O Tannenbaum

I played around with caloriecounter.about.com to put in ingredients to my morning smoothie that I’ve been sharing with Grace. This morning I put in 1/2 cup of parsley as well and after looking at its nutrient profile I’ll be adding it all the time.

It has a lot of calories, but 70% daily calcium and 56% daily iron, not to mention A, C, etc. I don't worry about the sugars as except for the bit from the molasses they are all from fruit.  It is a good start to the day :-) And it leaves me feeling energized.

1/2 banana, 1/2 cup blueberries, 3 cup spinach, 1/2 cup parsley, etc.

I also spent some time on the internet looking at fabrics… I brought in the carpet from the camper and lined it up with the chairs that are also from the camper.  I found one that I really, really liked, but on closer inspection it was dry clean only, and spot clean with some solvent. WTF! So, back to the drawing board. This is supposed to be fun right – I’ve got to remember that there is no deadline.

Oh dear – closer inspection of the trees in the grove at the front of the house revealed that at least 1/2 of the spruce trees have either broken in half or are so far bent to the ground that they will surely break as well. Some of them just had side branches ripped out. My stomach just felt sick looking at them. They were mature trees, over 20 years old. Some of them were over 25 feet. Hopefully new growth will come out of the broken stumps – I wonder what we can do to help them?

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas tree,
How lovely are your branches!
In beauty green will always grow
Through summer sun and winter snow.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
How lovely are your branches!
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas tree,
You are the tree most loved!
How often you give us delight
In brightly shining Christmas light!
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas tree,
You are the tree most loved!
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas tree,
Your beauty green will teach me
That hope and love will ever be
The way to joy and peace for me.
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas tree,
Your beauty green will teach me.

Songwriters: TRADITIONAL/SCHWARTZ

A Muddle / Our Hearts are Divided

 

It is one of those perfect September days - coolish, but clear and crisp. There is a faint smell of fallen leaves in the air - just faint though as not many leaves have fallen yet. The next few days are going to be a return to summer with forecast highs in the high 20's but then we scheduled to drop down to cooler temps for the weekend. Let's hope the rain holds off...

I've been busy cooking and loading the camper as we are heading off for a 9 night trip. I've been making jugs of lemon water,  quinoa burgers, sun-dried tomato/pesto hummus, breakfast cookies, peanut butter cookies and other sundry delights.  I like to be prepared... you know, just in case there is no food to be found elsewhere for the whole 9 nights... maybe there are no grocery stores where we are going (ha ha - it's not like we are going to that Sandy Point campground in the middle of nowhere Alberta - we will be just down the road from a few grocery stores!).

For the first night Carm is going to get us set up at the campground and then leave me for the night as Ruth is coming for a girls night! Yeah hurrah. To that end I played around with cocktails this morning. I have bottles and bottles of ancient booze that I'd like to use up, so I started looking for a recipe for Pernod (I have 1 1/2 bottles!). GAGSPEWGASPYUCK straight, tried mixing it with some ice water BLECH, added a bit of lemon juice PUKE... back into the cupboard it went (for what I'm not sure, but maybe I'll find a great recipe for some dessert thing). After that I was a bit too queasy to try anything more, but I do have some Blue Curacao that I could make something with. I'll have to google that and do some more tests... after I've got something in my stomach. I'd love to make some mojitos, but I don't have the mint to muddle. Maybe I'll just stick with lemon water, but Ruth and I do have a bit of a history of downing a few too many!

I've started re-reading the Kristen Lavransdatter books, starting with "The Bridal Wreath". Oh my. I had forgotten how hard a read they are. It is a series of 3 books written by Sigrid Undset about life in Norwary in the 1300s. That alone is interesting, but what brings it even more to life for me is that some of the books are set in Skjenna! Yes, the very one that I wrote about just last week. I'll share details when I get there.

"There is no man nor woman, Kristen, who does not love and fear God, but 'tis because our hearts are divided twixt love of God and fear of the devil and fondness for the world and the flesh, that we are unhappy in life and death. For if a man had not any yearning after God and God's being, then should he thrive in hell, and 'twould be we alone who would not understand that there he had gotten what his heart desired. For there the fire would not burn him if he did not long for coolness, nor would he feel the torment of the serpents' bite, if he knew not the yearning after peace."

