good morning

 Good morning! We were a awake early 😀 

raindrops

 This morning we wildly changed up our routine by going to the beach first to get prime seats before going for breakfast! So many options… food first? beach first? Our chairs were under a low palm shelter which gave us good shade right from the beginning, and as it turned out, good cover from the pouring rain!

Yes, it started raining around 1pm, just after we'd finished our lunch… we were 5 minutes from leaving to come back to our room but our timing was off. But hey! We got to experience rain on the beach! We waited for about 20 minutes but there was no sign of it letting up so we bundled all our belongings into bags and under towels and dashed to our room getting soaked to the skin… as we got back to our room the thunder started. 

When we first settled into our chairs at the beach this morning we tried to take a dip in the ocean but the waves were crashing into the shore, threatening to knock us down into the surf, so we hit up the infinity pool which was as close as the ocean where we met Jackie & Mike from Nova Scotia. We've met many many Canadians here. Punta Cana is also known affectionately as Punta Canada as it is a favourite vacation spot for us northerners!

And so the morning went: a dip in the pool, back to the beach, into the pool, into the ocean, and a lovely 1km walk down the beach! Yes! I was able to walk that far without feeling worse! Bare feet on the sand with waves gently whooshing over our feet must be healing 😀 if not physically at least spiritually.

Christina, our new friend from last night, is a nurse and a personal trainer so I capitalized on her expertise to ask about my arm pain that I've been having, despite lots of stretching. She gave me a few pointers and WOW! It's about 70% better! I know what to work on so hopefully I'll be back to normal soon!

Time flew by this afternoon as we anxiously awaited for 4pm… why you ask? Well, we both had our first ever massages! Bliss! I could feel every knot and tight muscle being released… it was perhaps the quickest 50 minutes ever… too bad air travel didn't pass so quickly and easily… but I digress. I'll investigate options in our neighbourhood once we are home!

We were limp but hungry afterwards so we popped into the bar near the beach for a gin & tonic, then to the Mexican restaurant for supper. There's just too much food! I haven't had room for dessert yet! Not that I'm trying to avoid it. I find that by the end of the day, my energy is flagging which drops my appetite down too, although honestly, having an appetizer and then a main course is enough!

Awesome!

“cosy in our room with the sound of rain pouring down”

“walking on the beach”

new friends

 We've fallen into a comfortable (and healing) routine… Up earlish, breakfast at the restaurant by the beach, then we spend the morning into the afternoon at the beach - water and sand! Isn't ‘grounding’ a thing? Sometimes we have lunch while still at the beach and sometimes back in our room. The hamburgers at the beach are fantastic and the salsa for the nacho chips is fresh and tasty. Today we ate at the beach, went into the sea one last time before coming back to our room.

Tomorrow morning we might take our floaties so that we can bob in the gentle swell of the undulating ocean - that would be pretty calming!

A dip in our own pool refreshed us for more relaxation… I feel spoiled! Today I feel recovered from the previous stressful days and I only expect to feel better and better as the days pass.

Tonight, after a rest and refresh, we ventured out for supper dressed in our finest. It was too early for the restaurant so we enjoyed a gin & tonic (hi Edna!) at the bar to whet our appetite. We were just about to leave when the couple that sat next to us a few nights ago passed by with the same destination - dinner company! It started a bit awkwardly as we sussed each other out, but soon conversation was flowing and we were having a great time. One of the things we loved about crusing was meeting people so we were delighted to have the same experience here! We exchanged contact details and hopefully we'll see them again sometime!

After we all turned down dessert, we went our separate ways… us back to crash in our room. We are lightweights! We had in our minds that we'd head back out to see the show at nine… that obviously was not happening!

All in all it was an excellent day and I ended it feeling as good as I started! I am confident that tomorrow will be a great day too! I just have to figure out a way to sleep through the night…

Awesome!

“the sun”

“the feeling of the sun on my skin - I've got plenty of sunscreen on and am actually still pretty white! Carm however has a bit of a sunburn…”

“meeting new people”

“feeling great at the end of the day!”

