geese

 Yesterday, in my daze, I heard red-wing blackbirds in the wind-whipped trees. There seemed to be a flock of them calling as they tried to find a spot out of the wind. And there was wind last night - oh my gosh! The hawthorns outside the bedroom windows morphed into craggy monsters that were clawing at the glass trying to get inside. I tried to get to sleep, the dogs tried to settle, but until Carm was there, and we were all together, none of us could relax. Miraculously, the power stayed on.

Today I got out of bed at the semi-regular time (late! but the same time as everyone else) - I consider that the first big win of the day... Looking back at the past few days, even though it was the worst I've been for years (I can't remember the last time I spent 1 day in bed, let alone 3!), there was a difference. This time I knew that it would end… that it would pass… that if I were just a little patient I'd feel better eventually. I didn't beat myself up, thinking that I'm a loser, making it worse than it had to be. It's taken 20 years to learn this… I'm a slow learner I guess.

On some level I may have known it would end, but I also gave in and didn't fight it, even that little voice in the back of my head was silent for a while. Perhaps that's why the worst lasted so long.

One of the ‘Modern Love’ episodes that I watched featured Anne Hathaway as a bipolar woman swinging from low to high - it was a bit of a caricature of what living with bipolar looks like but at the same time it depicted the mood swings rather well. There were moments in the program where I was “yes, that is exactly how it is”... Sequins and bedazzle on the upswing, soporific flannel on the slump.

It's sunny and a bonus February day so I should try to get the rest of the ‘winter’ garlands and little trees put away until next Christmas. I’m feeling somewhat better but at this point in the day (10 am), I'm not sure if I have the energy or will to get it done… maybe if I put some music on…

Later in the day… With Carm's help we got the garlands and little trees packed away! The ‘summer’ valances are re-installed. The house looks vaguely like it's missing something but our eyes will adapt!

My third big win today: I got on the treadmill for an hour, slower than a snail's pace, but chatting with Kirsten kept my feet moving long past the time they wanted to quit… it's not all mood - there's often a profound fatigue, it feels like I am moving through a bowl of cream of wheat, slow and with great effort. (hummm… I might be a bit hungry!). Anne Hathaway played it well. I could not have walked for an hour a day or two ago.

GEESE! Huge flocks circled over the river before splitting up into smaller groups as they spiralled down from the blustery sky, their wings flapping madly as they made the turn into the wind. It seems they are early this year.

Awesome!

“no trees down after the huge windstorm”

“feeling much better today”

“geese! the harbinger of spring”

“60 minute amble”

not quite the way I want

 Well… I was premature with my celebration… Monday I crashed… hard… I can't remember the last time I spent 3 days in bed but there you have it. That will teach me to gloat! It’s been so long that I'd forgotten what it's like to be in this state - I’d forgotten the absolute inability to communicate, and perhaps worse, the social withdrawal. It was impossible to string more than one word together, not that I wanted to. Greta Garbo said it best “I want to be alone; I just want to be alone.” 

I still feel leaden and dull - body and brain…  but managed to get the dogs out to their nail appointment - it felt like a major accomplishment. Leftovers for supper again tonight though…

I just have to be patient as it will pass and then I'll be back to normal again. Right?

I did watch 4 mindless movies on Monday and a season of ‘Modern Love’ yesterday…  when I wasn't just blankly staring at the wall. I now know more about the Bee Gees than I wanted to know. I watched ‘the Book Club’ where they go to Italy, then something called ‘the big wedding’, and I ended with ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding #3”... they went to Greece. 

“Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it, or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to.”

― Sylvia Plath

Last Friday Christina came by for a test night while we went to Olaf's! I think it went well and we had fun with Olaf & Stephanie. We got a wildly excited greeting when we got home, but then as we were sitting around having tea, Lupa was on Christina's lap! A far cry from Spike who was not a happy camper when we went away.

 Sunday I made a turkey breast roll and we had Trudie, Leo, & Marie over for supper. I had some of the stuffing balls left (and still have a dozen or more in the freezer!). We've been living on leftovers since.

I guess I should mention that we've been having record breaking heat - a high of 14C today! Cold front moving in tonight for another few days of cold and then it's warming up again. Sadly, I haven't gone outside at all since Saturday… although today I managed a few minutes. Most of the snow is gone, leaving an icy path down to the barn. There's muck and half dissolved dog poop everywhere.

