Advocate

Sunday night we met friends at Sol d' Acapulco down on the St. Lawrence, a good 45 minute drive. The visit had been on and off again due to the weather, but at the last minute we decided it was clear to go. It was great to reconnect with our friends but as we sat there I could see the snow starting to fall - my stress levels started rising, but I figured it was a local event... not so lucky.

The road was snow covered and slippery so we crawled along at not much faster than 60km. Suddenly, stepping out of the gloom was a big deer. Carm braked hard, but we had no chance of missing it and nipped it with the corner of the car. With hearts beating hard, we stepped outside the car to see if we could see the deer, and to check out the damage. The front faring was popped out under the headlight, but we couldn't see any cracks. We'll take it to the auto-shop as soon as it warms up a bit (-20C today).  There was no sign of the deer which had only experienced a light blow and it had apparently scampered off into the night.

No sooner were we clear of the impact sight when the snow started falling again, hard. White-out conditions obliterated the road. It seemed an eternity, but eventually the snow stopped and we had an uneventful drive the rest of the way. (note to self: never again)

That was some of our excitement for the night! The other excitement, one that made me more upset, took place over the last 1 1/2 weeks, cumulating in a disturbing discovery last night.

I haven't been feeling well for the last two weeks - dizzy and light-headed, nauseous, tired and a glass of beer or wine would make me feel terrible. I wondered what was wrong with me. After a week I started thinking about the new form of one of my meds that I started taking around the time this all stopped. There was a label on the bottle stating that it was the same drug even though it looked different. Ok. Was it a new generic drug that I was reacting to? The side-effects were suspiciously similar to the known effects of this particular med. I took the bottle to Costco to ask some questions. The pharmacist assured me that nothing had changed. I continued to feel sick, maybe even worse.

Last night I discovered that I had a few leftovers of the old pill so laid the old and new out on my hand to show Carm. How could it be the same formulation when the new pill was so much bigger? Looking at them side by side, I noticed that the smaller one had a RI 1 inscribed on it, while the bigger one was stamped with RI 3. WTF!!!! I went online to see how this drug is labelled and sure enough, the number represents the dose! I am supposed to take 1mg a night. Costco had given me a TRIPLE dose!!! To say I am upset is an understatement.

Unfortunately the 1/2 life of this med is 24 hours (compared to 20 min for Aspirin), so it will be days before it has reduced down to my old level... in the meantime I'll be taking a trip to Costco :-(

This is not the first time that they've screwed up. Like many meds, taking the wrong dosage can cause serious side-effects, and even permanent harm. Many of the psychiatric drugs must be incremented slowly (both up and down) as there are some fatal side-effects possible. I’m upset with them, but even more, I’m upset with myself for being so slow to figure it out.

The moral of this story: know your meds and double check.

She has a memory of trees and fields and nothing more.
~James Thurber, The White Deer

Pull the trigger

The warm-up at the writing group today was ‘what are 3 things that people might not know about you’. The first two answers popped into my head right away, and I may have already talked about them here (goodness knows I babble about a lot of things). The third thing was a bit raunchy…....

When I was in my early 20s I used to ride a motorcycle. My Suzuki gn400 was the first big thing that I bought (see photo below). I fed a live rat to a big boa constrictor. I was the first woman to go to a Carleton University engineering stag that wasn’t a stripper – the female engineers started joining the party after that :-o

I have a few things partially written about mental illness, but didn't clue in to yesterday's 'Bell Let's Talk' day until later in the evening, too late to finish one off so I will share today. Ten years ago, when I was first diagnosed, there was very little discussion about mental illness and I felt like a maverick with my openness. It was always my hope that my small contribution to squashing stigma might help someone. Imagine the number of people that find help due to Bell's initiative!

Pull the trigger on a gun and a bullet will speed out looking to do harm. That isn't the only kind of trigger that is destructive - in bipolar circles we call anything that initiates a mood episode a trigger, and while they won't necessarily kill you (in desperate circumstances they can), they do create havoc.

Triggers can include not having a regular sleep schedule with enough sleep hours; not eating meals at regular times; not taking medications as prescribed; not having the right amount of social contact (too much and it triggers into hypo-mania, not enough and depression starts to creep in); having contact with the wrong sorts of people; indulging in unhealthy thinking; the list goes on.

Once I've identified a trigger I can start to manage my illness. I can take control of sleep. I can choose not to be around people that cause discomfort (fyi - I don't know any of those people and was only using as example to others!). Although it often isn't easy, reminding myself to monitor my thoughts greatly increases my mental well-being (see yesterday's link to the 13 things).

Bipolar disorder is an illness that requires constant vigilance to stay well, and part of that is managing triggers. It doesn't mean that I will have no mood swings - I am sometimes ill despite my best efforts - but it does limit the number and usually the severity.

I'm lucky that I have a spouse that is supportive of my efforts so that I've been able to arrange my life for optimum health.

