It's mid day on Saturday and the snow is mostly gone… AGAIN! Last Tuesday we had over 15cm of snow fall which created a white blanket over everything… ugh… yuck… and boo hiss! But it was pretty and I knew in my head that it was only temporary and would hopefully be gone in a few days… and it was. But it's grey and damp out today, not motivating at all. (update - the sun came out around 4:30).
Well, it became clear on Thursday that the tamoxifen is not going to work for me… I tried wishful thinking and focusing on the positive but it was becoming harder and harder to fight off the thoughts in my head and finally after a bad day on Wednesday and a horrible morning on Thursday the decision to stop it was obvious. It’s been a bit like a rollercoaster - sometimes I'm good and almost hypomanic and then I'll have periods of anxiety and panic, but worst of all, thoughts of ending it all were lodging themselves in my head for longer and longer periods.
I thought I could push through it all, but on Thursday morning the thoughts were so strongly in my head I shut myself in the bedroom trying to escape from myself… I was supposed to drive into the city to spend the night at my parents with Kirsten and Shenna, but honestly, at that point I was pretty sure it would be unsafe for me to drive…
Thankfully, Carm came in to check on me and didn't leave right away when I told him I was fine. This is the thing - when I'm in that state it is almost impossible to talk or ask for help. I just want to be left alone and withdraw… but that's not the right answer and luckily, for once, I was able to reach out. I don't know how long he stayed beside me but eventually his warmth and presence calmed me until I was able to drag myself away from the precipice and carry on with my day… I'll have to say that it was a bit of an epiphany for me - I tend to internalize my feelings and withdraw, but having that physical and emotional comfort helped more than I ever imagined. (note to self: remember this; note to Carm: remember this!).
I haven't been as distraught for years. In fact, I went years without thinking about suicide at all, but for the last few months it’s been sneaking into my thoughts more and more often… usually just flitting but sometimes settling in for longer. It was clear to me on Thursday that I couldn't continue with the tamoxifen - it just isn't worth it. Maybe it's too risky.
I'm not telling you all of this to get sympathy or special treatment! In fact I would be devastated if I thought people treated me differently or felt that they had to walk on eggshells around me. I'm generally not very sensitive at all so don't worry! It's my problem to deal with.
It's nearly impossible to talk about when I'm in the middle of things, and later it's hard to put into words, plus I try to move on and put it behind me. Today I'm taking a closer look back to see what else I could do to mitigate. All my normal activities were not enough - how can I make sure to never get to that place again. Also, putting things into words and sharing through writing is incredibly therapeutic for me. I think that by writing it down, I analyze and try to phrase things in a way that makes sense - it's almost like what I'd do with my old psychiatrist.
That all happened on Thursday morning… once I started to feel a bit better I forced myself to get up and get cooking. I was determined that I'd still go to Mom and Dad's - I wanted to get a chance to see Shenna before she left for her next rotation. By 3pm I was calm enough to make the drive and I was so glad that I did. Not only were Kirsten and Shenna there, my other niece, Juliette, was there lighting up the room with her beautiful smile.
Friday we mooched around all morning, enjoying each other's company and then I came home to my honey and a couple of wild dogs. Grace gave me a friendly whistle.
Today I'm okay although not yet awesome - maybe in another day or two. I managed to do my exercise with only a moderate amount of internal encouragement and feel good about that! Actually I will credit exercise with keeping me as level as I have been these last months. Feeling physically stronger is awesome - I get an incredible boost with seeing a new muscle or adding an extra weight or rep! Even when it's hard, I have the satisfaction of knowing that I've done something good for myself.
Awesome!
“being here”
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