Awesome!

“homemade lox”

“a big enough bag of expired batteries to weigh down the piece of fish”

“laughs at Olaf's”

I can see clearly now

 “I Can See Clearly Now”, by Johnny Nash was my anthem yesterday - after weeks of misery and anguish I have made it through again! The black dog was banished! I even had enough umph to walk on the treadmill for an hour! Without Kirsten egging me on :-)  I wimped out today though - too busy making food for tomorrow!

And today there’s even more to celebrate! Mom had her appointment with the radiation oncologist and her ENT surgeon and HURRAH a clean bill of health - well, clean as in no cancer showing up in her scan. She has a few outstanding side-effects, including not being able to wear her mouth appliance - the ENT suggested that she go to the dentist for another fitting soon, while the RA suggested waiting a bit longer till there is more healing… a conundrum for sure. Both doctors reminded Mom that it could still be a few months before her radiation side-effects are fully healed, and that sadly, some might be permanent.

Her appointment was early in the morning and with either snow or rain in the forecast I was a bit stressed… Carm said he'd drive if it was bad so, when I got up, the first thing I did was step outside… just rain, whew. I let Carm sleep while I got ready. I didn't exactly panic, but just before I headed out the door it started snowing… hard. Yikes. Stress levels through the roof. It was too late to wake up Carm to do the driving so I got in the car, reminded myself to breathe and headed into the city. The roads were snow covered and slippery, including the 417 😱 I was perhaps a road hazard as I crawled into the city, but I made it! (and don't think I caused any accidents!)

"I Can See Clearly Now"

(originally by Johnny Nash)

(from "Cool Runnings" soundtrack)

I can see clearly now the rain is gone

I can see all obstacles in my way

Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind

It's gonna be a bright (bright)

Bright (bright) sunshiny day

It's gonna be a bright (bright)

Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Oh, yes I can make it now the pain is gone

All of the bad feelings have disappeared

Here is that rainbow I've been praying for

It's gonna be a bright (bright)

Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies

Look straight ahead, there's nothing but blue skies

I can see clearly now the rain is gone

I can see all obstacles in my way

Here is that rainbow I've been praying for

It's gonna be a bright (bright)

Bright (bright) sunshiny day

It's gonna be a bright (bright)

Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Bright (bright)

Bright (bright) sunshiny day

It's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright)

Sunshiny day

It's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright)

Sunshiny day

Bright (bright)

Bright (bright) sunshiny day

It's gonna be a bright (bright) so bright (bright)

Sunshiny day

It's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshiny day

Awesome!

“waking up and feeling normal!!!”

“5.6km in 61 minutes”

“first thing Dr. Busca said as he came into the room was that Mom's scan was clear! I will admit to tearing up at that point but managed to keep it together until I got home”

“a sunny day (ha ha after a snowy morning!)”

“cooking meatballs in the air fryer”

butter sugar pineapple

When we were coming home from Kirsten's last week we stopped in the ‘Food Basics’ to see what good produce they had - our local grocery stores are very dear for anything healthy! Pineapples were $1.99 - an impossible price to pass up… so, with visions of pineapple upside-down cake in my brain we popped it onto our cart.

Cut to today - cake! Delicious cake! I think it's my favourite kind - the butter melts into the cake batter so that when it's flipped over there is a sugary buttery fruity layer on top of fluffy cake. So darn good! Now, the reality is, I need cake like I need a hole in the head! We still even have a few cookies left from the Christmas baking extravaganza and the bathroom scale is creeping up… with that in mind, I divided it into 4 chunks - 3 into freezer containers to have on hand for company, and the trimmings to nibble on. Surely the calories don't count if it's just nibbled from the pan. 😉 

A proper freezer inventory is overdue! I haven't been keeping it up to date so need to get Carm to help me go through everything while I update my records.

But enough worry about that! I did burn off some of that buttery sugar on the treadmill today and yesterday - only 30 minutes but better than nothing! I will credit Kirsten for keeping the motivation going! I did skip Saturday and Sunday… 

Saturday was Dad's birthday lunch - there was enough food prep and family fun to keep me busy for the whole day. It was great fun and luckily the food turned out okay. Kirsten brought some cheese & crackers to nibble on before. She and Stephanie also brought salads. Mom made some brussels sprouts and baby potatoes so when we put it all together we had an actual turkey dinner! The turkey was moist and flavourful (note to self: it's much less stressful on the day to have the turkey already cooked and carved! The stuffing balls were good, especially when drowned in gravy, another great make ahead stress reliever. Cardamom buns are always a hit. And the burnt sugar cake (cause who doesn't want a dessert with sugar in the name!) was a bit more moist than usual.