"Christina & Clive"

are we crazy

 I’m not sure how it happened or why… perhaps all the sugar in the giant pina colada or maybe all the meat or I'm going hypo-manic, but by the end of the day yesterday I was feeling better than I was in the morning! I have a little mantra in my head: ‘the sun and sand is healing and nurturing’... and of course the little ditty: ‘every little cell inside my body is happy and well. I'm so glad, every single cell is happy and glad’. Maybe I'm starting to trick my nervous system into relaxing!

After a day in the heat, and then a rest in our freezing room, I got ready for supper starting off with a bubble bath in the giant tub :-) I was even feeling good enough to get slightly dressed up. We ate at the Mexican restaurant - the food was delicious BUT we have to be more careful about what we say to the waiters… we ordered fajitas but told the waiter that next time we'd order the chef's special grill. Well, they brought us BOTH! Yikes! It was a plethora of meat - skewers of beef, chicken, shrimp, sausage on a hot grill that they put on the table. And then a sizzling platter of beef fajita. Oh boy. It was a bit off-putting to be honest.

We chatted with a nice couple from Ohio (no politics!!!) during dinner. One of the things we enjoyed about cruising was meeting with different people. It's a bit harder here as we aren't all jammed together but I guess we managed! It was also nice to be able to escape to our private oasis :-) The best of both!

It was another early night so we were up early today, leaving us enough time for breakfast at the preferred restaurant. I had eggs benedict which was good but not as good as our local restaurant. But the serving size was good with only one egg and half an english muffin. Even that, along with cups of coffee and TWO mimosas left me stuff to the gills… oh and the little pastry to start 😱 

We mooched around (listening to a presentation about the vacation plan which drained most of my energy…) and then spent the rest of the afternoon by our little pool which is just what I needed to recover from our morning adventures. Even with a bit of construction noise, it was a relaxing and rejuvenating afternoon :-) We dressed up again for supper tonight. I wore a slightly slinky dress (while I can still fit into it! All-inclusive is filling!). 

We went to the French restaurant tonight… the food was good but then I started to freak out worried that the scallops might have squid in them (I'm horribly allergic!). I was already pretty wiped out from the day but when the waiter put my main dish in front of me I fully crashed! It was a huge lamb shank, not at all like the osso bucco that I was expecting and instead was an overwhelming huge plate of meat… I could barely eat any of it :-( I'd hit my energy limit for the day… Today was especially stressful but I know tomorrow will be better.

Awesome!

“the sun”

“beach front breakfast”

“some of the staff already know our names!”

“plans for the future”

up up and away

 Up up and away! 

We made it here in the early afternoon Sunday after a rather grueling day… up at 2am, flight at 6am was a rough start to the day. I felt really weird about it but a few people recommended a wheelchair for the airport and I was so glad that I did, especially as I was already dizzy and fatigued by the time we reached the airport... There would have been a lot of walking and it also saved me from ages standing in line. Because of the short night sleep my battery started off low and took a nose dive with the travel. 

It's pretty confronting to realize that this is where I am now... but! I'm going to get better.

We had more good luck on the flight as it wasn't full and we have started doing a ‘cheat’ of booking window and aisle hoping for an empty middle - and we lucked out! So I was able to stretch out a bit and have my feet up which really helped! It was a godsend!

Unfortunately the wheelchair never showed up at the airport in Punta Cana so I ended up walking which was okay… but it wore me out even more… by the time we got to the resort my body battery from my Garmin watch was at 23/100… with the rest of the day ahead of us…

It turned out that we had a private transfer from the airport to the resort so we were on our way as soon as we wound ourselves through the airport. It seems that the driver was in a rush to get us to the resort… Carm was hanging on for dear life (I just closed my eyes but even still was having heart palpitations)... the traffic was heavy and fast and he drove like a maniac weaving and passing… Carm thought he should tip us for the trip instead of the other way around!

Once here the resort staff escorted us into the preferred lounge to check-in - nice and cool and quiet after the hubbub of travel. Our room wasn't ready yet, so our (shared) butler! drove us to the preferred restaurant for lunch, picked us up to bring us to the lounge to finish waiting for our room to be done. Then Edgar came to pick us up, brought our luggage, and voila! We were quickly unpacked and settled in - just in time for a short swim in our private pool! Luxury!

