mindset

I got a little bit of puppy therapy this afternoon 😀 Kirsten dropped by with their new family addition, a 13 week old Swiss Mountain/Bernese Mountain dog mix. He's totally adorable and will grow up to be a gorgeous guy! We wanted to introduce him to our crew - Adia was very interested and perhaps a bit pushy with sniffing, while Lupa was totally out of control and had to be leashed the whole time.

We did a lot of approach/retreat which eventually led to her ‘quietly’ sitting - and by quiet, I mean totally focused on the next bit of food I'd give her! Still, it was progress and while it would be great to have a ‘simple’ dog without all her baggage and high anxiety, it's not our reality - at the end of the day, I have to deal with the dog I have in front of me, and not some hypothetical dog that doesn't go to 11 on the dial!

In the same vein, I'm learning to deal with my reality and also learning that I can't force my way to better health… I've been researching me/cfs as that's my likely diagnosis - much tracks exactly, including periods of PEM, or post exertional malaise.  PEM is a delayed response to over exercition, physical, mental, or emotional. It doesn't always show up right away but often the next day or even the day after that. All my years of record keeping is coming in handy - I've even added a few more fields to track energy and level of awfulness so that I can see more detailed trends.

A few days ago, I realized that I could continue to rail and rant against what is happening to me or I could accept that this is my new normal and build from here. I immediately started to feel better, not physically yet, but mentally. Some of my reading is depressing - not everyone gets better - but I've also stumbled on positive ideas for recovery. Some of what I read suggests that pacing and not pushing is what will trigger recovery… I had the start of a plan!

Making that simple change to my thinking made me feel more positive and that I am going to get through this! I started getting videos in my feed from an organization called CFSHealth. They have a 4 week recovery program but it's $500 - I'm not desperate enough for that yet, so I’ll see what I can do on my own.  BUT! Yesterday afternoon a post came up - they also have a book - which turned out to be free through Amazon's music & podcast app! The timing was perfect.

The first few chapters have been about creating a growth and recovery mindset which I was already developing so I'm on the right track. Part of the mindset is taking responsibility and not waiting for someone else to fix it… that's the easy part for me in some ways - I've spent 22 years taking responsibility for bipolar, so this is a natural step.

Now I'm reading about pacing and how important it is to keep within my energy envelope - it boils down to gentle activity with rest periods before my energy is too low. I’ve already adapted to having less energy - I've gotten used to my arms and legs feeling like lead! But now I'm learning how to listen to my body better - when my head starts to get fuzzy and dizzy, and the fatigue drags at me, I stop what I'm doing (this is the hard part! Don't finish the dishes!) and lie down for a little while, then I can build enough energy for another bit of activity. I'm learning that the trick is to stop right away which is against my normal way of being - I tend to push, push, push myself which only sets me back and even lowers my baseline.

So here we are… I'm learning to listen to my body and to be patient with myself. It is what it is, and fighting it was just making me progressively worse. But now I have a guideline and a plan! This is what I'm good at!

Through all of that, we had a busy week that I'm finally recovering from - no nausea or dizziness for me at all today or yesterday… 

Last Tuesday we had supper out with Leo & Eleanor, then Wednesday Tina & Bruce came for supper and the night. They left around 11am Thursday, so I rested for a few hours before heading to my parents for a farewell dinner for Kari. It was not a great night for me - I felt awful: sick and tired. The fatigue is bad - it can be like moving through quicksand, but the sick feeling is horrible. I had to leave the table after I finished eating to lie down in a chair. I had flights to Alberta for my cousin's wedding - leaving tomorrow - but I realized that there was no way my body would deal with 6 days of travel… luckily it wasn't a huge penalty to cancel my trip. I'm sad not to go and will miss out (too much FOMO!), but it was a relief as I honestly didn't know how I would pull it off!

So much for the shoe shopping!

Anyway, Friday was a rest day, with a bit of cooking to prepare for Sunday. Saturday was Trudie's celebration of life. We gathered at the cemetery - it was a beautiful day - and then reconvened at a community centre for some reminiscing. I think Trudie would have been (mostly) happy with how it turned out…

Sunday Jo Ellen, Don, Deirdre, and Chris came for lunch - how many years did I have morning coffee with Jo Ellen and Chris. I'd need more than my fingers and toes to count them out. Tomato sandwiches again! The joy of August has to be the never ending stream of tomato sandwiches! Wednesday second supper, Friday supper for just Carm and I, Sunday lunch, last night's supper, and finally today's lunch with Kirsten. All on tasty homemade focaccia! I made a new batch of focaccia to take to Kirsten's next weekend for yes, more tomato sandwiches! hurray!

Yesterday Mom & Dad dropped by to bring their budgies for us to babysit for a few weeks :-) They are a bit freaked out still, but eating and starting to sing a bit. It's a lot for them to take in!

I do have one major complaint to make though… the mosquitos are HORRIBLE! They swarm as soon as you step out the door. Even the back deck is uninhabitable… I tried with no luck to read outside this afternoon. We took down the shade and came inside. Boo hiss! There isn't much summer left for the deck. We've never seen them so thick and aggressive. I can't recall ever being forced inside from the deck except at dusk. Never during the day 😞 

We have been seeing lots of giant dragonflies though! Did you know that hummingbirds also eat tons of flying insects?

Awesome!

“tomato sandwiches”

“Kirsten's new puppy”

“a visit from Mom & Dad”

“friends together”