Friday, January 16, 2015

Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom

Stuff from the basement is trickling out the door. One of the giant airline style dog crates left yesterday, with the other scheduled to leave soon - these things are 48" x 36" which leaves a gap in the storage room downstairs. Next week we'll schlep a huge bag of clothes and FOUR boxes of books to the Salvation Army. You would think that with all of this progress I wouldn't get struck down by anxiety when I'm on the treadmill…

That's 2 days now that treadmill stress has struck. Walking on the treadmill is the last time I'd expect for this to happen - exercise is supposed to help right? Marching along to my favourite songs, looking out at the snowy landscape should bring me to a good spot, but that expanse of snow is a blank slate for errant thoughts. The mood sticks to me like one of those sticky mouse traps and seems impossible to shake off, but I try and I try, unwilling to give up. I'm trying right now.

(re the quote – it sure doesn’t feel like freedom from this vantage point!)

Thank goodness that we have a sunny day though! It is a pleasure to stretch out on the futon with my tablet on my lap and pretend like I'm a writer of some sort.

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Oh!!! Speaking about pretending to be a writer, yesterday the mailman brought me another treat. As in previous years, I printed 2014's blog and this year I even splurged on a hard cover. I don't know why, but it gives me great pleasure to flip through the pages, feeling the smooth paper, smelling the fresh ink, and seeing all my words in print – I feel a sense of accomplishment. It is indulgence on a grand scale. But wait! It gets better! I also printed Spike's tale of his trip to Alberta, also in hard cover. It is a thin book with just 47 colourful pages, as opposed to my giant blog book with 200 more pages!

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Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.

~Søren Kierkegaard