 

A desire to be in charge of our own lives, a need for control, is born in each of us. It is essential to our mental health, and our success, that we take control. ~Robert Foster Bennett

extraordinary hues

I was stretched out on the futon, luxuriating in the sunspot and wondering what trivia I'd think of to write about. A bit of movement outside by the road caught my eye. It looked like someone thinking about turning around at the top of our driveway so I watched for a moment and, as the vehicle backed in, the words FEDEX caused me to jump up, dogs spilling every which way. Santa was coming and I had a pretty good idea what he was bringing.

Carm ran out before the driver gave up on our gate and through our window I could see a very large brown package grasped in Carm's arms. Like a sail propelled by winter winds, the box rushed Carm back to the house. We carefully, (and I mean carefully), ripped open the package to reveal the huge canvas reproduction of Van Gogh's Almond Blossoms that we ordered for the front hall.

There is a billboard sized wall that faces the front door, its bareness a slight irritant to me since we could never figure out what to put there. The Van Gogh episode of Dr. Who inspired me to go on the internet looking for more of his work, not with the hallway in mind, just idle curiosity. I've always loved 'Starry Nights', and the one with the crows speaks to me as well. I wasn't thinking of the hall until this reproduction jumped out at me - I loved its vibrant colours and cheerful subject. THAT was what I wanted to see every time I came in the door - a reminder of spring and rebirth and life itself, painted against a brilliant blue that reminded me of a summer sky. I recalled the apple blossoms in the trees in front of our house that flush with pale pink in the spring.

I'm often a bit hypomanic in the spring when these blossoms start to form. I’m like a super hero whose senses have been enhanced – colours especially seem to take on more extraordinary hues. The picture reminds me of that delicious, delirious state of euphoria, contrasting the long grey days that chase me at the end of winter. Perhaps what I love best about Van Gogh is his ability to express on canvas my feelings and emotions.

For a wild change of topic: Sometimes when I look at the stats for my blog I notice that older posts have been read by somebody. I often click on the link to see what I wrote. It is fun to see what I was doing and thinking in the past, although often I am slightly horrified at what I had written. "Why did I use that word?", "I should have written it this way", are some of the things I say to myself.

I remind myself that seeing fault means that I may be improving my skills - which is a good thing ;-) .

 

I experience a period of frightening clarity in those moments when nature is so beautiful. I am no longer sure of myself, and the paintings appear as in a dream.

~Vincent Van Gogh

WYL #31 Who are you really

Have you ever given any thought as to who you really are? I don’t normally give it much thought, but in the past I struggled mightily at times. When depression puts me into a fog, or medication side effects dull my mind I have to remind myself that this is not who I am and that I am the same person underneath the side effects. It took me a long time to understand this, but when I did it became easier to accept my illness. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

On a better note – I’ve got happy tales for the next few topics!

~

My hand hovered over the pill bottle as I thought back to the last two days. Energy had flowed through my body as if I had been powered by a lightning strike and ideas swirled in my mind like Dorothy's house in the tornado. I had so much that I wanted to do - did I really want to put an end to it?

Getting back to normal, whatever that meant, would be the smart thing to do. I knew what usually followed an energy surge like this, and it wasn’t pretty. But maybe it will be different this time, I thought to my self, and besides which, this flash of vigour felt good - much better than the flat mood I was normally in, where beauty wasn’t found at every glance and the stars didn’t glow in the sky like so many diamonds. “One more day” I promised myself, the allure too much to resist, and I turned away from the bottle.

I lay in bed that night staring at the ceiling, plans for home renovations formulating in my head. From painting the bathrooms, new flooring in the bedroom, finishing a room in the basement, I mapped every step in my head until even the smallest detail was carefully planned (or so I thought). The dark sky was just barely tinged with light when I leapt out of bed to start.

Everywhere I turned there was mess and disorder - I couldn’t stand it. My thoughts were jumbled like an errant string of Christmas lights, ideas bright but out of order; my mind zipped around trying to create some order. Anything sitting out in plain view was likely to be stashed away in a box somewhere, unless it was a tidily ordered vignette that somehow pleased my eye. I dashed from one spot to another, disorganized and frantic. I knew I had let things go too far and headed to the cupboard where I had resisted normality so many days before. I knew the meds wouldn’t put an end to it, but would at least stop further escalation.

A few hours later the swirling in my head had slowed down a bit. For the next two weeks I kept up with the extra meds, and was flying along just above ground level and not soaring into the clouds with the Canada Geese that were passing by.

I was standing there, in Canadian Tire next to a pile of hockey equipment, I think they were gloves, when the crash happened. It was as if a hypnotist had snapped his fingers to suddenly end the spell and then dropped a truck load of cement onto me, coating my limbs with a heavy burden that made it hard to move. Suddenly the string of bright lights in my head became a tangle skein of wool carded into a mass of fuzz - thoughts came slowly and with difficulty.