We took a quick walk to the beach and then crashed out in our room for a while before going for supper. By this time my BB was at 5 - the lowest setting… Everything is a million miles away which last year would have made me happy, but this year, I calculate what each thing is going to cost me… by the time supper was done I was so exhausted that I could barely stand up - getting back to our room took a herculean effort… I had to stop several times and could barely put one foot in front of the other… but I made it back, got into pjs, then crashed for the night. Carm was tired too so our lights were out by 8:30!

So much has changed in the year since our trip with Olaf & Steph. I was in the best shape of my adult life and now I can barely walk - DON'T TAKE ANYTHING FOR GRANTED!!!

Today has been restful :-) A good sleep-in, then breakfast at the restaurant near the beach, a few hours of lazing on the beach, back to our room for a swim and rest, lunch in the buffet, and now, back in our room… or should I say patio as we are outside enjoying the weather. And honestly, we have to come outside to warm up - they keep the rooms at arctic temps! I was glad I brought a pair of lounge pants and a sweatshirt ‘just in case’... well, the case is here!

Tripping back home to the weekend… Pat came Saturday at supper time to get settled in - the dogs were happy to see her! I know that the pets are in good hands with her there :-)

Awesome!

“getting here safely”

“dappled sun on our terrace”

“cold water in our pool”

“getting great chairs on the beach”

“amazing staff”

buckets of zucchini

 Hold the boat! There are still a few smaller zucchini on the kitchen counter, but after trying to organize the freezer downstairs to corral all the packages of roasted zucchini that I've made over the summer… It seems that I've spent a lot of time over the last few months as there are at least 24 packages! No wonder everything was cascading to the floor every time we opened the door! So back to my original point… I'll maybe make zucchini cake tomorrow ;-)

Meanwhile, the freezer became even more disorganized and now I have to spend a couple of hours doing something about it… when I have the energy!

It took me until Friday to recover from the previous weekend excitement of bringing the trailer home, although getting flu & covid vaccines probably slowed down my recovery… even still, I don't feel fully energized yet, but that's really my new normal… 

I'm trying to figure out how to recover, sometimes getting it right, but other times pushing so hard that I crash. Somehow I have to walk the line between not enough and too much. It's not a straight line - it fluctuates based on how much I did the day before and how well I slept. It's a real learning experiment! I've been mostly taking it in stride without too much angst, but occasionally my bipolar brain misbehaves, letting frustration and despair take over my brain for a few hours… I'm always relieved to get through them on the right side of the grass…

It's been several years since my last psychiatrist retired and generally I'm okay but there are times it would be good to have someone to commiserate with who can guide me through the thinking needed to get past the tricky bits. I have been getting help through the CFS Health facebook pages as well as the videos that they put out - sometimes a video comes out at just the right time! Mindset is the most important yet trickiest part of recovery!

Online forums can be a mire of misery which seems to just drag people lower and lower, so I'm pretty careful with what I join. 

But on the plus side, I saw my doctor last week - he agreed that we'd try out a drug that might help with PEM, but I'll start it after we get back from our trip. He also suggested watching some of ‘the Physics Girl’ on YouTube about her illness - she has had cfs for a few years but is on the path to recovery. It's good to have my doctor on my side as I know some people are not so lucky with their doctors. He admitted that he doesn't know a lot about it which I totally appreciate, especially as he seems interested in learning more 😀 

I'm so grateful that I never became as ill as some people get! I partially credit that to my doctor, who at my second appointment said that it could be cfs and that I should stop exercising… up to that point I'd been pressing through - and that's what he said to do in the first appointment! … it also encouraged me to do some research on recovery - I think that without that change, I would have continued to get worse, but now I'm at least stable and even perhaps a bit better!

I'm getting pretty excited about our trip! In a week I might already have a sunburn!

Suitcases are laid out on the spare room bed all packed and ready to close as soon as I add the hanging clothes (will wait until Saturday!). I spent AT LEAST AN HOUR this morning searching for the two waterproof phone bags that we got last year but alas… I swear I looked everywhere twice and then Carm looked as well… finally, frustrated and needing to sit down for a minute I wracked my brain, I had a vague memory of sending them back, and sure enough - I checked amazon and yes, they were returned! Dooh!

