Saturday, May 9, 2015

Perseverance

I have been living behind a veil of indifference for the last few weeks. Sure the grass was getting greener, but that's about all I noticed. Today the veil shifted and revealed tulips in bloom, trees fully leafed, dandelions scattered like suns across the green galaxy, lilac blooms forming, and the apple tree buds emerging from their woolly cloak. We've been having unseasonably hot weather which has drawn Nature more quickly out of her sleep.

There are two pairs of swallows nesting in the barn. They seem to know one another as they are often together doing their aerial manoeuvres in the sky. Four turkey vultures are hanging around as well - we've seen them on the barn and fence posts, as well as circling lazily in the sky. Robins? They are everywhere. Red-winged blackbirds? Everywhere as well. They all welcome the morning with a joyous chorus that seems to last through the day. Do they really feel joyous? Or do they feel ordinary or blah and singing is just something they do? An empty laugh to deceive.

I did have a minor excitement this week though - Grace's new carrier arrived. It is an open wire mesh on top rather than solid plastic and I think she will enjoy being able to see what's going on. We did a trial 'carry', just onto the front step - she seemed to adjust to it quickly and appeared rather pleased.

I can't seem to write lately. My mind is blank. Not a blank canvas waiting to be written upon, that suggests the possiblity of something great. It's just blank.

I feel like I am the tinman from the Wizard of Oz and have been left out in the rain to rust. Movement is difficult. It's a bit like walking through water up to your neck, except it isn't as fluid and is more jerky and stiff. I don't stop though, no matter how much I'd rather go back to bed and pull the covers up over my head - stopping is not an option. If I stop I may not start again. A diatribe of negative thoughts take up residence in my head. Fat, ugly, stupid, can't, (yes, lots of can'ts) try to anchor themselves in my brain. I have a constant conversation with myself trying to disaffirm the accusations. You'd think it would get easier as the days go by - lots of practice you know - but I feel like I am slowly losing the battle. I keep reminding myself that if I just perservere I'll get out the other side into the sunshine again, just like I do this time of year every year.