I'm still not in the right frame of mind. I was doing so well there a few days ago, perhaps a bit hypo-manic, but on the euphoric side. Then it was like a switch was flipped - I went from euphoric to irritable and agitated, all ranges within hypo-mania. Just like that. So still hypo-manic, just crappy feeling.
Bipolar is a mood disorder, which means that moods are not well regulated. Moods will sometimes be at extremes (manic or depressed), sometimes moods get stuck for no visible reason (a bad mood that lasts for days), and sometimes they fluctuate rapidly between all the mood states. What fun. Well, actually it is sometimes (euphoric hypo-mania)!
So, as we pack up for a trip to our favourite campground, I'm in a pissy mood and everything bugs me. I don't feel excited to go, in fact I just want to go into my room by myself. A few times in the last two days I've even had to use my emergency pills, but for some reason I resist using the extra medication. It's as if I think that trying hard will fix the problem, but actually trying doesn't do anything except make things worse (gotta remember that, especially about the negative self-talk that also comes with "trying" - perhaps I'd better give myself a break and take another one now...)
Writing this has helped to realize/remember that I've been here before and got well again. It's not a forever state and that helps... it makes it okay and somehow easier to deal with. And perhaps even helps to tip the balance back towards 0.
Just when I think things are going to be golden (normal) I am reminded of my "special feature" (that's what we call a bug in the IT world).
On a better note, the weather has still been hot and sunny so I've been getting a good amount of swing time and the pool is a warm 82F - life can't be all bad ;-)
Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other.