heartfelt thanks

I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from everyone. Your kind words have taken a share of the sadness and grief from my heart - thank you.

I started trying to write to everyone individually but you'll have to excuse the single post… it just became too hard to put into words the feelings that I've gotten from reading your messages and honestly how much crying can a person do in one go? As it is, I have a handy box of tissues for this simple message.

Plus you know how verbose I am! Why say something in 10 words when I can say it in 1000!

It's times like this that we find so much comfort from family and friends. There is a drawing together that strengthens bonds in the shared grief. But more than tears, there is laughter and warm feelings as we remember Graham through the years. So many funny stories remind us of his sense of humour and fun - it's been good to remember him as he was years ago.

That renewal of connections has been a gift. Years ago the minister that gave the eulogy for my Great Aunt Jean's funeral talked about how the gathering of everyone is the final gift from the departed and that we should not only grieve with each other but also rekindle the relationships between all of us, family and friends.

Mental illness and addiction are such hard roads to travel, for the person experiencing it as well as for those around them. Is there more help that we as a society can give those suffering? I don't know. My hope, and this has been my own journey for years, is that sharing and talking about these things brings it out into the open where maybe something can be done. It doesn't help anyone to keep struggles locked away out of sight, at least that has been my experience. Stigma is a killer.

On a more personal note, (making this about me as usual!), I feel blessed for my own mental health as his journey could have easily become mine and honestly, that scares the shit out of me… Maybe that's partially why I feel so much angst about what he was feeling and going through. I have always felt a connection to Graham through our shared illness as maybe I have more of a feeling of what he was experiencing than someone who has never had the black demon… but maybe I'm delusional and just projecting…

Unfortunately that feeling of shared connection made it more difficult for me when he would reject my help. I wanted to help him find his way to a more stable life but he didn't always want to hear it which caused friction between us. I always felt that if he would just take my advice, life would be better for him but of course we all have to make those decisions for ourselves. I hope that he knew my advice was coming from a place of love and caring.

I wanted to fix him which of course no one can do. All we can really do is be the support for when he did want to hear. I never really learned that though…

We are still in the process of making the arrangements. Mom has been amazing at keeping it together as we go through things with the funeral home, etc. Basic decisions seem so hard to make and talking about them seems unreal, almost as if I was sitting outside of my body, watching myself go through the motions.

I know that all of you have experienced your own losses and I appreciate your sharing. I see you all and see that you've gone through bereavements which helps me to believe that it will end up okay here too. A load shared is a load lessened. 

Hold your loved ones close. ❤️ 

Awesome!

"everyone who has been so kind"

"family"

long goodbyes

I never expected to be writing here at one in the morning but I can't sleep and need someone to talk to. I won't post this for a few days, once everyone has been notified… (update, it's less than 24 hours later).

My baby brother Graham passed away suddenly and unexpectedly sometime Sunday or Monday morning. He was found in his room at his apartment but details are sketchy leaving us with lots of questions that will probably never be answered. There is no cause of death yet and won't be for a few weeks. We are all in shock and having difficulty believing it.

Mom and I were able to tell his kids and ex wife all at once and in person on Monday afternoon. I can't think of more heartbreaking news to tell someone…I don't feel that I imparted the news well but I guess in the end, the news is the news and no matter the delivery, the result is devestating.  I have my own sadness but it can never compare to their's… please keep them in your thoughts as this will be a difficult time for them all. And my parents. Maybe especially them…

A bunch of photos of Graham and the kids came up in my photo memories yesterday just before Mom and Dad called me. They were fresh in my mind when I got the news so the picture I have of him in my mind is from when he was healthy and things were better.

from a few years ago

Graham will be remembered by many people in the community for his caring and empathy. He was kind to strangers and seemed to attract the downtrodden and lost souls. He always wanted to help people. Maybe giving help to others gave help to himself… I don't know. Wild rabbits would sit with him on the front porch. He loved nature. He had a curious mind and was interested in so many different things. He walked the city taking photos of people, sharing his talent and hobby. He befriended the shop keepers where he frequented, and the dog walkers, and the larpers who gathered in his favourite park. And others that we didn't know about.

He especially loved his dog Gimli.

He was also a lost soul with demons dragging him down to an almost unreasonable hell. I hope in his last minutes that he knew how much we all loved him. That is my hopest hope.

