Spike - February 19, 2008 to December 11, 2021

 Spike - February 19, 2008 to December 11, 2021

Bright eyes filled with expectation: “What game are we going to play now and are there treats?” He loved going to school to show off his skills and learn new ones.

With his sisters, Bella and Kabira on his first camping trip. They loved going camping and would leap and jump when I got their ‘camping collars’ out.

He was so little that he couldn’t keep up with long walks so we’d put him in a bag when he tired out. It didn’t take long though before he kept up on his own.

Playing in the snow with Bella and Kabira was always a blast. He’d put every effort he could trying to keep up with his bigger ‘sisters’. His ears would fly back and he’d become airborne.

For several months he was a working dog, accompanying me to work. He’d prance along beside me, proud to be such a help.

With Bella and Kabira. They were a happy threesome. We got countless compliments on our beautiful trio.

With Adia, a new sister after Bella and Kabira passed. They were sweet together although she was a bit much for playing with. They’d cuddle on the futon in a sunspot.

On our trip to Alberta in 2013. He was a great traveller, usually looking out the window to see the world pass by. He ‘wrote’ a book about his trip. When I was writing it for him I felt that he was channelling his thoughts through me and onto the page. 

It’s recorded on another blog: http://pursuitofspikesmemories.blogspot.com/ 

Other miscellaneous photos:

He was always great with ‘bring it’ tasks. He could bring water, a little bag, socks, and goodness knows what else. He was a joy to train.

All puffed up and ready to go to work.

Happy smiles with my little dog.

He had gorgeous ringlets.

His bright face hangs on the wall across from the sofa so that I can look up and see him.

Happy hunting my little friend, I’ll never forget you.

Merry Christmas Eve

 Merry Christmas! It’s 9pm on Christmas Eve and we are snug in the house while Santa braves the nasty winter weather. Not bad yet, but the forecast has freezing rain in it - boo hiss! 

The uplifting notes of Christmas carols are filling in the gaps between my sadness, slowly pushing grief into smaller spaces. I’ve only cried once today (well, twice now that I’m writing it down), and yesterday was the same. Much better than Wednesday when I cried all day… the image of Spike at the bottom of a cold dark hole is being replaced by happier visions. I suppose time will be the healer.

Wednesday was a rough day, a really rough day. At one point I stood beside the bed and shifted my weight onto one leg as I prepared to crawl under the covers. I knew that it would be ascending Mount Doom to give into that desire, so I turned around and left the room. I had a Christmas movie recorded on the PVR so plonked myself down for 2 hours of mindless ‘fun’. It didn’t quite do the trick but luckily we had plans to go to Trudie & Leo’s for supper which managed to get me out of my funk.

Yesterday I bustled around all day trying to get all the work done so that today I could lie around in my pjs watching movies. Carm helped me with the tourtiere - first by grating frozen butter for the crust and then by cooking the meat so carefully. Then we got the Christmas Morning Wife saver assembled and into the ice chest… errr... I mean garage. I even got the wrapping done!

Today was meant to be a day of rest, however the bright sun motivated me to make another batch of Chinese chews and then a cheese ball. In between all that we did laundry but I didn’t get the place vacuumed - we’ll have to live with dirt for another few days.

We had a simple charcuterie board for supper tonight with olives and pickles, cheese and meats, baguette and crackers. And of course now that it’s Christmas we’ll have cookies!

Awesome!

“bright sunshine 2 days in a row”

“Hallmark Christmas movie that distracted me for a few hours”

“another tray of Chinese chews out of the oven”

“Adia shadowing me”

“You think those dogs will not be in heaven! I tell you they will be there long before any of us.”

― Robert Louis Stevenson

celebrate the sun

 Two more seconds lost today, but hurrah, it’s solstice and we’ll gain them back tomorrow and so the march to long days begins, second by second, minute by minute.

It was beautiful today so we ventured out in the car with a few destinations in mind. First stop, a tiny lcbo hidden in a corner store. From there we went to the vet to drop off the blanket that they sent Spike home in. Carm went in without me - I’m quite certain I wouldn’t have been able to keep it together.

I didn’t feel like it but made myself go outside to cut a few spruce boughs for the table. Adia ran like a maniac, which made us laugh and lifted our spirits somewhat, while I chopped 2 giant boughs about as long as I am tall.

