chateau earwig

It hardly seems possible but here we are, September 22nd and the deck plants are inside. We also started bringing furniture in too - sofa, and green chairs from the pool level. Tomorrow we'll bring a few more things in - I have to pace myself!

The weather has certainly become more fall-like, with frost warnings overnight and low mid-day temperatures. I definitely needed a sweater outside, despite the sunshine! And thankfully there is enough wind to flummox even the most determined mosquito…

It's been a busy few days or at least it's felt that way… Saturday we spent part of the day at ‘Heating up the Capital’ hot sauce festival. Olaf aka ‘Uncle Awful’, had a booth showcasing his flight of hot sauces and people were all over it! There seemed to always be a line to try a taste and it seemed that most people left with at least one bottle! It was an awesome day - so much fun to see Olaf in his element. The weather was perfect as well, with slightly cool temps but a blazing sun.

After the hot sauce festival we raced to Marie's house (across the street from us) to be there for the Monarch butterfly release. It was pretty cool to see it warm its wings in the sun before taking off into the trees. The lady figured that it would reach Kingston which is about 90 miles away as the ‘butterflies fly’, by Sunday or maybe not until Monday, and there it would start the long journey to Mexico.

And how did I fare… not great although not the worst either. I was totally wiped by the time we got home so crashed for the rest of the day. Carm left soon after we got home for his annual ‘Friendly Golf League’ supper - I indulged in tons of junk food…

Sunday was not the greatest… lots of fatigue and sick feeling - I was definitely experiencing PEM, or post-exertional malaise… I took it easy all day so it didn't get worse. But gosh! I can usually keep a positive and hopeful mindset, but I'll admit to a few minutes of frustration and tears. I flipped out on Carm for no reason - I felt terrible about letting him take the brunt of my outburst as he's been a great support and certainly doesn't deserve my rants!

Today is much better although I think I'm still experiencing the tail end of PEM… but that didn't stop me from helping Carm start to get the deck cleared off. The sofa came in - there'd been some sort of creature on the deck so I didn't want to risk it being a desirable spot to create a nest for the winter! Then Carm did the heavy work of bringing the plants in… I carried some light ones, but otherwise mostly just manned the door. A few extra chairs made it into the basement as well. Still lots to go but we are on track.

Oh, and I got stung on my wrist while I was washing out the tubs that the indoor plants will sit in - it hurts like crazy and I feel a bit derpy from the benadryl!

Awesome!

“feeling mostly okay for 15 full days”

“biggest job done - plants inside’

“Uncle Awful”

“butterflies”

“sunny day”

when Im 64

Day fifteen!

Time is flying by, despite my rather limited life! I’m doing a bit better everyday at my current level of activity but I'll give it another few days before I add a bit of structured movement (well, I cheated a bit and did 2 reps of 4 ab exercises - not enough to feel even slightly tired but a start!). 

I even felt good enough to dance a little bit - is it even possible to sit still while listening to ‘rasputin’ by BoneyM? You've probably seen Tom Hiddleston going crazy dancing to it! My footwork is not as fancy, but my enthusiasm matches his!

It dark when my eyes flipped open Wednesday night - I rolled over to check the clock and YES! It was past midnight so officially my birthday - I was free to start my sugar extravaganza - a bowl of Captain Crunch eaten in the dim light from the pantry. The day was off to a good start!

Carm helped me get ready for our lunch guests - Mom, Dad, and Kirsten with Basel joined us for what other than tomato sandwiches on focaccia… so original! We had fun with the dogs too 😀 . Lupa went crazy at first, but then mostly settled down. The dogs went crazy when they spotted Kirsten's car coming into the laneway but! I was able to call them back from the door to put them into their crates - they actually listened during all that excitement!

While Kirsten was here, we practiced the ‘hot zone’ game. I'd been practicing a bit for the last week so the dogs knew the drill and did well with the extra distraction. Then we had a short walk in the field to get the ‘ya yas’ out. It worked - all dogs crashed when we got back inside. It's funny watching them try to run through grass that for some of them, is higher than their heads!

Oh, after lunch, we piled into Kirsten's car for a trip to Dairy Queen for a Skor blizzard. I'm sure that's what kept me going for the rest of the afternoon. But when everyone left, I crashed on the sofa for the rest of the day. A few weeks ago I would have been in bed for the rest of the day feeling sick and miserable. Not so yesterday!