One of his favourite songs is 'somewhere over the rainbow' sung by Israel Kamakawiwoʻole, the beloved Hawaiian singer. somewhere over The rainbow 

We spent many hours in the past listening to music together and sharing our favourites.

Graham is the youngest - this was at my wedding when the boys were just little kids.

Tuesday night: we all got together this afternoon to empty his apartment of his belongings. The housing case workers talked about how much everybody liked Graham and how he seemed to bring out the best of a rag tag group of misfits… however it was not enough and he was dragged down by a few. He was naive, thinking only the best of people which left him vulnerable to being taken advantage of and being led astray. 

Steph and I took a turn keeping an eye on all our vehicles while the others started sorting through his things. While we were there, the neighbour in a nearby house came out to talk to us and share with us her experience of being friends with Graham. Gimli and her dog often got together to play. We are so grateful to hear the stories.

Countless flights of stairs later the cars and truck were loaded with what was his. We unloaded everything at Mom and Dad's, milled around not sure of what to do next then gathered in the family room to share stories, tears, and laughter. The kids, Olaf, Steph and I met up with some of the boy's high school friends. Shawn and Carm were able to join us. We had some heartfelt conversations over some IPAs before calling it a night. I'm back at Mom and Dad's for another night - tomorrow we'll start figuring out funeral arrangements - none of us have done this before and I guess we aren't rushing to get the job done. Perhaps it seems so final and an invitation for reality to barge in.

It seems like another era but just a few days ago we had a great visit with Olaf and Stephanie. They even played 9 holes of golf on Sunday (was that really just two days ago?). I went along for the walk. It was an absolutely stunning day with a cloudless blue sky and the perfect temperature for a country walk.

It seems unreal now. Juliette said it best when she said we have been grieving him for a while and now it starts all over again. So many mixed emotions of sadness, guilt, remorse, and yes, a bit of relief and hope that he's in a better place, free of pain and unhappiness. Graham, we loved you and you will be missed. There's been a hole in our family that we all hoped was just temporary… but now that opportunity has been lost.

Olaf and I with Graham's kids.

Awesome!

"golf"

"seriously though, I'll have to pass on the awesome today, although I could say that family and being together was good"

three times 21

Thank you for all the birthday wishes :-) It seems like just last year that I turned 21 but also another lifetime ago… multiply that by 3 and here I am! Three times older! And maybe 3 times better! 

Thinking back to my 21st birthday is like visiting ancient history - from what I remember, I was living in Ottawa with my boyfriend Steve and our friend Alan in a 2 bedroom townhouse. My parents had come to visit, maybe bringing my brothers, but I don't remember Kirsten being there. I remember being sad as I knew it would be the last time I'd see Thor, my childhood dog. I got a briefcase from Mom and Dad, and some table legs and a bench from Steve's family. I still have the bench (it's in the main bathroom) but the briefcase is long gone…

I seem to remember struggling with a bit of depression at the time but that was a common occurrence back then, maybe even more so than now. I know I didn't have the self confidence I have now, that took a long time to develop (and I credit much of that to Carm's unwavering support)... If my fairy godmother showed up with her wand and offered to send me back to that time, I would refuse! Twenty one wasn't my best year, in fact it was during that year that I first came closest to ending it all… it was actually a really terrible year! 

Multiply 21 by 2 makes me 42 years old, another turning point year. On my birthday I was on sick leave with major depression… I hadn't been diagnosed bipolar yet, that would happen at the beginning of October of that year. That was a pretty tough year but I learned so much about myself and it started me on the path of learning how to better navigate life… 

I'm not unique in having obstacles - everyone has challenges thrown at them and I know you are all awesome at dealing with everything. It was actually a bit depressing to look back but after thinking about it for a while, I feel good about my journey and feel that there were way more ups than downs.

This year? I feel great physically and emotionally. So yeah, life is good now!

Today the sun is shining and it's a balmy 25C, perfect for a trip to the golf driving range. We went on Monday and I was able to hit the ball reasonably consistently… but only for 80 yards max… today I struggled a bit more but I was feeling tired from walking over 8km in the morning and my arm was still a bit sore from a vaccine yesterday. But it was fun! Next summer I'm going to try to work on hitting the ball so that maybe I could do an actual golf game ha ha!