Once inside I started laying them out... melting snow dripped everywhere and gosh, who knew how much detris would be tangled up amongst the needles. The table is not as epic as last year but is still covered with too much greenery. It would take some rearranging to get a guest wedged in but I think we could do it. However, with Christmas looming and omicron spreading we are keeping to ourselves.

Yesterday I thought I’d do something proactive to push the tendrils of doom away so I googled mantras. Surely there’d be something that resonated that I could repeat when depressed ruminations tried to take over my brain. Unfortunately the whole process had me in a puddle of tears before I could choose anything. Each phrase was a reminder of why I was doing this… do you have a mantra to help you through bad times?

Messy smears of pink icing globbed onto the counter as I dribbled the goo onto gingerbread cookies. The tremor in my right hand was in full force so icing flew everywhere. They aren’t pretty cookies but do have icing and jujubes. 

I took “clip Spike’s nails” off my to do list today :-(

Awesome!

“hoar frost glinting in the low morning sun”

“just enough snow to cover the grass”

“leftover soup was even better than the day it was made”

“onion rings straight out of the oven”

“vdrinks”

“dorky looking gingerbread trees”

“gorgeous red sunset”

“Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring--it was peace.”

― Milan Kundera

all of the gaps of our lives

 Cookie after cookie were carefully rolled out and baked. 2 dozen serinakaker and almost as many gingerbread shapes scented the air with sugar and spice. My heart wasn’t really into it but by gosh I’m going to make sure I end the year on a positive note. 

I’m fighting feelings of apathy and gloom by immersing myself into these mindless tasks but alas, I’ve already made 8 kinds of cookies. That’s really the limit of reasonableness, although I might try Italian walnut meringues. Tomorrow I’ll decorate the gingerbread stars and trees (no men). On the 21st I’ll set the scene for solstace with a bunch of spruce boughs as a table centrepiece. On the 23rd I’ll make a tourtiere - that’ll be a good diversion.

Will we have friends over between now and Christmas? I’m not sure. In my mind I know it would be a good thing but I can’t summon the will. It doesn’t help that we are being asked to limit our contacts. I know that I’ve got to get my thinking under control but dammit it’s f’ng hard.

I still look for him when I get into bed.

Awesome!

“fresh snow glinting in the morning light”

“light and fluffy snow was easy to shovel”

“pink sugar”

“The conclusion I have reached is that, above all, dogs are witnesses. They are allowed access to our most private moments. They are there when we think we are alone. Think of what they could tell us. They sit on the laps of presidents. They see acts of love and violence, quarrels and feuds, and the secret play of children. If they could tell us everything they have seen, all of the gaps of our lives would stitch themselves together.”

― Carolyn Parkhurst, The Dogs of Babel

a week

It was a week ago today that we sent Spike into the next life and as I am writing this we would have been putting him in the ground. I’ve gone from raw anguish that seemed unbearable to a quiet grief. Oh, there are still the occasional tears either behind my eyes or breaking through but it’s better.

I’m getting through this by tossing around lots of flour, butter, and sugar. With a few extra ingredients the trio are transforming into a myriad of tasty treats. It’s a good diversion. Today I made the dough for gingerbread cookies and for Serinakaker, a Norwegian cookie that I’ve never made. I’ll bake them on Sunday.

Yesterday the provincial government instituted more restrictions with omicron on the horizon. Private gatherings are limited to 10 people…

Awesome!

“being in the right place at the right time - double awesome”

“soft bread dough in my hands”

“spicy scent of gingerbread dough”

“Because of the dog's joyfulness, our own is increased. It is no small gift. It is not the least reason why we should honor as well as love the dog of our own life, and the dog down the street, and all the dogs not yet born. What would the world be like without music or rivers or the green and tender grass? What would this world be like without dogs?”

― Mary Oliver, Dog Songs

give me a boost

 We got our boosters today! Last week Carm had gone into a local mom & pop pharmacy to ask about getting on a list. They were booking for Jan 20th… yikes! We got on the waiting list and expected to hear in January or if we were lucky, at the end of this month. His schmoozing seemed to have worked as two hours later they phoned us with an appointment for today! The process was orderly and efficient.

I picked up a cooling eye mask as my eyeballs are so swollen that they are the size of golfballs. And the bags under my eyes… well!

