water woes

It's 11am on Monday and I'm sitting on one of the black plastic (ugh! plastic), adirondack chairs on the back deck. I can't really see the screen with the sun glare but I'll revisit when I'm back inside. So yes!!!! It's sunny and warm. I'm still in my workout shorts and sports bra but I'm hot :-)  Maybe I'll get a tiny bit of sunburn or at the very least a huge dose of vitamin D!

A while later… hurrah! The tiniest haze of pink adorns my beluga white body and vitamin D is coursing through my sun starved cells. The tendrils of summer have pushed aside the dregs of the dreary winter for a few hours… 

We have been without running water since supper time on Saturday - take note of how often you turn on the tap or flush the toilet! Luckily we had some jugs of drinking water (which Carm refilled yesterday from a neighbour) and the pool for flushing. We put a big black bucket of water from the pool on the back deck for a sponge bath later today. We both have a doctor appointment this afternoon so have to somehow get cleaned up. If the pool water was 10 degrees warmer I'd jump in to rinse away a few days worth of living, but alas… it's only in the low 50s F. I am not that hardy! Or desperate!

The boss of the plumber workers dropped by this morning to assess the situation but the guys who do the actual work are on another big job today… our fingers are crossed that they'll have enough time to fit us in. The pressure switch is broken which he thought was due to the bladder in the tank twisting so that might need replacing as well. 

Yesterday we met up with Francine & Ken for supper at a local restaurant. The difficulty in doing dishes was a good excuse to go out! I ordered chicken parmesan, hoping that it would be like the veal parm that they made years and years ago. Alas, it was a poor facsimile although perhaps the simpler tomato sauce and lack of breading made it a bit healthier. HOWEVER! I was not looking for healthy! I wanted the cheesie, salty, fatty version of old! If I wanted healthier I would have ordered the salmon…

Who knows, maybe we'll eat there again tonight if the water situation isn't sorted today.

The lilac tree outside the window is looking a little more green today. I suspect that the heat today will hasten the greening of the fields. Maybe it will even dry up the ground a bit so that farmers can start to get into their fields.

I got Carm to take a few ‘after’ photos of me but he doesn't look at what's in the viewfinder so I have a light sprouting from my head and a bucket emerging from my side. He needs Olaf to give him a little course on looking and seeing! Also, they are at weird angles and since I'm not an experienced model, they all have me standing in really weird ways and none of them flattering…

Way later in the day… the plumbers were here and gone in a flash, leaving just as we had to dash out the door for our appointment. It was the switch so an easy (although expensive) fix. Yay for running water and hurrah for a hot bath!

Awesome!

“a sunburn”

“running water”

“finding 2 pairs of jeans my size at liquidation”

still raining or raining again

Here's a surprise… it's cloudy and raining. It seems like the air itself is grey and just by merely breathing it in, my cells themselves have become grey as well, sapping all energy and motivation! That's okay as I know it's temporary so I'll give myself some grace, letting myself off the hook for doing more than the basics today. 

I did force myself to walk this morning which mentally was good (although it left too much time for rumination)!

The days seem to be flying by! Was it actually only last Monday that I wrote - it seems like ages ago yet was only 5 days ago! I guess it was a semi-busy week with a haircut, zumba, Pat for supper one night and Trudie & Leo for supper last night. That was the extent of my cooking - the rest of the time I gleaned soup from the freezer or sat down to a giant salad. I've had caramelised onion lentils on my menu plan for weeks now but it's a lot of work so I keep shifting the day to make it. 

Yesterday I ‘met up’ with June over the internet for a long walk and chat. She is in Basel, Switzerland so it's fun to get together even virtually! After I collapsed on the sofa for 15 minutes, I got cleaned up and we did a spur of the moment trip into the city to pick up the cases of pomegranate juice that we ordered. Since the shopping centre was just up the road we took a quick trip into the Bay to see what was on clearance. It was sad walking around knowing that after its long history, it would be no more.

I've said (over and over) that the spring has been crappy and cold, yet, out the window to the west I can see the lilac tree that snugs up against the house has buds, and to the north, the tree that the bird feeder hangs from also has buds. The trees say “ ‘F’ you! We are going to grow! Nothing will stop us!”. And in fact it seems that nothing will stop the growth on the bird feeder tree. Half of that maple crashed to the ground a few years ago during an ice storm so Carm had to hack the rest of it down, leaving just a 8 foot ‘stump’, where the woodpeckers have made countless holes, further weakening it. Actually, it's pretty much dead. However, little green leaves are on the crown that grew last year.

I have to channel Nature's power!

Awesome!