We left the store and packed my new craft table into the backseat. I had to finish staining the furniture no matter how I felt. Dragging the table down to the basement, I almost tripped over the 12 gallons of paint at the bottom of the stairs. The sight of them overwhelmed me and I choked back tears of frustration - why couldn’t it have lasted? Just a few hours ago the same sight had caused an upwelling of excitement. Polar opposites. I didn’t know how long I’d be dragged down into this cavern of low energy and negative thinking and tried to delude myself that it wouldn’t be as long as the bright energy had lasted.

But who am I really? It is hard to remember at times, but I am not my mood, I am not bipolar, I merely have bipolar disorder. It is not who I am, although it does effect how I live my life. I have struggled and railed against defining myself by my illness, in the beginning it was hard not to. But life has taught me that I am still essentially myself. I laugh and I cry like everybody else. I am an animal lover; I am empathetic and cry for others; I value nature, the sun and the earth; I value honesty; I am a clown and jump out from behind corners; I am organized and precise; I follow rules; I like to think that I am funny.  I am me.

~

I’m not bipolar, I’ve just had a bipolar life foisted upon me. ~Daniel O'Malley, The Rook

The Weather Outside is Frightful

If we had a fire it would be so delightful!

We actually got off pretty lightly with this storm. The snow was combined with rain so the accumulation was not the 25 to 30 cm predicted, but instead we got heart-attack producing heavy rain drenched snow. Oh, and high winds. At times the trees were lashed so violently against the house it seemed that it might come down around our heads!

(as a side note to the weather, the city weather station mentioned that they got 27cm!)

I took the opportunity of being trapped in the house all day to do a bit of healthy cooking. First, I showed Carm how to make the "lemony lentil soup" so that he can make it while I'm away (fyi 19 days till I leave!). Then I made some vegan peanut butter oatmeal "cookies". This year for New Years Eve I'm going to go with an Italian theme, so I marinated some olives in rosemary, and some in thyme (and other stuff) - I've never made it before, and of course didn't use a recipe, and always I do these things for guests, so my fingers are crossed that they turn out tasty!

The other thing I made was "Italian Stuffed Peppers", adjusting the recipe to fit our eating guidelines. They turned out great and will be a good vegetable accompaniment for New Years supper.

It seems that we have escaped oblivion! No end of the world after all! I didn't actually see that much hype about it, although I'm sure if I surfed on over to some survivorist blogs there would have been lots to see (remember how much there was for Y2K!). I wonder how many people sold all their stuff and moved to the mountains for nothing? I laugh about it now, but do remember being upset by a similar end of world scenario when I was 10 or 11.

I know I have mentioned it, and you might be able to tell by what I write, but I haven't been feeling all that great for the last month or more. The last few days have finally seen some change, but it has been a long haul. One of the things that is recommended to help with managing my illness is to keep a mood log. Mine keeps track of weather, sleep times, awake times, weight, medications, and mood. It is very useful to keep this information on a daily basis especially when things start to go off track. I keep it on a file in my tablet, but print it, and my diary entries off into a book that I can take to my doctor to discuss how things are going. Sometimes I'm a bit slow... but the other day I went back to last years entries, and sure enough - right there in writing - I could see that from mid November until the beginning of January things were rough. So what I am going through is a normal part of my mood spectrum and nothing to really worry about. Just knowing that made me feel a little better. Anyway, I highly recommend anyone with mental illness problems keep a log like mine. If I were really smart I'd figure out if any of the triggers could be mitigated... like maybe doing all the Christmas shopping by the end of summer... hummm... I'm going to have to really give this some thought.

We build statues out of snow, and weep to see them melt.

Walter Scott

My Eyes are Blind I Cannot See

I have not got my specs with me... I have... not... got... my... specs... with... me.

Actually I do have my specs with me - 4 new pairs were delivered by courier this afternoon. This is the second time I've ordered from Zenni Optical online glass place. This time I ordered 2 pairs with transitions lenses and 2 pairs of regular lenses. All but 1 pair fit well, the one that doesn't will just have to have the arms bent a tad. They are a new prescription and it is nice to see well again!

We were lucky with the weather again yesterday and today so we did a few more things out in the camper. The rest of the Ikea kitchen rails were installed - I love them! We also took the fireplace apart again and Carm took the motor to a "guy" who got it running better. The flame effect is now working perfectly. I can't wait to spend a romantic evening :-) In the meantime though we hope to have supper out there one more night, and maybe have my parents over so they can see our new shack.

I've been feeling pretty rough the last week or two, but today it seems to have lifted somewhat. I'm not sure if it is because I got on the treadmill that I feel a bit better or if I got on the treadmill because I already felt a bit better. You know, days and weeks go by where I feel just fine, and then wham... not so great again. It is hard to keep remembering that I'll be good again if I just keep at it and not give in to the desire to pull the covers over my head. Also, knowing when to increase medications temporarily can be hard as well. I tend to wait too long as I don't like giving in. But I think that just extends the misery.