The weather was ridiculous today with a high of 14C and heavy heavy winds. It started raining around 4pm when we were safely home. 

Another batch of cookies rolled out of the oven today. Delicious, chocolatey crinkle cookies were dusted with icing sugar before they were baked - I didn’t know that icing sugar would keep it’s ability to make a mess everywhere, even when heated. The flavour was good but a bit salty. Either my taste buds are off or I mis-measured.

Awesome!

“sunshine”

“getting our booster with no problems”

“People leave imprints on our lives, shaping who we become in much the same way that a symbol is pressed into the page of a book to tell you who it comes from. Dogs, however, leave paw prints on our lives and our souls, which are as unique as fingerprints in every way.”

― Ashly Lorenzana

live within a fragile circle

 A mass of snow and freezing rain was heading our way this afternoon, but luckily we had nowhere to go. Large flakes of the white stuff started drifting from the sky around 2pm and by 2:30 the sky and earth had melded into a dingy grey shroud. It’s rather depressing but I’m fighting the gloom with my new headphones (which sound terrific).

Cookie number 5: Chinese chews, a recipe from my grandmother. I don’t remember eating these as a child but both Kirsten and Olaf talked about them fondly - well, I didn’t need any more motivation than that! I don’t think I baked them enough but gosh, they are tasty. The mix of chopped glazed cherries, pecans, and dates mixed with flour and baking soda somehow transforms, as if by magic, into a tray of sticky bars. I’ll toss them in icing sugar next week when I remove them from the freezer.

Adia has been barking much more than usual since Spike left us. In the past it was rare to hear a sound from her, but now, even in the night, she’s finding something to woof about. We try not to get angry with her though as we figure she’s upset about his absence. She likely picks up on our mood too.

A few years ago (2016 I think), I participated in a publication about Stigma for mental health. My entry was chosen to be included in the book.

http://pursuitofidlepleasures.blogspot.com/2016/03/my-little-dog-spike.html?m=1

They also made a video starring Spike with me in a minor role. 

http://pursuitofidlepleasures.blogspot.com/2016/03/stigma-stories.html?m=1

I’m a little better today, only breaking down into sobs a few times. I’ve been working on a tribute post which does tip me over at times. I can recognize that he’d been declining for over 2 years, ever since Bella and Kabira passed. He had lost a lot of his physical abilities and it was clear that he was confused much of the time. Sometimes I wondered if he recognized us but then he’d glom onto me, staying close. It was obvious when he’d catch sight of me as he’d quicken his pace and follow me. When I’d call him he’d either look in the opposite direction or he might not seem to hear me at all. It was heartbreaking to see the little guy like that as he was the smartest dog I’ve ever known.

Awesome!

“making a tasty Christmas treat using my grandmother’s recipe”

“big snowflakes”

“Baking makes me focus. On weighing the sugar. On sieving the flour. I find it calming and rewarding because, in fairness, it is sort of magic - you start off with all this disparate stuff, such as butter and eggs, and what you end up with is so totally different. And also delicious.”

~Marian Keyes

“We who choose to surround ourselves

with lives even more temporary than our

own, live within a fragile circle;

easily and often breached.

Unable to accept its awful gaps,

we would still live no other way.

We cherish memory as the only

certain immortality, never fully

understanding the necessary plan.”

― Irving Townsend

spritz

Another sunny, warm day! It’s above freezing with a moderate amount of wind.

Our saviours last night were Olaf and Stephanie for an online visit. After a brief ‘on the verge of crying’ conversation we moved to happier topics and even had some laughs. The rawness of my grief is starting to settle into more bearable sadness..

This morning I was in the kitchen having a bit of a weep when suddenly I could hear Adia running towards me. She wrapped her body around me, as if to say “hey, it’s okay, I’m here for you”. She does seem more subdued and has been crying a bit but we’ve made a special effort to give her extra attention and to get her outside for a run - for her and for us…  she makes us laugh with her wild spins.

Two little tubs of Aperol spritz cookies have been glazed and sprinkled with orange sugar. I did the dipping and Carm was in charge of the sugar. He did a good job! They are pretty little (slightly deformed) cookies with a fantastic orange flavour. I’m glad I went to the extra effort to try these new jems.

Awesome!

“another sunny day”

“cheerful orange cookies”

“Adia”

“chicken shwarma after Adia’s nail appointment!”