I mentioned in the last post that I'd maybe use different bread for the stuffing balls (I used 3 french loaves), but after having them with gravy I think the chewiness of the bread adds a nice dimension to the bites of carb. I thought I could make them smaller with regular bread, but now I'm not sure that I’d want them any smaller.

Sunday I crashed! Except for laundry (so many sheets and clothes), I did nothing! I didn't even cook supper 😱 

Yesterday I zoomed around getting the place somewhat presentable for Christina's visit in the afternoon. She came over to get the rundown on how to operate the house and pet stuff so she can stay here Friday night! Hopefully Lupa doesn't drive her crazy! Lupa's used to a lot of lap and cuddle time and Christina is used to outside farm dogs, not little lap dogs… I'm hoping Lupa will worm her way into Christina's affection ;-)

Saturday was a brilliant sunny day, as was yesterday. Sunday it snowed on and off all day, today was supposed to be sunny, but it's grey… later in the week it's meant to go above freezing with rain. What the actual heck! Winter has been a non-event in terms of snow and cold - let's hope it stays that way for my drive into the city on Thursday early am for Mom's follow up appointment… if you are one to pray, please cast a thought her way. Friday looks like rain showers, not ideal for driving to Montreal, especially as it's dropping to -18 overnight! 

I've been getting through my days step by step, moment by moment, keeping up the momentum while struggling with my pessimistic thoughts - I've got to remember to challenge the negative accusations! Instead of wallowing in misery, I have to get my brain turned around to focus on the positive, and give myself grace for carrying on… sometimes I can figure out how to do this, but lately it's been harder… BUT, today is a bit better than yesterday with no overwhelming feelings of dread - a trend in the right direction! It might be due to extra meds but I'll take it!

Awesome!

“pineapple upside-down cake - new stainless steel pan was perfect”

“cake still warm from the oven”

“family gatherings”

“a few sunny days”

“handing the keys to Christina - maybe a trip south is in the making”

“turkey dinner”

“a bunch of potatoes baked, scooped, and baked again - ready for cheese, bacon, and sourcream”

trudging

 We are finally, sort of, out of the winter drought… sure we've had lots of cloud but they have been barren of moisture. Of course it's great to have dry roads for weeks at a time, but the earth needs to drink! Fields and creeks need the melt water to quench the thirsty earth to prepare for sprouting seeds. We got about 10cm overnight - Carm was out with the snowblower before 11am - it's one of those jobs that are better done than waiting to be done!

We have been having bits of sun over the last several days, which of course is lovely, but somehow it's not been enough.

Today is another busy day prepping for a family lunch on Saturday to celebrate Dad's birthday… burnt sugar cake and another batch of gravy is on the to-do list today… not as ambitious a day as yesterday when I cooked a turkey, made ‘stuffing balls’ and gravy, and finally because I had some lemons to use up, a jar of preserved lemons! Wednesday I made Norwegian cardamom buns :-) 😀 

The preserved lemons will take 3 weeks to become usable but then! So many opportunities to add a blast of flavour :-)  Hopefully… goodness knows every recipe is not awesome and I have already spilled it twice.

One of the things I made yesterday was ‘stuffing balls’, which are basically balls of stuffing (ha ha!). I followed the recipe pretty much exactly - if I make them again I'll make a few changes: not so much pepper (way way less!) and smaller bread cubes from just regular sliced bread instead of using 3 fancy french loaves with chewy crusts. 

I'd saved this recipe ages ago so figured it would be an easy addition to a lunch with Christmas dinner overtones. They are a bit dry, and the bread cubes are too big, and the pepper is too strong. Hopefully heating them up with some gravy will save them. And on that note, I dug out the carcass from the last turkey to make broth - I'll make a giant pot of gravy today to drown them in!