We did get into the pool briefly this afternoon… just so I could say I did! It was a chilly 19C or 66F… brrr.

We are still eating tomatoes and hope to have a few more before the week is out. I'm not sick of them yet! I've started the process of making focaccia for tomorrow's lunch with Jo Ellen and Don. Although the tomatoes are so good we could probably just have plain white bread!

Carm cut down a giant tree in the backyard that has been throwing lots of shade on the pool and lower deck. It's really opened up the view from the deck and will maybe stretch out the season a bit by letting the sun warm up the water. It was a tremendous amount of work which is still ongoing, although I think he got the last of the wood split and stacked this afternoon. Unfortunately there are a few more that have to be cut down… the darn Manitoba Maples are a pita, seeming to sprout out of nothing into suddenly huge trees that are a challenge to deal with.

Last Saturday most of the family got together for lunch at Mom and Dad's. We were missing a few people but it was still a crowd. Carm was off to his 'friendly golf league' banquet so missed out on some of the fun… he didn't get home until quite late which upset Lupa tremendously… I had to stick her in her crate to calm her down. We know who's dog she is 😉 

The weather has been warm and sunny so far this fall but we are in desperate need of rain. The earth is cracked and dry, even in the area below the house that is usually a bit wet. It's crazy but I guess the whole world is crazy right now… weather and other…

Awesome!

"beautiful fall weather"

"feeling awesome at 63"

i would walk 600 miles

I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 hundred more - do you recognize the song by the Proclaimers? I'll do my own version, substituting 500 miles with 600 miles as that's how far I've walked on the treadmill so far this year! I've done some calculations (I made a spreadsheet!) and would have to walk almost 4 miles a day from now until the end of December to make it to an even 1000 miles… I don't think that's achievable but I'm on a mission to see how close I can get! I love a challenge and goals get me up in the morning!

Yesterday was Pat's birthday so we took her out for supper to the local restaurant in the village and then we came back here for cake and bubbles… and a few more episodes of the show she and Carm are watching together (a bit too much violence for me so I just watch out of the corner of my eye while Doom Scrolling FB).

The days have been zooming by… it seems impossible that we are already ⅓ of the way through September… pool use has gone way down but we were both in for a few nanoseconds this afternoon after cutting down a tree. We were hot and sweaty and the crystal clear waters beconned… thankfully no iceburgs but it was a chilly 17.5C/65F! Yikes! That is really my limit.

The harvest from the garden has pretty much slowed down… there's still all the butternut squash to harvest, a few more tomatoes, and we haven't had zucchini for ages. I still have 2 on the counter waiting to be turned into ribbons for a salad or chopped to be roasted. Last week I made 3 chocolate zucchini cakes for the freezer as well as a few bags of roasted zucchini… the freezer is filled to the brim, and that's after a giant garbage bag of ancient food was tossed. I've got lots of tomato sauce, a bit of roasted zucchini, some cakes, and hopefully some zucchini that can be transformed into scarpaccia on a cold winter day.

I had a few days on my own at the villetta last week for a 'girls' night. Kirsten and I walked a few times a day, I did a long overdue deep clean of the trailer, we played tennis with Nissa. And by that I mean I tried to hit the ball in the general direction of the other person… it was a big excitement to even hit the ball let alone get it over the net!

Last Friday we drove down to the St. Lawrence past some of our old camping stomping grounds. Lots of fun memories! I think we'll plan a few trips back this fall, with the dogs as there are some nice walks along the parkway. We had lunch at a (new to us) bakery in one of the villages. I had a Thai peanut chicken wrap which was delicious. Carm had an equally good Philly cheese steak sandwich. We finished off with butter tarts… our first ones this year. It brought back fond memories of 'buttertart' summers camping at Presquille. Oh so many buttertarts!

We've had some rain but the ground is still dry and cracked in some areas.

Today I'm actually cooking food! There's a soup in the instant pot with the last of 2024 butternut squash (yes!), mushrooms, kale, romano beans, etc… We've had lots of tomato sandwiches over the last few weeks which has been a great vacation from cooking!

Awesome!

"heaps of tomatoes in the freezer"

"birthday cake"

"spending time in the villetta"

"feeling confident driving to Kirsten's and back - I've come a long way with my confidence in the last two years!"

"no cooking for weeks"