The other night when I was in bed a screeching howl broke the silence. Chills ran down my spine but I knew it wasn't some other-worldly creature, but instead was a fisher. If you've never heard one just imagine the sound of vampires strangling little girls, there is no sound like it. I searched around on the internet to find the sound, but never found anything close. I did come across one site that claims some of the calls are really fox calls. There was one (a vixen fox call) that sounded a little bit like it, but it lacked the spine tingling, hair raising aspect. Whatever it is I can see how legends of horror get started.

I've been sickening Carm with all my latest song downloads, that is when I'm not just blaring them directly into my ears (in which case he "gets" to listen to the odd pathetic outburst of singing from me - sometimes the words just blurb out of my mouth - I can't help it). The good news though is the NY/LA ear worm never took hold. Instead I've got a mixture of Crash Test Dummies "Superman", Ella Fitzgerald's "I've Got A Crush on You", and some one else's "I Will Remember You" swirling around in my head. Add in a bit of Twisted Sister ("I'm not Gonna Take It")  for a perfect medley or perhaps muddling madness!

Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything.
Plato

Shift

My shoes got soaked but it was worth it. I was awake before 5am but made myself stay in bed until 6:30, then I put on my shoes and headed out for a little amble with the dogs. The grass was wet with the heavy morning dew which still hung in the air painting everything with an impressionist brush. Back at the house I kicked off my shoes and peeled off my socks, made a coffee and headed out to the swing to enjoy another early morning.

The dew had clung to spider webs on the short grass making them shimmer like fairy castles. The birds were singing and the air was punctuated by the occasional bellow of one of the dairy cows next door. She must have just calved and is calling for her newborn veal calf that has been taken away from her. As the sun got higher in the sky it started burning off the fog, creating a bright halo as it did so.

I felt wonderful. I was enjoying our property so much and vowed to remember when we were in Presquile where we were bound to get caught up in the beauty of that place and start looking at real-estate listings. I've got to REMEMBER!!!!

Eventually I realized that my mood had shifted from slightly hypo-manic back down to slightly depressed. What??? How did that happen? I followed the trail of my thoughts back and came to the part where I was wondering what I'd do if anything happened to Carm. How would I stay in the house? So I started thinking how I would turn the basement into an apartment...  how grimm... no wonder my spirits sunk.

As I sat there trying to get my thoughts back in line, a flock of perhaps 20 swallows came into view. They were circling and swooping low in front of the barn and then high in the sky. They were only there for a few minutes, but carried my mood with them leaving behind peace (and maybe a tiny bit of hypo-mania). The peace didn’t last though and my mood wavered up and down all day.

I have a hard time figuring out what is a "normal" mood and what is one that I have to be concerned about. It is important to nip mood swings in the bud, before they become full-fledged relapses, but at the same time it would be good to just be... Does rhapsodizing on about the beauty of nature fit into normal? Or does it reach into the hypo-manic? I really don't know, but I'll try to enjoy it regardless ;-)

I was outside waiting for my friend Karen to arrive for tea and lunch so took the shovel with me to clean up the lawn a bit. As I shovelled up bits of dried poop a few times I disturbed butterflies that had landed… why I’m not sure? Maybe the moisture? Or the calcium? It was a juxtaposition of beauty against hummm… what is a good word to describe poo? Actually, the poop isn’t really all that vile – one of the big advantages of feeding a raw diet is the firm poops that quickly change to dry bone white. No sticky messes for us!

Let your life lightly dance on the edges of Time like dew on the tip of a leaf.
Rabindranath Tagore

Earning Their Wings

I was up at the crack of dawn this morning and after taking the dogs out for a few minutes I knew I couldn't return to bed. It was just that beautiful. Instead I grabbed a coffee and headed outside to the swing. It was so peaceful and still, there was a faint mist on the horizon (my favourite vista on our property), the birds were chirping and flitting around looking for their breakfasts, the breeze occasionally stirred the tallest trees, and thankfully there wasn't much traffic on the road.