The problem with these types of searches is that it reveals the depths of disorganization and chaos in the nooks and crannies of my house! I have a few jobs for the winter…

Today it's raining on and off, but the previous few days have been spectacular! Carm has been busy outside getting the last of everything settled for the winter - I hang out on the bench near the garden and throw kibble for the dogs to search for in the long grass while he does the heavy work. They love this game and have gotten much more skilled at tracking down the nuggets.

I feel so useless!

This afternoon Carm headed off on a trek to the other side of the city to get a new golf club! His last game of the year is coming up on Friday - I think he said it will be round #50!

Awesome!

“suitcases almost packed”

“in one week I'll be sitting by the ocean!”

“so many beautiful October days”

“Adia & Lupa recovered from their dental”

viletta tucked in for winter

 The sun is blazing again today, much like yesterday when we brought the trailer home. We spent Saturday night at the trailer - a last bonus hurrah before the long long winter… It was a cold night, but it warmed up quickly Sunday morning, making our getaway uneventful (and not soaking wet like it would have been last week!). The drive home was uneventful with very little traffic and as a bonus Carm got the trailer into the laneway in one shot! 

It was a busy weekend and I'm suffering for it today… but I know I'll get through it if I take it easy and get lots of rest today. My brain is addled and my body is protesting, but my mood is good! Christina came for a visit this morning which really brightened up my day. 

Carm is still getting rounds of golf a few times a week! 

Welp… that's about all I can manage today. My brain is not operating at a very high level! 

Awesome!

“viletta safely in the laneway for the winter”

“perfect back in to the laneway”

“sunny day”

two turkeys

 The sound of raindrops lulled me into a comfortable doze… I'd been awake since 5am but stayed snuggled under the covers for a few hours, dozing in and out of a weird half awake, half dream state with spikes of anxiety about the day. Lupa was pressed against my side, a nice little lump of heat. Finally at around 8am, Kirsten rolled by with the garbage bin which set off a flurry of barking. It was time to get up!

We had plans to bring the trailer home today, but after looking at the weather for today and going forward, we decided to come home without the trailer and bring it home another day. There's a night at zero or possibly just below zero on the weekend so maybe we'll get it then. The days till the first snowfall are rapidly passing and with our trip looming on the horizon, we'd like to get it settled and winterized.

There are a few big jobs to get done before we leave, but we can get a head start on some of them before the trailer comes home so at least we won't be behind the 8 ball! (is that even a saying and what exactly does it mean?).

The house was… shall we say, cold… when we got home so after unpacking, Carm set a fire which has taken the chill out of the air. I'm still bundled up in fluffy pyjamas topped with my special quilt. Lupa is glued to my side but her heat isn't radiating far!

We arrived at Kirsten's on Friday afternoon, ready for a full weekend of celebrations. Friday night Kirsten and Shawn came over for supper (just a simple chili with beans, cauliflower, tofu, all drowned in Franks Red Hot sauce. Next up, Saturday: Thanksgiving dinner with Kirsten's family (obviously since we were there!), Mom & Dad, Olaf & Steph, Ted & Marion (the magicians), Shenna’s friend Emma, and of course Shenna & Nissa's ‘young men’! 

It was a feast as usual! Kirsten managed the whole thing with me contributing what I could make ahead of time… the stuffing balls were a big hit again - they are 100% worth the effort! We ate cardamom buns for days, and I froze half a cake. Mom brought turnip and a few cakes, including her most amazing carrot cake.

I was a bit of help on the day, but I was carefully managing my energy… as it was, I failed! and suffered on Sunday… Sitting in a giant armchair in the kitchen as everyone swirled around getting the last minute things done was not the greatest. I felt so useless… it would have been really awful, but Kirsten kept me in the loop, asking for advice which made me feel included. After we ate, I had to remove myself from the festivities and crashed on the sofa. I could hear the festivities going on in the next room which left me feeling both left out and included! But really, I was just grateful to have somewhere to put my head down!