Tuesday night Pat came for supper to celebrate her birthday which was last week. On Facebook, I'd stumbled upon a ‘vegan date & walnut cake’ which was super easy to make and delicious. It was mostly sweetened by dates and only had ⅓ cup of brown sugar. I might try making it with almond flour.

My birthday present arrived Tuesday afternoon so while Carm and Pat watched violent TV, I played with my new fitness watch (Garmin vivoactive 6). Mental challenges are as exhausting as walking miles! My brain was fried by the time I got everything figured out making it almost impossible to think clearly… and then again Wednesday, most of my energy was burned by my brain! In the end, it's all set up! I love it!

Give me your answer, fill in a form,

Mine forevermore.

Will you still need me, will you still feed me,

When I'm sixty four? Ho!

I created a custom activity to track how much time I spend in the kitchen doing stuff - this is what tends to burn me out as it adds up quickly. Wednesday I made 2 batches of focaccia and by the end of the day I'd spent around 2 hours in total in the kitchen! I was tired but not exhausted - there's a difference!

Was today my last swim? The forecast is for cool weather going forward so my 20 second dip this afternoon might be my last for 2026, but we shall see! Perhaps I am more beluga whale than human! It warmed up to 19C so maybe…

Awesome!

“feeling mostly okay for 15 full days”

“a beautiful morning with sunshine and no mosquitos”

“turning 64! I made it!”

https://youtu.be/fsKvmFy5pQg?si=OBa1Bl2gxfE6dXRy 

eleven days

Day eleven!

It's been a good stretch of feeling a bit tired, and occasionally nausea (honestly, lunch of broccoli & sardines makes me gag)... but nothing like what I was experiencing before. There was only one afternoon where I spent time resting in bed (that was after taking the dogs to the vet). Overall, I think I've found the sweet spot of activity - I can do more than I thought but less than I'd like! No treadmill or other exercise for another few weeks but I can see that I'll be increasing activity slightly in another week or two of relative stability.

If I pace myself properly I can actually get quite a bit done - I've roasted several zucchini, made flavoured salt again - this time Thai Awry - Thai basil, garlic, and Olaf's ‘Awry & Ginger’. It’s a flavour bomb! I've harvested some cherry tomatoes and packaged them into the freezer - little orbs of summer delight for winter stews.

I've been playing with the dogs - getting out the clicker for some fun games. It’s been years since I've done much with them - they get pretty excited when I get all the training stuff out. I can take the dogs outside a few times during the day, including one slow walk to the end of the field and back. 

TV and videos are still a bit hard - reels of music etc are energy neutral, but anything that uses my brain wears me out quickly. Still, I'm able to watch some things! And of course music energizes me - my ‘Thrive’ playlist is wearing out!

The trend is in the right direction!

Carm has noticed the trend to normal and said that he didn't think it would go this well!

I’ve been reflecting on how different bipolar depression is from the feeling of discouragement that I sometimes have whispers of. Being discouraged feels temporary and not all consuming. It's more like a cloak and not my whole being. It doesn't turn the world grey and there is always a thread of hope and belief that it will pass. Depression feels like it will be for eternity making life too hard to live. It feels heavy and a bit like that rock in Greek mythology. It's grey and black and fog and neverending rain. 

It’s the same thing with fatigue - there are differences. Bipolar depression fatigue is real - it feels heavy and like I'm walking through water. Pushing through it often helps and can even energize me. It makes the depression a bit easier to bear for a while. I’ve gotten good at pushing myself when I feel tired or overwhelmed… which has served me well in the past but not so much now!

The fatigue that I've been experiencing lately is different. It feels like the energy is gone from every cell and when I’m having a bad day, even holding my head up is hard. I notice how still I am - just shifting my weight sitting down is hard. I notice in the car how much effort it takes to stabilise myself when braking or turning a corner - it's exhausting - even as a passenger! The visuals of traffic and scenery passing quickly is tiring. If I continue to push through I feel worse and worse. Over exertion in bipolar depression doesn't last. For me now though - over exertion sets me back days… 

But! I've got 11 days of stability under my belt!

Two different illnesses… two different approaches!

I know I've been repetitive but I'm trying to drill into my head that I have to slow down to get better! If I say it over and over, maybe it will sink in! Being patient does not come naturally to me!

This has been the summer of mosquitos! We've had so much rain and never had even a hint of drought this summer. The field still has areas of squishy waterlogged ground. We haven't been able to sit outside on the deck for weeks now :-( I guess if I didn't mind dousing myself with mosquito repellant but honestly, it doesn't seem worth bathing in toxic chemicals.