“buds on the trees”

“Lupa snuggled up against me on a rainy afternoon”

“A&W burgers for a lazy supper”

“dark chocolate, dates, peanut butter”

cheerleading

Easter has come and gone and still the days are cold… This morning I took the dogs out and had to have the hood of my winter coat pulled over my head. The wind was brisk and chilly. The sun was out but I could see clouds to the west and south so knew the sun wouldn't shine much longer.

Yesterday we made the trek to Kirsten's for a lovely Easter lunch with some of the family. Kirsten made salmon asparagus quiches that were fantastic! I've never made a quiche before but I'm inspired to try… although maybe it can be Kirsten's special dish :-)

It was also Shenna's birthday yesterday so we also got to celebrate with her… 2 kinds of cake for her, and millions of chocolate eggs from the Easter bunny. Kirsten had strategically placed bowls of various kinds of chocolate eggs throughout the house… it seemed that anywhere I stood, a bowl was within arms reach… OR could it have been that I subconsciously made sure that there was one nearby at all times 😀 By the time I rolled into the car to go home I had a slight jittery sick feeling of having had too much sugar. But it was worth it! (and I'd do it again today!)

Last week was mostly quiet. I'm still trying to recover from my crash and it's taking a bit longer than I hoped. My energy has somewhat returned - I'm no longer staying in bed for most of the day, partially disabled with brain fog and fatigue, but it is still a struggle to get through my exercise, and did scale back a certain amount for a few days after I was able to start back up. All said, I wasn't sorry to take a break yesterday. I'm still a bit fragile emotionally so it doesn't take much to knock me back down but I'm like one of those punching bags from the 70s that pop back up with every punch, although a bit deflated!

It probably doesn't help that my sleep is still messed up - short nights are not good for my mental health. The quickest way to screw up my brain is to have a few sleepless nights and unfortunately I've been waking up with the sun and not falling back to sleep for weeks (months?). I don't have the energy to get out of bed so I end up ruminating which is not helpful AT ALL! I have to time my emergence from under the covers to be between hot flashes! Ugh!

Carm has been a big support through all of this with never a complaint when I can't get it together enough to make more than a salad or soup from the freezer for supper. We've eaten A LOT of soup! One of Carm's greatest traits is how easy it is to feed him - he loves soup and can eat it day in and day out. I've mostly been making a sort of bean minestrone without the pasta - I do all my prep in the early afternoon when I have the most energy and then later pile it all into the instant pot so it's ready for supper. I ALWAYS cut up way too many vegetables and sometimes have to cook them separately then add at the end. But it makes 8 huge servings so that's dinner for 4 nights! Not in a row! I'll label a few and pop them into the freezer for another time.

On Wednesday, Carm went with Pat to negotiate for a new car! We are excited for her 😀  There's nothing like that ‘new car smell’ (hmmm… I wonder which chemicals are being released…)

I just had a chuckle when I wrote down the entry in my awesome list about adding another rep. I am my own best cheerleader and can stoke myself up at the tiniest improvement! It took years of practice to get halfway good at it but it's worth the effort! 

Awesome!

“all the ice from the pool is melted”

“ducks in the pond”

“adding another rep! 10 now!”

we are tyred

It's sunny this morning but I can see dark clouds to the west so I guess it isn't going to last for much longer. We did have a little taste of spring on Sunday and Monday but unfortunately I didn’t really get outside to enjoy it.

I'm doing better but not great yet… I’ll be back to myself soon but have had to get through a few days of extreme fatigue and brain fog. I'd forgotten that a swing up is always followed by a crash down that is more physical than emotional. And yes, I guess I did have a swing up first… at least according to Carm… I had little alarm bells in my head last week when I felt I could do everything and anything but I chose to ignore them, hoping that it was just a normal mood state.

Alas… the crash this time was hard mentally but that's mostly passed and I'm left feeling like a damp rag with no energy or strength. My brain is foggy and it's difficult to string two thoughts together, but it's a neutral feeling without upset or anguish. It's almost as if I went through an extreme physical challenge and now I'm left just feeling drained. It's nearly impossible to push through… so I've spent a few days in bed just staring at the ceiling, too fatigued to do more than mindlessly scroll through FB, and even that is too much effort at times. It's almost like having a really bad flu without the congestion but instead of a virus to fight, I'm fighting myself. I have to remind myself that it won't last forever! Soon I'll be raring to go again!

Luckily there isn't too much going on this week! There was zumba yesterday but I stayed at the back of the room and shuffled my feet around, trying to look like I was having fun when all I wanted to do was grab my stuff and wait in the car… but I didn't want to draw attention to myself so I did my best which was pretty darn pathetic! Next class will be better! 😀 

Sunday night we were invited to Trudie & Leo's for supper but I sent Carm by himself and barely emerged from my warm cocoon the whole time he was gone.