I suffered on Sunday, but not as badly as I could have. I tried to take lots of rest breaks (well, I say tried, but honestly I had to!), between visiting everyone. Mom, Dad, Olaf, Steph left mid afternoon… Juliette & Erik came not long after so we had a second thanksgiving with leftovers, and a tray of focaccia with a spread with goats cheese, caramelised onion & figs. 

Sunday afternoon Carm drove home as he had golf on Monday, while I stayed back for another night in the viletta! Must get every last night in! He came back Monday afternoon, by which time I felt pretty much fully recovered from Saturday. This morning I felt great again, although when we got home I crashed on the sofa for the rest of the day… 

Over the weekend, Kirsten and I walked the dogs several times a day, had them in the field a few times, and drank scads of coffee while we visited. It was a great weekend for both siblings and puppy cousins!

Awesome!

“two perfect turkeys”

“dogs running in the field”

“family gatherings”

“Olaf's new blue hotsauce”

“getting safely home after driving for an hour in the pouring rain”

sunshine on my shoulders

The sun was already shining when I opened my eyes this morning and as I took a moment to enjoy the golden light coming in the door, I realized that the sun was shining inside me as well :-)

I know I've said this before, but somehow, for some reason, writing out what I'm going through sorts it all out in my head which releases negative feelings leaving room for hope again. It helps that I'm not feeling so wiped out and actually had energy to move around the house getting the odd thing done. 

It didn't feel like I was in hell as I made 2 cakes for the weekend - no! It felt good and comfortable. I felt at peace as the kitchen-aid whipped each batch of eggs & sugar till fluffy. Carm helped me fold in the flour and cranberries for the second cake - it's surprisingly physical! The first cake had my arms like rubber. But I didn't fret about it and was able to (barely) accept that this is where I am… for now!

I even had the spoons to make the biga for 2 batches of focaccia that I'll finish tomorrow. And now, writing this at 4:30, I still have enough energy to make supper! Carm helped by peeling and cubing a big butternut squash while I got the rest of the ingredients ready: caramelised onions from the freezer, dried lentils, garlic, sage from the garden, and some brussels sprouts which I will roast. It will be a change to all the sandwiches that Carm has been forced to subsist on!

The dogs got two short trips to the field - the first outing was peaceful… the second outing this afternoon was not… the cows were just over the fence line which had Adia & Lupa in a tizzy! But they were good and mostly listened to me calling them back.

Oh, and the repair guy from Bell was here again! This time it was a different connection that had come undone! If we've had two connection failures, how many other people are having difficulty as well? It seems that something could be improved - either equipment or procedure…

Awesome!

“waking up to sunshine”

“the milkweed in the field is turning red”

“the sky was an impossible blue”

“cooking and eating food from our garden”

“getting the internet fixed”

“having enough energy to actually do a few things”

“ending the day feeling as good as I started the day!!!!!!”

a long and whiny road

We are well and truly into October now…the deck has been fully put to bed (our living room looks like a furniture showroom again!), and the pool has been winterized. Boo hiss! It sucks that summer is over! It started late and was shortened by hordes of mosquitos… now mosquitos are gone but the temps are in the mid teens Celcius. I'm not even sure if I actually swam entirely around the whole pool more than a handful of times over the whole summer - I was usually in for a quick dip, not even swimming fully across - I usually didn't have the energy to do more… There were only a handful of outdoor showers.

But! Here we are, battening down for winter. We harvested most of the butternut squash today - it was a bumper crop! We'll be eating squash often through the winter :-)  I love the bright orange flesh in the middle of a dull winter day - a bit of summer sunshine captured for later.

I had seen recipes online that made a sauce with tofu & other vegetables, so the other day I roasted a butternut & zucchini (oh yes, another 2 zucchini were discovered this afternoon, hidden within the green leaves), and blended it with a block of firm tofu, garlic, sage, and a few cherry tomatoes… I cooked some gnocchi in a skillet and then added the sauce to cook for a few minutes - it turned out great and best of all, it made enough sauce to freeze two packets for a day when cooking doesn't seem doable.