The mosquitos have also kept us home from the villetta for another week - it's West Nile season and there have been pockets found in the area - I really can't risk getting sick. But I wanted to go so badly! We need to keep the dogs getting together as Basel grows up…

Awesome!

“feeling mostly okay for 11 full days”

“2 days without rain”

“tomato sandwiches still appear on the supper table!”

“Thai Awry salt on crackers with processed cheese and strawberry jam”

three in a row

Day three!

Yesterday was another great day, with perhaps a bit less energy than Thursday, but still pretty decent. I wasn't quite as busy but still puttered around getting a few minor things accomplished. I'd had a really lousy sleep going into Friday so had to scale back to keep within my energy envelope. At the end of the day, I still had energy left and had no ‘hungover’ feeling!

Today was more of the same :-) It's the end of the day and I still feel good!

I'm feeling pretty optimistic!

There's not much on the internet about recovery programs for me/cfs so I guess I'm lucky to have stumbled on something that seems like it might work. And no pills or devices… Hopefully it’s legit, but the person who created the program is just ‘some guy’ who spent 4 years of his youth with cfs. He has no credentials other than anecdotal. I'm not a scientist but it seems plausible that his program might work. I've read in multiple places that pushing through the fatigue creates a cycle of crashes that slowly lower your baseline until you are basically bedbound… I think I nipped it in the bud (fingers crossed).

I have no idea how possible this is when life actually happens… Tuesday will be a test as I have to take the dogs to the vet by myself which will involve 45 minutes of driving - actual driving, not just being a passenger - and then wrangling the dogs in the vet office. They are not well behaved out of the house!

Yesterday I made two jars of basil/scape salt - it's pretty easy to do: harvest basil, chop scapes, whizz scapes & basil in a food processor until finely chopped, add salt, pulse a few times to mix, then dehydrate! Today I made ‘Tropical Bromance’ salt from one of Olaf's new hot sauces. I love the ‘Tears of Agnes’ purple salt so figured I'd try another flavour. 

I'd not checked the zucchini patch for a few days… yikes! Carm picked 7 (yes SEVEN) big yellow ones this morning… I've just finished roasting a big green one that I picked a few days ago and I have another big green one to roast later in the weekend…  now 7 more… I took a ‘stroll’ through the freezer and saw that I have grated zucchini leftover from last year so obviously not the best way to preserve. I did use all the packages of roasted zucchini - I like tossing it in with pasta!

The airfryer will be doing extra duty this weekend!

I know I've been repetitive but I'm trying to drill into my head that I have to slow down to get better! If I say it over and over, maybe it will sink in! Being patient does not come naturally to me!

Awesome!

“feeling okay for 3 full days!”

“swim before lunch”

“watching Grace play on her bong”

out of the pit

Today I finally climbed out of the pit that I dug myself last week… one full week to recover from a busy day… I woke up feeling pretty good and still do now (7pm), after a slightly busy day although I have made sure to have lots of rest periods between activities. I'll know tomorrow if it was too much for one day.

I've started noting all activities that I do so that I can start to figure out my baseline… I've also watched the video and listened to the chapter in the book about recovery again (and again!). I'll get this figured out but expect that it might be a bit of trial and error.

It's hard to scale back activity and tasks when I feel energy though!

Carm helped get the last batch of tomato sauce made - leaving a platter of ripe tomatoes on the counter - hopefully enough for a few more nights of tomato sandwiches. The garden is more or less bare of the juicy red fruit… This year we only got 6 containers of sauce… I'll have to use it carefully over the winter. But it's also good not to have a giant task hanging over our heads.

I'm pretty sure that last year we had tomatoes on the counter until November! Not so lucky this year :-(

Speaking of tasks though… zucchini continues to crowd the kitchen counter. I made some scarpaccia this morning, but it didn't turn out very well. Maybe I'll roast a bunch to have in the freezer - it's nice to toss in a tomato sauce or soup mid winter.

The beauty of the day mirrored my mood - a beautiful day with a mix of sun and cloud… but no rain… today… last night we had 1.5 inches (42mm). Today we had a short break from flying intruders though! We bathed the dogs without being attacked by mossies, and I was able to sit outside for a while - perhaps there was a bit of wind keeping them at bay? They did eventually drive me back into the house though…  We took advantage of the sunshine to get the dogs bathed, and of course to dip our toes in the cool (cold!) water. I can't remember when I'd last swam!