The world is round so that friendship may encircle it.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Comfort Food

I've got to change my playlist... I've been feeling anxious, irritable and just generally awful the last few days - I think the ongoing grey skies have been effecting my mood - at least I hope that's it. I moped around all day today, with just a short trip out to the Dollar store, it was too grey and cold to venture on a walk. Finally I ended up in the tub with my current fav playlist playing. Starry Starry Night by Don Maclean came on and as I listened to the lyrics I couldn't help but shed a tear for Vincent (Van Gogh) or was it myself I was shedding that tear for? I was deep into a mire of self pity about not having a normal brain. It doesn't seem fair to have everything be just that much harder to get through.

Part of my stress is suitcase related. I have a 15lb limit for my carry on to NZ. My bag weighs 10lb. Empty. Well that is just stupid. Carm says they won't check, but what if they do? From what I could read online at some comment sites they do check the occasional bag - what if it is mine? Do I just dump everything? Or maybe stuff the contents into a paper bag and leave the suitcase behind. I can feel my blood pressure go crazy just thinking about it. Breathe breathe breathe.

Maybe a cup of tea will be the ticket? Or a shot of Amarone ;-) Comfort food would be the ticket too. Hummm.... maybe butternut squash risotto with roasted green beans. Comfort but healthy (since I already tried the comfort but unhealthy).

What we see depends mainly on what we look for.

John Lubbock

There IS an App for That!

When I was on the treadmill this morning I started thinking about some of the stuff I've read recently about the cognitive effects of bipolar. Some of these problems are related to the drugs used to treat it - I could barely string two thoughts together when I was on a higher dose of Lithium - but many are related to the disorder itself. It is only recently that the cognitive decline has been spoken about, and they are suggesting that problems with organizing and planning are areas that are affected. This makes sense to me as years ago I had to start implementing tools to help me do what I used to do easily.

We used to entertain regularly and it wasn't unusual for me to make a meal with several courses, no written plan needed. Now when we entertain I need a detailed schedule/plan to get even a simple supper on the table at a reasonable time. I have to schedule things like when the oven gets turned on, when food goes in and goes out of the oven, what time to start chopping vegetables, what cleaning needs to be done. In other words I have to have EVERYTHING written down - in 5 minute increments. I thought it was just me, but I've been reading of others with bipolar who have similar problems.

This explains why the spare bed is covered in clothes arranged by type. It is still 2 months before I go, but I just can't keep a picture in my head of what I have and what I might need (not much). Shouldn't there be an app for that? Plus as I go through the clothes on the camper I just add them to the pile so I don't have to go out to the camper when it is -20C. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

[on edit: it seems there might be an app for that after all, I've downloaded one to try out - will report tomorrow!]

Speaking of the camper... it is all put to bed for its winter hibernation. We finally decided that we weren't going to make it out for one last hurrah. So there it is - winter time... It isn't a big process to get the water system winterized, but carrying in the tons of food is a little more time consuming. I swear, we could have lived for a week or two without hitting the grocery store... as long as we didn't mind canned food!

Carm made a fresh loaf of bread this afternoon, so since I'd had just a very light breakfast, spent 43 minutes on the treadmill, and hadn't had lunch yet I decided to splurge. After I was done I went onto Calorie Count to add it to my food log for today. Since I had weighed the slice I could be more precise (I entered the recipe some time ago) - WTF!!! 303 calories in ONE slice of bread!!! And that's BEFORE anything put on it. There must be some mistake with that, cause really! The crazy thing is I could have had 1 McDonald's hamburger and still had 53 calories to spare (of course that's hardly a healthy option, but still). It was disturbing!

In fact it was so disturbing that I just said to he$$ with that and ordered Chicken Shwarma for supper. Oh my, it was ever so garlicky! And 1/2 of it is in the fridge for tomorrow ;-) Tomorrow's will surely count for zero calories (won't it). We are just one week away from the end of the first challenge, and here I am stuffed with chicken and garlic sauce...

I thank you God for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes.

e. e. cummings

Discombobulated and Blue

We've been back home for a few days now (since Thursday). It is strange to have so much space - the hallway to the bedroom is almost as long as the whole camper - but it is surprising how quickly we spread ourselves out to make use of the extra. The weather took a turn for the worse after we left with days of rain in the forecast so it is just as well we are home. Sure, I don't mind a day or two when we are camping, but the rain does make it a pita with the dogs and all the mud and water they track inside. And sometimes they are loath to stay out long enough to get their business done, which paradoxically means more time in the rain for them.

I don't know if it is the grey days, being back home, or the letdown after so many days of feasting but I've been feeling discombobulated and blue. I woke up that way on Friday and haven't been able to shake it. I even MADE myself get on the treadmill this morning to see if that would get my blood flowing enough to help, but no. I suppose it is all part of the cycle and will pass when it does. But in the meantime I have to make like I'm British and "Keep Calm and Carry On"!