Unfortunately every checkmark on my to-do list has been a herculean effort… I've got a heavy black dog dragging me down so everything is hard and it takes all my will power to accomplish each tiny step - I really just want to go back to bed with the covers over my head (I've succumbed a few times). It's been ages since I've been stuck in this awful place for so long, maybe even years. My emergency meds take the edge off, leaving me slightly stunned and a bit less miserable so I plod on… I just want it to end.

I suppose it's not all bad though - I have managed to walk a few hours with Kirsten! Oh, and we left the pets with Pat and stayed a night with Kirsten on Monday :-)  We had an in-person walk, a stand around supper of nibbles, and then watched ‘Barbie’! Lots of discussion about what the movie was trying to say and how it said it… we all agreed that at the very least the movie has started important conversations about equality.

My saviour is music! I'm playing all my favourites 😀 

We did toy with the idea of a cruise with friends but decided there were still too many unknowns to commit… I want to wait till Mom sees her doctors for her scan results (Thursday), and then I have a followup test for something mid March… and Christina has never stayed here so we felt that an 11 day first trial was too much! What if she finds Lupa a PITA! And honestly, I feel so crap that I can't even imagine going somewhere.

Awesome!

“fresh snow”

“visit with Kirsten”

“Lupa snuggled up against me”

“some rays of sunshine!”

“singing along to favourite songs”

“I feel good today… if I say it often enough will it come true?”

“an afternoon bubble bath with the sun streaming in and reflecting off the water”

torte

 I had, what some people would call, an epic failure in the kitchen a few days ago! To back track a few months, last October I made a flourless chocolate cake for Kirsten's birthday - it was good but the edges were more cooked/dry and the middle bordered on undercooked - I thought it was because my springform pan was too small… I baked it again in January, same springform, and a bit longer, ugh. Not good. Way too dry. But the cake itself is quite good so I wanted to get it right.

Enter Amazon and their plethora of pans… the right size was on it's way. Wednesday I tried again… in the right sized pan… took it out at the right time but it was still a bit sticky on the toothpick but I figured it would cook a tiny bit more out of the oven. I was wrong. When I cut it an  hour later it was raw in the middle. Oh oh.

Time for google… it was clearly too late to pop it back in the oven as it was fully cooled… a few sites mentioned microwave so I gave that a go. It cooked it! So I cut it into pieces as bits were going to different people, but gosh, it was dry. Google again - found a recipe for bread pudding using dried cake! Awesome right? I dashed to the kitchen to package the bits into one bag for the freezer but! It was now HARD AS A ROCK. Seriously hard. As in, can't break a piece in half hard. Well, shoot. The bag of rocks is still sitting on the counter - I'll try making crumbs in the food processor - if I can use a hammer to break it into smaller chunks. I wonder what would happen if I soaked some chunks in milk?

Which brings me to yesterday… after 2 days of reading and searching recipes I decided to try it in the instant pot. Sixty minutes later, after checking it 3 times, the final time with a thermometer (210F for pound cake), it seemed to be done. The result is a moist dense cake that is edible but quite different than the original cake. I trotted it out to Pat, Trudie, & Leo last night for dessert - it got a pass. I am left wondering if it's worth the stress though.

I think it would be more aptly named a ‘torte’ rather than a cake.

In between these cooking fiascos I spent the day Thursday with Mom and Dad - a walk with Dad and then Mom and I took off to get our hair cut! A nice day all round :-) 

Through all these adventures in the kitchen I've been trying to keep myself from being dragged down into the murky depths, but haven't been succeeding 100%... I have been having a real struggle the last week and a half - try as I might I can't seem to shake the malaise. Sometimes my mood gets stuck, usually where I don't want it to, and it's hard to turn the dial back to ‘peaceful easy feeling’!

Awesome!

“finally getting a haircut”

“so so chocolaty”

equality

 The sun is shining once more! That's two days in a row! The sun streaming into the room is lovely but highlights how f'n dirty the west window is! Note to self… 

I was going to start off saying that it's been another lazy few days, but hold the boat! I did an hour walk with Kirsten yesterday AND today! My legs are still jello and a bit sore but gosh! The blood coursing through my veins got me off my behind later in the afternoon yesterday to make ‘french onion baked lentils and rice’ for supper. I'd had the recipe tagged for ages but there was something about it that I wasn't sure about. 