I had my last appointment (touch wood!) with the oncologist yesterday - she gave me a clean bill of health! Hurrah! On the same day, my friend had a full masectomy… she'll have a much harder road than I did - yet again, I was lucky and I am grateful.

Awesome!

“feeling okay for a full day!”

“dancing in the water in the grass”

“finding new music (Cassandra Wilson)”

“a break from the mosquitos”

“feeling okay after an active day”

“making a proper supper after a week of no cooking”

salty

How many days ago was it that I last wrote? Ah, almost a week. What have I done all week? As it turns out, quite a lot! But not too much!

Last Sunday afternoon we piled into the car for the trip to the viletta. We departed in the rain but luckily it dried up when we got there so we could take the dogs out for a short walk with Basel. The cousins were excited to see each other again - but this time Lupa and Basel played for a bit - she was intense but not aggressive - I was happy that it went so well. Eventually they got distracted by coyote smells by the pear tree.

I'd brought focaccia and tomatoes from the garden for a simple supper (I made the focaccia earlier in the week and stashed it in the freezer). It wasn't a late night though - I was beat by 8:30 with just enough energy left to walk the dogs down the road.

Monday morning the RV repair guy came to evaluate the damage from the lightning strike July 1st. We've got a plan and are now waiting for parts and availability. Kirsten and I (and Basel) drove into town to the pet store and our annual Skor Blizzard! Yum. I'm pretty sure my illness is just a sugar deficiency ;-) For supper Kirsten made sweet potato tacos 😀

We came home Tuesday morning after a coffee with Kirsten (and Basel). I managed 2 days at the trailer without a big PEM crash afterwards, although I did spend a lot of time on the sofa feeling not exactly awesome the next day! But it was better than I'd hoped for. In fact, Wednesday I pulled it together enough to have Kari and Kirsten over for lunch (tomato sandwiches again)... Again, I didn't have a big crash.

The dogs got more time to bond while we had lunch! Lupa wasn't feeling well though so she skipped out on playing…

Thursday I made 2 trays of focaccia, tomato sauce, cooked potatoes, and prepped some stuff for supper. There was also a trip to the groomers with the dogs. By the time Pat arrived, I was done for and starting to feel pretty sick. There were a few moments when I thought I'd collapse onto the floor, but powered through. When we sat at the table I wasn't sure if I'd be able to eat, but somehow managed to scarf down a big steak and some of Carm's too! Pat had brought a cake for dessert (yum!). I crashed in bed while they caught up on the ‘Reacher’ series!

It was too much to do in one day. Carm is a great help but I feel bad asking him to do more and more. He already carries the biggest load around the house! But, as I am learning more about recovery, it seems that getting more help now will eventually lead to needing none!

Friday I had a bit of a crash day which has lasted into today, but again, not as hard as a few weeks ago. I'm exhausted and weak but not nauseous or feeling hungover. I haven't done more than the bare essentials, and I did slice a giant zucchini with the mandolin (which left my arms feeling like rubber!) but I think I've found a baseline… no treadmill yet, but an hour of kitchen time interspersed through the day, plus a 10 minute walk in the field with the dogs and butterflies, a bit more time in the kitchen, and some light puttering around the house seems to be good. I'll try to stick with that for another week, then I'll reevaluate if I can add 10 minutes on the treadmill.

Go slow to go fast!

This morning I made some ‘Tears of Agnes’ finishing salt from one of Olaf's hot sauces. It turned out good and was awesome on a hard-boiled egg and later on a tomato… I'll try it on popcorn tomorrow night! I mixed 5 tablespoons of kosher salt with one tablespoon of hot sauce and dehydrated it - next time I'll just use 4 tablespoons of salt to intensify the heat a bit more!

Oh, and the mosquitos are on a whole other level this year. I haven't been on the deck for 2 weeks except for lunch with Kirsten and Kari, but were driven back into the house when we tried to sit on the sofa… just stepping out the door is a bloodbath. I've been wearing a hoodie to take the dogs out - I can pull the hood up and at least protect the back of my head and my ears. My arms flail trying to keep them biting the rest of me.

And the rain! Still the rain! Today we are having sunshine for a change.

Awesome!

“hot sauce salt”

“no rain today”

“the field is a riot of wildflowers and butterflies”

baseline

This is going to be a long and whiney, repetitive post so feel free to skip reading!