I'm also up 5 pounds from my lowest point in June. I can't seem to figure out how to maintain, and how not to go all crazy with treats. I think I have the basics of a good diet, but let too many things interfere. Or make excuses about eating the bad stuff. The insane part is, when I'm eating all the junk and sweets I don't feel good - but instead of using that feeling to help keep me on the straight and narrow, the bad stuff wants to be followed by more bad stuff. How sick is that! Okay - here's my challenge - lose that 5 pounds by the end of October - that should be easy right? Here we come "Eat to Live"!

 

Unless a tree has borne blossoms in spring, you will vainly look for fruit on it in autumn.
Walter Scott

Rekindle the Inner Spirit

It rained cats and dogs last night so we cuddled up and watched a silly movie - Tower Heist with Ben Stiller - he always cracks me up since seeing him in Zoolander which might be one of the funniest movies ever. It was a cute movie, although there were some parts that I had to cover my eyes - serious fear of heights made it such that I couldn't watch the scenes from the top of the building.

I never mind a rainy day or night in the camper. It is so comfortable to me, not just physically, but emotionally as well. When ever I walk into it I have a feeling of being home.

After such a wet night, and with the forecast calling for showers and cloudy for Saturday we were pleasantly surprised that we had to roll down the awning to get out of the blazing sun! What a bonus :-)  It was perfect for a nice long walk with the dogs and then curling up with a book (Still Kristin Lavransatter: I). I'm  up to page 178 already - I'm finding it easier to read, perhaps my brain is getting used to the English.

Just a few minutes ago I wanted another water bottle so I asked Spike to bring it to me. He had been asleep but he got up right away and brought it to me. No encouragement needed. But he did get a little treat for being such a good little dog (for a change!). Speaking of the dogs they had a great chew yesterday and today on some lovely big knuckle bones that Trudie had given them. I don't think there is anything much happier than a dog with a bone, except maybe a dog with a bone camping.

We were in Morrisburg this afternoon looking to refresh the stock of junk food. It's birthday week you know so that's my excuse to indulge. While we were in Giant Tiger we found some more sparklers. Now I have 4 packs of 8 - not 50, or even close to 50, but it should be enough to celebrate with. I'm thinking I'll light 5 in the morning, 5 in the afternoon, then another 5 when we open the bubbles, and 5 more with dessert, and 5 at bedtime. That's 5 times with 5 sparklers which still doesn't add up to 50, but if I think hard enough I'm sure I can find a way to make it make sense! It is a pretty lame celebration I know - just Carm and I and a bunch of sparklers - but I can't think of anything else. Plus I had that fantastic trip to Alberta with my parents - that has much meaning for me.

The other day Ruth commented about not knowing what to do to help when I'm in a depressed state. I can only speak for myself but guess that others are the same - when I'm in that state of mind I can't ask for help, it is just too hard and I just want to be left alone, BUT at the same time I desperately want/need personal contact. Don't take my word for it! Leaving me alone with my thoughts is the worst thing as they can spiral down into places the mind should never go.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you suspect someone is depressed please reach out, with a phone call or email or in person - even if at first they turn away. There have been a few times that Ruth has sent me emails exactly when I needed them, it seems to me she's called at the right moment too (thank you for that). Please don't take it personally if the person rebuffs you at first, cause it is not you they are rebuffing, but is really themselves. Family and friends are more important than you can imagine to a depressed person. They may be life and death important.

Whew... that was hard to write as it conjured up so many feelings... but now it is time to get back to thinking when I'm going to sparkle all those sparklers!

(If it be your Will sung by Antony just played in my mp3 player - I can't get enough it)

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. Albert Schweitzer

What a Wonderful World

Today I was going for a short walk and got to thinking... I've been feeling good - not mania good, just regular happy good - I feel calm and content, very much at peace with myself. Now how can I remember this when the "black dog" descends? When I become depressed all memory of happier times seems to vaporize - whoosh it's gone - and I feel that this black feeling will never ever go away, it is forever. Somehow though I have a way to remind myself so that at least maybe I can hold out some hope.

I thought that maybe if I write a blog post to remind myself, I will remember, or Carm can remind me to re-read it and perhaps feel some hope from that. Cause I feel sure that if I could only somehow recapture todays feeling the blackness might be shorter lived, and maybe a little less black...

And then a song started playing - Louis Armstrong "What a Wonderful World". It was our first dance song at our wedding, so it already has good feelings associated with it, but maybe I could also use it to remind me of how I feel today. And I could play it again and again next time I need to. Cause it really is a wonderful world.

Perseverance

I'm still not in the right frame of mind. I was doing so well there a few days ago, perhaps a bit hypo-manic, but on the euphoric side. Then it was like a switch was flipped - I went from euphoric to irritable and agitated, all ranges within hypo-mania. Just like that.  So still hypo-manic, just crappy feeling.

Bipolar is a mood disorder, which means that moods are not well regulated. Moods will sometimes be at extremes (manic or depressed), sometimes moods get stuck for no visible reason (a bad mood that lasts for days), and sometimes they fluctuate rapidly between all the mood states. What fun. Well, actually it is sometimes (euphoric hypo-mania)!

