a thin stream of fear

Unless you want to read a bunch of whining and crying you might want to skip this one! 

It seems that every time I get a bit ‘cocky’ and think that I’ve got this bipolar thing beat for good, it jumps up and punches me in the gut… Monday, after a lovely birthday lunch for Dad with some of the family, we were driving home on good roads with nothing bad happening when ‘whamo’... and there you have it. Anxiety.

I’d hoped a night asleep would cure me but no, I woke up yesterday in the same state I went to bed in. Took the dogs out, Lupa ran through the fence onto the road after a dog... I half-heartedly tried a few distraction techniques but was too far down the rabbit hole to help myself…

Well, I didn’t totally give up and semi-participated in the household! I did take extra meds as soon as I got out of bed and topped those up with another med in the afternoon… did it help? Yes, somewhat, but I wasn’t dancing around the house…

(so that was yesterday… and what follows is today… after talking to Kirsten)

Today as soon as I woke up I could feel the bad start to seep in so I got to work right away telling myself that it’s going to be a good day. Yes, it’s going to be a good day (repeat as many times as required).

I think what triggered such a mood swing was Lupa… we brought her to Mom & Dad’s for lunch on Monday - she was being great. Near the end of the visit Graham was making fun little squeaky noises which freaked her out. Something so simple. He wasn’t being mean or teasing in any way, just trying to interest her and he did his best to win her over after, but she was too worried. So my thoughts of her being a therapy dog went down the toilet. She obviously doesn’t have the confidence to be in that sort of environment.

That’s discouraging. For anyone.

I think part of my problem is that I’ve spent so many years being flattened by meds that I don’t know how to handle a simple upset so it spirals me into an abyss :-/  or at least makes me THINK that I’m spiralling when in fact it’s just a normal mood swing that isn’t going to last days, months, years! 

Meanwhile, she’s keen on the training game now and is catching on quickly so maybe she’ll improve her confidence if we can take some classes or at least get her out of the house more.

(nothing like an hour watching the news to put my life into perspective.)

FYI - yes, it was a good day.

Awesome!

“a few sunny days”

“Dad’s birthday lunch”

“a rainy day tea with Christina”

“my new apron! It brings joy!”

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.”

— Arthur Somers Roche