while it lasted

Well, that didn't last long… from about 2pm on Sunday to 2pm on Monday I felt great… One day of ‘normal’ and now I'm back deep into anxiety about everything… I'm always an optimist or pessimist, depending on which way on the pendulum my mood swings - if I'm depressed, it will never end… also, if I'm on the upside, I think that it will never end… hurray and alas for being wrong…

For the last several months I've been so wrapped up in fatigue and teetering on the edge of depression, that I've not been there for people, both friends and family. So many people I care about are having their own issues, but I can't seem to get myself together to help out where I could. I don't know how to get past this stagnation and its accompanying spiral of guilt. 

Then there's the piles of stuff around the house that need addressing, but I look at them and feel defeated and wonder if this will be my life for the next 4 ½ years... 

But I had one day! Surely there will be more…

Somehow though, I'm able to exercise and eat reasonably well most days, so not all is lost! I can't seem to heal my brain but gosh darn! I'm not going to give up on my body as well! 😱  I guess it's one thing that I seem able to control so my efforts go there, leaving not much left for anything else…

A quick dash into the google rabbit hole suggests that tamoxifen has shown promise in diminishing bipolar mania, but it can also trigger bipolar depression. So there's always that 😞 … I'll just make up my mind to get through it… will the power of positive thinking be enough?

ENOUGH WHINING!

Zumba was great yesterday (it was in the morning before the crash). I was starting to know where my feet should be based on the beat of the music. Oh sure, some of the steps were too fast for me so I just jogged in place, but I got some! It energized me so I got onto the treadmill for a leisurely walk when we got home - part way through is when I nosedived…

The owl was back again! This time I got a blurry photo - I really had to zoom in as it was all the way past the barn. We've still got some snow on the ground, but I'd estimate that 90% of the field has melted. It was a slow and orderly melt this year - the creek flooded as usual but the waters went down quickly once the river's ice jam had released. The last few days have been grey with spatters of snow and rain… and the upcoming week looks like more of the same with little sun…

Awesome!

“24 hours of feeling like my own self!”