So, as we pack up for a trip to our favourite campground, I'm in a pissy mood and everything bugs me. I don't feel excited to go, in fact I just want to go into my room by myself. A few times in the last two days I've even had to use my emergency pills, but for some reason I resist using the extra medication. It's as if I think that trying hard will fix the problem, but actually trying doesn't do anything except make things worse (gotta remember that, especially about the negative self-talk that also comes with "trying" - perhaps I'd better give myself a break and take another one now...)

Writing this has helped to realize/remember that I've been here before and got well again. It's not a forever state and that helps... it makes it okay and somehow easier to deal with. And perhaps even helps to tip the balance back towards 0.

Just when I think things are going to be golden (normal) I am reminded of my "special feature" (that's what we call a bug in the IT world).

On a better note, the weather has still been hot and sunny so I've been getting a good amount of swing time and the pool is a warm 82F - life can't be all bad ;-)

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other.
Walter Elliot

Shift

My shoes got soaked but it was worth it. I was awake before 5am but made myself stay in bed until 6:30, then I put on my shoes and headed out for a little amble with the dogs. The grass was wet with the heavy morning dew which still hung in the air painting everything with an impressionist brush. Back at the house I kicked off my shoes and peeled off my socks, made a coffee and headed out to the swing to enjoy another early morning.

The dew had clung to spider webs on the short grass making them shimmer like fairy castles. The birds were singing and the air was punctuated by the occasional bellow of one of the dairy cows next door. She must have just calved and is calling for her newborn veal calf that has been taken away from her. As the sun got higher in the sky it started burning off the fog, creating a bright halo as it did so.

I felt wonderful. I was enjoying our property so much and vowed to remember when we were in Presquile where we were bound to get caught up in the beauty of that place and start looking at real-estate listings. I've got to REMEMBER!!!!

Eventually I realized that my mood had shifted from slightly hypo-manic back down to slightly depressed. What??? How did that happen? I followed the trail of my thoughts back and came to the part where I was wondering what I'd do if anything happened to Carm. How would I stay in the house? So I started thinking how I would turn the basement into an apartment...  how grimm... no wonder my spirits sunk.

As I sat there trying to get my thoughts back in line, a flock of perhaps 20 swallows came into view. They were circling and swooping low in front of the barn and then high in the sky. They were only there for a few minutes, but carried my mood with them leaving behind peace (and maybe a tiny bit of hypo-mania). The peace didn’t last though and my mood wavered up and down all day.

I have a hard time figuring out what is a "normal" mood and what is one that I have to be concerned about. It is important to nip mood swings in the bud, before they become full-fledged relapses, but at the same time it would be good to just be... Does rhapsodizing on about the beauty of nature fit into normal? Or does it reach into the hypo-manic? I really don't know, but I'll try to enjoy it regardless ;-)

I was outside waiting for my friend Karen to arrive for tea and lunch so took the shovel with me to clean up the lawn a bit. As I shovelled up bits of dried poop a few times I disturbed butterflies that had landed… why I’m not sure? Maybe the moisture? Or the calcium? It was a juxtaposition of beauty against hummm… what is a good word to describe poo? Actually, the poop isn’t really all that vile – one of the big advantages of feeding a raw diet is the firm poops that quickly change to dry bone white. No sticky messes for us!

Let your life lightly dance on the edges of Time like dew on the tip of a leaf.
Rabindranath Tagore

A Slight Wavering at the Edges

In an email today Ruth commented about my depressed feelings. I know I mentioned them,  but really I'm okay. There's just a slight wavering of my mood at times. Everything feels good and then there's just a tiny ripple on the edge. Enough for me to know that I have to take some care and watch my thinking. By catching this mood early I should be able to keep things in check.

There are some things that I know I can do to keep my mood in check. For starters, sitting around does not help. I have to get busy and do something, even tidying up the place is a good start. Sometimes though I just can't think of anything to do so I slip further into the fog. I think my mood has something to do with not being able to think of anything though.

Other things that are good to do are: going for a drive or other outing, walking outside can help but sometimes not, putting on some fast music and dancing a bit. I have a list of other things that I refer to in those times of need.

BUT! Right now I'm good :-)

Perhaps I'm just more aware of the tiny changes than others.

Today we washed the outside of the camper, so it is now spic and span for our next trip. We ran a few errands, and then made dinner plans with friends. A good day with beautiful weather.

Oh, and Dorothy, today I'm wearing a pale pink lipstick... it helps ;-)

Permission

I'm glad I got that aging/meaning of life panic out of my system (for now).

After some thought I realize that what I meant by meaning, was really "productivity". Humm. And so I gave myself permission to not be productive for now. It was as easy as that. Life doesn't have to have some grand meaning, but instead every moment should be savoured for what it is. Sometimes that's the feeling of creating something new, but sometimes (and often for me) it means truly enjoying the pleasures around me.

