Sunday, May 24, 2015

Fragile

The other day we found a tiny, stunned hummingbird on the garage floor. It was like picking up a breakable cotton ball, but I got it in my hand and took it outside. Resting my hands on the top of the gravel pile, I opened them so it could escape. Instead of flying away it gripped my finger with its tiny foot.

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We weren’t sure what to do, but in the end made the wrong choice. After a few bungled tries it ended up in the grass huddled up to the composter. Carm tried feeding it some sugar water, and it seemed to take some and maybe perk up a bit. Unsure of what else to do, we decided to let nature take its course… the tiny female Ruby-throated hummingbird died. Did she have a mate, and a nest tucked in the lilac bush? I was heart-broken. I felt like I had killed it with my own hands. Why didn’t I bring it into the house so that it would more safely recover?

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The days have been rolling by with each footstep a struggle, difficult to break free of the inertia. I haven’t given in though. I keep my self busy with social outings and items from my task lists. Tuesday I went with Trudie to Morrisburg for shopping and lunch. Carm and I had an overnight guest Tuesday night. Wednesday we went to the nursery and bought a few more bedding plants (the front garden looks the best it ever has). Thursday was the potluck lunch for the writing group – farewell for the summer. Friday and Saturday were putzing around the house getting stuff ready for our trip. Sunday is more of the same.

The weather has been sunny, but cold – too  cold for Grace to go outside, but comfortable for working around the place.

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I’m expecting my good humour to return any minute now… it has to… we are off to the Titanium rally in a few days and that requires a good amount of hypomania!

I sometimes feel like I’m not trying hard enough, that I’m a loser, but when I think logically, I know that I’m doing everything I can. (I’m taking my meds, I’m having positive self-talk, I’m keeping busy, I’m getting enough sleep) I feel that I am weak for not overcoming, but remind myself that I have an illness that is doing this to me. I’m not weak, but am strong to keep from curling into that ball in the corner hoping the world passes me by. I have a resilience that doesn’t let me give up. Sometimes I do give up, but only for a few moments, as there is a power within me that gets me back on my feet.

Days passed in a grey fog. I was becalmed. Without energy, without hope, with no sight of land, I could remember feeling better but I somehow couldn't believe in it. There was nothing but this.
~Alexis Hall, Glitterland