As I sat there enjoying the moment, the chatter of birds over by the barn caught my attention. Then I saw some swooping swallows. I realized that there were some newly fledged chicks learning to fly. The parents flew around them encouraging each one. It was amazing to watch them increase their prowess. At first each try was awkward with many stops, but soon they were taking slightly larger swoops away from the barn. They practiced for a while and then all at once plopped down on the barn to rest. A minute or two later they were up and away, this time with much more skill. The parents took them farther afield this time, such that I lost sight of them for a bit. Soon they were back for another short rest before trying again. It was obvious it wouldn't be long before they would be flying with the same skill as their parents.

In fact several minutes later I could see the four of them swooping (with joy?) high in the sky. I wondered if they feel exhilarated with their new found skill? Nature is amazing. How could birds, that were just learning to fly, suddenly have the athletic prowess and muscle development to take on such a feat?

As I sat there on the swing looking at the barn and the overgrown sand ring I thought of the horses. On a morning such as this I would have stuck my feet into muck boots and walked down to join the horses in their pasture. I would have stood close to them stroking their silky hides, and breathing in their sweet horsey smell. Is there any better smell in the world? I think not. I would have been enveloped by their peace. Horses are like that you know, they have a spirit that extends beyond their being.

In all the years that I had them, they helped me through the rough patches of depression. There was something about being with them that lifted my spirits to a better place, if only temporarily. When I was home on extended sick leave the daily routine of caring for them brought structure and purpose to my days. If I hadn't gone back to work, with the pressures of having a full time job on top of everything else, I'm quite certain that we would still have a few (but maybe not 11!).

However, life being what it is, I sat there and enjoyed the memories, although in all honesty I did feel a pricking of tears in my eyes.

Last night we had Trudie & Leo over for a quick supper to thank them for all the produce. The pesto pasta was fabulous. I could have sat there stuffing forkfuls of the pasta into my mouth. Carm said later that he wanted to stick his face in the bowl - it was so good. And the salad with peaches, tomatoes, cucumber, basil and a bit of baby romaine was fresh and light. The grilled zucchini was a wonderful side, and they also brought a beautiful head of broccoli. Summer produce! And with the exception of the bit of peccorino romano cheese it was vegan too.

The big job on the agenda today was clipping and bathing the poodles. I had to get them all shortened up for our next camping trip! After that was done I wandered down the laneway to open the gate for the delivery we were expecting (see post about fantastic fan). A faint smell of apples ripening perfumed the air. So sweet. I lingered...

We often have a pita something or other for lunch - today I made a spread with a can of mashed black beans, a dollop of pesto mixed in (yum), sliced green onion, cubed avocado, and cubed tomato, gently stirred together. Spread onto a 1/2 pita with a handful of spinach packed in and it was a quick, easy and yummy lunch. Not exactly our usual fat-free lunch but boy was it tasty!

For the mind disturbed, the still beauty of dawn is nature's finest balm.
Edwin Way Teale

With a Fresh Eye

Last night we went out for supper with friends Trudie and Leo, after which we all stopped at Vashev and Marie’s for a glass of wine. It was a lovely warm evening so we sat out in their back garden enjoying our surroundings and trading stories. The cat was stalking a chipmunk who teased and taunted. Birds came to the feeders for a bedtime snack. The cardinal wowed us with his bright red plumage.

As I was sitting there, I was thinking how much our property was missing places to pull up some chairs under a tree and started formulating plans in my head. Well, this morning I took stock of what we’d have to do and wouldn’t you know it… not much is needed at all! We just need some comfy chairs – they had plastic Adirondack chairs which seemed perfect. If we build some stairs from the deck down to grass level we’ll end up in a pleasant shady spot with easy access to the house. If we go a bit farther afield there’s a spot in the front near the flower beds that would be lovely. Just moving the truck reveals a lovely spot with a vista of the pond and lowlands of the creek.

I guess I just had to look at our property with new eyes (sort of like how I looked in the mirror the other day, but this time better!). So many of the trees have grown now, and some of the landscaping is more mature. Adding a few more spots of flowers or shrubs will finish it off nicely. We’d still have a “rural” look but it would be somewhere that a picnic blanket and basket of food would not look out of place. It is no longer the barren landscape that we started with 18 years ago.