I usually try to follow a recipe more or less exactly when I make it the first time but this time I took some wild detours… It was supposed to have faro, but I don't have any and have never cooked with it before, so I substituted regular basmati rice. Aside from the onions taking almost an hour to caramelise in the instant pot, it was a relatively easy recipe once I translated it to instant pot techniques and is reasonably healthy except for the gruyere cheese melted on the top at the end. We had it as our main (and should have had a salad with it), but I think it would be a great side for pork or even pured for a dip. I've saved it as a favourite.

Today after our walk I made ‘mushroom walnut pate’... vegan (except I used regular butter). It was easy but took ages. First the sliced mushrooms were cooked in a dry pan until they were turning brown and had released their fluid. Then onions… cook more… then rosemary, walnuts, etc… cook more… then finally puree in the food processor. I kept it a bit chunky as I enjoy the crunch of the walnuts. For the test drive, I toasted some of my nut bran bread and spread it thickly… it was good!

Oh, and on the subject of food - my latest iteration of bread has kept its moisture for a few days now - today it started getting crumbly and cannot be sliced thinly but it still toasts up perfectly. I'm glad I kept notes!

I finished reading a book yesterday where the main character had trauma from spousal rape. Did you know that it was LEGAL in the USA and Canada until the mid 80s for a man to rape his wife, and is still legal in some countries (can you guess which ones!). It’s enraging. Speaking of enraging, we've been watching ‘Lessons in Chemistry’ on Apple TV… it takes place in the late 50s, early 60s - it was an awful time to be a woman. Thankfully life has improved for many of us, but not everywhere and not for everyone. We must keep fighting for equality.

I feel blessed that I don't have to live with that equality.

Awesome!

“another sunny day”

“finally 60 minutes done”

“crazy songs that come up in the playlist that Amazon created for me”

house of the rising

 I should have taken a screenshot to prove to myself that I wasn't seeing things or perhaps delusional… yes, a few days ago the weather forecast showed sun for 5 days in a row! Hope blossomed optimistically in my brain! Alas, we are on day 3 of 5 with nary a sunbeam in sight :-(

So what have I done over those dreadful, dreary days? A few things and yet not much at all! Thursday Christina came over so we could discuss her pet sitting! I hope I didn't overwhelm her with info as I do tend to babble on 🤪 We are meeting up again tomorrow - fingers crossed that Lupa behaves and wins Christina over like she has so many other people.

Friday was Costco day, so Carm dropped me off at Mom & Dad's while he did the shopping and oh, so many other errands (including chickpea flour which is being tested in my bread recipe as we speak). We didn't linger for more than a few minutes after Carm came to pick me up - we had dinner plans at 3 at Marie's. 

Our stomachs got the better of us on the way home so we made an unusual decision to pop into Tim Horton's for a breakfast sandwich where we ran into Diane from writing group! It was lovely to catch up - I was reminded of what a wonderful group of people they were. I always felt welcome and included, even though I started well after friend groups had semi-formed. Carm noted how happy I seemed and that I should rejoin 😀 I'm going to give it some thought.

The dogs got to practice standing at the window and howling for the second time in the day… they had a terrible time, but not us! We were celebrating Trudie's birthday with a feast of schnitzel and sides courtesy of Marie. Jirina and David were also there, as well as Liston, Marie's friend. Convivial would be a term to describe the evening.

And yeah, it was cloudy both days. My hopes for sunshine hadn't flagged, Saturday was still to come. Ha! Cloud… ugh. I mooched around all day, weighted down by the low sky, but finally managed to get some leftovers together to feed Pat supper. It wasn't my best effort! But we were all full at the end so I guess that's okay. 

What is it like today you ask? Cloudy. There is still hope!!! Sunshine is in the forecast for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. We shall see! 

Update: the changes I made to the bread recipe worked. I subbed chickpea flour for the cornmeal, and added half a cup of chopped walnuts to the half cup of sunflower seeds. I tried to use a bit less flour, then I baked for a few minutes less (32 min). The crumb is not as dry, in fact while it was warm it was moist. We'll see what it's like tomorrow! (I couldn't get the colour in the photos right, it's not nearly as red as it shows).

Awesome!

“smell of baking bread”

“just the right amount of bran left - emergency trip to the grocery store averted!”

“leftover beef stew - a bit too salty but still edible”

“still light at 5:30!”

“amazing pink sunset”