long goodbyes

I never expected to be writing here at one in the morning but I can't sleep and need someone to talk to. I won't post this for a few days, once everyone has been notified… (update, it's less than 24 hours later).

My baby brother Graham passed away suddenly and unexpectedly sometime Sunday or Monday morning. He was found in his room at his apartment but details are sketchy leaving us with lots of questions that will probably never be answered. There is no cause of death yet and won't be for a few weeks. We are all in shock and having difficulty believing it.

Mom and I were able to tell his kids and ex wife all at once and in person on Monday afternoon. I can't think of more heartbreaking news to tell someone…I don't feel that I imparted the news well but I guess in the end, the news is the news and no matter the delivery, the result is devestating.  I have my own sadness but it can never compare to their's… please keep them in your thoughts as this will be a difficult time for them all. And my parents. Maybe especially them…

A bunch of photos of Graham and the kids came up in my photo memories yesterday just before Mom and Dad called me. They were fresh in my mind when I got the news so the picture I have of him in my mind is from when he was healthy and things were better.

from a few years ago

Graham will be remembered by many people in the community for his caring and empathy. He was kind to strangers and seemed to attract the downtrodden and lost souls. He always wanted to help people. Maybe giving help to others gave help to himself… I don't know. Wild rabbits would sit with him on the front porch. He loved nature. He had a curious mind and was interested in so many different things. He walked the city taking photos of people, sharing his talent and hobby. He befriended the shop keepers where he frequented, and the dog walkers, and the larpers who gathered in his favourite park. And others that we didn't know about.

He especially loved his dog Gimli.

He was also a lost soul with demons dragging him down to an almost unreasonable hell. I hope in his last minutes that he knew how much we all loved him. That is my hopest hope.

One of his favourite songs is 'somewhere over the rainbow' sung by Israel Kamakawiwoʻole, the beloved Hawaiian singer. somewhere over The rainbow 

We spent many hours in the past listening to music together and sharing our favourites.

Graham is the youngest - this was at my wedding when the boys were just little kids.

Tuesday night: we all got together this afternoon to empty his apartment of his belongings. The housing case workers talked about how much everybody liked Graham and how he seemed to bring out the best of a rag tag group of misfits… however it was not enough and he was dragged down by a few. He was naive, thinking only the best of people which left him vulnerable to being taken advantage of and being led astray. 

Steph and I took a turn keeping an eye on all our vehicles while the others started sorting through his things. While we were there, the neighbour in a nearby house came out to talk to us and share with us her experience of being friends with Graham. Gimli and her dog often got together to play. We are so grateful to hear the stories.

Countless flights of stairs later the cars and truck were loaded with what was his. We unloaded everything at Mom and Dad's, milled around not sure of what to do next then gathered in the family room to share stories, tears, and laughter. The kids, Olaf, Steph and I met up with some of the boy's high school friends. Shawn and Carm were able to join us. We had some heartfelt conversations over some IPAs before calling it a night. I'm back at Mom and Dad's for another night - tomorrow we'll start figuring out funeral arrangements - none of us have done this before and I guess we aren't rushing to get the job done. Perhaps it seems so final and an invitation for reality to barge in.

It seems like another era but just a few days ago we had a great visit with Olaf and Stephanie. They even played 9 holes of golf on Sunday (was that really just two days ago?). I went along for the walk. It was an absolutely stunning day with a cloudless blue sky and the perfect temperature for a country walk.

It seems unreal now. Juliette said it best when she said we have been grieving him for a while and now it starts all over again. So many mixed emotions of sadness, guilt, remorse, and yes, a bit of relief and hope that he's in a better place, free of pain and unhappiness. Graham, we loved you and you will be missed. There's been a hole in our family that we all hoped was just temporary… but now that opportunity has been lost.

Olaf and I with Graham's kids.

Awesome!

"golf"

"seriously though, I'll have to pass on the awesome today, although I could say that family and being together was good"