Today I’ve been blessed with a bounty of produce from Trudie’s garden. She shared zucchini (lovely small ones), cucumbers, giant bulbs of garlic, hot little peppers (so good and the perfect hotness), and a huge pile of basil. So of course I spent some time making pesto, or at least the starting of it. I just did basil, garlic and olive oil to freeze in small batches. I can include some in any number of dishes, including Thai stir-fries with some sesame oil and hot peppers. Oh the eating possibilities!

Tonight supper is whole wheat pasta with a proper pesto, with grilled zucchini tossed in. Yum. Is it supper time yet?

If we do not permit the earth to produce beauty and joy, it will in the end not produce food, either.
Joseph Wood Krutch

Permission

I'm glad I got that aging/meaning of life panic out of my system (for now).

After some thought I realize that what I meant by meaning, was really "productivity". Humm. And so I gave myself permission to not be productive for now. It was as easy as that. Life doesn't have to have some grand meaning, but instead every moment should be savoured for what it is. Sometimes that's the feeling of creating something new, but sometimes (and often for me) it means truly enjoying the pleasures around me.

It has been several weeks since I’ve done my daily circuit of the field. This morning I finally got out there. It was one of those beautiful mornings with just a gentle breeze, a vivid blue sky and the sun warming the earth. The field is dry from the drought we've been having, and possibly because of this it was filled with Queen Anne's lace, one of my favourite wild flowers. I picked a few to press to remind me of today's beauty. There was also blue cornflower, and purple clover. How could I be unsatisfied?

I also reminded myself that I have an extra burden to carry and that sometimes it takes most of my energy, leaving little else for grand "productive" pursuits. That's okay, it is what it is, and someday I'll turn what I have learned living with bipolar into something that can help others.

Faint feelings of depression still lingered... I felt tired and wanted to go back to bed, but I knew that wouldn't help... I had to keep busy and do something and focus on the positive thoughts I had while out in the field. So I spent the rest of today doing tasks towards our upcoming camping trip to Presquile. It helped.

Life is good.

Photos from the last week

Whew! I was pretty far behind downloading photos from my camera. Getting lazy I guess – sometimes it is just easier to write my posts on my tablet and post from there!

Windy Windrows

The farmer from next door was over this afternoon raking the hay in our field into windrows in preparation for baling. It brought to mind our horse owning days - days when we'd keep the hay and it was so important to us. Terry would call us at work in the afternoon to let us know he was heading over to bale. We'd rush home anxious to get there in time to unload the first hay wagon. There were only three wagons so we'd have to work like crazy to keep up with the baler.

The first few years Carm and I did it ourselves but after that we tried to get help - often boys from the local group home. Once Kirsten and Deirdre also came out. It sure helped to have extra hands. Often I'd be in the wagon unloading it to the ground. On a good year I'd hoist 20 to 30 thousand pounds (in 40lb chunks) in an afternoon. Then there was the year that I had to get on top of the stack in the barn and Carm would hand them up to me. That was the last year I wore shorts for this job! If you've never handled hay lets just say that I had a million little cuts on my legs. And then I put Solarcain on them - stupid! I thought the agony would never end.

It was always very satisfying to see the barn brimming with enough neatly stacked hay for the winter. But it was a job that we came to dread so we started to get large square bales done. These would be stacked in the paddock and covered with tarps. As needed, a bale would be dragged down from the stack, sometimes with ropes and people power, but sometimes we needed to get the truck down there to pull. Then we'd cut the strings and flake by flake drag it into the barn and stack it ready for use. It was still lots of work, but spread out over the winter so easier to manage - and not all done on the hottest and most humid day of the year!

This afternoon is really the first time that I've spent any measurable time on the swing. Grace was beside me in her outdoor digs, playing and chewing on sticks.  It always amazes me how strong she is - the acrobatics that she can do with her little stick legs is amazing. I forgot to mention it the other day but she turned 14 on Sunday!  She's not even middle aged.

