I don't normally look too closely at myself in the mirror - I prefer to view myself though my minds eye, the one that keep me looking as I did when I was 30. Today was different though, you see I purchased hair dye the other day with the plan of going back to my younger, blonder hair. What does that have to do with anything you may ask...
After waiting the requisite 48 hours after testing on a patch of skin, I was ready to proceed. I carefully followed the steps and emerged from the shower 30 minutes later with a strawberry blonde head of hair. Without my glasses on I put on some bright coral lipstick, my new "kiss me" mascara, a pair of dangly earrings and a nice top. Time for the glasses for careful scrutiny. OMG. Who is that old person in the mirror? I realized full on that I now look like an almost 50 year old woman.
There is just no denying it. I am struggling to come to terms with it - is that really even possible? How does one make the leap from young woman (in my delusional mind), to woman growing old. I'm FREAKED OUT!!! Where did the years go? How could I have deluded myself for so long (sure I knew I didn't look 20 any more but I never really looked, or I looked but didn't see).
Where have the years gone? What have I accomplished? Sure we had the parrots and the horses - those were life dreams for me, and yes I've spent the last 8 years battling bipolar (and isn't that a waste in itself?). But where is the meaning? What do I mean by meaning? I don't even know. I suppose working might have had meaning - I like to believe that what I did helped our government department have better computer systems (again, there's that delusional thinking!). Breeding the parrots started out having meaning as we felt that we were helping to save species in the wild, or at least creating a domestic genetic pool that could be drawn upon to help re-introduce species to the wild. But I think that was just delusional as well. Breeding the horses helped to fill a demand for quality family/show horses - I don't think I'm deluding myself here). But what about now?
Growing older isn't just about looks (although I'd happily take my 20something year old looks back), it is also about being content with oneself.
I thought I was ready to turn 50, but now I'm not so sure.
Then again, maybe it's just the coral lipstick...