not just kids), would find informative. I was thrilled to hear that she enjoyed our ponies :-)  I'd love to add a link to her page on my website, but gosh, it's been over 10 years since the last time I made updates and will really have to put on my thinking cap to do so. In the meantime, I thought I'd link to it here so maybe it will get some views. 

Lindsie's Beginner's Glossary of Horse Riding Terms

Please check out her page.

inferno

We must be setting some sort of record this summer… it's been another stretch of blistering hot weather! Today looks like another scorcher… Carm golfed yesterday afternoon - it was 34C - but used a cart so he managed the heat well.., meanwhile, I relaxed on the back deck with occasional dips into the rapidly warming (again) water!

I say I was relaxing… but I felt like a damp wash rag wrung out until nothing remained. I had a really good run of energy and mood but yesterday I crashed in both. We had guests both days on the weekend (more about that later) and had a great time. Lunch both days was easy and mostly made ahead of time so it wasn't stressful, in fact I felt great… until Sunday morning after I got through my exercise… I don't know why but I was totally drained of energy - usually I feel tired but energized after I'm done (I know that doesn't make sense but trust me!)...

Yesterday morning I felt so weak that I couldn't even get through 5 minutes downstairs and forced myself to do a slow walk on the treadmill - if I hadn't been talking to Kirsten I'm not sure if I would have made it! Thanks Kirsten 😀 I wanted to do it as it's a big mood booster and I always feel like I've done something really good for myself… but perhaps yesterday I should have skipped it as it turns out that an injury that I have started to get infected and was spreading quickly, triggering a fever in the afternoon. 

I'm not sure what I did, but by bedtime the fever was going down and the spread of the infection seemed to slow. This morning much of the swelling is down and I have no fever so I'll hold off on going to the doctor. My immune system is working well for me!

I don't know if it was the infection but my mood also crashed, triggering a cascade of unwelcome thoughts… If I'd had more energy I would have made some black bean brownies or some such treat but there's the crux of the problem… no strength to do the things that would get my brain behaving again. Luckily this morning my brain is back to behaving itself! I'll take a day off from exercise but will get some things done instead of just being a lump on the sofa (outdoors this morning!).

Oh, so back to the last few days… we had lots of lazy afternoons doing nothing much last week (hummm - Carm played golf 3 times so he wasn't that lazy!)... the forecast for the weekend showed two more hot days with no storms on the horizon for the afternoon so we sent out a few invites.

Saturday Julie and Peter came for lunch. Carm worked with Pete 'back in the day' - they were married on the same day as we were so we have met for dinner to celebrate our anniversaries a few times and they've been here for parties, but I think this was the first time we had them here with just the four of us. It was a perfect (if a bit hot) afternoon for getting to know them better. 

Sunday it was Tina and Bruce's turn for lunch. As usually happens, they visit on the hottest day of the summer! In previous years they've come only once, and always around the beginning of August, often in hopes of seeing some meteors. This year they came in June as well - also a scorcher! I love having people over on these hot days - as long as they are swimmers! No hanging out in the AC for me on these hot days - they'll be over soon enough…

Awesome!

"picking food from the garden"

"eating food that we've grown"

quietly content

Carm was off golfing yesterday afternoon so I blasted the music blasting while I twirled around the house from distraction to distraction, leaving a trail of destruction and half worn clothes behind me. Half worn clothes? I've been trying on everything that I've purchased this summer for our trip! And since I really have no where to store them, they end up draped over chairs and beds! The spare room is a disaster, but only needs 30 minutes to be guest ready :-)

Today his golf game was early in the day so I slept in and then after a long leisurely cup of coffee, got walking… I felt good with barely a twinge in my back - hurrah!

I know that I go on about plant-based eating and trying to keep up with healthy eating but it's such a big part of my life that it's hard not to talk about it! I'm not trying to be superior or holier than thou… I don't feel that way at all, in fact I feel very much the opposite… but it's a daily struggle for me… and not a one and done thing! 

It's like if you got a new car… you'd talk about it for a bit then forget about it… unless you were having to deal with issues all the time in which case it would be a regular topic of conversation 🤣 pretty lame analogy!!! It's getting late 🫩 

I find it easy at times to just say to heck with it but then I remind myself that this is for long term health and vitality and get back to it. I've got lots of motivational videos saved to inspire me! Of course it helps that I feel great so it's hard to defend sitting on the sofa all day!

I read something about passion and discipline yesterday that really hit a chord - it's discipline that gets me to show up for myself everyday, even when I really don't feel like it. Oh sure, there are days when I can't get it together for much at all or maybe even manage just a walk, but I really want to try to limit those days. The last 2.5 weeks have been a setback but I'll pick up where I left off and get going again… soon.

