howling wind

 The wind is howling, its invisible hand thrashing trees and power lines. Luckily it hasn't started snowing yet (it's 2pm) but will this evening… it's going to be wild out there! Nature at her most dramatic.

As it was, even without snow already falling, the roads to the village were snow covered and icy but luckily we didn't have far to go… and what would get us out of the house on a blizzardy January morning? Our first zumba class!!

One morning on the cruise we had picked up coffees in the piazza where a zumba class was going on so we sat down to watch - it looked like a great workout and honestly, I'm all in for anything set to music! We decided then that we'd look into classes when we got back home… and as it turns out, our local municipality organizes all sorts of classes, one of which is zumba - and wouldn't luck be with us - they started today AND are during the day :-) Uncharacteristically,  we actually signed up and didn't just talk about it.

We were like a couple of bumbling idiots but everyone was really friendly and encouraging 😀 But oh boy - walking on the treadmill does not prepare you for an hour of jumping around waving my arms. I'm exhausted and my legs and arms are like rubber. Yay! I did have a long soak in the tub with epsom salts!

It's probably not a surprise that Carm was the only man in a room full of 25+ women but if you know Carm, that doesn't bother him at all - he has never been afflicted with fragile masculinity - hey, he didn't let living in a basically pink 🩷 house define him…

It's funny how the same phrase can mean two different things. I often say that I've pushed myself on the treadmill and yes, there are times when I push myself to exercise and to exercise hard, to test my limits. I might be tired but I still feel strong and can feel my muscles working - it feels good and I feel powerful (ha ha, relatively!). It’s a bit of a high… Then there are times when I have to push myself to even get moving. Those days are harder, both physically and mentally. But even on those days, or maybe especially on those days, I feel like I've accomplished something good for myself. 

A few hours later… wind has picked up even more and I can definitely tell that I used some muscle today, I'm a bit stiff and rubbery!

A few more hours… lots of roads have been shut down due to drifting snow ❄️ 

Awesome!

“zumba”

“snow holding off till we were home”

“subaru came through with an expensive ˋgood willˋ repair”

chilly

I haven't decided which is worse… hot flashes or cold chills… I've ‘enjoyed’ hot flashes for years and years now but they got a bit worse after I started tamoxifen, which is a selective estrogen receptor modulator… i.e. it blocks estrogen which feeds breast cancer… but also, when I started taking it I also started getting more and more cold chills and now I'm freezing all the time except if I'm having a hot flash!!! It's a crazy ride! Especially when they happen at the same time! I went from wearing a camisole and shorts to bed to cami, heavy flannel pjs and covers over my head. Yikes! It's very unpleasant! 

Poor Carm has done the lion's share of taking the dogs out for months now - between being exhausted and freezing to death I'm loath to go outside into the cold, instead I'm usually bundled under a blanket. Who knew that the quilt Jo Ellen arranged for me to get from Victoria's Quilts would be used on a daily basis!

But!!!! I'm coming out of the gloom and my energy is slowly coming back! On Monday, after months of struggle with my mood, I decided that I'd go off the tamoxifen until I see the oncologist mid February. My mood improved immediately! Obviously all the side effects have been wearing me down and just the thought of a break boosted me. 

Tamoxifen has a half life of 7 days so it will take forever to get out of my system - I'll need the 4 weeks before my appointment for side effects to go away. For my stage and type of cancer, I believe the benefit of the T. is only a few percentage points less risk of recurrence (your mileage may vary)… BUT! I was finding that my mood made it harder and harder to do the things that are healthy for me and that will ALSO reduce risk of recurrence. I was finding it too easy to binge eat chocolates and other sweets and there were days that I didn't exercise at all. My other food choices weren't always the greatest either. And let's be honest, sitting like a lump on the sofa with feelings of doom and depression nipping is not the best!

