Thursday, September 26, 2013

I Keep My Balance Against the Wind

Today I finally made it through renaming and cataloguing our vacation photos. I took over 1500 photos while we were on our Alberta Bound adventure - it seems that 1/2 of them were of Spike, but actually there were tons of scenery photos taken.

Some days driving on the prairies I'd take 100! Of course a photo doesn't even come close to capturing the vastness and beauty, and I am strangely disappointed that looking at them doesn't transport me directly there. The photos do not lift me up like being there does, instead tears prick the back of my eyes and I wonder when I'll next smell the sagebrush and feel the wind in my hair. Years seem too long to wait. It is like being separated from a good friend...

Our property is beautiful this time of year so I am trying to fully emerse myself here, and to some degree it is working. I'm not surprised though to be constantly on guard for depression - I often feel the grey tendrils creeping in and work hard to shoo them away. I feel antsy and slightly dissatisfied.

Today we also went to visit Phil and Rita. Carm knows Phil from work, but I was meeting them for the first time (actually the second, but the first doesn't count). When meeting someone new there is a circling around truths as we each feel for how much of ourselves we can expose - how close to our true selves can we be.

It is always interesting to me the difference between men and woman's conversations. Phil and Carm were all about trucks, tires, insurance, investments ; while Rita and I talked about experiences, feelings - life.

The wind will make you sick, they told me…It will blow your body out of balance. But I keep my balance against the wind. I lean into it and let it hold me, push me firmly upright. Wind blows sickness away from me, out of my head and lungs, scours my skin, empties that thick darkness between cells, fills it with cool, moving space.
SueEllen Campbell (1996, “The Elements,” Bringing the Mountain Home