"Discipline is what gets you out of bed when motivation is gone.

Discipline is what makes you practice when you don't feel inspired.

Discipline is what turns an amateur's dream into a professional's reality." unknown 

A few days ago I was feeling really great mentally and more like myself than I have for ages… it was wonderful but I didn't fully trust it which makes me a bit sad… it lasted for a few days then faded back to normal but I've had a few glimmers since… 

But what is normal? I've been medicated for over two decades and don't remember what it was like before. I do know that the meds flatten me out so that sometimes I barely feel anything but it's better than feeling like death! Hmmm, I'm going to rephrase that… I sometimes feel nothing but when I'm in a good space I feel quietly content which is actually pretty awesome and I'm grateful for that.

The weather has still been dry but has been a bit cooler. I'm sad to say that I didn't get myself outside at all today, it was breezy and a bit cool for sitting around outside… so other than a few trips out with the dogs I didn't venture out… oh, that's wrong! I did dunk myself into the 70F water this morning after my walk and other exercise.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm running out of zucchini! Yesterday I made 3 lemon zucchini loafs, today I roasted a bunch that I'll freeze to add to pastas in the winter, which has left me with just two small ones left! I might roast them tomorrow and hope that there are a few hidden out in the garden.

A few weeks ago I started following this fitness guy on FB - he's pretty fit and has some amazing fitness routines set to music which is all fine… however, the women that drool over him on his page are disgusting! Like have some self respect for goodness sake! And don't say gross things like 'he cured my menopause'... ugh… If he was a young woman that older men were gushing over everyone would be up in arms, but for some reason there's a double standard going on here!

Awesome!

"a full on walk"

"sunny summer days"

"freezing swim"

"a few days of feeling good"

"being happy with my life"

getting more mobile

Today I managed a full intensity hour long walk! The first in over 2 weeks. I even managed some extra weight bearing exercises as well! I feel like I'm almost back to normal… hurrah and finally, although I do have to protect my back a certain amount still. I just have to watch that I don't overdo it as I can push myself too hard at times… I don't know exactly what I did, but it sure put me on my back foot for days and days…

Yesterday I managed some time in the kitchen and came up with a few new 'recipes'... Pat was coming for supper and I wanted to zoosh up the black-eyed pea burgers that I already had in the freezer. I'd seen some things on FB that were basically a bit of grated cheese, some thin ribbons of zucchini, topped with a bit more cheese and then baked in the oven till crisp. That worked well so I stepped it up a notch and added some thinly sliced tofu that had been marinated in teriyaki sauce and then roasted with a bit of garam marsala sprinkled on (I'd skip this and use a different spice instead - maybe smoked paprika). I spread some chopped sun-dried tomato, red onion, garlic, la bomba spicy sauce, with a tiny bit of zucchini just to thin it out. The spread was pretty spicy so I didn't use much of it - next time I'll slather it on as the heat got lost in all the other ingredients.

Carm picked up some brioche hamburger buns which fit the burgers perfectly. All layered together, with a bit of ketchup, they were awesome! And much less work than the sandwiches that I made for Pat a few weeks ago… although the black-eyed pea burgers were already made, but I sometimes make a huge batch of them to have handy in the freezer…

Some zucchini salad with a lemon dressing and roasted radishes rounded out the meal. It was a good one and even better cause we could eat outside! Yesterday was a beautiful day, not too hot with low humidity. Unfortunately there was a smoky haze that blocked out some of the glorious sun.

We've had the sun shade up for a few days now!

Awesome!

"even more summer days!"

"black-eyed pea burgers"

"slowly getting more mobile"

zucchini 3 ways

I'm taking another day off from walking… my back is still giving me lots of trouble unfortunately :-(  The last few days I have walked a full hour but then end up gimping around the rest of the day so today I'll try another full rest day. It's gotten a lot better than it was almost 2 weeks ago but still isn’t great… I'm not sure what I wrenched but it was something bad!

Today is overcast and cooler, but the last week has had days and days of hot, sunny weather! It's been glorious, at least for those of us with AC… I pity the people without and especially those that have to work outside. We were able to have the shade cover up for several days in a row so I've been able to convalesce in paradise!

I did pry myself off the sofa on Friday to do some prep for Saturday's afternoon visit with Olaf & Steph. I kept it pretty simple but it still seems that everything took ages to make, especially when I had to lie down to rest often. 