Going back in time, after I helped Carm last week (Tuesday I think when I last posted), I struggled with energy for a few days, and then got cracking for a weekend at the villetta. It was good but not amazing. I did lots of walking but not much else - it took a day to recover from just the drive there. I probably pushed myself a bit more than I should but honestly it's hard to not do things. I feel so useless and don't want to be the person that says “I can't”... I struggle with the idea of honouring my limits! I've spent years pushing through fatigue and always figure if I can make myself do it, everything will turn out okay. That is not my reality anymore!

Anyway, it was great to be there! Kirsten and I had lots of fun with the dogs - they got a few shortish walks on the road and at least one outing a day to the ‘back 40’ where they could run and play. Lupa was better with Basel than I thought she would be, and didn't even freak out at him too much when he'd get a bit rough, although she did tell him off a bit. 

Tuesday, the day we went home, we had to go back out in the afternoon for another hour of total drive time to take the dogs for a booster at the vet… I was destroyed when we got home but somehow made it into bed… Even pulling the covers back seemed almost impossible - I thought of calling Carm to help, but didn’t... Car travel seems to be especially exhausting for me and over 2 hours was way too much… 

It took me a few days to recover from all of that, but finally I was able to get a few things cooked ahead of time for Thanksgiving - a batch of cardamom buns, and stuffing balls! Still a few things left to cook but I'll get started on that tomorrow.

Yesterday we had lunch at Mom & Dad's with Kari & Kirsten filling up the table. Mom made a turkey and we had delicious sandwiches on croissants with turkey, stuffing, and cranberries. I'm afraid I wasn't much help with anything - I felt so useless but just couldn't conjure up the energy to get off the sofa 😞 

Today I've been dragging myself around - the struggle is real, but is it all in my head? I sometimes wonder if I feel tired because I expect to feel tired? It's all so confusing and frustrating! I know the power of the brain can work for us, but also against us… I don't know how to reconcile which is which, but I do know that coming up from the basement a little while ago, I had to stop at each step to gather energy for the next - am I fabricating?

There is research about neuroplasticity and chronic illness and I just watched a video from CFS Health along those same lines (Overcoming Fear and Anxiety)... It's something that I believe in but can't figure out how to do all the time. Honestly, the amount of energy my brain drains from me to keep my thoughts in line is overwhelming at times… I was doing well for a few weeks but then it all fell apart and I can't seem to get my thinking back to where I was. My bipolar brain has not been helping the last few days either - it's throwing despair and giving up vibes which I have to figure out how to tamp down.

Meanwhile, as I move through the day, I notice all the things that need to get done and feel totally overwhelmed and barely able to cope - if I could snap my fingers and cease to exist, today I would 😞 But, I'll carry on and hope that tomorrow is better… no, let me rephrase that: I'll carry on and tomorrow WILL be better!

Awesome!

“Lupa quietly asleep beside me”

“Adia snoring on her bed”

“Saturday was a glorious sunny day”

“having a few big jobs out of the way”

“countdown to Punta Cana - 27 days!”

chateau earwig

It hardly seems possible but here we are, September 22nd and the deck plants are inside. We also started bringing furniture in too - sofa, and green chairs from the pool level. Tomorrow we'll bring a few more things in - I have to pace myself!

The weather has certainly become more fall-like, with frost warnings overnight and low mid-day temperatures. I definitely needed a sweater outside, despite the sunshine! And thankfully there is enough wind to flummox even the most determined mosquito…

It's been a busy few days or at least it's felt that way… Saturday we spent part of the day at ‘Heating up the Capital’ hot sauce festival. Olaf aka ‘Uncle Awful’, had a booth showcasing his flight of hot sauces and people were all over it! There seemed to always be a line to try a taste and it seemed that most people left with at least one bottle! It was an awesome day - so much fun to see Olaf in his element. The weather was perfect as well, with slightly cool temps but a blazing sun.

After the hot sauce festival we raced to Marie's house (across the street from us) to be there for the Monarch butterfly release. It was pretty cool to see it warm its wings in the sun before taking off into the trees. The lady figured that it would reach Kingston which is about 90 miles away as the ‘butterflies fly’, by Sunday or maybe not until Monday, and there it would start the long journey to Mexico.