The last few days I've been mentally struggling with getting my head around this illness and what it means for me… I'm deep into the book that I downloaded (Get Your Life Back) which is helping but making things worse. It's given me a plan for recovery but honestly, the plan sucks.

I go back and forth on what is real and what I am making up in my head. Is my own brain imagining my fatigue and illness and if I could just convince my brain that I'm actually fine I'd be back to my old self? Or is it real and my body truly is sick - or maybe both can be true at the same time? I feel stuck in this conundrum.

From what I've read, it is a true medical condition where the mitochondria are not working well to produce ATP which is the energy for our cells. There are other aspects to it, but they boil down to this (from what I've understood so far). How did it happen? Sometimes it can be triggered by a cold or flu, or sometimes by extended stress. I didn't have a cold or anything when this all started - although I'm not really sure of the initial stages. Did the stresses of last few years (Mom’s cancer, my cancer, Mom's meningitis, Graham's passing, Dad's failing health, the situation south of the border, pushing myself to exercise and get fit) finally overwhelm my body? I don't know and I guess it doesn't really matter because here I am now.

A few days ago I felt optimistic -  “I've got this”. I'd had a busy week last week which made me feel pretty sick but was recovering and had a few better days. I was keeping within an energy window - in other words I wasn't doing much… I would have a leisurely coffee in the morning, walk for 10 minutes on the treadmill, rest for a while, do 20 or 30 minutes in the kitchen, rest, take the dogs for a 10 minute walk in the field, rest for a few hours, make a simple supper, and maybe some light puttering throughout the day. After 2 days of this I woke up feeling pretty good. Mentally I felt good! Physically, I was a bit fatigued but not dragging myself, and was not feeling nauseous or dizzy. My brain was not in a muddle for a change!

That was a good day. I did my usual morning routine, including 10 minutes on the treadmill (just 10 minutes!), then we went out to a shop in the village - a 30 minute outing. I did a few other things throughout the day but nothing energetic.

The next morning I woke up exhausted, fatigued, and feeling sick to my stomach. One of the hallmarks of me/cfs is ‘post exertional fatigue’ or PEM. It's a 24 - 48 hour delayed response to ‘over-doing’ it. I know that this was not in my head as I was NOT expecting it at all and thought I was starting to be on the mend and that it would be another great day. This was not part of the plan!

From the book, the first step in recovery is finding your ‘baseline’. Or the amount of energy that you can expend without triggering PEM. I guess I've found my baseline and it's not great. It doesn't even include a 30 minute outing! Friday, the first day I crashed, I did the bare minium… no treadmill, minimal time in the kitchen, not much at all. Lots of lying in bed or on the sofa, trying to read or listen to the book but having no luck as my brain fog was brutal.

Yesterday we had to drive to get the dog's raw food - it's a 45 minute drive each way but even as a passenger it was exhausting. We got home, got the food into the freezer (after rearranging and shoehorning in the blocks of food), and then I crashed for the rest of the day. I felt nauseous, dizzy, and exhausted. There were times when I could barely get the energy to take another step. How am I today? Not great but not the worst either, but mornings are usually my best time. I've started doing supper prep in the morning while I still have energy…

So there we have it. My baseline is low. I can barely do anything other than the absolute bare minimum. I cannot get myself to accept this! I'm supposed to find my baseline and stick with it for 2 to 4 weeks until fully stabilised, and then I can add a tiny bit more activity while keeping within my energy budget for another 2 to 4 weeks. This continues until I am recovered in 6 to 12 months. THIS FUCKING SUCKS! How am I supposed to do basically nothing for so long?

We are going to the trailer for 2 nights this afternoon so we'll see how that goes. It's an hour in the car but no traffic so it's a little easier on my brain. Then at the trailer I have to walk the dogs a few times a day. A few weeks ago we were there and I actually had a few good days, so maybe even with the extra walking and socializing I stay within my baseline… or worse, maybe my baseline has gone down even lower since then… I guess the next few days will tell.

I usually go to the trailer with heaps of food, but this time, tomato sandwiches… I did make focaccia on one of my better days last week which has been in the freezer. A tomato sandwich on focaccia is not a hardship and in fact I can eat them day after day without getting tired of them! Thank goodness Carm has no problem eating sandwiches as that's pretty much all I've made lately.

I can see now why so much of the book focuses on mindset and acceptance. It is impossible to recover if you don't accept your limits. This is the hardest part. I don't tend to have a ton of patience and do have the habit of pushing myself. I'm finding it very difficult to accept that this is my reality, at least for the next little while. 