Friday after his golf game, Carm dashed to Costco for a package of their awesome wings which cook up ‘real good’ in the actifry. I made Greek potatoes and popped them in the fridge giving the potatoes a chance to convert its sugars to a resistant starch which doesn't spike blood sugars as much. Saturday, I just heated them in a frying pan with a tiny bit of olive oil, and yes, more garlic! The leftovers have seen a few incarnations, including with lentils and roasted zucchini last night 😀 

I did an experiment with the focaccia… instead of just garlic and rosemary, I loaded it with sun-dried tomatoes, kalamata olives, feta, and thai basil flowers. It was good and a definite do-over!

Olaf and Steph arrived sometime past 1pm on Saturday, just as the focaccia came out of the oven, so we had a quick snack and then went straight outside for the rest of the day! It was a gorgeous day and I was determined to eek every last moment of summer… 

Monday Carm played golf in the afternoon and the weather was still fantastic, so I sent a last minute invite to Mom and Kirsten for a ‘girls’ afternoon on the deck. It was another lazy day in the heat of summer :-)

Aside from those two social afternoons, I've done nothing… we've eaten a certain amount of take-out and easily made meals… I just can't stand at the kitchen counter for long, especially by the end of the day. It's incredibly frustrating! I was just getting back to my workout routine before I hurt myself… now I'll be back to square 1 (well maybe not 1 but not where I was!). I can't even imagine lifting a weight at the moment :-(

Yesterday I forced myself to walk for an hour, with a few breaks for stretching, which I think was a mistake… then after a stint outside and a bit of a rest I tackled a pile of zucchini. Some I made into a sort of fritter which I can heat up for supper one night, the rest is in ribbons ready to make the lemon zucchini salad, I just have to make the dressing which seems insurmountable at this moment… At the end of all that I could barely stand, let alone walk, so I just read in bed for a few hours. Ugh!

Over the past few days I did manage to get some garlic chili crisp made with the rest of last year's garlic, and sliced some lemons for the freezer. Carm got me another bag from Costco today, so I'll slice a bunch more, but also make some lemon zucchini cake for the freezer! Lemons and zucchini are a great combination!

Tonight we revisited an old favorite movie… ‘Moonstruck’ never fails to bring a few laughs as well as some tears… Carm's got some arias playing now - one of these days we must go to an opera in person!

Awesome!

“more summer days”

“focaccia with extra toppings”

“lunch with Mom and Kirsten”

time passes faster

As was forecast, last Thursday was unsettled with dark clouds marching across the sky, keeping me mostly inside. With more moderate temperatures, it was the perfect day to get the clippers out to sheer Lupa. She's sleek and shiny again! 

In the afternoon I met up with Mom & Dad at liquidation for a little shop and then coffee at Tim's. I bought a linen’ish dress which can be dressed up or down. I think I have everything that I need for our trip this November! Oh, and on the way home I popped into a little thrift store that I'd never been to - and scored two tops to go with the beige striped linen pants I bought a few days ago. One is dressy, perfect for dinners out, and the other is a simple tank top. 

Friday I got up at the crack of dawn so I could do my exercise and then get some food made to take to the villetta. I got everything made ahead of time that I could, but would have to make the lentils when we got to the villetta…. in the end we settled for take-out fish & chips for dinner Friday night as it was just Kirsten home. I only had the lemon zucchini salad to contribute on Saturday as we were out all day…

Saturday we putzed around all morning, taking the dogs for a longish walk, coffee with Kirsten and Shawn, then we got ready to go to Kingston for my friend June's father's Celebration of Life. I've written about June's father, Mr. Jenkins, during the Write Your Life class that I did at the library years ago… he hired me out of high school for a temporary job that turned into a 29+ year career in IT… a turning point that influenced my whole life.

https://youtube.com/shorts/7eCjar2ZfkU?si=wahJ8bz2TOL6C7cI  My contribution to the memorial video.

It was a lovely gathering in the garden of a glitzy club in downtown Kingston. The weather was perfect with a cloudless blue sky, and not blazing hot! A week ago would have been another story all together… 

I'll segue back to Saturday morning… Shawn is big into fitness and cross-fit so I thought it would be a good idea to get some tips from him… I'm hoping to be able to do a few pushups someday but my form was all wrong so we got that straightened out (I can barely do 1 kneeling pushup) and then there was another plank with shoulder tap which was also very hard… one or both of those totally F'd up my back and core as I seem to have over strained a few key muscles. So I've been gimping around, barely able to move or stand since. I thought that by today I'd be back to walking on the treadmill, but I'm still having a hard time walking to the kitchen sink! Obviously I have some pretty big weaknesses… more goals!

Sunday we came home in the morning and did the usual Sunday stuff… then yesterday, despite being barely able to move, I perched on a low stool washing the dirt from the garlic as Carm pulled it. We managed to get the whole 150+ bulbs harvested and stored away in the garage to cure. Most were pretty decent sized bulbs, possibly better than last year's.