And how did I fare… not great although not the worst either. I was totally wiped by the time we got home so crashed for the rest of the day. Carm left soon after we got home for his annual ‘Friendly Golf League’ supper - I indulged in tons of junk food…

Sunday was not the greatest… lots of fatigue and sick feeling - I was definitely experiencing PEM, or post-exertional malaise… I took it easy all day so it didn't get worse. But gosh! I can usually keep a positive and hopeful mindset, but I'll admit to a few minutes of frustration and tears. I flipped out on Carm for no reason - I felt terrible about letting him take the brunt of my outburst as he's been a great support and certainly doesn't deserve my rants!

Today is much better although I think I'm still experiencing the tail end of PEM… but that didn't stop me from helping Carm start to get the deck cleared off. The sofa came in - there'd been some sort of creature on the deck so I didn't want to risk it being a desirable spot to create a nest for the winter! Then Carm did the heavy work of bringing the plants in… I carried some light ones, but otherwise mostly just manned the door. A few extra chairs made it into the basement as well. Still lots to go but we are on track.

Oh, and I got stung on my wrist while I was washing out the tubs that the indoor plants will sit in - it hurts like crazy and I feel a bit derpy from the benadryl!

Awesome!

“feeling mostly okay for 15 full days”

“biggest job done - plants inside’

“Uncle Awful”

“butterflies”

“sunny day”

when Im 64

Day fifteen!

Time is flying by, despite my rather limited life! I’m doing a bit better everyday at my current level of activity but I'll give it another few days before I add a bit of structured movement (well, I cheated a bit and did 2 reps of 4 ab exercises - not enough to feel even slightly tired but a start!). 

I even felt good enough to dance a little bit - is it even possible to sit still while listening to ‘rasputin’ by BoneyM? You've probably seen Tom Hiddleston going crazy dancing to it! My footwork is not as fancy, but my enthusiasm matches his!

It dark when my eyes flipped open Wednesday night - I rolled over to check the clock and YES! It was past midnight so officially my birthday - I was free to start my sugar extravaganza - a bowl of Captain Crunch eaten in the dim light from the pantry. The day was off to a good start!

Carm helped me get ready for our lunch guests - Mom, Dad, and Kirsten with Basel joined us for what other than tomato sandwiches on focaccia… so original! We had fun with the dogs too 😀 . Lupa went crazy at first, but then mostly settled down. The dogs went crazy when they spotted Kirsten's car coming into the laneway but! I was able to call them back from the door to put them into their crates - they actually listened during all that excitement!

While Kirsten was here, we practiced the ‘hot zone’ game. I'd been practicing a bit for the last week so the dogs knew the drill and did well with the extra distraction. Then we had a short walk in the field to get the ‘ya yas’ out. It worked - all dogs crashed when we got back inside. It's funny watching them try to run through grass that for some of them, is higher than their heads!

Oh, after lunch, we piled into Kirsten's car for a trip to Dairy Queen for a Skor blizzard. I'm sure that's what kept me going for the rest of the afternoon. But when everyone left, I crashed on the sofa for the rest of the day. A few weeks ago I would have been in bed for the rest of the day feeling sick and miserable. Not so yesterday!

Tuesday night Pat came for supper to celebrate her birthday which was last week. On Facebook, I'd stumbled upon a ‘vegan date & walnut cake’ which was super easy to make and delicious. It was mostly sweetened by dates and only had ⅓ cup of brown sugar. I might try making it with almond flour.

My birthday present arrived Tuesday afternoon so while Carm and Pat watched violent TV, I played with my new fitness watch (Garmin vivoactive 6). Mental challenges are as exhausting as walking miles! My brain was fried by the time I got everything figured out making it almost impossible to think clearly… and then again Wednesday, most of my energy was burned by my brain! In the end, it's all set up! I love it!

Give me your answer, fill in a form,

Mine forevermore.

Will you still need me, will you still feed me,

When I'm sixty four? Ho!

