Monday, April 4, 2016

sludge

My mind has been full of sludge these last weeks. It started out with a hint of slowness that didn't much impede my writing, but as the weeks have gone on, it has taken a hold and thickened into porridge. I can't get it together enough to write, or even read, and don't really care. I'm not worried that this is a permanent state - I've been here often enough to know it will pass. I don't feel depressed exactly, just tired, like everything is too much work.

I read an article several days ago written by a woman who was noticing the slow approach of depression. For her, it started weeks earlier, a slow progression of symptoms that eventually culminated in depression. I had never thought of it this way - I haven't paid enough attention to add up the symptoms as a slow evolution to illness. I wondered if that was what was happening with me. A slowing of the mind, nearly paralyzing waves of anxiety out of the blue, an increased need for sleep. If it is, how do I break the cycle? I'm being careful to get out of the house, I'm really watching my thoughts… well, I don't know what else to do except wait for it to pass.

All that being said, I'm going to take a break from the writing groups, just for now. I think removing the pressure to write and the guilt when I don't, will ease me along to a clearer head. I won't think of it as a failure to perform, but a vacation from something I love.

The rest of this post is just going to be a boring itemization of the things we've done this week. I like to look back years later and remember.

Last Sunday (Easter Sunday) we had a lovely supper with my family to celebrate Easter and of course Carm's birthday. Monday we had supper at Trudie & Leo's, along with Jerina and David. After we finished the main course we came back here for burnt sugar cake and an evening of visiting. The conversations got lively at times!

Wednesday I met some of the writing women for breakfast, after which Carm and I drove to town to visit another pool place. Thursday morning was writing group, then at night we went to the Keg with Bruce and Tina. Friday morning I helped Mary with some blogging stuff and then Carm and I went to Country Kitchen for lunch, followed by a shop at Liquidation.
Saturday we had supper at Trudie & Leo's. Sunday I visited with my family, Mom and I went to the fabric store to get something for the bedskirt in our bedroom.

So as you can see, I'm working hard at keeping busy.

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”
~Albert Camus