I'll finish with a small whine about missing out on my trip to Alberta for my cousin Aura's wedding… she danced at my wedding as a little toddler - I'd hoped to dance at hers… I don't cry for myself much, but this did bring some tears to my eyes…

—-----------

I have friends going through even worse things so I feel bad about complaining - I have it easy! But I've found that I can have two opposite truths: it sucks, but it's good (i.e. it could be worse). So I'm grateful but railing at the same time! And I see that almost everyone has something that they struggle with - I don't want to dismiss their reality!!! Maybe I've articulated some of their own mental struggles…

 —-----------

The weather has continued to be on and off again. And the mosquitos are still keeping me off the deck :-( Today it is pouring rain… yes, more rain!!! There were even more mosquitos when I took the dogs out a few minutes ago - they seem to be able to manoeuvre through the raindropp. It's been the wettest summer on record - the grass in the hayfield never browned off, the grass on the lawn has been growing at a ferocious rate all summer - no late July/early August reprive…

I'm going to end this by saying that yet again, Carm has been my rock. I don't know what he thinks about all of this but he has been doing double duty in keeping the household going. And all without a complaint, although he did have trouble understanding that I physically couldn't rotate the king size mattress yesterday!

Awesome!

“a freezer full of dog food”

“cheerful budgie chatter”

“and yes, tomato sandwiches again/”

mindset

I got a little bit of puppy therapy this afternoon 😀 Kirsten dropped by with their new family addition, a 13 week old Swiss Mountain/Bernese Mountain dog mix. He's totally adorable and will grow up to be a gorgeous guy! We wanted to introduce him to our crew - Adia was very interested and perhaps a bit pushy with sniffing, while Lupa was totally out of control and had to be leashed the whole time.

We did a lot of approach/retreat which eventually led to her ‘quietly’ sitting - and by quiet, I mean totally focused on the next bit of food I'd give her! Still, it was progress and while it would be great to have a ‘simple’ dog without all her baggage and high anxiety, it's not our reality - at the end of the day, I have to deal with the dog I have in front of me, and not some hypothetical dog that doesn't go to 11 on the dial!

In the same vein, I'm learning to deal with my reality and also learning that I can't force my way to better health… I've been researching me/cfs as that's my likely diagnosis - much tracks exactly, including periods of PEM, or post exertional malaise.  PEM is a delayed response to over exercition, physical, mental, or emotional. It doesn't always show up right away but often the next day or even the day after that. All my years of record keeping is coming in handy - I've even added a few more fields to track energy and level of awfulness so that I can see more detailed trends.

A few days ago, I realized that I could continue to rail and rant against what is happening to me or I could accept that this is my new normal and build from here. I immediately started to feel better, not physically yet, but mentally. Some of my reading is depressing - not everyone gets better - but I've also stumbled on positive ideas for recovery. Some of what I read suggests that pacing and not pushing is what will trigger recovery… I had the start of a plan!

Making that simple change to my thinking made me feel more positive and that I am going to get through this! I started getting videos in my feed from an organization called CFSHealth. They have a 4 week recovery program but it's $500 - I'm not desperate enough for that yet, so I’ll see what I can do on my own.  BUT! Yesterday afternoon a post came up - they also have a book - which turned out to be free through Amazon's music & podcast app! The timing was perfect.

The first few chapters have been about creating a growth and recovery mindset which I was already developing so I'm on the right track. Part of the mindset is taking responsibility and not waiting for someone else to fix it… that's the easy part for me in some ways - I've spent 22 years taking responsibility for bipolar, so this is a natural step.

Now I'm reading about pacing and how important it is to keep within my energy envelope - it boils down to gentle activity with rest periods before my energy is too low. I’ve already adapted to having less energy - I've gotten used to my arms and legs feeling like lead! But now I'm learning how to listen to my body better - when my head starts to get fuzzy and dizzy, and the fatigue drags at me, I stop what I'm doing (this is the hard part! Don't finish the dishes!) and lie down for a little while, then I can build enough energy for another bit of activity. I'm learning that the trick is to stop right away which is against my normal way of being - I tend to push, push, push myself which only sets me back and even lowers my baseline.

So here we are… I'm learning to listen to my body and to be patient with myself. It is what it is, and fighting it was just making me progressively worse. But now I have a guideline and a plan! This is what I'm good at!

