I'm glad I got that aging/meaning of life panic out of my system (for now).
After some thought I realize that what I meant by meaning, was really "productivity". Humm. And so I gave myself permission to not be productive for now. It was as easy as that. Life doesn't have to have some grand meaning, but instead every moment should be savoured for what it is. Sometimes that's the feeling of creating something new, but sometimes (and often for me) it means truly enjoying the pleasures around me.
It has been several weeks since I’ve done my daily circuit of the field. This morning I finally got out there. It was one of those beautiful mornings with just a gentle breeze, a vivid blue sky and the sun warming the earth. The field is dry from the drought we've been having, and possibly because of this it was filled with Queen Anne's lace, one of my favourite wild flowers. I picked a few to press to remind me of today's beauty. There was also blue cornflower, and purple clover. How could I be unsatisfied?
I also reminded myself that I have an extra burden to carry and that sometimes it takes most of my energy, leaving little else for grand "productive" pursuits. That's okay, it is what it is, and someday I'll turn what I have learned living with bipolar into something that can help others.
Faint feelings of depression still lingered... I felt tired and wanted to go back to bed, but I knew that wouldn't help... I had to keep busy and do something and focus on the positive thoughts I had while out in the field. So I spent the rest of today doing tasks towards our upcoming camping trip to Presquile. It helped.
Life is good.