Our garlic from last year is on its last legs so the harvest is just in time - I should try to rescue what I can and make garlic crisp oil… maybe tomorrow when I can stand at the counter for longer... I also have a bag of lemons to slice and freeze. My experiment with freezing whole lemons was a success, but I'd like some pre-sliced to pop into my water jug :-)  We can get lemons from countries other than the USA right now so I want to stock up!

Do you ever wonder if time passes the same way for all the creatures of the earth? How does time pass for a fly? How long does a minute seem? When I squashed the horsefly on the window, did it seem like a minute or hour to it or did it die in an instant like it was for me? When your lifespan is 30 days (which I was surprised to learn - I thought maybe a few days at most!), does a minute seem like weeks? A human's lifespan is about 29,000 days longer than a fly's!

Awesome!

“fish & chips”

“those damn mini carrot cakes from Costco - we will never buy them again as I could not resist their siren call in the middle of the night - who am I fooling? They called me 24/7 as if they were made with heroin and not just plain sugar…”

“great garlic harvest on a beautiful day”

melting brain

 It's another scorcher! I think it's the hottest day yet and here I am, freshly out of the pool and clean from my outdoor shower. I had a good workout today - I felt stronger than I have for a while…  I'm in bliss! Peaceful easy feeling washes over me whenever I take a moment to be grateful for life. It's hard to be unhappy these days!

Yesterday was our 36th anniversary! We went out for supper with Julie & Peter, Ken & Francine, just to the Works for burgers. Somehow the Keg seemed like too big of a slab of meat. Julie & Peter got married on the same day we did, all those years ago! 

Looking back over those 36 years, it seems like it's been a very gentle rollercoaster ride and as the years pass, it just keeps getting better and smoother. Every obstacle that we've faced together has strengthened our relationship - I feel lucky to go through life with someone who has my back and is there when I need him most. He never fails to show up on my dark days. 

I think the heat is melting my brain and making me maudlin! 

I just recently discovered k.d. lang and I feel like I've missed out on her beautiful voice all these years! I saw a youtube video of an opera singer watching her sing ‘Hallelujah’ for the first time - he was blown away and went over some of the highlights and how they show such tremendous talent. I believe Leonard Cohen said that she sung it best!

okay… it's f'n hot out today! I'm sweating already and am not sure if I'll be able to spend the afternoon outside 😱  Maybe I need to get the fan out. The crazy thing is my body does not like the heat and I can start feeling sick pretty fast if I can't get cool. I've always been like that but some of my medications made it worse, however,  I love the heat and there are only a few things that feel more awesome than getting hot and cooling down in the pool… summers would suck pretty hard for me without it. A lake or ocean would be nice too :-)

So while I'm ‘suffering’ in the heat, Carm is suffering in the dentist chair - which is downtown in the city, so not only does he have to endure a filling, he also has to battle horrendous traffic to get there and home.

Humidex is 41 at 1:30pm… forecast to be 43 by 3pm when we take the dogs to get their nails trimmed. Yikes - two dogs in a hot car…

Oh, I have to ask you a favour… a few months ago I got a tub of creatine to add to my morning protein shake… it's supposed to be good for muscle growth, and a bunch of other good things, however! Some brief research revealed that it triggers hypomania for some people… am I one of those people? At the time I wasn't ready to risk it since I was going through so much on the tamoxifen. Well, the other day I did some more research, this time going beyond the one study. There are lots (it seems) of people that have no trouble at all, some felt just a tiny boost in mood and energy, although there were a few people that did trigger a stronger response… so… I'm giving it a try but will be on the lookout for mood changes. If you notice that my writing seems a little ‘out there’, please let me know! (I know I'm blathering on more than usual, but I only started taking it yesterday so there would be no effect yet - the people who it affected, didn't start to see changes for 2 weeks… so it’s just my normal spectrum).

I'm not too worried as I've got a strong habit of checking in with myself… but sometimes I am too paranoid and freak out at the smallest change… and surely having some days with more energy would be considered normal? I've spent so many years in a bit of a daze and struggle with energy most days, mostly triggered by my meds… I'll take it day by day and rely heavily on Carm to be a bellwether.

… past supper time… the deck has been ‘put to bed’ for the next few days - there's lots of rain in the forecast tomorrow and if I'm honest, a little break from the sun is a good thing! I'll spend the morning getting Lupa trimmed up and the afternoon with my parents 😀 

Awesome!

“36 good years”

“sweat”

“stretching out on my deck chair, feeling like a cat in a sunspot”

“peaceful easy feeling”

“burgers with friends”

“my little corner of paradise”