I created a custom activity to track how much time I spend in the kitchen doing stuff - this is what tends to burn me out as it adds up quickly. Wednesday I made 2 batches of focaccia and by the end of the day I'd spent around 2 hours in total in the kitchen! I was tired but not exhausted - there's a difference!

Was today my last swim? The forecast is for cool weather going forward so my 20 second dip this afternoon might be my last for 2026, but we shall see! Perhaps I am more beluga whale than human! It warmed up to 19C so maybe…

Awesome!

“feeling mostly okay for 15 full days”

“a beautiful morning with sunshine and no mosquitos”

“turning 64! I made it!”

https://youtu.be/fsKvmFy5pQg?si=OBa1Bl2gxfE6dXRy 

eleven days

Day eleven!

It's been a good stretch of feeling a bit tired, and occasionally nausea (honestly, lunch of broccoli & sardines makes me gag)... but nothing like what I was experiencing before. There was only one afternoon where I spent time resting in bed (that was after taking the dogs to the vet). Overall, I think I've found the sweet spot of activity - I can do more than I thought but less than I'd like! No treadmill or other exercise for another few weeks but I can see that I'll be increasing activity slightly in another week or two of relative stability.

If I pace myself properly I can actually get quite a bit done - I've roasted several zucchini, made flavoured salt again - this time Thai Awry - Thai basil, garlic, and Olaf's ‘Awry & Ginger’. It’s a flavour bomb! I've harvested some cherry tomatoes and packaged them into the freezer - little orbs of summer delight for winter stews.

I've been playing with the dogs - getting out the clicker for some fun games. It’s been years since I've done much with them - they get pretty excited when I get all the training stuff out. I can take the dogs outside a few times during the day, including one slow walk to the end of the field and back. 

TV and videos are still a bit hard - reels of music etc are energy neutral, but anything that uses my brain wears me out quickly. Still, I'm able to watch some things! And of course music energizes me - my ‘Thrive’ playlist is wearing out!

The trend is in the right direction!

Carm has noticed the trend to normal and said that he didn't think it would go this well!

I’ve been reflecting on how different bipolar depression is from the feeling of discouragement that I sometimes have whispers of. Being discouraged feels temporary and not all consuming. It's more like a cloak and not my whole being. It doesn't turn the world grey and there is always a thread of hope and belief that it will pass. Depression feels like it will be for eternity making life too hard to live. It feels heavy and a bit like that rock in Greek mythology. It's grey and black and fog and neverending rain. 

It’s the same thing with fatigue - there are differences. Bipolar depression fatigue is real - it feels heavy and like I'm walking through water. Pushing through it often helps and can even energize me. It makes the depression a bit easier to bear for a while. I’ve gotten good at pushing myself when I feel tired or overwhelmed… which has served me well in the past but not so much now!

The fatigue that I've been experiencing lately is different. It feels like the energy is gone from every cell and when I’m having a bad day, even holding my head up is hard. I notice how still I am - just shifting my weight sitting down is hard. I notice in the car how much effort it takes to stabilise myself when braking or turning a corner - it's exhausting - even as a passenger! The visuals of traffic and scenery passing quickly is tiring. If I continue to push through I feel worse and worse. Over exertion in bipolar depression doesn't last. For me now though - over exertion sets me back days… 

But! I've got 11 days of stability under my belt!

Two different illnesses… two different approaches!

I know I've been repetitive but I'm trying to drill into my head that I have to slow down to get better! If I say it over and over, maybe it will sink in! Being patient does not come naturally to me!

This has been the summer of mosquitos! We've had so much rain and never had even a hint of drought this summer. The field still has areas of squishy waterlogged ground. We haven't been able to sit outside on the deck for weeks now :-( I guess if I didn't mind dousing myself with mosquito repellant but honestly, it doesn't seem worth bathing in toxic chemicals.

The mosquitos have also kept us home from the villetta for another week - it's West Nile season and there have been pockets found in the area - I really can't risk getting sick. But I wanted to go so badly! We need to keep the dogs getting together as Basel grows up…

Awesome!

“feeling mostly okay for 11 full days”

“2 days without rain”

“tomato sandwiches still appear on the supper table!”

“Thai Awry salt on crackers with processed cheese and strawberry jam”