It has been several weeks since I’ve done my daily circuit of the field. This morning I finally got out there. It was one of those beautiful mornings with just a gentle breeze, a vivid blue sky and the sun warming the earth. The field is dry from the drought we've been having, and possibly because of this it was filled with Queen Anne's lace, one of my favourite wild flowers. I picked a few to press to remind me of today's beauty. There was also blue cornflower, and purple clover. How could I be unsatisfied?

I also reminded myself that I have an extra burden to carry and that sometimes it takes most of my energy, leaving little else for grand "productive" pursuits. That's okay, it is what it is, and someday I'll turn what I have learned living with bipolar into something that can help others.

Faint feelings of depression still lingered... I felt tired and wanted to go back to bed, but I knew that wouldn't help... I had to keep busy and do something and focus on the positive thoughts I had while out in the field. So I spent the rest of today doing tasks towards our upcoming camping trip to Presquile. It helped.

Life is good.

ASIST

On one of the depression/bipolar blogs that I read there was a post about ASIST (Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training). Carm took this training when I was first diagnosed and found it to be an excellent course, and thought that everyone should take it. Almost everyone comes in contact with someone with a mental illness, often someone in their family or a close friend. Isn’t it a good idea to be prepared?

Here’s a link to that post.

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
John Wooden

It Will Be Forever

The "funny" thing about living with a mood disorder is how each mood phase is perceived. When I am depressed I am sure that it will last forever, there will never be a change and I will always feel this way. The same thing occurs when I'm in a good phase. I'm sure that it will never end, I just need to do all the things I do to manage my illness and the bad symptoms will never return.

For the last few months I've been feeling great and life has been awesome. I was thinking "I've finally found the secret! I'll be this way forever!". I was smug (and probably hypo manic and not normal at all). Then reality struck and my mood changed again. This time probably because of the change in medication, but I was so sure that everything would be fine. Oddly, it was only this morning that I realized the forever thing - I generally try not to live in absolutes, but I was. I hope that acknowledgement of  the changing nature of my moods will help me to live with them with more harmony.

We had a whirlwind father's day. It started with an 8am mass for Carm's dad. It was long, or at least seemed that way cause it was 100% in Italian. Then we picked up our groceries and raced to my parents. We stashed the groceries in the cool hall, and freezing freezer so that we could enjoy some time with them. As usual my Mom made a lovely meal for us - waffles, eggs, bacon, and a lovely fruit salad. I have to admit to a certain amount of weakness - I had all items, even the non vegan ones (can't live in absolutes, right?). After breakfast we dashed off home as Carm was meeting someone for golf.

I was nicely relaxed in the afternoon when the phone rang. It was Carm. He was bringing his friend home for supper. What!!!! OMG what will I make for supper? I was happy that it only took me a few minutes to figure out a decent dinner to serve a guest. Green beans with preserved lemon (garlic & rosemary), marinated and grilled mushrooms (lemon, garlic, hot pepper flakes), and brown rice. Everything turned out great and Adrian seemed happy enough with his vegan meal. We have been living this nutrarian lifestyle long enough that I'm getting a good repertoire of recipes. There are still some to try in the new recipe books, and the internet is just filled with great recipes.

Speaking of recipes, I made a batch of cookies yesterday using a different recipe from the last batch. This one was much better than the first (Adrian ate 2 last night), and with the raisins they are plenty sweet. As soon as I have a few minutes I'll be posting it here.

Windy Windrows

The farmer from next door was over this afternoon raking the hay in our field into windrows in preparation for baling. It brought to mind our horse owning days - days when we'd keep the hay and it was so important to us. Terry would call us at work in the afternoon to let us know he was heading over to bale. We'd rush home anxious to get there in time to unload the first hay wagon. There were only three wagons so we'd have to work like crazy to keep up with the baler.

The first few years Carm and I did it ourselves but after that we tried to get help - often boys from the local group home. Once Kirsten and Deirdre also came out. It sure helped to have extra hands. Often I'd be in the wagon unloading it to the ground. On a good year I'd hoist 20 to 30 thousand pounds (in 40lb chunks) in an afternoon. Then there was the year that I had to get on top of the stack in the barn and Carm would hand them up to me. That was the last year I wore shorts for this job! If you've never handled hay lets just say that I had a million little cuts on my legs. And then I put Solarcain on them - stupid! I thought the agony would never end.

It was always very satisfying to see the barn brimming with enough neatly stacked hay for the winter. But it was a job that we came to dread so we started to get large square bales done. These would be stacked in the paddock and covered with tarps. As needed, a bale would be dragged down from the stack, sometimes with ropes and people power, but sometimes we needed to get the truck down there to pull. Then we'd cut the strings and flake by flake drag it into the barn and stack it ready for use. It was still lots of work, but spread out over the winter so easier to manage - and not all done on the hottest and most humid day of the year!

This afternoon is really the first time that I've spent any measurable time on the swing. Grace was beside me in her outdoor digs, playing and chewing on sticks.  It always amazes me how strong she is - the acrobatics that she can do with her little stick legs is amazing. I forgot to mention it the other day but she turned 14 on Sunday!  She's not even middle aged.