Did I mention that we lost Adia for a while on Tuesday last week? It was the snowy day, so we were able to eventually find her tracks which we followed down the creek. This time of year the creek is not a sleepy, meandering waterway but is instead a roaring river that would wash her away to never be found again… luckily we picked up her footprints a bit further down the creek and then saw that she went over a low spot in the fence. Onto the road. Carm went one way and I went the other. Finally, after over 30 minutes of looking and calling I saw her way way way across the field on the other side of the road - a busy, high speed road 😱 . Luckily she was able to hear me and came running. 

Nothing like a bit of adrenaline to start the day!

A sure sign of spring today! We changed the tires from winters to summers :-)  Hopefully that doesn't summon the winter gods back! I say ‘we’ when really it's Carm doing the heavy work. I just stand around looking beautiful and handing him the correct tools - merely decorative and not that useful! But I am a second set of eyes to make sure all the lugs get tightened!

Awesome!

“snow gone again”

“icicles in the pool - we are finally starting to see the giant ice block melt”

“little bursts of sunshine”

I can see clearly now... mostly

It's mid day on Saturday and the snow is mostly gone… AGAIN! Last Tuesday we had over 15cm of snow fall which created a white blanket over everything… ugh… yuck… and boo hiss! But it was pretty and I knew in my head that it was only temporary and would hopefully be gone in a few days… and it was. But it's grey and damp out today, not motivating at all. (update - the sun came out around 4:30).

Well, it became clear on Thursday that the tamoxifen is not going to work for me… I tried wishful thinking and focusing on the positive but it was becoming harder and harder to fight off the thoughts in my head and finally after a bad day on Wednesday and a horrible morning on Thursday the decision to stop it was obvious. It’s been a bit like a rollercoaster - sometimes I'm good and almost hypomanic and then I'll have periods of anxiety and panic, but worst of all, thoughts of ending it all were lodging themselves in my head for longer and longer periods.

I thought I could push through it all, but on Thursday morning the thoughts were so strongly in my head I shut myself in the bedroom trying to escape from myself… I was supposed to drive into the city to spend the night at my parents with Kirsten and Shenna, but honestly, at that point I was pretty sure it would be unsafe for me to drive… 

Thankfully, Carm came in to check on me and didn't leave right away when I told him I was fine. This is the thing - when I'm in that state it is almost impossible to talk or ask for help. I just want to be left alone and withdraw… but that's not the right answer and luckily, for once, I was able to reach out. I don't know how long he stayed beside me but eventually his warmth and presence calmed me until I was able to drag myself away from the precipice and carry on with my day… I'll have to say that it was a bit of an epiphany for me - I tend to internalize my feelings and withdraw, but having that physical and emotional comfort helped more than I ever imagined.  (note to self: remember this; note to Carm: remember this!).

I haven't been as distraught for years. In fact, I went years without thinking about suicide at all, but for the last few months it’s been sneaking into my thoughts more and more often… usually just flitting but sometimes settling in for longer. It was clear to me on Thursday that I couldn't continue with the tamoxifen - it just isn't worth it. Maybe it's too risky.

I'm not telling you all of this to get sympathy or special treatment! In fact I would be devastated if I thought people treated me differently or felt that they had to walk on eggshells around me. I'm generally not very sensitive at all so don't worry! It's my problem to deal with. 

It's nearly impossible to talk about when I'm in the middle of things, and later it's hard to put into words, plus I try to move on and put it behind me. Today I'm taking a closer look back to see what else I could do to mitigate. All my normal activities were not enough - how can I make sure to never get to that place again. Also, putting things into words and sharing through writing is incredibly therapeutic for me. I think that by writing it down, I analyze and try to phrase things in a way that makes sense - it's almost like what I'd do with my old psychiatrist. 

That all happened on Thursday morning… once I started to feel a bit better I forced myself to get up and get cooking. I was determined that I'd still go to Mom and Dad's - I wanted to get a chance to see Shenna before she left for her next rotation. By 3pm I was calm enough to make the drive and I was so glad that I did. Not only were Kirsten and Shenna there, my other niece, Juliette, was there lighting up the room with her beautiful smile.

Friday we mooched around all morning, enjoying each other's company and then I came home to my honey and a couple of wild dogs. Grace gave me a friendly whistle. 