Through all of that, we had a busy week that I'm finally recovering from - no nausea or dizziness for me at all today or yesterday… 

Last Tuesday we had supper out with Leo & Eleanor, then Wednesday Tina & Bruce came for supper and the night. They left around 11am Thursday, so I rested for a few hours before heading to my parents for a farewell dinner for Kari. It was not a great night for me - I felt awful: sick and tired. The fatigue is bad - it can be like moving through quicksand, but the sick feeling is horrible. I had to leave the table after I finished eating to lie down in a chair. I had flights to Alberta for my cousin's wedding - leaving tomorrow - but I realized that there was no way my body would deal with 6 days of travel… luckily it wasn't a huge penalty to cancel my trip. I'm sad not to go and will miss out (too much FOMO!), but it was a relief as I honestly didn't know how I would pull it off!

So much for the shoe shopping!

Anyway, Friday was a rest day, with a bit of cooking to prepare for Sunday. Saturday was Trudie's celebration of life. We gathered at the cemetery - it was a beautiful day - and then reconvened at a community centre for some reminiscing. I think Trudie would have been (mostly) happy with how it turned out…

Sunday Jo Ellen, Don, Deirdre, and Chris came for lunch - how many years did I have morning coffee with Jo Ellen and Chris. I'd need more than my fingers and toes to count them out. Tomato sandwiches again! The joy of August has to be the never ending stream of tomato sandwiches! Wednesday second supper, Friday supper for just Carm and I, Sunday lunch, last night's supper, and finally today's lunch with Kirsten. All on tasty homemade focaccia! I made a new batch of focaccia to take to Kirsten's next weekend for yes, more tomato sandwiches! hurray!

Yesterday Mom & Dad dropped by to bring their budgies for us to babysit for a few weeks :-) They are a bit freaked out still, but eating and starting to sing a bit. It's a lot for them to take in!

I do have one major complaint to make though… the mosquitos are HORRIBLE! They swarm as soon as you step out the door. Even the back deck is uninhabitable… I tried with no luck to read outside this afternoon. We took down the shade and came inside. Boo hiss! There isn't much summer left for the deck. We've never seen them so thick and aggressive. I can't recall ever being forced inside from the deck except at dusk. Never during the day 😞 

We have been seeing lots of giant dragonflies though! Did you know that hummingbirds also eat tons of flying insects?

Awesome!

“tomato sandwiches”

“Kirsten's new puppy”

“a visit from Mom & Dad”

“friends together”

7 zucchini on the counter

So much time has passed since I last wrote (July 20th!) but nothing much has changed. Summer is racing by and it seems like it will be a short one this year 😞 It started late and the weather forecast going forward isn't great… last week we had 217mm of rain - that's over 7inches! The hayfield swale is still draining water, the creek was in flood, and the ground everywhere is saturated. It's the total opposite of last summer which was such a drought that even the car wash places were closed!

Today is gorgeous though! I stupidly wrote down the wrong time for my doctor's appointment this morning so I drove all the way there and back for nothing - 55 minutes wasted - dooh! That used up my allotment of energy for the day but luckily Carm was back from golf to drive me back this afternoon.

I did get some time to sit outside! Last week we had so many rainy days, and then there are the days when it's too much effort to even take the cover off the sofa out there so today was a bonus :-)

I still don't know what's wrong with me… 😞 My doctor and his resident are leaning towards me/cfs but I have more blood tests to rule out a few other things. I thought I was starting to be on the mend last week so started with a bit of time in the kitchen, then after a few days 10 minutes of walking, gradually increasing to 20 minutes, but then I hit a wall again and I'm back to barely able to do anything. My arms and legs feel like jelly… Even cooking can be a trial as I get so tired that it's all I can do to stay standing up - at times I feel such a strong need to lie down that the floor seems an option -  I've managed to keep upright so far!

It wouldn't be so bad (yeah right), except that when I get really tired it's like having a horrible hangover - my head gets foggy and dizzy and I feel nauseous on top of barely being able to move. It's really frustrating! I am so over this!!! It's time to get better now! I keep singing a little song to myself about all my cells being happy and healthy which may or may not help (but doesn't seem to hurt at least!).

We spent a few days at the trailer last week with Kirsten. Carm didn't have golf so he hung around as well. We did discover that a lightning strike took out our tv, furnace and airconditioner… luckily we had cool nights so we were able to sleep. We met up with the insurance adjuster yesterday to get the ball moving. It's too hot for the next week to do sleep-overs there though!