I've been a bit discouraged the last few days... as many of you know I've been working with my doctor to drop one of my medications. This is a painstaking process with month(s) between each small increment. Well, I was down another increment a few weeks ago and since then I've had periods of anxiety, and it is getting worse. I'd just be standing there, with nothing in particular on my mind, and this wash of anxiety would descend - not at all pleasant. So... after discussion with my doctor I'm back up to the last increment.  I had been hoping to be totally off by the end of summer but that won't be the case now. I'll try again in a few months after the summer madness has passed.

Today I did another 10K on the treadmill! I shaved off 4 minutes from my last time so finished it in 86 minutes - whew. I ran more than I've ever run in any length of time. The problem with these big workouts though is I'm STARVING for the rest of the day. DQ Ultimate burger anyone? (I resisted with great difficulty)

Wednesday I had lunch with some friends from work - my old coffee group. We went to a Thai buffet... need I say more? I LOVE Thai food, it might even be my favourite, and this buffet is particularly good. It was hard not to gorge, and I'm sad to say that I did (gorge myself that is). After lunch and my doctor's appointment we went to Marks Work Warehouse to check out what they had on sale. The next day they were having a 20% off the price, including the sale price so we wanted to figure out what, if anything we wanted to buy. As luck would have it we talked to a sales person and she suggested that we put everything on hold and pick it up on Wednesday. I can't believe the clothes we got for the price. We aren't big clothes shoppers (Costco is usually where we buy our stuff), so it was good to get a few other things to tide us over till we are skinny ;-)

Dreams are necessary to life.
Anais Nin

Taking Back the Deck

We got back home yesterday afternoon. The dogs quickly flaked out on the futon, barely even getting up to eat their supper. I’d forgotten how tired they get! Even this morning they were reluctant to go on our morning walk – Spike even took a shortcut back to the house.

In just the 4 nights we were away the path became over-grown.

I've woken up the last few days feeling anxious and somewhat depressed. I haven't had this sort of start to my day for quite a while, and honestly  it comes as a surprise to me. I have spent each day fighting this mood deviation with all that I have. Cognitive thinking, exercise, mantras, they've all been put into play - perhaps if necessary, tomorrow a trip to Dairy Queen for a blizzard fix. I  think what I have done is  working - I'm not getting worse thru the day... also I realized this morning that I haven't had my omega 3's for a few days so took 2 right away, just in case. Tomorrow morning will tell.

This afternoon Grace and I headed outside for some swing time. I noticed that one of the robins from the nest just above the deck had flown the coop, and another was sitting on the nest edge. I put Grace in her cage and sat down beside her - well... the parents went berserk. I thought they'd settle down but when they started to dive bomb Grace it was clear we were not welcome. After these babies have fledged we will make sure to take our deck back and make sure no more babies are hatched so close to where we want to be. There are limits after all!

The wish for healing has always been half of health.
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Turtles Turtles Rah Rah Rah

Turtles and cows! Both new occupants of our property. The cows moved in yesterday – it was nice to see their white patched hides as they are surely a sign of summer.

Yesterday I noticed a few lumps on a rock in the pond. Closer examination (actually not that close at all) showed that there were three turtles. The biggest one is covered with a green algae, the medium is brown and the smallest one was perched on top of the medium one. Strange cause he looked like a different kind. Perhaps the fellowship of the turtles. Between the turtles, the heron, and the kingfisher, I imagine the goldfish population of our pond is going to be drastically reduced.

The path that I take for my walk is quickly growing over. I think that if I miss a few days I won’t be able to find it anymore. What will happen when we are gone camping?

Other happenings: the robins near the kitchen window have fledged. This morning we saw the last one to leave the nest wobbling on the drain spout, and when we returned it was gone. The robins near the treadmill window are sitting tightly on eggs. She almost disappears she sits so tight. Birds everywhere are busy building nests, or feeding babies – the yard is hub of avian activity!

Dorothy commented the other day about the treadmill. She thought it was a big machine and it is, once it is in its place I really don’t want to move it. I love it though… I can decide to do 30 minutes (which is my minimum) but then if I feel good I can increase the time without ended up far from home. I can increase the intensity and know just how much I’m challenging myself. Having time, distance and calories on the display gives me something to work for. I’ve found out that I’m pretty competitive! Every day I want to do a bit better, and push myself a bit more. This has increased my fitness tons! When I started 6 weeks ago, I could barely make 30 minutes, with 0 incline and about 3.5 mph. Yesterday I did 80 minutes, mostly at a 4% incline and and average of 4.0 mph. That’s a big difference! And I didn’t end up too far from home and exhausted.