So, that was Monday. Since then I've walked 22 miles (34km) on the treadmill and ridden the exercise bike 3 miles! Today during my 60 minute walk I included two ¼ mile laps, with a slower break in between, of 8% incline (the highest ours will go) and 4mph/6.4kph. It was hard and the sweat was pouring off me but I did it! I wouldn't have been able to do even one minute at that intensity a year ago :-)  This week I've started using some weights with a bit more consistency and can see the faint beginnings of muscles :-) Give me another few weeks and I'll be kicking butt!

Tuesday morning Kirsten picked me up and we went to look at some Bernese Mountain Dog puppies… they were so gosh darn cute but not a breed for me - way way too much hair. But they were lovely! And the adults were equally nice :-) There have been periods in my life that I have been obsessive in my quest to hoard pets! Not anymore. I'm pretty sure that Carm isn't missing the relentless pressure 😜

On Monday I finished the 14 days of wearing the Holter monitor. Oh! Maybe I've been so darn cold this week because I don't have the warm battery pack against me 24/7…

My most recent food obsession is toasted pumpernickel topped with a mushroom spread, grilled tofu, sprouted lentils that I sauteed with garlic and chili peppers, some broccoli sprouts and then the whole thing is topped with a fried egg. So delicious! And a nice deviation from the buckets of soup that we have been eating.

Awesome!

“having a bit more energy”

“A few sunny days”

“it was still light at 5pm!”

“Lupa freshly shorn”

celebrate

Ten thirty am on Sunday… the rhythmic ‘whosh’ of the dishwasher lulling me into a groggy doze on the sofa. Last night we hosted a little birthday party for Trudie which must have been a bit of a success as the last people left at 11:30! 

We were all happy to gather to celebrate with Trudie - her birthday often goes uncelebrated as they are usually somewhere warm this time of year… alas, I believe southern trips are off the table for them going forward though… life sometimes throws curveballs that hit us out of nowhere and somehow we just have to cope and do our best to make each day count.

We basically did a ‘re-do’ of the New Years Eve menu with a bit less food - almost everything got eaten so I didn't way way over cater!!! Jirina brought homemade cream puffs which were absolutely wonderful :-) Who doesn't love a cream puff? Gio brought a giant panettone imported from Italy. It has to be the best panettone that I've ever had - it was so light and fluffy and the flavour so citrusy :-) Marie brought a huge tray of cold meats - I think she overcaters as well!

Lupa of course loves these gatherings… once she gets over her initial apprehension, then she's all over everybody's laps, settling for a few minutes with each person before moving on. I've long given up trying to train her away from guests, but it's a losing battle as most people seem charmed to have her visit them… speaking of Lupa - today is her 3rd ‘getting day’ anniversary! It seems we've had her forever, but it's ‘only’ been 3 years! She was a little puff of scraggly hair ❤️ The first few weeks I lamanted getting her… I was still grieving for Spike and with her few weeks of nightly diarrhoea, and non-stop motion, I was seriously sleep deprived. But here we are now and if I were to go back in time, I'd still pick her 😀 

Last night was our 5th ‘gathering’ here since mid December which is some sort of miracle as there have been many days where I've barely gotten out of bed and I'm pretty sure I've worn the same clothes for a week… I've felt a bit perkier the last few days - I think the benefit of having a responsibility that cannot be shifted to someone else (and Carm is very good about picking up the slack when I'm down), should not be downplayed. I had to get up and get things done so guess what… I did. It wasn't easy at first but it did get easier.

I did spend 3 days this past week in a bad way though… perhaps the worst I've been for ages… I wouldn't say I'm exactly depressed but I was well on my way to getting there. I don't feel sad or like crying, but I do have an overwhelming feeling of dread and a strong desire to isolate. Staying in bed with the curtains drawn and the covers over my head was about all I could manage. When the chemicals shift in my brain, words get stuck in my throat making it difficult to communicate… It's like being in some sort of mute grey cocoon devoid of caring. Cause that's really what it boils down to - I just didn't have the energy to care about anything…

I don't give him a shout out often enough, but gosh, I don't know where I'd be without Carm's constant, steady presence… The last year has had a lot of ups and downs and some challenges, but everything felt doable with Carm by my side. And on those days when I can barely function, I might not say much but I do appreciate his support and that he doesn't put extra pressure on me… I'm generally hard enough on myself!

