the sky was so blue

 You know those times when things are going good and you have the feeling that it’s going to be that way forever and then suddenly something momentous changes and life is no longer as it was. I’ve been in the deluded, privileged, happy state for years, at least until covid-19. 

Turning points. My last turning point was in 2004 when I was diagnosed with bipolar. My life changed drastically then too - more dramatically than now. I’m glad I had the years with the parrots and horses, that I lived my dream, but it was still a wrench when I had to let that part of my life go.

Now I look back at recent years and am grateful that we did the things we did and didn’t put everything off for another day. Over the last few years we travelled starting with a cruise in 2016 and ending in 2019 when we went on several cruises: Panama canal, Caribbean, Mediterrean. We can be thankful for those memories. Already this year we’ve cancelled 3 cruises, but we don’t have regrets. In 2013 we took a 6 week trip with the RV out west. I went to New Zealand twice. Who knows what the future will be in terms of travel… it may be years before we go anywhere again.

So what’s my point? Don’t put off for later. Spend time with your loved ones. Embrace every moment. When life returns to normal (and when will that be?), live your life to the fullest with no regrets.

Will life be like it used to be ever again? When will we feel comfortable getting on an airplane? Or sitting in a restaurant or a crowded concert? Going on a cruise seems like an impossibility.

But instead of dwelling on the negative I’ll try to focus on the daily joys. 

And then there’s hurricane Laura bearing down on the east coast of the USA… it’s winding up to be a category 4 storm... that’s a real life threatening game changer. They are forecasting an unsurvivable storm surge. It’s strange to see something that will create such devastation tagged with my name.

And now for something completely different! We had a nice catchup distant visit with Trudie & Leo this afternoon. It’s a gorgeous day but a bit cool and windy. Carm wore long pants for the first time in ages; I wore leggings and a denim shirt. This morning was the first day in weeks that I didn’t go for a swim when I got up :-(  It will likely be a downward trend going forward.

This afternoon we went for a short drive to check out the local dumping station and since we were in the area stopped at St. Albert for take-out burgers. We thought we’d eat on the patio but with the wind blowing thru it was unpleasantly cold.

“The sky was so blue I couldn’t look at it because it made me sad, swelling tears in my eyes and they dripped quietly on the floor as I got on with my day. I tried to keep my focus, ticked off the to-do list, did my chores. Packed orders, wrote emails, paid bills and rewrote stories,

but the panic kept growing, exploding in my chest. Tears falling on the desk

tick tick tick

me not making a sound

and some days I just don't know what to do. Where to go or who to see and I try to be gentle, soft and kind,

but anxiety eats you up and I just want to be fine.”

~Charlotte Eriksson