It's easier to go down a hill than up it but the view is much better at the top.
Henry Ward Beecher

I am Blessed

This morning as soon as I walked out the door for our little walk I was blessed with the fragrant spring scent of apple blossoms. Walking down the tree lined lane way I couldn't help but realize how lucky I am. The grass was a brilliant green, the trees were covered with white and pink blossoms, the birds were singing in the trees. Don't people write poetry about times like these? I wanted to emblazon the feeling onto my soul so that I can conjure it up during darker times.

We walked both  loops this morning - the hay field, with its green grass and Norway Spruce border, it has a good view of the river as well. Then (after walking past the apple trees again) we walked the lower pond paddock. It has trees and shrubs growing in it. The chocolate trees with their rich dark bark were awash in delicate white flowers, the hawthorns were likewise adorned. Some other trees, that I don't know the names of also had some buds. Everywhere I walked I breathed in the scent of sweet flowers and growing green things. There must have been hundreds of birds, all singing their songs. The contrast from the stark days of winter makes my head reel. Oh my gosh I could go on and on.

Later in the morning we drove to the local health food store. I hadn't been there for years so wanted to see what they had. I saw lots of interesting things but only picked up a package of Kamut, a grain that is called for in some of the recipes in the new book I have. To get there we had to drive down a country lane that we don't travel very frequently. Everything looks so green and lush.

Our "big" job of the day was to put down a rubber mat underneath the washer and dryer. After emptying all the stuff out of the room, except the heavy washer (why do we have so many shoes?) we got the mat down. Carm grunted and groaned to get the washer back in place. It's a good thing he still has his young muscles :-)  We had to do a test right away to see how much the mat will help with the shake, rattle &  roll of the washer. It worked! I was surprised just how much it was quieted down.

Then we were back outside for some planting and just enjoying our property. Of course I had to wax poetic the whole time we were outside. Mother Nature breathes life back into the earth, and I think some of it was also blown back into me.

Flowers grow out of dark moments.
Corita Kent

Do I Feel Fortunate?

It was raining all day yesterday so I took advantage of the dreariness to get the poodles all clipped up. It had been over 6 weeks so they were really looking scruffy, and also were hot all the time. Not so now! They are so good and put up with the process quite well, though sometimes it is hard to do their faces. Yesterday both were on their best behaviour.

The rain brought out more May flowers - I so love this time of year when everything is bursting with vigorous life. I can almost feel it in the air. The robins that are nesting just outside the kitchen window have been busy these past few days feeding their babies. I can't see into the nest, but however many there are they are hungry!

I've vacuumed up about 100,000 flies out in the camper - every nook and craney that I wash out seems to have a few more. And spider webs... I've only seen one tiny living spider, but could have made a sweater with all the webs I've vacuumed/washed up.

I read an article today about the positive benefits of having bipolar (thanks Dorothy). The article mentioned that many of the people they interviewed felt fortunate to have the illness and found that it gave them benefits that others did not have. I would have to agree as I have experienced many of these benefits in the past. When I am hypo manic I can accomplish so much - I'm super-charged! My thinking is faster and I seem to think in a whole other plane, problem solving is enhanced, and I'm much more creative, I'm outgoing and (I think) funny. My perception of the world around me changes. Everything seems stunningly beautiful. I have an incredible sense of well-being or euphoria.

Unfortunately hypomania is all too often followed by depression, where everything is seen through a grey fog and life seems bleak and even unbearable.

Medications even some of that out. When I was first on medications I couldn't understand why everything was so pale and flat but was told that what I was experiencing was "normal". It seemed impossible that people could live such flat lives, and I railed against it.  But I knew that the alternative, with depression was too dangerous for me so I acquiesced and took my meds. Now that I am on a bit less medication I get hints of what I was like in the past (unfortunately depression at times too), so it is a little easier for me to accept this more "normal" me.

So... do I feel fortunate to have bipolar? I would say yes.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
Robert Frost