Today I'm okay although not yet awesome - maybe in another day or two. I managed to do my exercise with only a moderate amount of internal encouragement and feel good about that! Actually I will credit exercise with keeping me as level as I have been these last months. Feeling physically stronger is awesome - I get an incredible boost with seeing a new muscle or adding an extra weight or rep! Even when it's hard, I have the satisfaction of knowing that I've done something good for myself.

Awesome!

“being here”

got the all clear

Yesterday afternoon we gathered with ‘old’ coworkers for lunch. For years we would all trapse downstairs in our office tower to chat over a coffee in the morning, or sometimes we'd travel as a group to a favorite restaurant for lunch (Thai and Chinese were our favorites). It was a great time to catch up on what was happening work wise, but also a time to create bonds that have lasted decades. I worked with some great people!

I worked with Deirdre on and off over the years but we were friends beyond work… horses were our common bond. In 1995 (oh gosh! is that actually 30 years ago - I had to get out my calculator cause I didn’t trust my math - it seems impossible!)... anyway, 30 years ago we each leased a horse at a run-down stable with a tiny indoor arena. We'd hack out down the roads that used to be sleepy country roads (they are now high speed throughways…). It was a great time that started me on my quest for my first Fjord horse. Then in 1996 we went on a cattle drive in Alberta. It was perhaps the most awesome 5 days of my life. I got to live, if only for a short period of time, my dream of riding through the prairie landscape.

Jo Ellen and Chris were part of the team that ran the databases for the government department that we worked for. Jo Ellen was a great leader whose support meant so much to me during and after the major depression that triggered me into full blown bipolar. She was a big supporter of Spike. Chris was a friend through almost my entire working career as he started just a few years after me. There were others on the team but my friendship with Jo Ellen and Chris has endured beyond our working years.

I kept it simple for lunch, just a hearty bean soup and freshly made focaccia. Oh, and the rest of the cranberry cake that I had made to take to my overnight visit to Mom & Dad's on Thursday night.

So backtracking one day to Saturday, we met up with Carm's old co-workers and their spouses for supper at a restaurant in town. It was old home week! Saturday was a whirlwind day with lots of cooking including a bit of a rush to get some cooking done for Sunday. Soup is always a bit better the second day so I made it ahead of time - also it made for a more leisurely Sunday morning for me. Thanks to Carm taking over the house cleaning, I was able to fit in my routine and still didn't have to rush around - thanks honey!

The day started off grey, but by the time our guests arrived the sun was shining. 😀 

Thursday, Carm dropped me off at my parents after a quick (and expensive) shop at Costco. Kirsten and Shenna were also there for the night so we had a great time catching up. We even had time to go through a few boxes of dolls that Mom unearthed from her basement… neither Kirsten and I were keen on dolls as children so it wasn't a nostalgic journey into the past. But we did find the Colonel Custer that we got for Christmas in the early 1970s. The horses and chuckwagon that came with him must be around somewhere! Those are the toys that hold fond memories! Kirsten and I were animal crazy straight out of the womb… 

Wednesday we clipped Lupa… she needs a haircut every 65-70 days as she gets pretty scruffy, especially in her face. She was reasonably good, thanks to Carm's steadying hand, but of course got the zoomies right after from the joy of being freed from the grooming table!

On Monday's we have Zumba (that's today too!) - last week I started to feel that I wasn't going to trip on my own feet but there were still times when I basically jogged in place because my feet could not fly like our instructors! Today was not much better… I was distracted and a bit stressed as I was going for a mammogram and ultrasound right after the class… several weeks ago I thought I felt something in my other breast, but luckily they didn't find anything. I'd managed to not think about it too much over the weeks, but it was on my mind this morning and I had trouble not awfulizing… the fear was real… gulp! But YAY - I got the all clear! The radiologist looked at the results while I was still at the hospital - I was grateful to not have to wait days or weeks to hear anything.

The experiment with tamoxifen has been somewhat successful, at least I think it has. I started taking it in the morning as soon as I got up, instead of bedtime… the mid afternoon mood crash was a bit improved although that might be wishful thinking… it did trigger many hot flashes through my exercise which is disruptive and unpleasant, so I've tried taking it afterwards which was maybe better. Will try for another week before I make a conclusion.

Mood wise, I've been pretty good in the morning and into the afternoon but still have a bit of a crash some afternoons… but I've really restricted social media and it is helping. There are a few email newsletters that I read in the morning which are informative but not too hyperbolic…

Spring is being stubborn… we had snow and freezing rain last week on Tuesday… more is forecast for this Tuesday… it feels like winter will never end…

Awesome!

“friends around the table”

“a sunny day today”

“getting a clear result without having to wait”

“new pants! (but the medium yoga pants are going back - they are like sausage casings for my legs!)”