I've been a bit discouraged the last few days... as many of you know I've been working with my doctor to drop one of my medications. This is a painstaking process with month(s) between each small increment. Well, I was down another increment a few weeks ago and since then I've had periods of anxiety, and it is getting worse. I'd just be standing there, with nothing in particular on my mind, and this wash of anxiety would descend - not at all pleasant. So... after discussion with my doctor I'm back up to the last increment.  I had been hoping to be totally off by the end of summer but that won't be the case now. I'll try again in a few months after the summer madness has passed.

Today I did another 10K on the treadmill! I shaved off 4 minutes from my last time so finished it in 86 minutes - whew. I ran more than I've ever run in any length of time. The problem with these big workouts though is I'm STARVING for the rest of the day. DQ Ultimate burger anyone? (I resisted with great difficulty)

Wednesday I had lunch with some friends from work - my old coffee group. We went to a Thai buffet... need I say more? I LOVE Thai food, it might even be my favourite, and this buffet is particularly good. It was hard not to gorge, and I'm sad to say that I did (gorge myself that is). After lunch and my doctor's appointment we went to Marks Work Warehouse to check out what they had on sale. The next day they were having a 20% off the price, including the sale price so we wanted to figure out what, if anything we wanted to buy. As luck would have it we talked to a sales person and she suggested that we put everything on hold and pick it up on Wednesday. I can't believe the clothes we got for the price. We aren't big clothes shoppers (Costco is usually where we buy our stuff), so it was good to get a few other things to tide us over till we are skinny ;-)

Dreams are necessary to life.
Anais Nin

Taking Back the Deck

We got back home yesterday afternoon. The dogs quickly flaked out on the futon, barely even getting up to eat their supper. I’d forgotten how tired they get! Even this morning they were reluctant to go on our morning walk – Spike even took a shortcut back to the house.

In just the 4 nights we were away the path became over-grown.

I've woken up the last few days feeling anxious and somewhat depressed. I haven't had this sort of start to my day for quite a while, and honestly  it comes as a surprise to me. I have spent each day fighting this mood deviation with all that I have. Cognitive thinking, exercise, mantras, they've all been put into play - perhaps if necessary, tomorrow a trip to Dairy Queen for a blizzard fix. I  think what I have done is  working - I'm not getting worse thru the day... also I realized this morning that I haven't had my omega 3's for a few days so took 2 right away, just in case. Tomorrow morning will tell.

This afternoon Grace and I headed outside for some swing time. I noticed that one of the robins from the nest just above the deck had flown the coop, and another was sitting on the nest edge. I put Grace in her cage and sat down beside her - well... the parents went berserk. I thought they'd settle down but when they started to dive bomb Grace it was clear we were not welcome. After these babies have fledged we will make sure to take our deck back and make sure no more babies are hatched so close to where we want to be. There are limits after all!

The wish for healing has always been half of health.
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Life Stands Before Me

Life stands before me like an eternal spring with new and brilliant clothes.
Carl Friedrich Gauss

 

I had a few teary moments on the treadmill this morning - over the 5 1/4 miles, I actually ran (jogged) one whole mile!!! I never dreamed I'd be able to do this, but it just shows that perseverance pays off. I'm seeing progress in the other strength training exercises, but my gosh it is slow. I am SO out of shape it is shocking.

With the change in medications, the exercise, some productive thought, good nutrition especially omega 3s, and mantras I feel as good as, if not better than before I got sick 8 years ago. It pains me to write that, as it seems that those were 8 wasted years, but there is no point in lamenting the past, instead it is better to celebrate the present and dream for the future, for life stands before me. And it’s looking pretty good right now.

We moved our patio furniture, and Grace's summer cage out to the back deck yesterday. Sitting down on the swing it hit me that yes, it is summer now! I think we scared away the robins that were building the nest. I was looking forward to watching life unfold as I walked (and ran!) on the treadmill. Perhaps they'll come back, but I doubt it.

Merikay left a comment the other day about having periods of depression herself. I would be surprised if there were anyone who wasn't either touched themselves or knew someone who experienced it. There are two books that have helped me tremendously. I am sure that I would have far more periods of darkness if it weren't for these two books. 

The first is "The Mindful Way through Depression" by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn. It talks a lot about the harmful self-talk that we all partake in. This kind of thinking makes us sick! Not only do they address these conversations, they also give advice on how to change. It is a form of cognitive behaviour therapy. As a bonus there is a cd with meditations on it. I think it is well worth the money.

The other book is "Spontaneous Happiness" by Andrew Weil. I've talked a lot about it on this blog. It is another fantastic book that gives so many tools for managing your own illness, without anti-depressants. His is a holistic approach that includes nutrition, herbal supplements, mediations and mantras, among other things. I think the two books pair well together. I don't even lend either of these as I refer to them on a regular basis (same with my Eat to Live book), but I have purchased them for loved ones as I think they are just that good!

The good thing about these books? They give us some control over our lives. They empower us.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.
Charlotte Whitton