Kirsten and I spent some time at a dog show that wasn't too far away - she was interested in the St. Bernards (and we saw a couple of very sweet dogs). I don't need another dog at the moment but did meet two ladies with schnauzers and gosh, I was very tempted to get another puppy - which would be absolute insanity right now with my energy levels!!! But wouldn't it be fun for Lupa to have a sister her own size 😀 

Oh, and we went shoe shopping one day when I was feeling a bit better. I ended up with two pairs to try out at home - I like to test them out on the treadmill to see if they'll work on my fussy feet! I'm keeping both pairs ;-)  One is a pretty pair with sparkles (of course!) to wear for dress up times, and the other is a platform shoe, less dressy but still nice. Two weeks today I leave for my cousin's wedding in Medicine Hat and now have my dress and shoes sorted!

I see that I mentioned doing a ‘stress test’ in my last post. Well, I did it and it went well. It showed something possibly unrelated, but overall it said I had above average fitness and the technician mentioned that my heart rate recovered quickly. So at least my heart has been ruled out! My blood work ruled out iron, thyroid, b12, d, blood sugar, etc. Which is good I guess, although I'd hoped it was just a low iron issue which would be easily sorted out!

I have been complaining about my energy levels, but I guess I'd be remiss if I didn't also mention the heaps of zucchini that I've been dealing with! I made 2 loaves of a lemon zucchini cake last week. Then I used the mandolin to do long thin slices that I layered with homemade tomato sauce like lasagne. I cooked it for a bit, and then cut it up and airfried sandwich sized pieces. A sandwich with prosciutto (the one processed meat that I will eat as it has no additives), some black olives, fresh mozzarella, and a stack of zucchini slices makes a 5 star meal! So messy but delicious. I had it again tonight - yum!

Monday I thinly sliced some zucchini for a salad, but never got around to adding the dressing (which I did make)… tomorrow I might mix them with a homemade pesto, eggs, and lay them out on a baking sheet to cook. Maybe for a sandwich or maybe just to eat plain.

Well, this was just a whining post. I know that others have it so much worse than I do so I feel guilty about complaining… I try to keep that in mind and to be grateful for everything good in my life!

Awesome!

“the rain finally ending - should we start building an ark?”

“getting sandals!”

“lots of zucchini”

“just one schnauzer who likes to cuddle against me”

what is lovely never dies

We lost a dear friend yesterday. Trudie was an incredible woman, full of energy and life. There was never a person that she wouldn't give the shirt off her back. She was generous almost to a fault. And she was always up for a party! Trudie & Leo were neighbors to the west of us, a mere kilometre of farm fields between our homes. Over the decades, many nights were spent together - the weather was never too bad for supper and a glass of wine (or two).

Trudie had a green thumb the size of a planet - her yard was filled to the brim with plants, flowering and otherwise. She and Leo would shlep pots and pots to and from the greenhouse every spring and fall, creating a backyard paradise. Her two magnolia trees in the back were magnificent! We have a giant Katalpa tree that was a baby from the giant one in their backyard.

We always figured she'd be close to immortal as her strength of will seemed impossible to tamp down, but alas, her body betrayed her and struck her down with PSP (Progressive supranuclear palsy), which is related to Parkinson's. It took her quickly. But now she is with all her dogs, birds, cats, and other creatures that she loved so much.

We got the call yesterday morning so quickly got cleaned up and drove to their new place a few villages away so that we'd be with Leo when they came to get her. It was sad for sure… We stayed with Leo then drove Andre home… my head was spinning for the rest of the afternoon…

This morning a bunch of us gathered with Leo for breakfast at our local greasy spoon. We made a pact to stay in touch… Trudie was the central character in our friend group. 

Again, I was exhausted when we got home so stayed in bed until supper time. Sometimes even sitting up seems too hard. I've been keeping my daily steps low which helps a bit, but I don't feel like I'll be on the treadmill anytime soon. I'm scared that I'll get stuck mentally and keep myself feeling low even if my body has recovered… am I really tired or just tired because I keep telling myself I am?

Tomorrow I have a treadmill stress test at the Heart Institute which will hopefully exclude any heart problems (and honestly, that is the last thing that I think is wrong with me - I think my heart, while weird at times, works pretty well!). My follow up appointment is in two weeks but I'm hoping for a miraculous recovery by then!

What is lovely never dies, but passes into another loveliness, star-dust or sea-foam, flower or winged air." — Thomas Bailey Aldrich

Awesome!

“friends coming together”

“eggs benedict”

“zucchini from the garden!”