Awesome!

“gathering of friends for Trudie's birthday”

“cream puffs & panettone”

“Lupa making new friends”

blah

The last week has passed in a blur of inactivity… my motivation and energy levels have hit new lows and honestly, I'm having trouble dragging myself back to the land of the living… and barely care if I do… Usually by now I would be sick of myself which would somehow help to realign me… that is not happening at all… well, maybe I have a modicum more caring today than I did yesterday, but will it be enough to get me out of bed tomorrow morning?

I haven't been on the treadmill for days…

I know some of this is seasonal but I also wonder how much of it is tamoxifen… I've been running numbers in my head to suss out where the risk/reward line lies for me, at this point I might ask the oncologist about stopping it for a month or two to see if my mood improves and other side effects abate. I see him mid-February so still have lots of time to weigh my options. And who knows - maybe I'll feel great this time next week!

Thank goodness for the giant pot of soup I made last week as I've not been cooking much… tonight I dug out a soup from the freezer, so yes, more soup. I will be forever grateful that Carm loves soup and would not complain if I served it to him night after night. I'm not so far gone that I don't appreciate that I have it pretty good!

We've been binge watching ‘Rick Steves Europe’ for the last few weeks - I've learned so much art history!

Awesome!

“half way through January”

well into 2025 already

It's obviously been cloudy here for ages as yesterday was the first day in forever that the sun was shining in my eyes while I sipped my afternoon tea on the sofa. Yes, full blazing sun! It's fantastic :-) And here we are, well into 2025 already!

We celebrated the arrival of the new year in traditional fashion. Cathey, Jim, Trudie, Leo, and Pat, joined us for an evening of eating and laughing. It was subdued compared to some of our more recent NYE, as we were without Olaf & Steph to liven up the party. As usual, I made too much food. 

I made the fig & caramelised onion goat cheese dip with focaccia again. We had wings, roasted carrots wrapped in prosciutto, stuffed mushrooms, lots of veggies & dips. I made a ‘dirty martini’ dip with blue cheese & gin soaked olives which was good. We made food that never got served! No complaints though - it was great to have leftovers for 2 nights!

Last Saturday we made the trek into town to celebrate Stephanie's birthday. We couldn't remember the last time that we had driven into the city at night - it was probably years! Of course it was snowing… But we did it, and it was nice, although we probably won't return to the same restaurant - it was easily a 1 star meal!

Aside from all of that, there's been an awful lot of malingering on the sofa… I tried fasting two days ago but only made it to the 24 hour mark before binging on all sorts of unhealthy foods - I just can't seem to get back on track no matter what I tell myself…

My energy has not returned, but I have been forcing myself to walk on the treadmill or ride the bike… I've not been going hard at it yet… I'm wearing a holter monitor for 2 weeks so I have (!) to cut back on some of my plank exercises as the monitor and wires get all tangled up! Or that's my excuse…

I never did get much ‘Christmas’ distributed around the house this year so it was a simple task to wrap the tree in its sheet and get Carm to carry it back down to the basement and voila! most of the cleanup was done… oh, there are a few tiny trees left which will only take a few minutes to put away but I'll wait till February or March. 

I would really like to ‘care’ again…

Last night we had a lovely winter dinner at Trudie & Leo's. In years past this would have been a weekly occurrence and the nights would have been late with more than one bottle of wine emptied. Now it's much less frequent and not even half a bottle gets consumed. 

Today, after a quick haircut in the village, we dashed to liquidation. I picked up a few random things, and Carm got a solar light, but honestly, there's not much interesting… HOWEVER on the way home we saw a wolf on the side of the road. Carm stopped and backed up - we stared at each other for quite a while before it ambled off.

Awesome!

“a bit of sunshine”

“dogs asleep in a sun spot”

“welcoming in the new year with friends”

“getting home after a snowy drive”

“a wolf!”