Monday, June 12, 2017

I love life

It’s been hot. The kind of hot that exhausts. Or maybe it’s not the heat that is exhausting me but instead is the extra meds that I’ve been having to take. They make my limbs feel leaden and turn my brain into stodge.

I was doing so well and now this little (temporary I hope) blip. Maybe all the fun days have caught up with me and so I need a little break. Anxiety is tightening my muscles leaving a sickly trail. I ruminate about getting the trailer into the driveway and think that I never want to camp again. I don’t want to do anything - almost can’t do anything - but try anyway which makes me irritable and mad. I don’t want to get out of bed, but do eventually.

Spike makes me smile as he looks at me expectantly. Do I want him to bring me socks? Or maybe a tissue? Or perhaps I’m going to take them outside. He’s so innocent (well, he is a little rascal so not totally), and ernest.

We (meaning mostly Carm), built a bit of deck yesterday, in the heat. I helped where I could, handing tools, carrying wood, and holding boards being cut, but didn’t have the heart/energy for full participation. Carm did the rest.

Later this afternoon I’m in bed, back curled against… what? Reality? the world? I think about how I had planned my life. Thoughts of mares heavy with foal, udders tight with ready to flow milk. I’d test the milk as it would tell me when to start night time foal watch. Foals still wet from the uterus lean against me, finding their strength from me. Later, mares and foals frolicking down by the creek. Soft noses nuzzle. I miss that… tears come easily at the loss.

I don’t normally indulge myself, keeping instead to positive affirmations and living life as it is now, but sometimes they leak through the barrier.

I have to remind myself that this will pass and I’ll again be full of energy and life. Another day or two of rest, and perhaps a trip to DQ for a Skor Blizzard will get the world back right.

The locust trees near the house are in flower - their heady aroma competes with the irises delightful perfume.

Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn.”
~Sylvia Plath

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